Advice needed

It has been a long time since I have posted here, but I really don't know how to handle this!!

My boys are 4 so I am looking for advice from those that have been through this. The twins are so mean to each other. On a regular basis, they are saying they wish they were not a twin and wishes their brother was not around. Today, Heath said he hoped Gray would get snatched, so he wouldn't have to be around him anymore.

I am getting so upset by these mean words. I don't know the best way to handle it. The boys are very sweet with every other child (including their toddler brother) but not with each other.

So any ideas would be great. Is it just a phase??

Thanks,
Jen

 

My boys get like that when they have too much time together. I find that time apart from one another usually is the best way to get them back on track.

 

Ditto Sharon. When any of my kids start being hateful to a sibling, they most definitely need time apart. I'll require them to spend some time in different parts of the house. I can almost always see a change in the way they are playing that lets me know they feel better. As they get older they learn to recognize when they need that time alone and go off by themselves without my intervention.

 

Ditto ditto. They get mean when they have been together too much. We try to let them know it is okay to have
"time to yourself" not as a punishment put to remind them that they are seperate people and it is Ok to not always be together. That everyone needs to have some down time once in a while. At six they will actually ask for time once in a while and we still have to remind them that they can be "frustrated, cranky, tired" but they do not get to be mean. They then have the choice of being "nice" and getting along, taking some time or if they just can't get it I send them to different rooms. When it get to that point it really only takes a small amount of time for them to want to play together again.

Now I must say at five one of my guys asked to have his own room. We were able to do this and decided too. This gave them their own space (which just meant they raced back and forth between rooms or played in the middle)and were able to set limits when they did not want people in their rooms. A year later they decided to be back in one room. It is a lot better this time, not that they don't have their moments. I do not see splitting them again any time soon. I would not do it on a whim,we discussed it both times as to why. Obviousy we were able to and some are not. I would say find ways to give them away time.

 

I agree with everyone else on the time apart. I also think that one-on-one time with you/their dad (and possibly other adults like grandparents) might be a good thing for them. It doesn't have to be anything exciting, could just be that one goes to the store with you while the other stays home and plays with dad.
Do they do all their activities together? Do they have the same interests? I'm thinking they might enjoy having something that is their own special thing. I'm not saying you should force them into different activites or stop one from doing something because the other likes it, but if there's an area that one likes which his brother has no/little interest in that could be a good way of getting time apart and giving them more of a sense of individuality. It would also give them something to tell each other about when they get back together.

Good luck!

ETA: Out of interest, have you ever asked them (seperately) why they wish they were not a twin/their brother wasn't there? You might be surprised at the answer, and it could help you work out what to do to help them. At the very least it would show them that you care about their feelings.

 

Thank you for all the advice. Separating them was certainly the route I was going to go. My biggest problem is that I am often alone with the three of them so individual time is hard to come by. They do share a room but I need to find separate locations for some down time.

I just need to work on the logistics of getting them their own space and time. They are identical and their interests at this point are the same.

I did ask why each boy didn't want his twin around and they both responded because he was mean!!!!

I will keep you posted and I feel better knowing it is somewhat common

thanks
jen

 

Has anything changed recently? The girls were acting horrible last week and we finally tracked it down to the had put a trouble making boy in their all girls class at daycare. I meantioned it to their teacher and they are watching the boy closer now and things have improved. I do agree with time a part. My girls are pretty good at playing separately part of the day. I am a bit curious as to why being identical makes them have the same interest. My girls are identical and while most of their interest are the same there are things that they like that are different. Jessy likes pink jazzy likes all colors. Jessy likes baby dolls jazzy doesn't. Jazzy enjoys trucks and "boy toys" more than jessy does.

 

It does sound like too much togetherness. My boys went through this phase around the same age. Separating them into different classes once they started K really helped with this. They were actually happy to see each other after school and played much better together after some time apart. Now as almost 16 year olds, they hang out together by choice.

One thing, though, is we never allowed them to be purposefully mean. I always talked to them about their behavior to let them know it was unacceptable to physically fight and/or say mean spirited things.

 

I've noticed that mine are nicer when they have more time apart.

I've also noticed that as their interests have diverged, it's been easier. Each of them has their thing they do with each parent. Sometimes others in the family join them, but it's mainly their thing. Right now Timothy is here while Sarah is at a friends house. He got a private piano lesson from me and then helped me sort school supplies to see what we need. Saturday, he's going hunting with dh and fil. Sunday, I'll probably take him bowling. In the meantime, Sarah is having her own friend time. On Friday evening, she is getting me and dh to herself. (Timothy is staying overnight at grandma's so he can get a little extra sleep and less car time before hunting). On Saturday, she wants to learn how to use my sewing machine and we're going to start making doll clothes. And on Sunday, I imagine dh will come up with either a huge water fight in the backyard or something else that he can do with just her.

So maybe if they can each find their own things to do with each parent it might help. I notice that behavior really improves when they don't have to compete for attention.

Marissa