A Horrible Day

Hi everyone. I'm a new mom of twin girls. They were three months old on the seventh. They are usually happy girls with one having a much more vibrant cry than the other, but I can usually console them both.

Today was not a good day for my girls. D was rather pleasant and happy today, but she wouldn't take any naps. L was happy and pleasant a very small amount of the day and spent the rest taking "nap-lets" or screaming her head off. I had a small breakdown and cried, and then my DH declared that he hated our babies and wished he'd never said yes to having them.

I said that he was just having a bad day like I was, but then he said no, he wanted the girls to go away and now he's locked himself in the bedroom.

What am I supposed to do? My best friend came over and she's with the girls right now. I tried talking to him, and he just stares at me. I feel overwhelmed myself and I really thought we'd be able to talk to each other when we had these kinds of days. Help!

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you! I don't have much advice, but I wanted to give you all the cyber hugs I could give! I'm sorry you are having to go through this right now. Have an infant is a HUGE change. It's a change for you, for the father, for the couple-everything. Add in TWO infants, and it's twice as hard.

I believe men can get PPD as well. Here's an article: PPD in Men. How was he prior to their birth? How was the relationship? Is this a sudden change with him?

I am glad you have a friend there to be with you/help you. Do you have family around? I hope you and dh can work through this. We all have our bad days-it's certainly not easy being a parent! :hug: Would therapy be an option?

 

Wow, I'm sure that's a lot to get your mind around right now. I agree that maybe he has some PPD going on and I hope that the two of you can talk and try to get some help through all of this. I'm sorry. :grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I too have heard that often if the women don't get PPD or baby blues even, that the MEN instead can get it. My dh wasn't the nicest person to be around when the babies were born -- men especially have a hard time with change and two babies are a HUGE change in their lives. Some professional help might be needed for your family to deal with this time.

Heather

 

I dont have any advice. Just wanted to give you a nice big hug and let you know we are here for you.

 

I'm so sorry!! I agree with the PP that he may need a little help. How has he been with the girls so far? How was he prior to their arrival? Is this a build up of frustration? We had a rotten day, too, and are feeling defeated. Ugh. Keep us posted. Big hugs.

 

A big fat hug to you!

 

:grouphug:
I am so sorry.
I don't have anything to add, but agree with others about the possibility of PPD. I feel for you. I know this has to be so hard.

 

That is so hard. My best advice is to be patient with him. He's feeling overwhelmed and men have a lot fewer resources to deal with it. I can remember my DH practically tossing one of our colicky twins at me saying "Take this &*%^$# thing away from me!" He told me later he'd have fantasies about getting in his car and just driving away. And yes there were times he told me he hated having babies. Try not to judge him and know that this too shall pass. I'm sure he's feeling awful about the thoughts he's having. Please tell him it's normal. The babies will get easier, there will be better days and they are a lot more fun when they get more responsive and take predictable naps etc. Month 3 is hard because your physical and emotional reserves are shot but the babies are needing more and more.

This is very personal but my DH had a hard time with the lack of sex since the babies had been born. I'd been wearing myself out trying to do all of their care so they wouldn't bother him. When he'd ask for sex there was just no way I could summon the energy. What actually worked for us was for me to "put out" even when I didn't feel like it. It made him more relaxed. That 15 mins of time was worth it because he was way more patient afterwards and a lot more help with the kids!

 

:hug: I am so sorry that you are going through this with your DH. The first months of twin parenthood are hard on both parents. I agree with Meaghan about checking to see if he may be having PPD type symptoms. It sounds like your DH was feeling totally overwhelmed and a day of babies not napping and crying is enough to drive anyone into a locked bedroom. I hope after some time you both were able to talk. I would give him his space and then try to talk to him :hug:

 

:hug: I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree, it sounds like he has some PPD and maybe he needs some help. I hope you were able to help him yesterday. The first few months with twins are so difficult. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed when you are sleep deprived. Hang in there, it does get easier. :hug:

 

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU everyone! I feel much better this morning. My best friend (God, love her!) took over last night, and I just woke up from a nice 8 hour sleep!!

