Almost 4 and "doesn't like anything" anymore...

Ok, so I'm not sure how to put this into words - so bear with me!

We are getting very close to 4 and my DS is fighting the 'program' at every turn. For everything he is required to do he FIGHTS IT! So, teeth brushing, PJ's, going to bed, Swimming lessons, eating, coming in from outside...you get the picture.

I have his "currency" in the form of games. Wii or Computer even Leapster. But I am so tired of having to threaten the things he loves in order for him to do simple things. He is supposed to mind us and I need him to start minding the FIRST TIME, not when the threat is leveled. (Maybe I used that wrong?!) It's been a "There's a consequence when you don't do the things you are required to do" type thing.

Ok, swimming - he gets there and he LOVES it! He participates and learns and is getting better and having fun while doing it. The problem is that he thinks he can stay at home by himself if he doesn't go. Well, that's simply OBVIOUSLY not an option. So, it's stressful getting there and then he wants to leave immediately after the fact. (He thinks he's going to go home and play the wii - which is not happening immediately anyway). I make him wait a day or so in between so that he doesn't think it's a 'right', rather a privilege.

Eating, he won't eat when it's time to eat. If we go out, he waits till everyone is done and then says "I forgot to eat - I want food" (throw fit in here!) and then we leave anyway and that's that. Then he's offered something simple at home. He does that at home as well.

He just doesn't want to do ANYTHING that we want him to do. PLEASE tell me this is a phase and my sweet boy will return!!! In the meantime, PLEASE help me with ideas!!

I am going to find my 1-2-3 Magic book to review and see where we go from here!!

Thanks for listening!!! :hug:

 

:hug: Oh, Di. I know it's so tough to deal with a stubborn child. I know...I have 2 of them! While Ryan isn't quite as disagreeable about doing stuff, he still tries to push the limit. I have been using 1-2-3 for about 2 yrs now and I feel like it is just now starting to work properly. And even then there is still a fair amount of times that I have to threaten to take something away. I think it's just a phase for little Martin (after all he IS SOOOOOO SWEET). Just keep doing what you are doing and I'm thinking he will just get past the behavior.

 

:hug: I hope you are right Trish!!! I need to review the 1-2-3 for the start behaviors and when they get older like this. It was gold at age 2!

What's funny is that while I was typing that out, he was asking to play computer games. I told him the deal and he was like "I'm going to brush my teeth" (w/o the suggestion)! CRAZY LITTLE ONES!!!

 

That sounds like my Sydney. Let me know what you find that works.

 

I feel you pain. I hope they are just trying to become independant. Neither of my girls want to do what I ask them to anymore and I'm tired of begging, pleading, yelling, threatening, etc. Let us know if 1-2-3 magic does the trick. Especially eating! My girls are not picky about what they eat, but lately they don't eat much of anything, especially if it's actually meal time.

 

That gets old really fast Di! :hug: I am sure it is very wearing on you. I have no great advice really. My only suggestion is to skip the consequence part (if you ____, then you ____). Hannah is my strong-willed one. If you give her a consequence or even a reward, I find it just makes it worse. Because it gives her a choice. You don't want to give him ANY choices. It's: "Brush your teeth." Not: : "If you brush your teeth you can play Wii" or "If you don't brush your teeth, I am putting your Leapster in time out." Heck, I would even skip the "PLEASE brush your teeth," as that still insinuates it would please you if he brushes his teeth. Does that make sense. For Martin, I am sure he is just weighing his options.

In our house, the timer is our best friend. Hannah detests being told to do something immediately. BUT, if I tell her, "When the timer goes off you need to brush your teeth," it works 95% of the time! Or, "You need to be done brushing your teeth by the time the timer goes off." I kid you not, I set the timer at LEAST 20 times a day for different things. When that stops working I don't know what I will do.

Lastly, for the restaurant thing, I have the same problem with Hannah. It is such a control thing for these two, isn't it. The thing that works for us, is to straight up ask like you have no clue: "How old are you?" When he responds, "three," tell him he needs to take three bites. Hannah will and then she realizes it is good and she is hungry and then she finishes. We use the Age Rule for all sorts of things and it is close to being flawless. (How old are you? Three. Pick up toys for three minutes.) OR (How old are you? Three. You have three minutes and then it is Ben's turn.) To tell you how flawless it is...they are already saying that when they turn four they have to take four bites!!!!

 

Kate, thank you! You always have such great ideas!!!

 

Kate that sounds like a great idea. I use a timer, but for turns on the computer, so it shouldn't be hard to start using it for other things too. They already know that when it goes off that means they have to do something.

(maybe you should buy another one now, so when it breaks you won't be without it for even a minute!)

 

It sounds to me like you've made a power-struggle with a 4 year-old. I would be trying to get you back in charge and the 4 year-old respecting you.

With the swimming lessons, I would just tell him he's going. He can like it and have fun, or he can be grumpy about it, but he will be going. Same with dinner and eating. Just tell him, here is the food, you can eat it or be hungry, it's up to you. Brushing teeth, tell him that he can brush his teeth or you will brush his teeth, it's his choice.

I would reward him (stickers or something) for doing what he needs to do. I would give him choices on whether he would like to change his clothes first, or brush his teeth first. But I would absolutely control your reactions. I have found that in dealing with mine, that if I act like I don't care and just keep my voice the same carefully controlled, slightly cheerful, they get back with the program sooner. If they think they are are getting to me, it escalates.

