Am I being selfish?

I'm determined to breastfeed my twins. I'm having to hear my mom and sister tell me that I probably won't make enough milk and hear stories of how my sister didn't have enough for even one. Okay, whatever.

Then I'm having to hear from MIL and two SIL's about how they didn't breastfeed and they bottle fed and their kids all turned out just fine. Okay, good for you I'm sure they did. They also say how it's going to be so hard to breastfeed two and they're sure I'll change my mind once I actually try it because bottle feeding twins will be so much easier and much more practical.

I've made it clear to them that I am breastfeeding and that's that.

Now everyone wants to know "Well what if we want to help with feedings? You're going to need help feeding them..."

Everyone including DH is trying to convince me that what I should do is breastfeed one, and I quote "share the other one" so that others can feed too. They suggest breastfeeding one and bottle feeding the other and switching who gets to breastfeed. Bottle feeding with forumla or pumping so that they can bottle feed with breast milk.

I was hoping that breastfeeding them both could be the one last thing that only I can do with them, I'm just wanting it to be a very special thing and now that I'm having two it's like a free ticket for everyone to do whatever they want with the "extra" baby. They all insist that I am going to want to "deal with" only one at a time and are all excited about having the "extra" baby around so that there is always a baby for other people to enjoy while I enjoy one too.

This is more the in laws than anything really.... because my family lives so far away they won't be around much.

I can totally understand DH wanting to feed the babies and I am fine with finding a way for him to do that, probably by pumping every now and then. But it feels like his family is just taking the fact that I'm having two babies and turning it into some great thing (which it is a great thing to have two!) where now they won't have to worry about me not wanting to share the baby. Perfect there's two so now they can always have one! MIL even said "oh good now we won't have to worry about you not sharing because you'll always have one and we can have the other".

So now everyone has managed to make me feel like I am just being completely selfish by wanting to not share feeding time. I've even heard "well if you're going to feed them both then you'll always be feeding and no one else will ever get time with them". Um.... I'm sorry?

I don't know, am I being selfish? Should I feel bad about this? It's making me feel very discouraged and like I really am just being selfish that I want special time with my two babies together.

Seriously, their explanation is that I'm going to be with them all the time anyway, why can't I "share them and let others bond with them by feeding them too".

Maybe it's just a new situation for everyone and they don't know how to handle two babies at once? I have never heard of so many people putting up such a stink over a mom wanting to have feeding time to herself with one baby, why is it that everyone is making such a big deal out of this for me with two???

It's not like I'm not going to "share" the babies with the family. Of course I am! I just want to have feeding time reserved as a special thing for me and the babies, along with DH.

 

Yeesh, tell them to mind their own business! Don't let them make you feel guilty, this is your decision. However, you never know how it's going to work out even though you have certain intentions. Keep an open mind to the situation.

 

Are you being selfish? NO! THEY ARE! There are so many things that they can do to help you besides feeding them! Changing diapers, clothes, bathing them, burping them, just to name a few! Not to mention keeping the rest of the house in order while you are doing the hard work by breastfeeding twins! :hug99: s, I am sorry they are acting that way!

 

Of course not! It's your decision to make and incredibly stupid and ignorant of them to not support you. Be sure to show at least your husband - but think about distributing them to the whole family - some of the many folders you undoubtedly have about how breatfeeding is better for the babies, and that milkproduction is demand/supply governed etc. Don't let them take away your decision! Best of luck!

 

You should do what makes thing easiest for you. Like Becky stated, there are PLENTY of other things that you will need help with. Trust me, everyone will have plenty of opportunity to hold, cuddle and love the new wee ones.

 

QUOTE(becky5 @ May 13 2007, 03:01 PM) [snapback]253735[/snapback]
Are you being selfish? NO! THEY ARE! There are so many things that they can do to help you besides feeding them! Changing diapers, clothes, bathing them, burping them, just to name a few! Not to mention keeping the rest of the house in order while you are doing the hard work by breastfeeding twins! :hug99: s, I am sorry they are acting that way!

Becky gave some excellent advice. I have to admit, you've got a lot of work ahead of you! Breastfeeding twins is very doable, but it helps immensely when the people around you are on your side!!! I agree, they are being very selfish. Breastfeeding twins is possible, but you need to be doing the feeding, every feeding for at least the first 6 weeks to establish your supply. It will be difficult with some sore nipples, but it is completely do-able! You CAN feed both babies at the same time!! You can!
You need to get your DH on your side. Sounds like it is his famly who is giving you grief (along with him). You can also visit our breastfeeding forum here at TS! There are a lot of women just itching to give advice & support!! (The link is in my signature!) There is also a sticky full of success stories. Personally, I could have fed triplets!! I had enough milk when my supply was being established! Good luck!
You are NOT being selfish. You are being a mom who wants the best for her kids!!