Before today, we'd both had some rough days, and he looked like he was at the end of his rope, but he always came around. We would sit and hold hands are just have a good laugh at something silly, and everything would be fine. On Saturday, he was playing with the girls on the floor. I truly believe he doesn't hate them, but I do think he might have regrets about saying yes to becoming a father. He doesn't deal well with being overwhelmed. I think I do need to give him some space to let him cool off a little. Hopefully his full night of sleep helped as well.

I know that this is a problem! With a person staying here to help us out nearly 24/7, Saturdays is a bit of a relief when it's just us with the children. This Saturday was a little better than Sunday, but the girls never took naps together, so we didn't have time to truly be alone. I really do need to make more time for him, I know I do. I just need to find the time when his mother isn't here!

 

I'm so glad you feel better and got some rest last night. Hang in there! :grouphug:

 

:aggressive: I can relate a bit to you and I just want to encourage you. This parenthood thing is overwhelming. When I got pregnant this last time, with a second set of twins(RIP Baby B) I was a little scared, this would give us 6 kids, but I was still so happy. It took me a minute to notice that my DH had withdrawn from me. I was so sick and tired during those first few wks, I thought he was being considerate of my feelings. It wasn't until I started feeling better that I realized we weren't being intimate, shoot he would barely look at me. When I finally got him to be honest with me, he revealed that he didn't want the babies, that he in fact was happy when we had just our first 2. I was completely floored, especially because it was him who told me to get off the pill, after which we conceived our twins. I guess he was secretly hoping I wouldn't get pregnant. Anyway, very loooong story short, I had to back off. I also had to decide whether or not I could be happy with him while he "got used to" the idea of more children. I had to realize he was overwhelmed and felt out of control. And you KNOW men have a hard time admiting and dealing with feelings. My DH was hurting me by trying NOT to hurt me, keeping everything inside. I know this will be difficult, but you have to give him time. I know it feels like he shouldn't need it but if he and your marriage is worth fighting for then :aggressive:

 

I'm glad you are feeling better, and I'm sorry this has been so hard on you and him as well.

Sometimes it is very hard for men to understand when you become a mother you are no longer just a wife devoting all your time and attention to him.

Add very little rest, stress to all this mix and we can easily get out of balance.

If you could have his mother over and the two of you can get away (check into a hotel for a few hours...lol) I'm sure he would feel like a man, not just a dad anymore.

As hard as it may be, you will find the time for him, and he'll be more pleasant. As long as you have the love and commitment for each other, I think you'll pull through.

 

:hug: :hug: :hug: to you sweetie! It is hard raising two infants to be sure and there will be days when both of you will feel like you just can't take any more. But the good times will outweigh the bad!! Your twins are still relatively young - we went through a little rough patch when they were around 3 months old (fussy/crying a lot) and the only way we got through it was with lots of help and support from friends and family. So I am glad to see you have someone you can count on and don't be afraid to ask others for help! Another "babysitter" we relied on a lot when they were fussy was a baby swing (two actually) - do you have one or two of those?? I am not ashamed to admit that my girls napped in their swings every day from about 2.5 months old to 7 months old. They were total lifesavers!! They are almost too big for them now but we very occasionally use them if they won't nap or are very fussy. They are teething now so are going through a bit of a whiny phase (especially Ava!!) but I know that it will pass eventually.

I would also advise that you and your husband both get some time away from the babies when you can - both together and alone. That is incredibly important. I took my first day off alone from the babies (other than "working" an 8 hr shift at a twins' sale in March) on May 8th and it was heaven. I got a leisurely coffee and read a book, walked around and went to any shop I wanted to, got a facial, then had lunch with my mom and sister. I should have been doing this all along!! It was so rejuvenating. I will now be taking days off like this at least once a month. I also let my husband take a day to himself when he needs it. And as has already been mentioned, sex is important too - I don't think we had sex until they were around 3 months old as it was the laaaaaast thing on my mind. But my DH was going crazy so I threw him a bone and he was much better after that. We still find it hard to find time for sex but it really does help keep our relationship strong. I hope things get better for you and your husband and best of luck!

 

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to hug you!

