advice to deal with visitors the first two months

I am now 35 weeks and they may arrive early due to preeclampsia. So I'm looking for advice on dealing with visitors for the first two months. I will have my husband's brother and sister here for two weeks (the sister may stay at the house a few days) and then my parents will be here for two months (coming from overseas). The entire group will both be around together for a week. I'm going to try to breastfeed....

So since i consider you all experts now.... I was looking for advice on anything from meals, entertaining, babies sleeping, too much holding, schedules for babies, sleep for myself, problems that might come up, etc. Tell me what happened to you during this time so I can try to be prepared for anything.

Heather

 

My first thought is "Entertaining?! Does she seriously think she's supposed to entertain her guests while learning to care for and bond with her infants?" I would impress upon them in advance that they are coming to assist you, not to take over and not for a vacation. It's not an easy conversation to lay down the ground rules but if you don't... well, let's just say it's a harder conversation once they're there and ticking you off and you're sleep deprived and hormonal.

Decide what you want from your visitors and let them know. If they are willing to take over cooking/cleaning duties, that is VERY helpful. Don't be shy about asking for what you need. I had people fetching me food and ice water all day long and I didn't feel the least bit guilty about it.

You also need to decide whether you're comfortable nursing in front of your guests. Really, I suggest you get comfortable with it. Nursing newborns (particularly early ones) feed frequently and you don't want to spend the majority of the time in a back room or asking them to leave the room for a while. If your guests aren't pro-bf, they will undermine you quickly with their verbalized doubts over your ability to feed them adequately. You'd be suprised at how many people say they support breastfeeding but then immediately suggest formula at the slightest setback.

Don't feel like you need to be awake whenever your guests are. Taking naps between feeds is essential in those first several weeks.

I cannot stress this point enough... Your DH needs bonding time with the babies as well. Sometimes with too many willing hands, the father will get pushed aside and he'll be hesitant and not confident in his abilities so he'll let them. Have a discussion in advance with the guests that he needs his time with them and they need to let him have it.

 

QUOTE
If your guests aren't pro-bf, they will undermine you quickly with their verbalized doubts over your ability to feed them adequately. You'd be suprised at how many people say they support breastfeeding but then immediately suggest formula at the slightest setback.


Totally agree! Be prepared... Kellymom.com is a terrific source of info on BFing, so that you can be informed & forearmed. And be sure to stop by the TS breastfeeding forum for good support from lots of amazing women who've BTDT.

Now on to other stuff...

Too much holding? No such thing. It is impossible to spoil babies with too much holding. Just make sure that they aren't kept awake too much. New babies need to sleep just about all the time.

Schedules? Since you want to BF, you'll be best off feeding them on demand, or every 2-3 hrs, whichever comes first. Newborns are very sleepy and will often need to be woken up to eat. Do not listen to anyone who tells you to put them on a schedule, or that they can't be hungry since they just ate 2 hrs ago - they have tiny stomachs, and breastmilk is digested in 90-120 minutes. Frequent nursing is best for the babies and will build up a great milk supply.

And that's where your visitors can really help. You'll be spending a lot of time nursing the babies - let them take over other things. They can burp and diaper one baby while you nurse the other. They can take care of household stuff for you (get groceries, prepare meals, bring you snacks and drinks while you BF, do some laundry, sweep the floors, give pets TLC if you have pets, etc) so that you and your babies can get the hang of nursing together in peace.

Basically, that should be the #1 ground rule: they are there to help YOU. You do not have to entertain them, cook for them, even make tea for them.

Oh, and make sure that everyone who comes into the house washes their hands first thing, before doing anything else.

Good luck! I hope you have an easy delivery and recovery.

 

If you have guests, have them bring food! I agree with everything that fusiagroan has said about breastfeeding!

 

I had visitors for a total of 12 weeks. This is what I would suggest:
Be upfront with your visitors that this is going to be a time to help you and you are NOT entertaining. I would not cook and freeze for them as a pp suggested. That isn't your resposibility. You are taking care of you and those babies right now.


Keep a book or list of things to do when they have down time. For example: Sweep, wash windows, grocery shop, run errands, walk the dog, and so on. Then they don't have to ask what to do and if they do you refer them to the book
I actually put together a "where to find everything" page for the kitchen so I didn't have to deal with questions.

