a question to all SAHM

When the babies were orn, DH and I have decided y mutual agreement that I will stay at home and look after the two sets of twins. To have all 4 of them in a daycare would have cost more than my income. We also agreed that He will "pay" me a certain amount of money, for myself in a month, seeing that we will e saving on daycare and i have to give up my job,

HOWEVER I have been living of my savings, now almost depleted. He has not given me anything and says he sees no reason why he should as he pays the morgage and buys the food. I have since the childrens birth always bought their things, like clothes diapers, food when they started solids and beds, bedding and toys and then of course my own toiletries adn clothes. Now i have been doign the same with the baby twins too, but from my savings. i am running out of money, but dh sees no need to give me money to spend as i see fit. If anything I am the better financial savvy person in our household. I am very annoyed by this and everytime I mention it we end up having such an argument. He recons being a SAHM is like doing nothing.

I am sure you all had this argument at least once in your marriage aout sahm doing nothing, but its getting to a reaking point and a huge argument.

So what happens in your houselhold??

 

My DH does not pay me a "salary" to stay home with the kids. I gave up my job to care for the children because the cost of daycare pretty much ate most of my weekly income. However, my DH never expected me to pay out of my own money necessities for the children. At the very least, I would have a talk with him about your savings being depleted and that he is going to have to give you money, at the very least, for the items needed for the children. My DH has the attitude that what he makes goes towards the family including items I would need for myself.
Good luck :hug:

 

Sorry i just realised the "B" on my laptop is stuck... so please when you read my post add the 'b's" in where necessary. :FIFblush:

 

My DH does not pay me any sort of "salary". All the money goes into the same account, and half of our savings is from when I used to work. Quite honestly, I would be insulted if he suggested the arrangement you have, but I guess it works for some people? We have the philosophy that everything is OURS, not mine and his. Right now he works 3 jobs so that I can stay home and I will be going back to grad school in January, too. Sometimes he will say how HE has to go to work and I get to stay home - I quickly remind him that I work 24/7!

Anyway, it sounds to me like you all need to sit down and have a serious talk. If you don't have money to buy the things you need for the babies, that is not good and he should be helping you - they are both of your children, after all. I hope I'm not coming across too strongly, but I think it's very important that your children have what they need above and beyond the argument of your money versus his.

 

Well we have a similar arrangement but it works for us and my DH isn't an jerk about it like yours is being. I quit working when I had my first child. Daycare for just the one was going to eat up all the money I made. We set up through his work that money would be direct deposited into my account each week from his paycheck. I wanted this so I wasn't asking for cash to get gas or anytime I just wanted to run around to Target or run to McD's for coffee! So we agreed upon $100 a week. I know that sounds like a lot but it goes incredibly fast. We agreed that with this $400 a month I would pay my student loan ($70), pay for gas for my car (probably a good $100 or more per month), and things needed for the kids like formula, baby food, and clothes. I also pay doctor co-pays for the kids and myself. BUT I also have access to our one checking which kinda works like a savings for us in case I need money. Like I had planned on buying the things needed for the baby but once we found out we were having twins I had to dip into our checking since everything doubled. Also as I have had more kids it's become impossible to pay for everything for them out of my money. Like last year I paid for DS's preschool but this year it's more expensive and I cannot do it. Plus the price of formula has doubled for us so I buy some but not all. I just basically pick some up when needed and get some when we grocery shop too. I try to buy as much as I can for Christmas and birthdays with "my" money but it's hard. But I try and want to do that instead of dipping into our other account unless I need too. Another reason I like this is because I can buy DH birthday and Christmas gifts and it isn't like he is looking at the withdrawal from our checking. He has no clue. Thankfully my DH has learned that being a SAHM isn't easy and actually likes that he gets to go off to work. He tells people happily he works and I stay home. This situation works for us and I am happy with it. We don't have debit cards for our main checking so this prevents me from having to ask for cash or us using debit cards.

If you want to continue on with your arrangement (but actually get money!!!) then I would set up direct deposit like me. If continues to be a butt I would take over the checkbook and get a debit card.

 

I have to agree. That would never even occur to us. Everything we have belongs to both of us equally. We are a family, not a business partnership.

