Am I asking too much of my DH?

I was wondering if you all spend a day once a week with your husband and your children? I can count on my hand how many times my DH and I and the children actually hung out as a family outside of the house since the kids were born. We spend mornings and evenings together (breakfast and last bottle). I mean, we go to holiday events together but other than that, it's pretty rare. Some of my friends go for drives with their families and walks but my husband isn't into that. When I bring it up, he says that I am making him feel like a terrible father as I am implying that he doesn't spend time with the kids and I. He says that he thinks he spends lots of time with us..more than the average guy. He doesn't work a 9-5 M-F job. He works for his Dad so the hours are pretty much what he wants. But..he seems to stay around the house later in the mornings and then work shorter days but then works 7 days a week. I asked him to go into work earlier and work 5 or 6 longer days so we can spend some time together other than in the house with each other. The quality time that he spends with us is in the mornings at the house if he leaves late for work. Don't get me wrong..it's nice but he usually ends up on the internet or watching TV and I just dont' see that as "quality time". Sometimes, I think I expect too much but I just don't want my kids to remember all the fun times they had with me and their Grammy (my Mom) and not be able to remember the good times with my DH. I feel that all the fun stuff that I should be doing with DH and the kids (going for walks, eating out for lunch at restaurants, playing in the park), I am actually doing with my Mom and the kids. It makes me really sad. What do you all think?

 

QUOTE(akuaba @ Apr 24 2009, 07:24 PM) [snapback]1287587[/snapback]
Sometimes, I think I expect too much but I just don't want my kids to remember all the fun times they had with me and their Grammy (my Mom) and not be able to remember the good times with my DH. I feel that all the fun stuff that I should be doing with DH and the kids (going for walks, eating out for lunch at restaurants, playing in the park), I am actually doing with my Mom and the kids. It makes me really sad. What do you all think?



Have you told him that specifically? That you are worried your kids' memories of fun outings will not include him? I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think it is totally normal to have the desire to do a lot of family outings. I know we don't get to do nearly as many as I would like to due to our crazy schedule. We end up spending most of the weekends home - playing outside, etc. Alot of times I feel like the best quality time is when we are home, playing outside or inside, going on neighborhood walks or playing at the neighborhood playground. I know that when we just had our DS we did a lot of going out to eat, going to the mall, etc. - but it was much easier dragging one kid around than 2 (or 3!). I know once our's are older, we'll be out and about much more often - but for now, I really cherish the home time!

 

I have not said that specifically as I think that will make him defensive. He thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty. But, that isn't it. I just want him to see that he isn't spending a lot of quality time with them. He will feed them in the morning and then they will start to play and he will go upstairs and shower and then go on the internet or put the t.v on in the room they are in but he will just watch it. Ugh. I think to him..that is time with us. And..it's great to have him there helping out but I think of quality time as interacting with the kids and playing and walking wit them..going to a park. We shall see as the weather gets better and they walk better. It might make it easier for him to see that he can actually play with them. He is great with the kids when he interacts with them. He really is. He just started reading books with me with the kids before they go to bed. That is great. I am so happy that he likes to do that. So..maybe it will just take some more time. We talked about it tonight a bit (that is what brought on this post) so I won't harp on it. I will see if it changes.

 

"I know that when we just had our DS we did a lot of going out to eat, going to the mall, etc. - but it was much easier dragging one kid around than 2 (or 3!). I know once our's are older, we'll be out and about much more often - but for now, I really cherish the home time! smile.gif "

That's another thing..he doesn't do any of those things..go out to eat or to the mall with the kids. Hmmm....

 

:hug: I don't think you are asking too much of him at all. But you might be onto something, that his definition of quality time with you and the kids might be different then yours. Maybe if you ask him what does quality time mean to you? And then give him what means to you and see if you both can meet in the middle somewhere. Perhaps you can also frame what you have to say that you are not trying to make him feel guilty but that you would like to go to the mall, to dinner, and other places as a family and that it means a lot to you. I am sorry that you are going through this.

 

I don't think you are asking too much at all. One day a week of good quality family time is expected, in my eyes, at least! At no, on the internet or watching TV doesn't count. Maybe you should plan something fun for the family to do together and tell him in advance so he can change his work schedule for the week. Just a thought..