 

I plan on pumping so that DH can help me. I spoke with my multiples coach and I will be alone with the boys most of the time so she encouraged pumping so that i can feed both at the same time more easily. More power to you for wanting to actually breastfeed your twins! Your not being selfish!

 

Arrgh, how frustrating!!! I HATE when people who've never nursed twins tell you discouraging comments.

I am currently nursing my 7 month old twins. Yes, it was very difficult nursing at the beginning (6 weeks early, nipple confusion, refused to latch, supplementing with bottles etc etc). But around 3 months? It was SOOOOO easy, and I didn't have to mess with bottles, and I am home alone with them the entire day (I'm a SAHM)

As far as the babies? There will be PLENTY of time for them to do things with them. There is SO much more to do with them than feeding. Bill (my DH) doesn't feed them but he does plenty. You are NOT being selfish at all. You are doing what you feel is best for them and to me, that is selfLESS.

And as far as having enough milk? I've got plenty thankyouverymuch LOL

Tons of luck to you!!

 

There are SO many other ways to "help" other than feeding your babies. There are also SO many other ways for your family to bond with them. I'm three weeks into nursing my twins, and I'm so glad I stuck it out the first rough weeks. It is very time consuming and hard in the beginning, but so worth it. I had a similar issue with my DH---whenever one would have a hard time latching, or I would get frustrated he would say, "should I just give them a bottle?" I finally told him that I didn't even want to hear it as an option....that I needed his support 100%, and that helped a ton. I gave myself a 6 week goal--if I made it that far I could decide if I wanted to continue. I'm only at 3 weeks and it's going so well now I now I can continue. Your determination is what will make/break it--but getting your family on board is a major help. Keep being firm about your desires, and give them a list of all the other thing they can do to help and bond with the babies. Good luck!

Reyna

 

The decision is for you and your hubby to make. That is the end of that discussion. But, it's hard to tell that flat out to your in laws. No great answer for you there... my in-laws are in Europe and we are in the states.

That said, be prepared to have a plan B, plan C, and many more. You just have to be flexible with babies and your life/sanity. I had a preemie first born single. He would not go to breast so I pumped for 6 months. Believe me, it was a dream having my husband get up at 1 and 4 every night with me to feed with I pumped. I'd have gone bonkers without it!!! Now with these two I was determined to bf exclusively. I've had to revamp my plan many times. Right now I am bfing every feeding but just one baby. So, do what works for you and the babies and your hubby. Good luck.

MJ

 

I guess now I've heard it all! I think breastfeeding is one of the most unselfish things you can possibly do for your babies! Like others have said, the contributions from Daddy et al can be changing, burping, dressing, laundry, meals, errands -- tons of stuff that they can do. This is the one thing that YOU can do.

If you chose to pump for bottle feeding, that should be something for you & DH & the babies. Everyone else should be waaaaaay down on the list of whose needs matter ... if on that list at all!

Jenny, I have to say I'd never heard of a multiples coach! I guess that's what I used TS for! I was close to weaning before the dedicating BF forum was open, but everyone on here was so supportive and so much help & encoragement. I have to say that the few times I myself gave them bottles, all I could think was that it really complicated things.

Especially if you'll be alone with them a lot, if you're planning to BF anyway, I'd say to just do what I called Direct Deposit . I did have to pump at work and leave bottles for the babies. From what I've read on here, moms who exclusively pump really have it hard. They have to do even extra washing, with pump parts on top of bottles. If every feeding involves pumping, washing pump parts, fixing bottles, giving bottles, cleaning up bottles - -WHEW! I so much admire the mothers who give breast milk that way because of issues or problems. Given a choice, I'd say keep bottles as back ups and just nurse most of the time.

 

I am so sorry that you are not getting the support that you need right now. I have 8 month old twins and I have breastfed them from the beginning and it is such a pleasure and I love it!

