Am I being selfish

Dh husband and I are going to our friends house to hang out after he gets off work today. We have not really gone any where in a few weekends due to Dh work schedule and how damn bad I have been feeling. Dh calls me from work and asks if I would mind if he and 4 other guy friends went to this bar that is really popular in our area. The thing that ticks me off is it was his idea (so to put it how I see it he is planning a guys night out while I am in constant pain and worried it is time to have the babies every minute of the day) In the last month or so he has started to see things my way and realize it would be ok to slow down for my sake until the boys are born and this is also the time he started working 6 days a week. Don't get me wrong I spent the first half of my pregnancy having him drag me to places I did not want to go and be the sober driver for him and sit at parties with drunk people that got on my last nerve, but I am too far along for that now and it hurts to leave the house. What if I go in labor and he is too drunk to drive. Well they are not going because our friend who we had plans with does not want to go. I did not tell him no, but he could tell I was a little ticked off. I just felt like he was starting to understand when now I realize he was just working too much to want to do anything Am I a selfish controlling wife, or not? I mean we have less than 4 weeks how hard is it to just be there for me? I feel so sad and alone. One little thing like that makes me feel like he doesn't even care what I am going through Maybe it is just pregnancy hormones who knows..

 

I'm sorry DH isn't being supportive :hug99:
I don't think you are being a controlling wife at all ~ I think you really need all the support and love you can get in those last few weeks.

 

I don't think you are being controlling at all...it's definitely not too much to ask to have a supportive husband. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel....he's a man and they are infamous for not realizing the repercussions of their actions, at least when it comes to my DH I have to lay everything out as clear as day in order for him to "get it". GL!!

 

QUOTE(Kyrstyn @ Aug 23 2008, 04:37 PM) [snapback]944366[/snapback]
I don't think you are being controlling at all...it's definitely not too much to ask to have a supportive husband. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel....he's a man and they are infamous for not realizing the repercussions of their actions, at least when it comes to my DH I have to lay everything out as clear as day in order for him to "get it". GL!!

I think thats what sucks the most is we had this big talk about it right before he started this job working the 6 days a week and he has been home with me and understanding so I thought the talk worked, but now I am starting to realize it wasn't the talk he has just been to tired from work to do anything.

 

I don't think you are being selfisth. IMO your husband spending time with friends is fine and good for him, but IMO him going drinking is not a good idea, in case he needs to rush to your side or take you to the hospital. Could you ask him if he would be OK with him doing something else for guys night out, or limit himself to a certain number of drinks in case he needs to rush to hyour side?

 

I agree with you and the others. Hanging out with friends, fine. Drinking, not such a good idea. I was so proud of my dh last night when he turned down going out to the pubs with our friends because as he put it "I might be called for taxi to the hospital duty at any time." He went out for one last hurrah last weekend - my husband is British and they do a thing to celebrate a new baby they call "wet the babies head." From now on until the babies come, it's wise for the hubbies to be sober just in case.

I'm sorry you are having to feel like a meanie to your dh. :hug99:

 

QUOTE(desolation_anonymous @ Aug 23 2008, 05:24 PM) [snapback]944397[/snapback]
I don't think you are being selfisth. IMO your husband spending time with friends is fine and good for him, but IMO him going drinking is not a good idea, in case he needs to rush to your side or take you to the hospital. Could you ask him if he would be OK with him doing something else for guys night out, or limit himself to a certain number of drinks in case he needs to rush to hyour side?

I agree, but when he gets around his friends in a drinking situation it is like he is in college at a frat party he will literally drink until he is sick..I just wish he would grow up..I mean I like to have fun or I did anyway, but it is not necessary to do something every weekend and he is 5 years older than me. Sometimes I think he is going through a mini mid life crisis or something.

 

The drinking would definitely concern me, because you just never know what can happen.

Plus, this is the last bit of time you two are going to have before you have the twins, and of course you want to cherish those moments together as well. JMO!