 

My DH does not pay me a salary, and i don't think it would work for me if he suggested it. I am right there with eagleswing - i work 24/7, and WE decided to have the twins, so its a joint venture. I gave up working for the first year, and my DH works full-time, and also went back to school to get his masters in Neurophysiology, OS between his work and school he's not around too much to help out.

YOu mentioned "We also agreed that He will "pay" me a certain amount of money, for myself in a month" - and it sounds like you are using that money for everything else. Food, clothes, etc for the kids. Do you have another way to purchase those things without using your alloted personal money?

Money is a tricky thing - and it requires alot of trust. Personally, I feel no one person can use it to control another without some kind of fallout. Again -- my opinion - and its only that - is that Marriage, children, and money are the 3 things that you have to completely trust your partner with. If this situation really isn't working out for you , perhaps you need to have a real heart to heart with your DH, and explain how it makes you feel.

 

We had to change the way we deal with money once the girls were born. Before the girls were born and we were both working, we never were really accountable for our spending. We both made plenty, there was always more than enough to go around. But after they were born we started to have some problems. My husband had always paid the bills, but with a new job that was a lot of hours he just didn't have time and wasn't doing that great of a job.

My point is, we had to change the way we'd always done things. After 2 years I took over the money, even though I'd never wanted to do that, and it's worked out for the best. He makes the money, but I tell him how much we have left after bills and how much he has to spend for the next 2 weeks until he gets paid again. There's only so much left after bills and savings, and we split that. When it's gone it's gone until he gets paid again. It really works out better with me managing the money. So maybe you guys could consider changing the arrangement you have now if it's not working.

 

My husband definitely does not pay me a salary and I think my family and friends would be appalled if we even suggested that or brought that topic up. We're married - so everything is a partnership. I did give up my job to be a SAHM to my DD, and now the upcoming twins. So DH supports us now... and we're still a team. If I want to buy something, I buy it. I don't have to "ask" him first or anything (Well, I would of course consult him if it was a large ticket item!!!) We share duties of the house (mostly me when he's gone to work) but he helps out on weekends, etc. And we both do the grocery shopping,etc.
This is what a marriage should entail - a partnership. Not one person holding it over the other person's head, IMO!!!

 

I run the household, including managing most of the bills. DH keeps some for himself for the things that draw directly from his account (car insurance and health insurance), and the rest I get because I pay the mortgage and utilities, handle savings, handle the shopping, etc. He does not ask for an accounting, either, he knows I won't mismanage it. He probably keeps some pocket money for himself, too, but I never ask about these things. We do have separate accounts, because this is a second marriage for both of us, but we are a one-income household, and it is OUR money because we are one family. It's isn't me and my kids and then DH off to the side. Frankly, it sounds like your DH has some control issues about money that will have to be addressed.

 

I also gave my job up to stay home with the kids because in addition to the twins we also have a 3 year old. There was no way we could afford to put all three in day care.

However, DH and I have come to an understanding that I made a HUGE sacrifice in staying home. I love the kids and it's a great opportunity but I also loved my job. DH does not limit my spending nor does he give me an allowance or a salary. His money is my money as my money is also his. We've never had separate accounts or separate money, it's always gone into the same account and is spent by us both. I also have to say though that I don't go nuts spending either. So far we haven't had any issues with buying things for the twins. If they need it, we get it.

 

DH and I have this agreement in place, too. If we want something that costs more than $75, it has to be discussed.

 

Thanks for everyone who replied. Yes we have a major money issue in this house. And DH has an even bigger problem with the control of it. Its a long story but he hates not being in control of anything. Sadly our marriage is not good, like a marriage should be. And the money is a thing he use to control the situation.
I want to go back to work because i hate the situation. With my saving almost finish i have to ask him for money and he has such a lot to say about it and what i want to buy. on the other hand he spends money on a haircut every 4 weeeks, sushi for lunch and stuff like that.
But going back to work is not an option with daycare being so expensive. and I doubt i would cope with handling 2 sets of twins, working full time and the household.
It would be nice if we could talk about it but we cant. and our marriage is not a partnership. We more like two room mates than husband and wife. And now I am drawing the short end of the stick.

 

I am so sorry to hear that. Have you tried approaching it from the standpoint of what the kids need and not what you need or want? I would think if he understands that you need things for them, it would help? Or maybe he can start buying their things and you just have your personal money? I'm not sure any of that will work given what you have said, but it's worth thinking about maybe. If he won't listen to you, is there someone he WILL listen to - a mutual friend? Parent? Pastor?

