a whole bunch of mommy guilt

How much do your 8-9 month olds play independently? Mine are getting pretty good at it. DS loves to crawl around exploring everything, and DD is often happy sitting up and playing with toys. And this is a good thing - I want them to be able to entertain themselves, and I don't think kids should need mommy to entertain them every second of the day.

But here's the thing - I feel SO guilty whenever I let them play on their own. Even if it's them playing on their own while I fold laundry in the same room, or even if they are not fussing at all while I go check my email or talk on the phone for 5 minutes or something, I feel like I'm abandoning them. I know it's nuts, but I still feel bad. Like if I were a "really" good mom I would WANT to play with them all the time with no breaks... And I've never done this before, how do I know how much independent play is ok?

I also worry about not giving them equal attention. Yeah, you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but I feel horrible. Yesterday, DD was really fussy all day (skipped her first nap, and we all know how that works wonders for the rest of the day!), so I had to give her almost constant attention and just let DS roam around doing his thing. And these days she's generally the more high-maintenance baby, and DS is more self-sufficient. And again, I KNOW there's two of them and only one of me, and babies have different temperaments, and the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and all that - but I feel so bad, like I'm favoring her and ignoring him...

Anyway, I know all this stuff is crazy, I think I just need someone else to tell me so! :wacko:

 

i know how you feel...and all I can say is that by baby #4 I'm really over that mommy guilt! LOL! have more kids and you'll get over it! hee hee... no seriously, there's always something that you are going to feel bad about...feel that you could do better. I try to simply cherish the quality moments that I do have with my kids. I try to take time, maybe not each day, but each week to make each child feel special. But if you feel this way as a SAHM just imagine how working mothers feel!! You are doing a great job, and remember it's a wonderful lesson for your kids to learn how to play together and independently. The beautiful thing about twins is that they do play more together as they get older, so you don't hit the same rough patch as mom's of singeltons do. Any mom of a singelton will tell you around 15-18 months their little darling becomes a leech who can't play anything by themselves. With my twins they never really hit that b/c they had each other and their older sister to play with.

 

Just think of mothers in an earlier age who had to take care of 7 or 8 kids while doing all the housework, plucking the chickens, slopping the hogs, and hand-washing the sheets! Yes, it is good to pay focused attention to your children when you can, but it's not necessary (and IMO not even healthy) to do it all the time. They need to learn how to entertain themselves, and if they'll do it at this age, count yourself lucky! (Also, there are clingier stages to come... )

I have more trouble with this when it's unequal. One of my DDs is definitely higher maintenance, and I always feel that I"m not spending enough time with the other one. But they both seem happy and equally attached to me, so I try not to worry.

 

I have alot of that guilt too! After coming home from work I am already exhausted, then I feel bad if I don't play with them all the time that I'm home until they go to bed. My DD is also more high maintenance and is into climbing on me while DS can play nicely on his own. It can be tough to give them equal attention when one seems to need it more. I suppose that we'll get over this eventually!

 

Gotta love mommy guilt.. there is always something to feel guilty about. My girls are getting really good at playing with each other or by themselves and I think its really important to let them. Sometimes after they wake up from a nap they will be laughing and holding hands thru the bars in the nursery and then I walk in and they both look up at me like I'm interrupting something!!! Seriously though, you shouldn't feel bad because you aren't entertaining them 24/7.. that isn't your job as their mommy. Your job is to help them become who they will be.. and they should have some independence.

If I'm talking on the phone while the girls are playing, sometimes I'll sit on the floor so they can come up and crawl on me if they want to. When I fold laundry I'll talk to them about how I'm sorting the clothes. Or sometimes I just put on some music in the background, let them play and sit back and type up some emails or read TS. I'm right here if they need me, but I don't need to be in their faces about it if you know what I mean.

 

I feel this way too. Even if they are perfectly content to lay on the floor with their toys. I feel guilty right now, as a matter of fact, for being on the computer while DD is rolling around on the floor.

Just wanted to let you know, you're not alone in your feelings of guilt for not wanting to play with them 24/7. And like PPs have noted, independent play is important!

 

The way I see it, if they are happy on the floor playing independently, why interupt it?? I love playing with my girls but every mom needs a break!!

There is no point in saying it, but we all need to GET OVER THE GUILT!