Before the twins were born DH and I had a talk because I was nervous about having so much family around and wanting to be able to bond with my own children. I am not a confrontational person so I was scared that I would never see my kids! However, DH was very supported and told me that if I was ever overwhelmed and needed time alone with the kids that I should pack them up and take them into a bedroom and shut the door. Remember that they are your children and you have the right to do what you feel is right for them. If DH is responsive, I would talk with him and set some boundaries with your in-laws and other family. My mom was here with me for the first six weeks (they live overseas) and her "job" was to keep a clean house and make sure we had food, these were things we had talked about before she had come down. It's okay to let people know your expectations. They will get time to bond with them. They could watch the while you nap!

After a month of nursing, I began to pump once a day, enough for two bottles and DH got to take one of the night feedings. So if he is worried about getting time to feed....he can always feed at night

Good Luck!

 

To the OP: you are NOT being selfish. Breastmilk is the BEST nutrition for your babies. If your family doesn't "get" that, then that's their problem. I just cannot believe people would try to talk you out of nursing your precious babies so that *they* can help. Just ludicrous....

QUOTE(jennycam @ May 13 2007, 08:29 PM) [snapback]253763[/snapback]
I plan on pumping so that DH can help me. I spoke with my multiples coach and I will be alone with the boys most of the time so she encouraged pumping so that i can feed both at the same time more easily. More power to you for wanting to actually breastfeed your twins! Your not being selfish!


Jenny, I was a SAHM when I had my twins (and I also had a toddler). My husband was gone 10 hours every day and I managed to breastfeed them for 7 months.

Pumping is an option, but it's WAY harder than feeding from the breast. It's gonna take *at least* twice as long to feed your babies via pumping (pump time + feed time + cleaning bottles time). You should expect to spend 8-10 hours/day on the pump to acquire enough milk for your twins. Did your coach tell you that? Then you have to feed them and do all the other things that babies require. Another thing to consider is that pumping isn't nearly as efficient as a baby's sucking action. The breast just doesn't respond the same way to a machine, so it's very likely that your milk won't "let down" as easily and that your supply will diminish more quickly. I see it all the time (as a childbirth educator and doula).

If being alone is your worry, I highly recommend that you consider breastfeeding. I think you'll find that it's actually easier for you. You'll never know unless you try. And, once you get the hang of it, you can feed them simultaneously. That REALLY saves time and helps to build your supply.

Lisa

 

You are not being selfish at all!!! It is really hard when you so not have the family support but like others have said there will be so many other things that the family can help out with, and that help will allow the family to also bond with the babies. I admire you for having the determination to stick to b-feeding dispite the negativity you are dealing with. I hope that DH sees you side and joins you!!!

 

No, you are not being selfish and your determination will get you through. How could bfing your babies be selfish? Don't let naysayers talk you out of what you want to do. It will be hard at first but once you get going with it it will be easier than bottle feeding and there is plenty for other folks to do to help. Nature intended for a mother to be the one to feed her babies. The rest of the family can find other wasys to bond like changing poopy diapers. Best of luck to you. Read as much as you can beforehand and visit the bfing forum often, it is a great source of support for bfing twins.

 

That is the craziest thing I've ever heard!

Tell your in-laws that they are WELCOME to take the babies in the middle of the night, AFTER every time you feed them, and change their diapers, swaddle them, rock them, and try to get them back to sleep. Heck, they can do this every night, for as long as they want, LOL.

I think they're being unreasonable. They can think whatever they'd like about breastfeeding, but there are a million reasons why it's a great decision for you and your babies -- clearly you know that. I wish I had some advice on how to get them off your back!

Meanwhile, email this article to your DH:

http://www.parentingweb.com/lounge/dw_wean.htm

Tell him you want BOTH babies to get the full benefits of nursing, if you are willing to provide them. You will really need his full support on this....so the sooner he gets on board, the better!

 

Selfish, ummmm, noooooooooo It is such a wonderful experience to bf twins, good for you for wanting to do that!!! Trust me they will get to do plenty with the babies!!!

QUOTE(jennycam @ May 13 2007, 08:29 PM) [snapback]253763[/snapback]
I plan on pumping so that DH can help me. I spoke with my multiples coach and I will be alone with the boys most of the time so she encouraged pumping so that i can feed both at the same time more easily. More power to you for wanting to actually breastfeed your twins! Your not being selfish!

Just think about how you will have to be hooked to a pump 8-12 times a day while your babies sit there, which can be hard at times if they are fussy and need you. It is also much more inconvient to pump when out and about (have to find a plug, not very easy to be discreet, etc) than to bf.