 

QUOTE(melissak @ Apr 24 2009, 09:38 PM) [snapback]1287666[/snapback]
I don't think you are asking too much at all. One day a week of good quality family time is expected, in my eyes, at least! At no, on the internet or watching TV doesn't count. Maybe you should plan something fun for the family to do together and tell him in advance so he can change his work schedule for the week. Just a thought..


I think this is a great idea!

Along that line of thinking...I would also work on making better use of the time he is at home under his current schedule (since he sounds pretty reluctant to change). What about implementing a family activity immediately after breakfast, or immediately after his shower? Why not go on a walk then? or have a storytime? or our girls love it when we dance with them to one of their CDs.

How does the evening go? during the week my DH gets home right as dinner is ready but on the weekend they have "daddytime" while I'm making dinner. If it's nice he often takes them on a walk or in the backyard to play, if they stay in they might do legos or color or something else. Can you find a family or daddytime after work too? It doesn't have to be long - 15, 20 mins of focused attention will mean a lot. Squeezing in more fun and more interaction with his current schedule may make him want to change his schedule. They are at such a fun age but but maybe he just doesn't realize all the fun he is missing out on. And, even if the schedule remains a point of contention at least they will be getting more from him. GL!

ETA: Can you have him meet you guys for lunch or at the park on his way home from work?

 

I think you've already got some great suggestions.

Another thing I'd add, while talking to him about his definition of quality time and yours, talk to him about his ideas of being a father. And look at his relationship to his own dad because that can tell you a lot.

I know early on I was having trouble getting DH on board with certain things, and after talking to him, he admitted certain fears he had. Those played into how he spent time with us as a family.

And to answer your question- no, I don't think you're asking too much.


edited for spelling

 

Thanks to everyone that answered. I did talk to him a bit more tonight and it went well. I actually suggested that we take a walk early on Sunday morning after the kids have breakfast. (We were thinking along the same line ThreeLittleSnowFlakes!!) There is a flea market in walking distance and he agreed. So..I think that is a great start. He did talk about how he basically drove around with his Dad while his Dad worked when he was a youth and that was his "quality" time with his Dad. He said he never was taught how to throw a baseball and stuff like that..so..that says a lot of where he is coming from. I am so glad that we talked about it because after he became less defensive he was able to see what I was talking about and understand where he actions were coming from (his youth). He did say that he feels as the kids get older that there a lot more things that we can do with them. I do agree with that but there is plenty to do at any age. You just have to make fun out of what they can do at that time! Anyways...the communication is open and that makes a WORLD of difference. Thanks so much for all your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

 

I dont think its too much to ask at all! I know my dh is getting better and better about doing things & playing with the kids as they get older and more entertaining but before he was a computer/tv dad also. Ive also asked that one night a week we can all sit down together to eat and do a fun activity or something. I think some guys just need wives that bring these things up!

Our favorites are :
bike riding
walking
taking the kids to the park to sled or swing
going out to dinner (although we only go out as a family maybe once every few months)
most times we put on some hawaiian music and put the babies in their high chairs and we all cook up dinner together. The babies love to watch us and "help" with things in their seats and DH and I have fun working together while we enjoy the music etc. Its the babies own cooking show

I think its important to find SOMETHING you all like and have a set time for it.

 

I am so glad to hear that the discussions you've had have been positive! That is really encouraging. Let us know how your weekend family adventure goes.

 

My husband has always been really helpful with the kids. Now that they are interested in BBall and other guy stuff, it is even better. I think it does help when they get a little older.

 

Sounds like you're well on your way to solutions. I just wanted to add that I think the issue of Dads not knowing quite what to do with little ones is important - it was a big transition for ME when they went from being babies that just sort of came with me to being toddlers that could enjoy outings and interact with us as little people. It took DH a few months to catch on that coming with me wasn't just a matter of lending a hand any more.

He has a similar work schedule to your DH - home late in the mornings, works most days - and we did have to have some talks about freeing up time to spend all together, instead of him "relieving" me when I needed to do something without the kids. It only took a couple of trips for him to realize how fun it was!

 

we have always spent a lot of time at home and I don't think our children are lacking in happy family memories. I also think that as our kids get older, we do more things. our youngest are 3.5 and ou r oldest is 10 and we do much more with our oldlest then the youngest.

I think you should talk to your dh about it.