accident, accident.. so confused

pregnancy was confirmed a week ago but i'm still in shock and very confused.

I have fertility issues so i went for treatment and got 3 beautiful sons. Life is beautiful and it should stop there, right (at least fertility-wise)? but no, i had to find myself pregnant again by merely having had sex.

I'm so at loss right now.. i know neither dh nor i had the nerve to terminate this pregnancy since we went such a long journey to get this far. but i'm beyond shocked to accept the reality i'm about to be mother of 4.

what should i do or think?

 

:hug: You don't have to think too much today. Just sit with the news for a bit and give yourself time. While I didn't have infertility issues, I didn't plan any of my kids (and was using protection for all 3) so each pregnancy was a shock. You will come around and 'get there'. There is no need to rush nor plan every detail right now. :hug:

 

Stories like yours sound scary to me since I had to have IVF... and we are done having kids on purpose... I am afraid of a "SURPRISE" like this, and I think I would feel conflicted if it happened like this. I think after going through the ups and downs of fertility issues, you must be a bit conflicted and you have every right to have a WTH moment. I am sure after the initial shock you will cherish this child just like the ones you already have. Good luck and I hope you have an easy pregnancy! Congratulations!!!

 

I have a girlfriend in the same position, except no twins. But hers are 6, 3 and 1 and she's 16 weeks pregnant. They were so shocked after needing fertility help with the others. And I know it took her awhile to come around to being happy about it. I think it finally happened around the time the morning sickness started to fade. I agree with the others, give it some time and I'm sure you'll come to peace with it and then move on to loving this new little one!

 

so many thoughts brewing in my head that it's giving me headaches.. can we afford another kid?.. and i'm not even talking about financially. i don't think we have the energy to deal with another baby.

what's to be said has already been said and contemplated. what's it in for this baby if he/she comes to this world without being blessed? i fear we are not giving all and the best to the new one.. and even if we did, would it be fair to the other 3?

 

How you feel about the baby now isn't indicative of how you will when you bring s/he home. I promise. I really do. It was super tough when I was pregnant with Annabelle. DH and I weren't in a good place and I had some of these fears. We worked on our relationship and are better. We both love our baby girl completely but when I found out I was pregnant I couldn't say it, even. I had to write it out to tell DH.

 

Thank you for all your kind words.. i hope my cloud will clear up soon.

 

You and your DH are the only ones who can really make the decisions for your family. But I have to say that I really believe there are blessings that children get from having siblings. I do obviously feel fairly strongly about it or I wouldn't have had the 6 I do. But the more they grow, learn, live and love together, the more I see it. I only had 1 brother, and while I love him very much, I kind of feel like I missed out on more of the sibling experiences & relationships that I see in bigger families. Money maybe doesn't go so far, so there's fewer big ticket items/child and maybe fewer big vacations and such. But maybe those aren't as important as the world would make it seem? Anyway, just a thought. I can tell you're really reeling from the news. I really hope you're able to find the answers you need and peace in your situation.

 

when my BFF found out she was pregnant with her 3rd (in 3 years) she stayed in bed for a week - was despondent! Turns out her 3rd (her only boy) was the easiest of the 3 kids, BF'ed like a champ for a full year, laid back, easygoing etc etc etc...

the reason you're pregnant for 9 months is so you can get used to the idea!

 

Yes. I'm an only child and for many reasons I don't think it's terribly beneficial. Siblings are a great gift!

Sometimes I forget A is here. She's quiet, content and peaceful. Meanwhile her brothers are tearing the house apart. :tease: She's quite the restful change and her big brothers adore her. :wub:

 

I wasn't planning my pregnancy with my twins. I was on birth control and we were not ready. We were living in a one bedroom home, I had just gotten a teaching job so I was going to be completing an internship (lots of hours outside of school, etc., etc.), I could only miss two days of school outside of the only 6 weeks that I was allowed. My son was having extreme behavior issues both at home and at school. It just was not a good time for me to be pregnant. However, now that I look back, it's just a distant memory and I have two gorgeous, smart, and crazy 6 year old girls and I couldn't imagine our lives without them. I don't know what is best for you, but maybe this is just what your family needs. Turns out our girls would be my father-in-laws only grandchildren he would be able to enjoy. He died suddenly and unexpectedly of a heart attack when they were 2. I've never seen a grandfather love or enjoy them more than he and I honestly think they were a gift for him. As said by a previous post earlier, only you can make the decision that is best for your family, but I truly believe that sometimes "surprises" turn out to be the best unexpected gifts a family can receive.

 

I completely understand how you feel. Last week I found out I was pregnant as well and it was completely unexpected. I felt the same mixed feelings and truthfully am still struggling now. It is a big change. I am keeping the baby no matter what and I know in the end things will be alright but I am trying to just take it one day at a time right now. I think once I hear the heartbeat/see the baby on an ultrasound it will be different and I will be able to connect with it more. That is what I am feeling right now, this extreme disconnect. But as I said I am hanging in there, I know you will too, we are all stronger than we think when we are put in that situation.

 

Amazing how things are now compared how they were before twins.. dh and keep saying how happy it would make us if this baby came before twins. but now things are different, we already a family of 3 wonderful boys.