 

So here is an update we went to our friends house as planed and DH's other friend came over after he and his friend had been doing some drinking and talks them into wanting to go to the bar again. He makes me feel like I am an *** for saying no so they go and say they will be back in a hour, hour and a half tops so whats the harm? Two hours pass and my friend texts her husband asking if they need a ride and he says no they are on their way. They get there and tell us the bar was lame so they went to a club my friend is super pissed because he didn't tell her the change of plans. They are fighting and before I could say anything my husband starts yelling and picking fight with me :blink: I felt like I was in the twilight zone. So he says take me home now, all super drunk and I am like no, because I wanted him to sober up a little. He freaks out and goes in my purse grabs they keys like he is going to drive and starts the car I am soooo mad at this point, but I refuse to fight I run out and say fine lets go. He throws his phone in the rocks (DH phone is very important to him) and tells me how sick of it he is and how controlling I am and blah so I say leave me than (what else can I tell him he is so miserable?) I get my keys and we head home, he slept the whole way home and passed out on the couch as soon as we walked in the door. He woke up around 6:00am and crawled into bed so I got up. I just cant sleep next to him....I feel like I am living someone else's life right now what the hell is wrong with him...What should I do?

 

:hug99: What a hard situation.

Bear in mind that what I am saying is just from what you wrote in this post.

Are these 4 other buddies of DH married? If they're not, that could be part of the problem. When XH and I were married, he had a lot of single buddies (and in fact gravitated toward the single guys at each new duty station). They didn't have any contraints on their time other than work, so they could party as much as they wanted to. He would get resentful of marital obligations if I didn't want him to go out and party. And I was the designated driver for as long into my pg with DS1 as I could manage, so I completely understand what you're saying there. If these 4 buddies don't have anyone waiting for them, they may goad him (easy to do once someone is drinking) by saying you are too controlling and he should just have another beer and stay an hour if he wants to. I know that's so high schoolish, but it's not that hard to imagine.

Sometimes guys kind of freak out at the added responsibility of having a family to support (as opposed to being married to someone who is also working) and they have this regressive behavior where they act like they're still in school, not unlike when an older child regresses in potty training after the new baby comes home. So he might be feeling really stressed and afraid that he won't be able to manage supporting all four of you, and he wants to get drunk and forget that for a little while.

I would wait until he is sober *and* not hungover to have a talk with him, and tell him it's really bothering you because you feel like the two of you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other, and you're not sure you're getting that feeling back from him. Are you a team, or not? Are his drinking buddies going to be there for him when he's low? You have the extraordinary circumstance of being pregnant with twins, which is more difficult (in most cases) than a normal pregnancy and you do need someone you can count on and lean on, and not someone who reacts to you like you are the Mean Mommy who won't let him out to play. Then see if you can work out a compromise regarding his going out.

Now, that said, if drinking itself is an issue, I would say go to Al-Anon's website and look for helpful tips in dealing with that as a separate issue. Your story sounds like the issue is hanging out with friends who either aren't married, or at least don't have wives in an advanced state of pregnancy at home.

:hug99: again, and I hope you guys can work it out.

 

Oh wow! What a bad evening! I'm hoping your dh wakes up and realizes all that he said to you last night. You definitely need to talk to him about what happened and hopefully he realizes that he needs to change for you and the babies.

 

QUOTE(rubyturquoise @ Aug 24 2008, 09:07 AM) [snapback]944950[/snapback]
:hug99: What a hard situation.

Bear in mind that what I am saying is just from what you wrote in this post.

Are these 4 other buddies of DH married? If they're not, that could be part of the problem. When XH and I were married, he had a lot of single buddies (and in fact gravitated toward the single guys at each new duty station). They didn't have any contraints on their time other than work, so they could party as much as they wanted to. He would get resentful of marital obligations if I didn't want him to go out and party. And I was the designated driver for as long into my pg with DS1 as I could manage, so I completely understand what you're saying there. If these 4 buddies don't have anyone waiting for them, they may goad him (easy to do once someone is drinking) by saying you are too controlling and he should just have another beer and stay an hour if he wants to. I know that's so high schoolish, but it's not that hard to imagine.

