Am I alone in feeling this?

Our baby girls are 6 weeks old today and I am having these enormous feelings of guilt that my little ones don't get enough quality one on one time with me.. I am home on maternity leave and I am always with them and trying to talk to them or read to them.. dress them, bathe them.. (I have one of my girls strapped in a baby bijorn to me as I write this!!!!) inevitably both will start to cry at the same time at some point and I feel like I have to tend to one and the other keeps crying until I can get the other baby calmed down a little bit... I'm sure this is the norm. I do try to be as attentive as I can, but we have always been in the habit of letting them wimper a bit before we run over and pick them up... if one is full out crying, then of course we try to pick her up and calm her down.

Lately we have had a lot of family and friends over and I watch them with their own children and even my own and I feel like they are way more apt to jump up and "come to the rescue" the minute they hear the slightest cry... we have also stopped breastfeeding for the time being and when both are hungry I put them each in a boppy and give them a bottle with expressed bm when I'm home alone with them or doing a night feeding.. I guess this also has me thinking that I'm not doing the one on one bonding that other singletons get... when my mom is here she will jump up the minute one starts to make any sound and pick her up.. I find myself telling her to stop picking them up every single time there is the slightest noise because we have to let them self-soothe a bit, but lately I'm starting to think I'm wrong in this..

Of course their crying bothers me and breaks my heart, but truly don't feel like I rush to their aid as quickly as so many other people. Maybe it's the exhaustion from no sleep or I wonder if my years as a speech therapist working with kiddos who cry a lot makes me a bit more laid back when chaos ensues in our house... Am I alone in this feeling?? I really am doing the best I can!!!

 

I think what you're feeling is totally normal. :hug: I hated when I had to feed both of my girls at the same time. I frequently thought about how much better I would be able to meet their needs if I only had one. Then I'd feel guilty b/c I'd think that it's not their fault that they were born at the same time and that I couldn't keep up.

It gets easier as they get older. They'll start interacting with each other and loving each other and then you'll get to the point where you almost feel sorry for singletons b/c they don't have this same twin relationship with anyone. It balances out as time goes on and for now you have to just keep doing what you're doing - the best that you can. You are probably exhausted right now and reacting slower than normal to most things!

 

I also started to question my ways around the same time. I have a lot of help during the day and everyone thought that I should be putting the babies to sleep for their naps. I had been really trying to let them self soothe and go to sleep on their own. I broke down and started listening to the outside people and it backfired badly. They started sleeping worse at night. If they woke up they wouldn't go back. I learned that they are my kids and this is how I want to raise them. Anyone who is there to see them and help you should respect your wishes as the parent. That doesn't mean that is what will be done when you aren't around but if you can really inforce it when you are. They are now sleeping quite well.

 

You're not alone in your approach (same as mine) or in comparing your situation to those with a singleton! I just want to send along my support and encourage you to feel confident in your parenting style. Your little ones will pick up on that and flourish!

 

You are not alone. I felt the exact same way at 6 weeks. I would have moments of sheer panic over feeling pulled in different directions. I also stopped BF and went to exclusive pumping, which has worked well for me. I do think there is some benefit in kids learning to soothe and entertain themselves. I know my first has always been way to reliant on us in that regard. Anyway, I think your feelings are normal twin mom feelings. It always helps me to remember that other twin moms who came before us had the same challenges, and most of those twins turned out just fine in the end

 

I felt the same way you did, but I continued doing what I was doing. My babies are over 6 months now, they go to sleep on their own, if they are hungry, I feed the hungriest first and the second one sits and waits patiently sucking their fingers. My mom stayed with me for the first 8 weeks and I would always tell her not to pick them at the first cry, or rock them to sleep, even though it was soo hard. I knew when I was on my own that if we did, it would come back to bite me in the a*s. Today I am so glad I stuck to my guns.

 

I feel the same way. I do have one twin that is more cuddly and one that is not so much but she wants to be held just as much. She pinches and pulls at me all the time and the cuddly one just likes to sit with me. I find myself paying more attention to the cuddly one and have made a point to spend just as much time with the pincher. I feel sad that they don't get the same one on one attention that their older brother got from me but they get tons of attention from him and my family and of course me. It's just the way it has to be. I do nurse them so I feel that we spend alot of quality time doing that because they are still little and eat alot. I adopted a policy of not picking up a quiet baby when they came. My son was held or worn all the time but that is impossible with two isn't it? I never didn't pick them up when they were unhappy if I could help it but alot of the time, I just can't get everyone's needs met at the same time. Sometimes they are screaming and crying but I have to make my son something to eat or look at something he wants to show me and he needs to not always be last. IMO, there are plenty of times that they will be unhappy that you can't pick them up so no need to not get them if you can..does that make sense? These two are much more content to just hang out than their brother ever was.

I suppose that twins and mama guilt go hand in hand, there just isn't enough of you to go around sometimes. Sounds like you are doing a great job, just keep it up.

Dena

 

I have had the same struggle that you mentioned. For me, it has been one of the hardest parts about having twins. I had no issue sharing attention between my older son (who is 3) and the twins... but I am always feeling guilt about sharing attention properly between the twins. I will tell you that it gets easier in time and you just seem to know who needs you most. Our problem is that it seems that our little girl always requires more attention than her twin brother.
I do feel jealous sometimes of friends with singletons and the fact that they can focus all "baby energy" on one baby but I am sure that later (like a pp said) we will have something so special with twins that others will envy.

It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job and your approach of not jumping at the first cry is going to make your babies much easier and well adjusted down the road. Good luck to you!

 

I do try to jump up whenver they need me WHEN I CAN. But, sometimes one will have to wait while you are dealing with the other twin, and sometimes you just need a few minutes to yourself to eat or whatever. And that's OK!!! They WILL learn to self soothe if you let them whimper a little bit when it is not a true emergency. The twins also have the benefit of having a ready made best friend for life. IMO, that benefit outweighs the negative of sometimes having to wait.

And keeping them in the same room with you while you do chores and talk to them and smile at them is quality time too. They will be held less than singletons--that's just a fact of life. But talking and singing go a along way. DS went through a phase around 6 weeks where he had to be held all the time. It was impossible, so one day I put him next to DD, tucked her arm around him, and he was happy as a clam. And that's a benefit not enjoyed by any singleton mom!