I did not cook for almost the entire time I had help. They were to feed themselves and my family! I made lunches for myself and my son after the first 2 weeks but very few dinners. I also had people that visited cook and freeze so I had food while they were gone. I also kept an ongoing grocery list that I could send anyone to the store with.
Be prepared that you might have a c-section and ask who ever will be there if they can treat you like a queen! My sister brought me every meal in bed for the first 10 days.I stayed in my room with the girls and nursed and slept. My sister, neice andcousin came in and held the babies throughout the day but for the most part I was on my own.

In terms of breastfeeding, if you haven't gotten the EZ2Nurse pillow yet, get it! I breastfed in my bedroom mostly when we had any male guests so I didn't make them uncomfortable. I tandem nurse so the girls are just hanging out!!

Diaper changing was very helpful but I did most of the baby stuff myself and had our visitors tend to my2 year old. I got into such a groove that I found helpers not so helpful!! Anyway, good luck! One of my girls just woke up crying..I will post if Ithink of more!

 

All I did for the first few weeks/months was BF my babies. They ate all the time. I just set up camp on the couch, and my DH, best friends and sister did all the rest. I did make a ton a freezer meals before the babies came, so once people stopped bringing meals, we still had a couple of weeks worth of dinners (but if you're already 35 weeks and dealing with pre-e...I think you're past the point of making meals!)

I'm sure your family will be a great help for you, they will just need direction. Make it clear that your job is to feed those babies, but that all the cooking and cleaning is how they can help. Of course there will be plenty of time for them to hold and love on the babies, so it's not like they will be getting the raw end of the deal!

I also agree with the pp's about DH getting shoved out--especially when MIL's are around. Don't let him take a backseat. He is the parent, and needs to learn how to deal with the newborns. Somehow guys think we got some special manual on our babies that they didn't. I told DH from the very beginning with our first son that I had no clue what I was doing, so quit deferring to me for all decisions. From that point on he has always done everything I do for the kids (except BF them obviously!) He is not one of those men who "babysits" his kids....he is their father. I highly recommend establishing that he is as much a parent as you from the very start.

It's going to be a very exhausting time, and you're so lucky to have family coming to help. Good luck and enjoy those little babies! Good luck with your delivery.....and we'll see you here really soon!

Reyna

 

Wanted to add that you should pick up or have dh pick up take out menus. I kept them in a binder with the things to do lists, coupons, suggested outings for my toddler, his schedule, the layout of the kitchen and so on. I also gave directions on doing laundry (using ALl Free for the girls' clothes and regular detergent for everything else), what temps I used and so on. While that may sound silly, everyone does laundry differently!! Also, as each guest left, they were expected to change their sheets and wash any towels, sheets, etc..

One more thing, many of my visitors were kind enough to bring me a full glass of ice water at every daytime nursing session. It was wonderful!! You will need plenty of water for nursing 2!!

 

Be firm in your desire to BF. You are a superhero if you can do it...and you can! You have to commit to 6 weeks though. If I hadn't made that committment I would have quit 1000 times in the first few weeks. I couldn't agree more with PP who suggested that even the most well-meaning people can undermine efforts to BF. They watch you struggling and validate that it's so hard...BF twins...maybe not the best idea...all of these comments when you are exhausted and not feeling so confident are NOT helpful. Have a room that you can go to and take the babies with you and work on feedings by yourself. Here were my rules (developed after a few weeks of struggling with visitors)

Feedings were done alone (or with DH or sister) in my room - all was quiet and peaceful

Out of towners needed to go for walks or to the grocery store or somewhere everyday for an hour

Visitors/helpers fixed meals, did laundry etc.

Babies could be held as much as they wanted in the first few weeks but NEVER picked up from a nap in the bassinett just to be shown off to visitors (this was ok with me but not with some - you just have to see how you feel)

I was very thankful for the help but very ready to be on my own at 4 weeks when the parade of visitors was finally over.

Best wishes!

 

I was totally upfront with my visitors and if I didn't want them around, i told them!

I breastfed as well and I wanted complete quiet and peace. I was not comfortalbe learning to breastfeed twins in front of my FIL, friends, etc.

My mom and sister were a big help but really everyone else wanted to hold the babies. I didn't need that, I needed laundry done, and meals made etc. Please make sure your visitors know you are not there to entertain, people are visiting because you need HELP!

Great advice already. I hope it all works out! check out the breastfeeding forum for more tips on breastfeeding. It was a lifesaver for me!