I've also had to pretty much stop warnings. They knew they got a free pass and abused that. Like last night, they had to pick up their legos and were taking a looong time at it. I told them calmly that they had 2 more minutes to finish. What didn't get picked up would go to time out. When the 2 minutes were up, I calmly told them to go brush their teeth and I'll put the rest of their legos in time out. They weren't happy, but they got the point.

Marissa

 

QUOTE
With the swimming lessons, I would just tell him he's going. He can like it and have fun, or he can be grumpy about it, but he will be going. Same with dinner and eating. Just tell him, here is the food, you can eat it or be hungry, it's up to you. Brushing teeth, tell him that he can brush his teeth or you will brush his teeth, it's his choice.


This is essentially what is happening. It's just so stressful! I remain calm (most of the time) and tell him he'll be hungry at bedtime and there is no more food after we are done eating! He's lost his books by not cooperating with toothbrushing at bedtime the last 2 nights and we have forced his toothbrushing (easy when they are crying and mouth is wide open!)

So, I do those things. I wonder when he's getting back with the program.

OH! How's this for a turn of events. Today, Ali has a bit of diarrhea, so she CANNOT go swimming - she's devastated! So, now that Martin's all alone going - he's ready to go and suddenly LOVES swimming!

 

Oh Di! It is such a drag when they act like that isn’t it.

I also pull out the “how old are you” when getting them to eat more and usually it works.
I love the idea of using it to get things done. I’ll have to try it. Thanks Kate!

I remember talking with another Mom of multiples at playgroup last year. She was reading a book about kids and discpline. Of course, for the life of me I cannot remember the title/author. She said that the book mentions that parents “talk“ too much. There is too much debating/negotiating with kids.

Now, I don’t know if this is true in Martin’s case but I know I find myself doing a lot of debating/negotiating and it drives me crazy! I personally need to stop doing that.

Oh yeah, and when one of mine is being a pip, I guarantee that the other is being an angel!

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Feb 16 2009, 09:37 AM) [snapback]1191634[/snapback]
Eating, he won't eat when it's time to eat. If we go out, he waits till everyone is done and then says "I forgot to eat - I want food" (throw fit in here!) and then we leave anyway and that's that. Then he's offered something simple at home. He does that at home as well.

Thanks for listening!!! :hug:

For some reason this made me laugh. Maybe because I look at your avi and see this sweet little face! :hug: I will be saving this thread for my future!

 

Julie, you are right! There is way too much negotiation! I need to find the books I have and see about some solutions in there!

Right now, he's cleaning up the living room in order to earn some privileges!

 

Thank you all for this thread! I have a lot of these issues with Ainsley. She acts like she never wants to go anywhere, I swear, we could be going to Disney World and she would stand in the middle of the living room going "Noooo!". But of course, when we get there she is fine, it's the whole process of getting out of the house, getting shoes on, coats, walking out the door. I hate having to threaten her about everything (if you don't ____, then no ____). It works, eventually, but it's for every step. Get one shoe, put it on, blah blah. I'll have to try the "How old are you?" too. I think I need to cut out the talking, thank you for the reminder, and also try to not let her get to me.

 

That's exactly it Kelly!! It's such a struggle to get the compliance for even fun stuff!! :umm: It's like a crazy person is in there!

 

This is a great book ---- Child of mine: feeding with love and good sense. You will really like it. It is less about specifics on what to feed them, but rather on "how to feed them". You really get a sense of control after you read the book and you really take a parent step back and see things differently. I got mine from the library and now want it for my own library....

 

Oh my gosh I have got some great ideas. I am constantly asking them to do something over and over. Both of them are playing me and I know it has got to stop. Here is another question what do I do with a kid that says he doesn't know how to do anything...I mean like dressing himself, picking up his toys, making his bed. He wants me to do or Kaylee. If I don't do it he would stay in his P.J.'s all day. Kaylee always makes his bed when we make the beds

I just feel like I am out of control!!

 

QUOTE(Angie26 @ Feb 18 2009, 07:58 PM) [snapback]1195970[/snapback]
Oh my gosh I have got some great ideas. I am constantly asking them to do something over and over. Both of them are playing me and I know it has got to stop. Here is another question what do I do with a kid that says he doesn't know how to do anything...I mean like dressing himself, picking up his toys, making his bed. He wants me to do or Kaylee. If I don't do it he would stay in his P.J.'s all day. Kaylee always makes his bed when we make the beds

I just feel like I am out of control!!


We have the Mother Hen issue too in our house. Hannah does lots of things for Ben and I have to explicitly tell her, "No, it is Ben's job." But again, the timer is my friend and so I often times just set it to three minutes and say, "Okay Ben, you have three minutes to be out of your jammies and into your clothes." OR..."I am setting the timer for three minutes. When it goes off, you have to get out of your jammies." Boom. He does it. I said, when the timer no longer works, I am in deep trouble! :lol:

And for picking up toys....trick number 264 that is working this week in our house...give them a number. Like, "Ben pick up TEN legos. GO!" When it is a finite task, they do better. But to look out at a see of toys and clean it all up can be daunting!!!!

 

QUOTE(heathertwins @ Feb 18 2009, 03:44 AM) [snapback]1194544[/snapback]
This is a great book ---- Child of mine: feeding with love and good sense. You will really like it. It is less about specifics on what to feed them, but rather on "how to feed them". You really get a sense of control after you read the book and you really take a parent step back and see things differently. I got mine from the library and now want it for my own library....

Great! Thanks for that info!

Kate, again! Great ideas. I can't find my timer - I had one when they were babies so I would know how long to pump etc., but cannot figure out where it went!