 

I don't get how to not have joint accounts once you have kids. Who pays for them?! Top half vs. Bottom? We have a family budget, and we discuss big purchases. I make much more than him, but we have equal access. We each have the same clothes budget, extras, etc. Only time I get annoyed is him spending 8.50 a pack on smokes, but that's more cause I quit and he hasn't.

 

Aw, so sorry to hear this.....that sounds really tough. Hopefully everything will work out the way you want it to. ((hugs))

 

This is for our home too. From about 2mths after we moved in together we have shared one bank account and one only. That is connected to our savings, line of credit and we also share one credit card. When we both worked, our money went into the same account - bills were paid from that, then we agreed what the remainder would go to in 'percentages' IE: savings, fun money etc.

Now that we're on one salary (and have been since our 1st child was born) nothing has changed except the budget amts. We had to batten down the hatches and use those coupons we always forgot about, flyer surf instead of just going to the closest store etc.

I hope you're able to work things out - have you thought of counselling? There is definitely someone out there who could mediate for you - for the sake of those four beautiful babes you have.

 

I'm so sorry, too. Good luck with this diifficult situation. My only advice is to think long and hard about what you want and deserve and what your children need and make that happen. You can do it!!!

I work full time and my hubby is a SAHD (HARD WORK!). We have a joint account. We try to adhere to the budget my husband drafted. And we just try to be thoughtful about spending.

 

He couldn't afford me ! :laughing: :rotflmbo:
Seriously though, we also have more of a 'ours' setup in our house and I usually do the money management, bill etc.

 

I guess I'm in the minority, but I do get paid a salary. My DH is self employed and I do the bookkeeping and administrative type stuff for his company, so technically I am earning my salary. We do have joint checking accounts and from that all of the bills, groceries, eating out, diapers, baby supplies, etc get paid. I personally still have my own checking account that my "salary" goes in to. I buy the kids clothes, toys, any of the extra stuff that's not really necessary, my clothes, hair cuts, etc... This works for us because I didn't want to have to ask for money or explain why I bought something. He figures that's my money and I can use it as I see fit. I also put the kids in a mommy morning out program and paying for that, since technically it's for my sanity and since I'm a SAHM they don't HAVE to go. I'm also able to buy birthday, Christmas gifts, and stuff like that for DH without him actually being the one to buy it. Maybe this seems crazy to others, but it's what works for us.

 

that is what is suppose to happen with Dh and I as I too do stuff for his company, but becaue i am family, i dont get paid.

reading all these posts about how many ppl out there have joint accounts and can actually work it out, just made me more sad.

I am still at a loss here

 

:hug: Boni. I've been wondering how you've been doing. I remember you posts from about a year or so ago, if not more. I'm sorry to hear that he is not more understanding. DH works with his father, and takes home $200 a week in cash. We each get $100. And that is to last us both the entire week-so-birthday parties, dinner out, groceries, diapers, etc-$200 is what we've got. I wouldn't say I get "paid" per se, it's just money he doesn't deposit and goes to pay for all the 'extras' that happen on a day to day basis.

I'm sorry you are going through this. DH and I have a joint account, and when I was working, all of our money went into the same account to pay bills, extracurricular activities, etc. I really hope he comes to see your side of things. I really do. Big, big :hug: to you.

OT, but how are all of the girls doing??

 

It seems to me that there isn't really "his money" and "your money" in this situation. The money that he earns at work is both of your money - he could not work without you staying home to take care of your kids. I wonder if you might try having one bank account with both of your names on it, and one credit card acount with two cards off the same account. You can pay your bills one night per week TOGETHER. I am not a SAHM, but my DH and I both only have joint accounts. He makes a bit more then me, but I can't imagine that I would buy less stuff because of that! I actually buy way way way more stuff!

 

Oh honey, that is horrible that he trusts you with his children's lives but not with finances. A marriage is built on trust. I would urge you guys to seek marriage counseling for the kids' sake. I work FT and DH is a SAHD. We have joint accounts for everything and I never make him account for what he spends. We use 1 account to pay bills and another for "fun money". That way we make sure we don't overspend what should go to bills.