 

You've gotten great advice from all the PPs- and I guess this isn't really advice per se, but a heads up- one I wish I had known to expect. We had company for almost a month straight about a month and a half after the guys were born, and well, let's just say, with lack of sleep, trying to breastfeed, sharing your home w/ others, and adjusting hormones on top of it all, things (or people) that would normally not bother you in a million years- somehow do. I guess make sure you have a time and place where you and DH can safely talk alone, and where you can vent to him, and let HIM deal with the issues that arise. ALso, I agree with the rule that you have to have all guests leave for (at least) an hour each day. And towards the end- y'know where the babies are old enough that you can bear to leave them for an hour or so with DH- get w/ a girlfriend and run away. Go walk the mall, grab a bite, just run away!!!

Best of luck to you- you're in for a wild ride! But you'll love it!

 

Visitor can be both a blessing an a curse. My parents came and stayed for 6 weeks (2 weeks before the babies were born as I was on bed rest - and for 4 weeks after) -- they were a huge help, BUT they had very different ideas about what we "should" and "shouldn't" be doing with the boys. Be upfront about how you want to raise your LO's -- wiether its breastfeeding, sleeping the the same/different cribs, naptimes etc. -- and don't let yourself be bullied into doing it in a different way then you want. My mom and I had a "come to jesus meeting" at one point because all she would say was "I never did that with you or your sister" -- just remember every child is different - so trust your insticts - they are almost always right.

Also for "stop - by" visitors - I always ploped a baby in their arms or asked them to do something when they came by -- although it's nice to "visit" -- I wanted people to know that if they chose to come by during those days - they were going to be put to work. (so those that don't mind working will keep comming...and those that just want to "visit" won't)

Those first few weeks are usually INSANE -- if you can pump some extra bottles - I would try and get out of the house in those first few weeks -- even if its just to go to the grocery store -- that's what helped (and helps) save my sanity.

Good luck!!!!

 

If you have visitors coming after you have twins......they better earn their keep!!! Put them to work, girl!

When ours were born, we were absolutely bombarded with people. To the point that I was so physically exhausted that I started getting this weird breathing problem & my doctor told me not to have any more visitors......like that actually happened. I can remember one day when all I wanted to was lay down & sleep - I didn't care where - but there literally was not a room in my house w/o people. They were all so sweet, though & helpful that it was hard to say no.

So here's my tips:

1. Do not be afraid to be rude! If you need to lie down & sleep when people are over, you just go & do it.

2. Try to have a private place for breastfeeding.....for me, it was the nursery. Put a sign on the door that says "do not disturb" or "Please Knock" if you're shy. I put up a sign after my 11 yr old nephew walked in on me pumping.

3. Anyone who comes over gets a chore to do!

4. Make everyone wash their hands before holding babies, but if you use the instant hand sanitizer don't put fingers in the babies mouth! (It's poisonous)


We found that the babies actually slept so much that we didn't have to worry about them being overly held. But dd especially would sometimes get overstimulated if there were too many people around......if they start to get fussy & there's a lot of people, just try going into the other room. It worked a lot for us. Also, they loved the sound of the washing machine, dishwasher or bathroom fan!! I think it must've reminded them of the womb.

 

You are probably overwhelmed with all this advice, but here are my 2 cents:

1. Don't let everyone's (often conflicting) advice confuse you. Trust your instincts and ask your pedi or ONE trusted source for most of your advice. I was so confused with all the "talking voices" and what my various books were all telling me at the beginning that I didn't know WHAT to do anymore. It was so upsetting to have the books contradict each other, my MIL say something else, and our baby nurse (who sucked btw) telling me that my pedi was full of crap and we should do it *her* way (never mind that she didn't have twins herself). You are the mom, you decide what's best for your babies, and go ask someone who had twins or is experienced with having their own recent babies.

2. The first 4-6 weeks will be CRAZY, even if you have lots of helpers. I breastfed exclusively (and pumped) and believe me, you will not have time for much else. DH, MIL then my mom, and baby nurse were in charge of the following:

- making me meals (I was starving alllllll the time!)
- diapering babies in middle of night and bringing them to me
- DH did laundry, just one load after another
- washing and sterilizing bottles and pump (Medela makes awesome microwave steam bags.,
- grocery shopping
- feeding themselves.
- someone always helped me go to the pedi with them in the first weeks.

With all those people helping me with all those things, DH and I were STILL exhausted, and we had "easy" twins that went 3.5-4 hours between feedings, slept a ton and had no NICU time.

This is the one time in your life that you need to be selfish. Anyone staying at your house overnight during the first few days and weeks will catch on fast - it is an UNBELIEVABLE amount of work, it kept 3-4 adults busy full time at my house.

