Am I being insane? Setting boundaries with family

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Help' started by babyhopes09, Mar 21, 2014.

  1. babyhopes09

    babyhopes09 Well-Known Member

    I am desperate to do what it takes to make this baby's birth as easy as possible on ourselves (I.e., DH, myself, and our 3 LO's). DH travels on an almost weekly basis for work and I feel that for the last two births boundaries did not get set appropriately and we did not have help we needed... my fault, i know. I have to get some sleep and the help I need and these 2 things are what I have decided: no visitors after c-section for at least a couple of hours out of recovery. Last 2 times our parents came immediately after i got out of recovery and stayed entirely too long and all 3 babies struggled to feed and that bonding time I feel was taken away by having too much company too quickly after the birth.

    When our son was born my inlaws came to our house the day we came home from the hospital and stayed to visit (not help) the entire day. I just could not nap or relax until after they left. I have decided no visitors at our house when we arrive home for 24 hours at least.

    I feel like with 4 that are 4 and under and a DH that will be traveling soon after baby is born I need to take advantage of the rest, bonding time, and feeding practice while I can. DH thinks I'm making this into too big of a deal. He says we will "cross the bridge when we get to it," with respect to my wishes. Am I being insane here??? I just want the time to recover and I do NOT want anyone around who have no other agenda other than to visit... I need some help this time!!!!!!!! Would you set these boundaries with family before baby arrives? I intend to nicely do it, but I have no idea how to say it. I'm 28 wks and due in June.
     
  2. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    YES! And I would hire a PP doula to act as "gatekeeper". As well, she could do all the other things you'll need help with around the house while you recover, bond and work on breastfeeding. You are right to set these limits. Women need that time physically and emotionally to recover. We do not culturally honor this time after birth and women and babies and families suffer for it.

    ETA I realized the YES may be confusing - no, you are not insane, yes you should set the boundaries you need. ;)
     
  3. Katheros

    Katheros Well-Known Member

    Definitely not insane, set those boundaries!   This was something I struggled with when my two year old was born.  We tackled it by not telling anyone until we were ready for visitors that he was even born.    This last birth, we had my father in law stay with us and it was a nightmare.   I was glad we're too far away for the rest of the family to bombard us. (Ironically now I'm sad that we're so far away and they can't see the baby...  go figure!)
     
  4. cheezewhiz24

    cheezewhiz24 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    Not insane in the slightest. I think you've learned from your previous experiences that a lassiez-faire attitude doesn't work. Set the boundaries so that people can know what you need.
     
    A post partum doula would also really help you out. 
     
  5. gina_leigh

    gina_leigh Well-Known Member

    Not crazy!

    We've had extended family in and out since Caleb was born and I found it to be exhausting. Set those boundaries!
     
  6. FGMH

    FGMH Well-Known Member

    You are not insane but wise to learn from the past experiences.
     
    We had a pretty strict no visitors policy (both sets of grandparents came for about an hour a couple of days after the birth while we were still in the hospital and then the next visitors were about 2 or 3 weeks after we came home) with our twins for much longer than you are contemplating, quite a few people were not too happy about that but DH and I agree that it was the best decision for us and I still treasure the memories of those first peaceful days and weeks.
     
  7. babyhopes09

    babyhopes09 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies! I feel encouraged that others see things the way I do! My DH has been traveling almost every week and I am only 28 weeks and I'm already exhausted beyond description. I cannot imagine what life will bring in about 10-12 weeks! I am looking into the pp doula.. Can you all tell me more about your experiences with them? My dh's parents are on spring break this week and DH is out if town again on business. They wanted to come during the weekend to visit and I just about lost it! Why would they come during the only 2 days that dh is home and then not come during the time that i am at home on my own with 3 kids and this pg? We finally settled on them coming this wed "for a few minutes to peek at the kids" as my mil puts it. They will be off all summer and I just want them to realize that their visits need to be productive and helpful if they visit during summer? Our 3 kids are summer babies and they came only on weekends and stayed entire days and visited. They did not help. I am about to tell everyone.. No weekend visitors until well after baby is born..
     
  8. miss_bossy18

    miss_bossy18 Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    I didn't have a PP doula with the girls, which is a huge regret but I was adamant about hiring one after Emmett's birth. The work they do for a client is very much tailored to that client's needs so keep in mind this is just what she did for me, what a PP doula might do for you may have some overlap or look completely different.

    She met with me and Justin and my MIL about 6 weeks before my EDD. I knew my MIL would be offering some PP care as well so I wanted to clarify everybody's roles. AJ did a great job of taking the lead and letting everyone know that her job was to support all of them in supporting me. We talked about my two main concerns - breastfeeding and sleep. She reminded me that having a full term singleton would be a lot different than preemie twins (she was right! ;) ).

    When I went into labor (planned home birth with midwives) she came to the house and helped my MIL with the girls. After Emmett was born she helped with breastfeeding the first two times. She helped the midwives and my birth doula clean up the house and made sure everyone was fed. The next day she came over and fed Justin and I (the girls had gone home with my MIL and stayed the night), tidied up, did some laundry, helped with some breastfeeding questions and rehashed the birth with me, play by play style. :laughing:

    Things were going really well and Justin had the week off of work so we decided not to have her back again until he went back to work, although I did call her at one point with concern about a possible plugged duct which she helped me with over the phone. Once Justin was back at work, AJ came 3 afternoons/week for 4 weeks. She would arrive between 11-12, help with lunch and getting the girls down for nap/quiet time, sit with me while I nursed Emmett, answer any questions I had, then take Emmett (and my phone ;) ) and I would nap for 2-3 hours. She'd take care of the girls when they got up, tidy the house (dishes, laundry, etc) and usually made dinner too. It was blissful. My PP recovery was so quick, my mood and energy levels were good, it was amazing to be so supported. That time of my life is just like one big hazy memory of love and joy. It was pretty awesome.
     
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