 

My son was unplanned. I'm a supporter of replacement level fertility and I didn't want to have three kids. My husband, on the other hand had always wanted 3. And he--and in fact the entire country--wanted to have a son. I was worried about a lot of the things that have been mentioned. Was it fair to my girls, was it fair to this baby? My girls were 5 and in school and we could finally leave the house without packing for a change! I didn't want to go back to baby stage again.
Together we decided to go ahead and have the baby and (shhh, don't tell anyone) I actually love him more than anyone in the world. He's such a special little boy. He was a very laid back baby and I thought he was going to be an especially spirited toddler, but he's not really he's so sweet. I think youngest children often are, because they have to just roll with the punches of their older siblings busy schedules from the get-go. They don't have prefect quiet at nap times, or mom at their beck and call. And most of all there is always something for them to sit back and watch so they don't get bored in their bouncy seats.
So even though my reaction to the pregnancy was Oh Sh--! I love him to death now.

 

So many have given you words of support, but I wanted to chime in, too. A year ago, we had only the twins. We had discussed the idea of adding a third, but everytime we did, we always got cold feet and felt unprepared. The twins are very active, bright toddlers who are very demanding of our time and energy. DH and I have busy careers that eat up more than 40 hours per week and we've had to get creative about fulfilling our work responsibilties - midnight/early morning often found us at our computers at home finishing things up. I also had just started feeling that I had hit my parenting/work groove and was balancing things nicely. In fact, at different times, we both said, "we're happy and this is enough." Because we were never 100% behind the idea, I was on birth control. Then, we found out I was pregnant. It was a HUGE shock for us because we were not planning it. In fact, I think we were in denial about it until the 20th week, when we couldn't deny it any longer.

Fast forward to today, our son was born on July 17th and his arrival brought an amazing feeling of calm and completion to our family. Granted, DH and I both feel stretched thin and the entire family has gone through some growing pains, but in the end, we can't imagine our life without him. In fact, we ended out naming him Joseph, which means God shall add. I'm not a religious fanatic, so forgive if this sounds preachy, but my philosophy about his birth is this: we didn't choose to have him; instead our family was chosen for him. And things may be tougher for a while, and I often worry that we won't make it. BUT, when I start worrying, I hold him and that makes be believe that things will be all right. He's only been here 3 short weeks, but I can't remember life without him.

So, I echo was others have said - give it some time. Fear and uncertainty are great emotions, but love is even greater.

 

My kids were 16, 13, 10 and 10. I was working full time, going to college and on birth control pills. Yep, found out I was pregnant. I cried and cried. I was so upset. Now we have our awesome new baby girl and she is the light of our lives! Good luck and congrats!

 

I know enough has been said but i'm still in this unsettling mood - how in the world i'm going to take care of 4 children under age of 5. Ok, i have to admit i have help from husband's family and i'm not too worried about financial support (for now). but, how can i accept this kid emotionally?

I'm also working full-time, am i going to be able to work after this baby?

thanks for letting me vent AGAIN.

 

I know most everything I could say has been said already but I thought I would add one more voice of encouragement. When I found out I was pregnant with L&L, I was devastated. I was done having kids (so I thought, anyway) and just couldn't imagine having another baby to take care of now that my kids were older & so busy. How would we fit a baby into our hectic life? Was it fair to the baby? I cried off & on for a month & wouldn't even tell anyone that I was pregnant (other than my husband). And all of that was before I found out we were having twins. Anyway, I have to say that everything changes after the baby is born. There is no question of how much love you will have for this child, you will look into that tiny face & love it every bit as much as your other babies. L&L are such a light in my life, I can't even begin to imagine how I could have felt differently before they were born. They are such amazing kids, my life is better for having them in it. And the other kids adore them. There is so much that kids gain from having siblings, relationships that are so special.

For me, I had to give myself a shake & realize that there are way worse things I could be going through than pregnancy. Not that I am trying to make light of your situation or the way you are feeling, your feelings are understandable & I know exactly how devastating it can be to find out you are pregnant when you don't really want to be. But, what helped me was to force myself to get some perspective, and I did have to force myself because I was so upset that I was having trouble thinking straight. Hopefully, you will work things out in your mind & feel better about it soon. It is so difficult & the hormone changes in the beginning don't make things any easier. Continue to come here & vent, sometimes just writing out your feelings can help you work through them. :grouphug:

 

Melissa, what is replacement level fertility? I'm just curious because I have never heard of it. : )

 

I hope everything is working out for you. I don't have 4, but we just had our bonus baby this summer, to give us 3. We'd had the twins via 2 IVFs and they were 3.5 yrs old when we found out we were pregnant! Crazy how much time and money you spend to get pregnant to begin with... and then to get a bonus/miracle! We couldn't be happier, though life is crazy!! And I know a triplet mom in my local group that went through fertility treatments, and is now pregnant!! I'm pretty sure her triplets aren't quite 1 yr old yet, so am pretty sure she'll have 4 under 2!

 

I'm not Melissa, but I believe it is:
One child per parent, so they are "replacing" your spot in the world, population-wise, when you die. You are not really increasing the world's population, just replacing yourself.

 

Technically, I think it's somewhere around 2.3 (to make up for those who don't have any children or only have 1 for any reason). Kinda hard to have .3 though.