I started breastfeeding in my bed, especially at night I thought that would be a good idea, but after several days, my back was killing me and thereafter I did all of it in my glider in the living room. I didn't tandem nurse much (never mastered that) so I just threw a receiving blanket over my boob if there was someone around that was modest (or if I felt uncomfortable.)

 

Thank you ladies for all your suggestions and I would love this thread to continue on a little while longer just to hear more stories and I'm sure I'm not the only twin mom-to-be who will face these types of situations. I was just reading your suggestions to my husband to prepare him as well. I just love this website and I just love twin moms, they are so supportive of each other. I feel blessed to be part of such a great group of women !!

keep the suggestions coming....

Heather
35 weeks
g/g twins

 

Heather, I thought of two more things...

I had a very dear friend show up one day with bags full of crackers and cheese, deli salads, sandwich fixings, cookies, muffins etc. I was overwhelmed with all the food but it turned out to be an absolute lifesaver. All of that food went to feed the visitors and out of town guests at times other than "meal time". Instead of worrying about each meal, I pointed out that type of food and told visitors that they were to help themselves. I also placed a tray of cookies, muffins, cheese and crackers out on the table so people could snack. It satisfied the host in me so I didn't stress about offering something to guests.

Also, I learned really quickly to make a point of mentioning how long a "visit" should be. If a neighbor or someone I wasn't super close too called and asked if they could visit. I would say "Well, we are doing our next feeding at 2:00 and should be done by 2:45 and then I will nap at 3:30 so why don't you stop by at 2:45 or 3:00...and just be forewarned that I'll excuse myself to nap at 3:30 otherwise I'll turn into a zombie right before your eyes" - Most people got the hint that I intended for the visit to be short.

 

Reading this is bringing back those early days. I'll add my two cents to the greaet suggestions you've already gotten.

Yes, this is a time for it to be about YOU, and your babies and your DH. NO ONE ELSE. Anyone else who is there is there to support YOUR FAMILY UNIT (sorry for the shouting).

ABSOLUTELY get clear about the BFing, and as pp's have said, lots of people will try to undermine it, with the best intentions. I am a first-time mom as well, and it's very challenging to ignore all those other voices, ESP if they are your own mother or MIL.

But - soon enough you will feel confident in your choices. i had to tell my mother NOT to tell me that i'd 'have to supplement, cause I couldn't possibly produce enough milk"....i politely asked her when the last time she bf'd twins was.....and i produced more than enough for a long time.

That's another point - I NEVER listen to 'advice' from singleton moms. NOT that they dont' have great experience as mothers, but - sorry, having one at a time is NOTHING like having two at a time.

ABSOLUTELY get clear that when people come, they are there to do chores. THey are not there to only hold babies while you clean and make tea for them. (and YES to hand-washing all the time, esp. if they are preemies).

You should choose a comfortable place for your primary BFing location: I have to say that I barely ventured out of the nursery for three months. We were fortunate enough to have a big enough room for two gliders and a daybed (one crib at first!), and people came in there. And when it was time to feed them, I simply said "it's time to feed a baby (this was after a few times when i waited while I knew a baby was hungry, or struggled with a shawl to cover myself, then realized "hey,i'm in MY home, feeding MY newborn babies; if visitors are not comfortable with it, then they are welcome to leave!".

But - do not go out of your way to accomodate others; it's their job to accommodate you. I don't mean to sound selfish or arrogant but - you have never been as tired as you are about to be. And if you're on bedrest for pre-e, and if you end up having a c-section, it will be a recovery from major abdominal surgery. So learn to let others help you, and ask for what you need.

I say this all the time; the second greatest lesson of having my babies (the first is patience) is that I learned to not only accept help, but to ask for what i needed, specifically. which includes telling visitors when they ask what they can bring SPECIFICALLY what I wanted to eat (and trust me, if you're bfing, you will need a LOT of calories, and you will not have time to attend to it yourself. In fact, I finally had a big conversation w/my dh when he went back to work and i wasn't eating enough; he got a bit prickly, telling me i needed to eat, and i got prickly back, telling him i DID NOT HAVE TIME DURING THE DAY TO PREPARE MEALS - not even peel a carrot and eat it, so it was HIS job to make sure that there were things taht were bite-sized that i could eat with my hands while nursing a baby. That really helped. And if friends are preparing meals (and they should be!), freezing them in single serving sizes is good. Also, be prepared that you probabl won't have a hot meal for a long time. I lived off Ensure and Power Bars for a few months; literally; i'd order cases of them online. It was the only way I could get the calories in to produce all that milk.

and yes, i love what pp said about women not coming with a manual; your dh needs to be hands-on from the beginning. I will say it was a big struggle for us to find something that worked; because i was bfing, he felt like it didn't make sense for him to be up nights as well. I bought into that cr*p until i nearly collapsed from fatigue (esp. since i happened to be pumping for one baby as well, so I was nursing, bottle feeding, then pumping around the clock). So it took a lot of tweaking to come up with something that worked.

