Am I being selfish?

Well my inlaws were just in town from Ohio and have been talking about when they are coming back for when the babies arrive. Well their grandson (my husband's nephew who is like a son to him) really wants to come down here and they told him that he could come with them when they come visit for when the babies arrive. Well first of all, hes 7 so he will need to be constantly entertained. Then theres the fact that they are most likely going to be staying with us (we live in a 2 bedroom apartment) so it would just stress me out adding one more person in the house. With the babies that would be 7!! And then I'm kind of worried that he will take away some of my husband's attention since they are so close and my husband doesn't get to see him very much anymore. I feel like the time they will be here is a very important time for him and the babies to bond and I don't want anything messing that up. And just to be honest I'm scared he will pay more attention to his nephew than helping me out. I just don't think this is the best time for him to visit. Anyone have any suggestions on what to do or am I just being selfish?

 

I don't think it's selfish at all and here's how you can get out of it...7 year olds have lots of germs that newborn twins should not be exposed to. Okay, that's not necessarily true, but it's a white lie that could get you out of it. You could also just admit how packed the house will be and the extra body will not help you in the recovery process.

 

First of all- you should do whatever you're comfortable with... You're about to undergo a MAJOR life change, so do what's best for you and your family.
After my boys were born we had constant company and it was stressful. I'm not sure when your inlaws are planning on coming- immediately upon their birth or are they going to give you a couple of weeks?? If you have any say, I would suggest waiting a few weeks (at least) before they came to visit. It's a lot to adjust to- new babies, less sleep, plus you'll be recovering from their delivery- whether it's a c section or a vaginal birth- you will be recovering. I wouldn't worry about your dh missing out on bonding time- there will be plenty of time for that but I would be concerned with too much chaos before you guys have had a chance to get a grip on it. I was super hormonal right after my boys came and having all that company was HARD, even though we needed help for my dd, which I appreciated, I was still very overwhelmed with everything. Good luck!

 

My personal opinion - I didn't like it when someone visited me and brought more kids. I needed help and wanted that visitor to help me and not be watching another child. And that's a lot of people in a 2 bedroom apartment.

 

I think you should definitely have a say in who comes and when. .I think the best thing to do would be to express your concern to DH first. Let him know that you know he wants to see his nephew but since the babies will just be born and the other family members will already be there, it is going to be really hectic and you would rather not have another child/person (however you want to word it) around to add to the commotion. Also express your concerns about germs or any other reason you dont think its a good idea. Hopefully your hubby will understand, and he will be able to tell his parents/family not to bring his nephew.

 

Well my inlaws want to be here when they are born and his dad is going to stay for like a week and go back with the 7 yr old and his mom will stay a couple more weeks to help us out. But heres another thing... they want me to tell them right now when I will be delivering so they can book their plane tickets. Like I'm setting a date for a garage sale or something!! HELLOO I'm only halfway done with my pregnancy! My mother in law went with my to the dr yesterday and my doctor looked at her like she was completely crazy when she asked her to give her a date of when I will be having the girls.

And then with my husband understanding me not wanting him bc of all the chaos.. I hope he will but I don't see it happening. He is so excited about him coming I think he is more excited about him coming than the girls! We don't have very much money right now and hes willing to spend our last dollar on getting his nephew down here. FRUSTRATING!!!

 

I'm strongly opposed to any houseguests that aren't coming to HELP. If someone wants to come for a couple hrs to visit when the babies are born and then LEAVE, great, but if not.... The last thing you need is more people to attend to. Not only are you going to be a new mom to twins, but you're a first time mom to boot. There is so much to get worked out when you first bring home a baby that you really don't need the extra worries. I agree w/ everyone else...you WILL be hormonal, sore, tired, overwhelmed, etc, etc. And really, the germ argument is a legit one. Grandparents (at least for me) are in a different classification that "everyone" and I'm willing to break most of my rules for them (esp if they don't live nearby), but I draw the line there. Children aren't self-sufficient and therefore are a burden to you no matter how well-behaved they are.

I think DH should try to persuade them NOT to bring the grandson, for the child's sake, too. Use the argument that you don't want him to feel neglected in the chaos and he surely will. Maybe you can plan for another visit when the babies are a few months old in which DH can spend an afternoon with him.

Good luck...I hope they are understanding about this during such a special (and challenging!) time!
Eve

 

Gosh - these are exactly the type of situations I get myself into to. Honestly I would not want him there either at the beginning…I totally get that feeling of needing every little bit of energy your partner has to shower on you. Regardless of anything else these are your own feelings - and they should be respected. All you can do is be honest with your husband and ask him to be your advocate during a very, very vulnerable time.