 

i'm glad you posted this because i feel this way every time i come on the computer, during which they are generally on the floor rolling with toys....or in the swing in front of the baby genius dvd, which is what i do when i REALLY need a break....i know we all need them, but i feel like i should be doing baby excercises all day with them and i hardly ever do them (i was a "mommy and me" type class instructor in a previous life....o wait...that was last year!!) yikes

 

Yes!!! And why aren't daddies saddled with this guilt?! My dh stays home with the boys and he does a great job. He gets down and plays with them several times throughout the day, and he also lets them explore and play and do their own thing a lot. When they're doing their own thing, he's always right there if they need something but otherwise he just lets them be until it's naptime, food time, etc. Whenever I make some comment about how I wish I could do more or I'm not doing enough (usually on my weekends when I take over his role), he says something to the effect of "I figure I'm doing this the best way I know how, the boys are healthy and happy and so am I, so all is good!" Now why can't I have that attitude all the time!!??

 

I enjoy the freedom of not having to be the sole source of entertainment. That is one of the pros to having twins, right?!

 

Thanks for all the tea and sympathy! You guys rock! It's nice to know I'm not the only one.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Dec 19 2007, 07:05 PM) [snapback]540588[/snapback]
I have more trouble with this when it's unequal. One of my DDs is definitely higher maintenance, and I always feel that I"m not spending enough time with the other one. But they both seem happy and equally attached to me, so I try not to worry.


Me, too!! MOTHERHOOD=GUILT!
Try not to be too hard on yourself. And, to me, the guilt gets worse! LOL Allowing them to play "alone" is so good for them. Wonder if you had to be with your mother every single waking second? I would go crazy with mine! LOL! Allow them to be free spirits sometimes~~

 

I was just thinking this same thing the other day. I feel like maybe I'm not teaching them enough, that they'll not be as smart as other kids b/c their mommies spent every second of every day with them, and here I am having to split my attention between the two! I often just end up letting them play while I sit on the floor with them and talk to them. I just hope it's enough!

 

I feel the same way alot. Mine play by themselves constantly. They are usually on the floor crawling or sitting in their pack-n-play playing with toys if I can't watch them constantly. I don't think it is realistic to think that we can be interactively playing with them all day long. Plus I think it is good for them to entertain themselves. We do spend time playing together but they like playing with things and studying them. I try to look at it like, they are only awake for 8 hours a day half of which I am nursing them or feeding them (how much more interactive can you get). Between DH and I they get plenty of attention. Not to mention they always have eachother. I really was just thinking about this the other day, but lets face it there will always be things that have to be done around the house.

 

I could have written your post.....

 

At what point did you start giving them more "independent time" and not being around them most of the time? Mine are 4 months and I wonder about leaving them to hang out in the swing or bouncy seat so I can have a break. How long is okay at that age?

 

I've always been a "If they are happy then leave them alone" kind of mom. No mommy guilt here. The girls were late crawlers (9.5 and 10.5 months) so the 8-10 month age was kind of stressful because they knew they wanted to explore but couldn't do it and I had to be constantly entertaining them. Once they started crawling, I just let them go. It's good for them to explore and experiment with the world around them. They'll let you know if they need your attention or want some Mommy time.

 

You don't need me to tell you that you are not alone. I have the same issues but- I think it's because we're just crazy. Seriously, they NEED to learn to play independently; that is a life skill. If you are there every moment, they'll never get it. Plus - they are exploring the world and sometimes we DO get in the way - and sometimes they are clingy and needy and want us, and that's when it's important to be there.

I pretty much go by the 'if they're happy, they're ok' rule (pretty much); i try to spend a LOT of time w/them, i'm a SAHM for now (who would have thought!), and - i can tell you, we NEED a break! Even to do the dishes -some break.

A friend was over and i told her that i was concerned that they weren't being stimulated enough, and she looked at me and said "you're crazy. Look at this place: exersaucers and toys galore and the leapfrog music table and the fish tank and colors and i put on music and talk to them endlessly.....

And, yes, I think it's great that they have each other, for there will always be someone nearly at the same developmental stage. It's not like you're abandoning them while lying down and eating bon-bons all day.

So - try and get over the guilt, because, well, you can't clone yourself anyway!