Sometimes guys kind of freak out at the added responsibility of having a family to support (as opposed to being married to someone who is also working) and they have this regressive behavior where they act like they're still in school, not unlike when an older child regresses in potty training after the new baby comes home. So he might be feeling really stressed and afraid that he won't be able to manage supporting all four of you, and he wants to get drunk and forget that for a little while.

I would wait until he is sober *and* not hungover to have a talk with him, and tell him it's really bothering you because you feel like the two of you are supposed to be a team and be there for each other, and you're not sure you're getting that feeling back from him. Are you a team, or not? Are his drinking buddies going to be there for him when he's low? You have the extraordinary circumstance of being pregnant with twins, which is more difficult (in most cases) than a normal pregnancy and you do need someone you can count on and lean on, and not someone who reacts to you like you are the Mean Mommy who won't let him out to play. Then see if you can work out a compromise regarding his going out.

Now, that said, if drinking itself is an issue, I would say go to Al-Anon's website and look for helpful tips in dealing with that as a separate issue. Your story sounds like the issue is hanging out with friends who either aren't married, or at least don't have wives in an advanced state of pregnancy at home.

:hug99: again, and I hope you guys can work it out.



Thank you for the advice, but yes they are married. And it is now 10:00 and he is still sleeping and he is a real morning person. I am actually relieved that we have not had to talk yet. The whole stress thing makes a lot of sense. I think he freaks out that his life is going to be over after the boys are born, which the funny thing is I am 25 and he is 30 and it has not bothered me I just don't get it. He has gone through these spurts since I have been pregnant. For a while he will be interested in the babies and want to talk about them, be home and understanding to me: make dinner rub my back etc. etc. than in just a snap of a finger he pulls away and is super concerned with how his life is gonna be over and he needs to go out and seems cold. I would say for the most part he has been supportive, but these stints make me feel super alone!!!! Do you think he is regretting the babies (they were planed, well not two).

 

Well, his life will be over after the babies are born--for a while. Newborn twins are just a TON of work and their parents hardly get any sleep. The first few months are hard. On the other hand, the lack of sleep really kills the desire to party anyway. Eventually, life does come back, just a little bit different than it was. It was not a hard adjustment for me because I am more of a homebody, so I didn't really miss going out anyway. DH also is more of a homebody. XH was more of a partier, but we only had one baby at a time. After your babies get onto a sleep schedule he will still be able to go out with friends, but not as often as pre-babies, and not for as long. Babies are notorious early risers! Maybe if you are able to talk about some of these fears you can put his mind at ease that while some changes are permanent (you will need babysitters if you want to go out together, for instance), normal life will come back, just not right after you get home from the hospital.

 

Oh wow! I don't really know what to say. It sounds like he isn't ready for being a parent because he's still in party mode and hasn't matured as far as you have.

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry this is going on in your life. I hope it gets better. :hug99:

 

Wow, kudos for you keeping your cool after the 2nd situation. I would be so furious I would probably say or do something really stupid!

I wish I had some good advice for you but I don't. IMO, regardless of what is making him behave like this how he acted w/the drinking during the pregnancy is atrocious. What would he have done if you went into pre-term labor? I could see you two planning guys night out or girls night out after your babies are born and stable and healthy, or even adult's night out with a good babysitter (I personally would have a huge problem with the drinking excessively anyway, but I think that is my own issues with drinking) but now... considering all the risks of a twin pregnancy, I'm just flabbergasted. I am sure he is a wonderful man in a lot of ways, but IMO he is being selfish in this regard and is putting your health and your babies' health at at risk, or at the very least not considering it. Also, IMO, you are NOT being controlling, you are concerned about your health, the babies health, and want him to be there during this scary time.