 

You are SO not being selfish, and you will make enough milk for both of your twins, and yes, formula fed babies turn out fine too (my first is ff baby) but life is so much easier for me with breastfed babies... I don't have to worry about packing formula when we go places, and I know that I am guarenteed at least three to four uninteruppted snippets of the day with my twins. It will be hard for the first six weeks or so. You will think about quitting, and think about how easy a bottle of formula will be to make, but after about three months, it will get so much easier and you will enjoy it. Don't let anyone discourage you. Come to TS often for support... these women are amazing. And as far as I am concerned... you carried these babies...you dealt with the morning sickness, the achy body, the constant trips to the bathroom all by yourself so you are entitled to be a little selfish. Stand your ground and do what you think is best for these babies... they are lucky to have you as a mommy!

 

Hey, Sweetpea! We're due on the same day!

In addition to all the great things that have already been said, it might be helpful to point out that feeding one baby formula part of the time while your supply is getting established is a quick way to make sure you DON'T have enough milk for twins. Not that there aren't good reasons to give formula, but doing it just to keep some silly people happy is not one of them.

You stick to your guns. You know exactly what's right for your babies!

 

Oh wow that makes me mad for you! Are these people going to be around your house to "help" at 3am or when the babies are 4 or 5 months old? I mean really, the work continues even when the in-laws go home and I PROMISE breastfeeding is "easier" for the momma than dealing with bottles and mixing formula in the middle of the night.

Stick to your guns! Women who have chosen to never breastfeed are generally intimidated by it in some way. Don't let them discourage you. My mother didn't breastfeed and she was always sure that my DD and DS needed "a little formula" even though they were growing like weeds. She has already pointed out that I might have to supplement the twins with formula. (Okay, well let's just see what happens Mom!) Try not to let it get to you!

Jen

 

You are not being selfish -- they are! Breastmilk is the best thing your babies can get. If you can't give them that, formula is a good second choice. You are not having a spare baby for them -- you are having two babies and they are both yours. There are many of us who successfully breastfed twins -- my boys were 29 weekers and were exclusively breastfed until they were 14 months when they started on whole milk, then continued to breastfeed until they were 2. There was no reason for me to put them on formula. Not every mother has that experience and if it doesn't work out for you, don't feel guilty. But if you can do it, don't let their complaints affect you. How selfish to want to deprive a child of that special bond with their mother just so they can feed it?

 

Do what feels right to you!! Ignore what everyone else says (even DH to a certain extent!) You are mom.

For me - I breastfeed both of our girls. They were a little early and one was in NICU. In order to get her out she had to be eating almost two ounces. She bottlefed until we got her out - then - right about their due date she was able to nurse. We RARELY do bottles now (every once in a while I will make them a couple of ounces if I am really tired.) I love breastfeeding! I love that I can eat like a guy while I nurse and still lose weight!

Go with your heart. They are your babies!

Angel

 

i had family tell me the same thing with my first 3 kids and i let them win. after of course getting (sick) which turned out to be mastitis, and so i gave up after 2 and 3 weeks of BF. i would suggest pumping extra milk before you have extra visitors, or freezing some just for this that way you can give those the opportunity to feed them. there are many other things that need to be done around your house that they can help with. my family expected me to get up and do for them while they visited WITH MY BABY(IES) and not with me. and i have put a total stop to that this time. Breast feeding is very important these days especially since EVERYONE is getting so use to just popping a formula bottle into a babies mouth and thinking that they are making their kids healthy or that their kids are healthier than a breast fed baby, they are totally wrong but in some cases breast milk isn't enough and other methods have to be addopted. some people don't really know the difference between cow milk and breast milk. i personally am going to breast feed both of my girls, and pump too, so that i can give others the opportunity to feed too. but i have also limited the number of people that will be coming in to visit too, especially those that have been around others with colds or children that have had colds within that month.

i would think that at first you will have to build up your supply before others can feed them. i have heard that you can also feed on one breast and pump the other and switch at the next feeding to balance the milk production. but i have also heard that you can produce more than enough milk that sometimes you are making too much for them. i am no expert so my word is not definate.

if anyone wants to come and see my girls they have to chip in somewhere. and i think that a lady on here suggested that family and friends should start with the oldest children first if there are any older children. they should not be left out. so at my house this is going to be a rule. if you come to see the babies please talk to, play with, or do something for or with Kenia first. so that she won't feel left out. as far as anyone coming to visit in my house they must follow MOMMIES RULES FOR BABIES. and if they don't like it they can either hush up about it or leave. when it comes to your babies you are the most important caregiver that they have at first. the others really don't matter because they can't produce the milk or nurture like you. if you have to be the lioness then you must. research more about the breast feeding process and other ways and get ideas from other moms that can help you.