And - don't expect to ever stop doing laundry! And remember, that as insane as teh first months will be, you will be looking back on it wondering where all the months went, flying by (one long night at a time). And you will have wondrous, irreplaceable memories of you and your babies, alone in the dark, just together. And of you and DH marveling at them together; standing over a crib, looking at their tiny bodies. This is such an incredible, joyous time, even with all the intensity and exhaustion and hormones flooding your body. And it goes very, very quickly.

Good luck - and DEFINITELY check out the BFing forum; it was a lifesaver for me.

 

All this advice is fantastic! I wish I had read this board when I was pg. I stupidly didn't accept much help the first 6 weeks, well actually 4 weeks because they first 2 weeks they were still in the hospital. Then at 6 weeks my DH's dad died and he had to fly across the country to deal with everything and I was determined to not let him worry for one second about the three of us.

What did I do? I sent out an email to everyone I knew with sign up times to come and help. I usually tried to arrange to have two people to come at the same time so I could nap. What did people do? THANK ME!!! They had been waiting patiently to be asked to help and they were so happy to come and help. They brought cooked food, they straightened up, they fed the girls, they changed diapers, they washed bottles, they talked to me about something other than dirty diapers, they shooed me away to sleep, they did laundry.. seriously it was just amazing. Before that if someone visited, it was a 'visit.' DH and I would let them hold the girls and then we would try to entertain them- food, drinks, etc. How stupid! I was the one recovering from abdominal surgery and DH and I both were severely sleep-deprived!!!

That week DH was gone was crazy, but what I learned was that people really do want to help and if you give them very explicit instructions of what needs to be done (I kept a spreadsheet of info on the girls and the house), they will do it. It also taught me to give up some control.. which was a necessary lesson for a self-described control freak.

Congratulations and gl with the rest of your pg! -Leighann

 

You got sooo much great advice but I will give you my experience as well.

Visitors are not there to hold and see babies, if they want to be there in those first couple weeks, it needs to be to help.
I really wanted my privacy while I was getting the hang of bf and I was starving all of the time but didn't have the energy to make myself something to eat while babies were crying. I would have someone set aside snacks for you and make easy to heat up meals. I loved casseroles because I could just eat as much as I wanted in one dish! The things I wanted help with were dishes, laundry and light cleaning. I didn't need someone to take my babies off my hands all the time. My boys got overstimulated VERY easily and this is something that I would be adament about. They do not sleep in peoples arms! If they were holding them and they fell asleep they were to be put down. I was greatful to have so many people to love them but my babies were very sensitive to stimulation. If they are going to hold them while they are sleeping it really should be quiet. I struggled with this a lot, everybody liked to think that if they were sleeping in their arms they were getting good sleep. Everytime we would go to my inlaws they would have like 15 people over to see the babies and when I got them home they would scream for hours. If you have someone that you are very comfortable with for me it was ONE of my aunts, I would pump and let her take care of them while I would take a nap. She is a nurse and knew what to do all the time it seemed and she would never wake me up and that was such a lifesaver. I like the idea of sending out an e-mail requesting help and just be up front about what you want. When people come to help be clear about how you like things done and that you need help with things other than the babies. Everybody else gave such great suggestions and I agree with all of them. My best advice is TAKE HELP BUT BE FIRM ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. Otherwise your help will turn into another form of stress for you. Good luck with everything and remember we are all here too!

 

You all are just fantastic !! Today I think I'm going to write down how to use my washer/ dryer since it is a bit confusing with all the buttons on it. I put up a phone list number handy by the phone so if after the first month when my dh goes back to work visitors can call him instead of waking me up. I still need to talk to my mom (who is sweet but LOVES babies) about allowing my dh to have time alone, and not interfere with his learning to deal with the babies. I'm sure as a grandmother it is just all too easy to want to pick up that little one instead of stepping back and allowing for trial and error.

It is funny what types of things "worry" you in these final weeks. I'm not at all worried about how i will deal with the babies despite the fact that I have little baby experience... it has been this topic.

Heather