Have you talked to him/is he aware of all the risks? Are you pregnant with monochorionic or dichorionic twins? there are increased risks with either, but if they are monochorionic the risks are even greater. If you haven't, maybe sit down with him and go over ALL of the scary risks of pre-term labor, NICU time, survivability rates of pre-term infants, birthing issues, etc. (and all of the monochorionic ones if the apply) that can happen, and explain to him that you want him to be able to have his friends, etc. but you NEED him to not drink so he can be there until after the babies are born. Perhaps you can discuss with him how you two can plan to have girl's night out, and boy's night out later... his life will not be over, it will change but you can still make sure both of you have your time a little after they are born... but right now he needs to be your rock and your lifeline.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Keep us posted?

 

You really need to talk to him because it's going to take BOTH of you to take care of your babies. He can't go out and leave you alone. He can't take care of newborns after he's been drinking. Maybe that's what he's scared of. We are much older than you are but still like to get out, It was an adjustment for us in the beginning. There is a lot of negotiating between partners so that each of you gets some sleep and has somewhat of a life, hopefully together when possible.

Hugs. Being pg with twins is just the beginning, Raising them is for the rest of your lives.

 

My husband acted a little like that during my 1st pregnancy with our son. . . He doesn't drink but at the end of my pregnancy, he started hanging out with friends a LOT more than he had ever before. . . I think he was just freaking out a bit about all the added responsibilities of being a father. . .As soon as he saw our son, he was immediately in LOVE and now he doesn't really go out at all (unless I REALLY encourage him to) because he would rather be at home with me and our son than spend time with friends (I think sometimes his friends think its me telling me he can't go, but really its him just WANTING to be home). . .Hopefully your DH's behavior will change once the babies are here. . . Sometimes that is just how some men deal with impending fatherhood (as irritating as it is LOL). . . Hopefully you were able to have a good talk and express your concerns. . . Good Luck!

Laura

 

Do you think he could just be a little freaked about being a father? A friend of mine's hubby pulled a very similar stunt (he was so drunk, he actually fell asleep on the toilet, and she has pictures, lol) when she was about 6 months along. My DH is not a drinker, but I've noticed a definite disconnect in the last month. I think all men get to a certain point where they just freak out a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses, but I think it's harder for them to really grasp the concept than it is for us because we feel our body changing and these little babies growing every day. The boys, on the other hand, suddenly look at you one day and realize you're about to pop and he's going to be partially responsible for two more human beings.

Try approaching him from a place of concern and let him get out any emotions he may have bottled up. I'm a firm believer that there's usually more to the story than you know.

Good luck and try not to get your blood pressure to high!

 

Ok so yet another update He woke up around noon which was good because it gave me time to gather my thoughts. When he first woke up he remembered things all screwed up and that really pissed me off after some explaining he started to see how it really was. So I just put it ALL out there, I think he could tell I had enough. After a ton of talking, yelling and crying we seemed to have everything out in the open. He explained to me how scared he was and was actually crying pretty hard :blink: DH NEVER cries he came from a very unemotional family (like they never say I love you or hug or anything) So I was a little shocked. I on the other hand came from a very emotional family all we do is talk about our feelings Well I understand him a little better now, but he is not off the hook I mean I am scared out of my mind too and you don't see me acting like that. He promises that that kind of behavior is gone for good, I hope so, but I am a little skeptical. I am just trying to have faith in him because he really is a good husband just one that acts like an *** LOL I still feel like he has made me loose a little faith in him, but I hope he can win it back by being an awesome dad Thanks to everyone your support it really helped me to stay calm and be in control of this situation instead of it turning into a huge shouting match.

Melissa :hug99:

 

I'm glad to hear y'all cleared the air. I hope it gets better from now on.

 

My dh went through something very similiar when we had all of our kids. He felt like he was going to lose all his freedom. They come back, thankfully!

 

The more responsibilities he has of the babies when they are born the more he will bond with them. Just like anything in life the more work you put into something the more attachment you have. Even if he is working a lot, when he gets home put a baby or two in his arms and head out the door. He will work out what he needs to do. I tried not to have my family telling my dh how to do things either.

I hope the lines of communication stay open and give him lots of encouragement that he will be a good dad. If you need to call someone else to come and visit with you in the evenings - it is not the time to be alone.

Heather