If it were me I’d appeal to his sense of honor and protection. Like “honey your support means sooooooo much to me, I don’t know how I could get through this without you. This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life and I don’t know what to expect. I just need you to be my protector during this time and help carve out a safe place for OUR family. I need you more than anything.” etc. etc.

My partner is a woman and that whole knight in shining armor thing even works with her! That sounds manipulative, but it is true. I do feel safest when I know she has my interests first in her heart. And with all that family activity happening, it will undoubtedly be hard for him to split his attention up.

Bottom line is it’s your home, your delivery and you get to feel however you feel. Hopefully he’ll be understanding.

 

Definitely do what your gut tells you. My first thought was that if your dh does spend time with his nephew, your mil would be there to help you, right? So maybe talk to your dh about this, tell him your concerns about him being away from the babies too much if he is with nephew, and make a plan of what kinds of things they will do and when.

As far as him being entertained, between your mil and fil, can they help with that. There were times at the beginning when my fil was here and he was just kind of sitting around while mil and my mom helped me.

I think the bottom line for me would be if I liked the child! If he is a good boy, I would not mind but if he has any type of behavior issues, I would not want him to come along.

eta- As far as the apartment though, I do think it would be hard to have him there due to space. And he probably dont get much sleep since the babies will likely be crying at night. So the more I think about it, I would push for him to come at a later date!

 

I don't think it's selfish at all.. as much as this visit is about them meeting their new grandbabies, it's also about making sure you have the help and support you need. Your hubby is probably underestimating how much time and attention your new twins will take, and he won't have nearly as much time for his nephew as he hopes anyway. I would definitely suggest a later visit or something. I hope hubby comes to his senses.. they seem to be sort of clueless about this whole deal sometimes, dont' they?

As for the timing, what the heck planet is MIL on? :lol: My inlaws are absolutely dying to meet their new grandkids, but they suggested that they book flights out a couple weeks after I actually deliver so they can be here after my husband goes back to work and help me out. I think that's a very sweet thing to do so that we make sure we have help when we need it. Maybe you can suggest that they just plan on coming out a week after your official due date to make sure that the babies are here when they arrive?

Families can be so much fun

 

QUOTE(seamusnicholas @ Mar 3 2009, 04:02 PM) [snapback]1213117[/snapback]
Definitely do what your gut tells you. My first thought was that if your dh does spend time with his nephew, your mil would be there to help you, right? So maybe talk to your dh about this, tell him your concerns about him being away from the babies too much if he is with nephew, and make a plan of what kinds of things they will do and when.

As far as him being entertained, between your mil and fil, can they help with that. There were times at the beginning when my fil was here and he was just kind of sitting around while mil and my mom helped me.

I think the bottom line for me would be if I liked the child! If he is a good boy, I would not mind but if he has any type of behavior issues, I would not want him to come along.


He is a good kid. He has a tendency to not listen at times but what 7 yr old doesnt? But for the most part he is good and helpful. I also feel like they should have asked me before deciding that it was fine to bring him.

 

I think I read your post too fast. Yes, I would be so mad if they did not ask!!!

 

[SIZE=12pt]I think you should ask them to come over a couple of weeks after the birth, your DH and yourself need some time alone with your new babies at the beginning. Plus, maybe the nephew should come over a bit later on, when the babies are around 6 months old or so, and in a routine, leaving everyone more time to enjoy each other. You and the twins should definitely be the priority after the birth, and this is not open for discussion[/SIZE] [SIZE=12pt]Remember that YOU are the mum, it is your apartment, you CAN and have to be assertive about what happens, it should be your decision.
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I think now is your time to decide how you want this all to go you arent selfish at all and you dont know what will be going on when the babies are first born. As for guessing a date to book flights at the moment that made me laugh sonds like my MIL . Its hard enough to have my own kids around when I first come home from hospital so I understand what its like, when I had the twins my oldest DS was 6 and hes a great kid but my DH and I were so caught up in the demands of taking care of two new babies it was crazy. Good Luck :hug:

 

umm.. I would be very upset. actually VERY VERY upset. I would make it known to dh and I would make it known to whoevers bright idea it was to bring him.
I do not think it is appropriate at all for them to bring him at that time. maybe when the babies are a few months old - but not for the delivery. of course it will be a distraction for your dh - and you do not need that! I am sorry that you are having to deal with this right now! it is a stress that you just don't need. I do not think it is selfish - it is just not the time.

 

What if you tell IL to come at the babies 40 week due date? That way you'll have a few weeks to get used to things and they can make their reservations. Tell her you know the babies will be there by then.

 

I would talk to dh. These are your first children and you want to get adjusted to being a mom to twins etc. Having so many people in your home like that just does not make sense. I would have him talk to them about it. I like the 40 weeks idea but I would also have them stay in a hotel. That's just too much of an imposition with newborn twins.