Good luck! Lots of love!
Meshell

 

With my ds - I actually banned my mother and mother in law from the house for the first six weeks - no kidding!
They did not support bfing and I knew I wanted to do it and it was more important to me to do what was best for my ds than to look out for the feelings of adults. They both got over it.
I have already let mil know I will be bfing the twins and she started with her comments "how are you going to do that", "I don't think it will work". She doesn't realize with every comment she adds another week before she will see the babies.

I take what is best for my kids seriously and really don't care if others get offended. I figure if they really cared about my kids they would want what was best for them.
For true friends and family I am starting a "help" box. Basically, when people come over and wonder how they can help - they can just go to the box and pick out a notecard with a "hep" chore inside. There will be such things as:
1. Play with ds
2. Read ds a story
3. Put a load of laundry in the washer
4. Fold a load of clean clothing
5. Pick out an outfit for one child to wear the next day
6. Run the vacuum in the room of your choice
7. Snuggle with any child not currently eating
8. Change anyone that currently stinks :rotflmbo:
9. Make a meal to put in the fridge or freezer
10. Wash any dishes in the sink or load the dishwasher

I will literally have 20 - 30 cards people can choose from. That way, I don't have to worry about what to ask folks to do and they can feel useful. Anyone who just wants to coo at the babies can wait until we are ready to venture out in 3 - 6 months and catch us at the park. Really, I know it sounds bad but with ds - dh and I would go an entire day without eating only to realize several folks had been by the house - laughed and cooed and ds and didn't truly lend a hand. It really didn't help us at all.

 

:friends: You are NOT being selfish... they are! Breastfeeding is one of the best things you can do your babies. Yes, it is hard at first, but if you stick it out it gets easier. I had some family members say the same things, but just stand your ground. Don't sacrifice what you want to do for your babies so someone else can occasionally give them a bottle. Remember, it is your decision!
Helen

 

Thank you so, so, so, SOOOOO much for all the replies!!!

You have all given me great advice and encouragement! I've talked with DH about how I feel and he has vowed to help me "defend" myself against his mother and sisters comments. We've also started to talk more about how I want things in the hospital and some of the things I want when we get back home, stuff like that. We have discussed things before but I was starting to let people kind of tell me what THEY wanted things to happen even with the birth, breastfeeding, visitors, "help", etc. and I just had to put an end to it. I feel soooo much better now and I really feel like DH is with me on everything that I've been concerned about so I'm feeling great about it now.

I'm not going to listen to any of their comments anymore about how hard it's going to be, how it won't work, how formula fed babies are "just fine", etc. Because you are all right, I'll be doing a great thing for my babies and the last thing I need is people around discouraging me!

Thanks again so much!

 

I know I didnt breastfeed twins but I am not sure how any one can say that breastfeeding in anyway is being selfish. Does that mean that they are going to be there at 1 am when you would need to get up and make 2 bottles to feed them. In the amount of time that it would take for you to do that you would have already gotten them bf and back to bed.
Stick to your guns you can do it!!! Tell them (nicely) to mind their own business.

 

It sounds like your family is very excited for the twins to arrive and seemingly want to help. But as the others have mentioned, there are many more ways to help with the babies besides feeding them. You can show them some literature stating the importance of breast-milk and that you are looking forward to nursing them and providing them the gift of breast-milk. I had some pressure that I wouldn't have enough milk. My milk took a little over a week to come in as I received 2 units of blood four days after they were born. It delayed my milk but I was DETERMINED!!!! With the help of our wonderful and supportive pediatrician I kept going and was very much able to build a supply for the two of them. There were definitely some challenges in the first 6 weeks, but it got easier. I supplemented a little in the first 4-6 weeks but thankfully stopped and have been only breast-feeding them ever since. They are almost 7 months now. You do what is comfortable for your family!!!

 

I actually breastfed my twins longer than I did my single DS. I did pump too though as I am not into public BFing (just a personal thing, not a overall critisim) and I had to go back to work at 8 weeks. It really was no harder with twins than with 2...but that's just me I guess.

Some women do have production problems, and pumping sometimes helps, but it is an individual thing. Stick to your guns, it is YOUR decision. What ever happens should be based on what you decide to do for your family, not for thier own "happiness"...lordy.