 

Oh, I've been there and share your pain! Both my DH and I have had days like that - where we want to run out the front door with a suitcase and never look back. We had either my mother, sister, MIL, or stepmother here staying with us for the first 3 months, and honestly, the constant company is what finally drove us over the edge. My DH is a quiet, introspective guy, and we live in a small house. The lack of privacy nearly drove him crazy, and things got much better after we decided to "go it alone". (We ended up hiring a doula to help us out instead periodically, and she was much less intrusive.)

Sex is definitely an issue with us too. It is seriously the last thing on my mind - all I want to do if the babies are quiet is sleep or read a book in bed or have a bubble bath and just enjoy "me time" for once. But like others have said, I finally realized that it's better for our relationship to make the effort once or twice a week, because it makes my DH happy (and therefore more helpful!!) and to him, it is a sign that we are getting our normal life back again.

It DOES get better - just hang in there.

 

I can SO relate, and I just wanted to add my encouragement! Both my husband and I have wanted to walk out the door at different points, but it can be so hard to hear your partner say that out loud when you just need support. One of the things that helped me to understand how challenging it is for him is that someone explained to us that Mom gets a surge of positive hormones around the babies, while Dad doesn't have those same hormones. That can be enough to keep me going some days, I suppose, while Dad can just be running on empty. Sometimes it just takes a couple hours of sleep to come back to earth! Three months was tough, and we had another rough patch at 5 months, but it is slowly getting better especially as we both get more sleep. I would definitely recommend time for yourselves AND therapy or medication. It can really help in those tough months. Hugs to you.

 

If she wants to be there, let her & GO OUT TOGETHER. Do anything together, without the spectacle of the babies and you will feel human again. I agree- a cheap hotel may be just what the doctor ordered (bring bubbles and you've got a nice bath before/after for you, too!)

My DH wouldn't say anything about the babies, but he'd take out what he was feeling about them on me- either way is not good. 3 months is super hard- too big to nap all the time, too little to sit up independently & play very well.

Sometimes when they are being bears (the babies) they act better in public, too.
:hug:

 

ITA! I think that men sometimes have a harder time bonding at first, they need time and when there's 2 it can be that much more overwhelming for them. I am so sorry you are both struggling. Definitely take some time for just you 2 if you can!!! :hug:

 

Huge, huge :hug: to you! Having a baby is such a huge adjustment for both parents & having twins makes it just that much more difficult. I do agree with others, if he continues to have those types of feelings it would be worth looking into the possibility that there is a bit of depression going on. Other than that, be patient. Hopefully as they continue to grow & develop into little girls who adore their daddy his feelings will change. :hug:

 

I can SO relate. I have a wonderful DH that I love with all my heart. I know he loves me and the kids. BUT, he has had such a hard time coping with the new babies. I actually think he needs to see a therapist, but there's no time to discuss it and no time for him to go. I really try to open my heart to him, but frankly I get SO SICK of hearing him complain about the same stuff - especially his obsession with the babies sleeping through the night. And I do try to think about him, but it's hard to think about his needs when I can barely think about the kids' needs, my own needs, and work. I'm really trying, and I know he is too. It's nice to hear we aren't alone.

 

It is so wonderful to "talk" to people in the same boat. He's working today (though he works from home) so I'm giving him space to reboot. Hopefully he'll be better and willing to talk this evening or tomorrow. Thanks again to EVERYONE.

Oh, and the girls and I went for a walk this morning--very calming. Must make it a habit!

 

Hang in there. My husband is an AWESOME dad, but he's had a harder time bonding with our little girls than our older daughter. Of course loves them, but he has said, "having twins sucks" so many times I can't even remember them all. Dads sometimes have a harder time relating to babies and you may see him get a lot more involved as they get older and more interactive. He's probably just having a hard time adjusting. Even though it's hard, try to give at least a little of your focus to nurturing him too. He's probably feeling overwhelmed and a little left out.

 

Hey everyone. Just wanted to update you. DH and I went out to dinner, and even though it was nice, it didn't really change the situation at home. He's washing bottles, heating formula, and taking out the nursery trash, but he hasn't picked up L or D since Sunday.

My MIL is pretty sure he's depressed, but she still wants to give him space. But as we're giving him space, the both of us are up nearly 24/7 with the girls. I've shown him articles on male PPD and asked him to join this community to talk with other dads. I'm afraid that if I keep pushing the subject, it may make him retreat more. But if I don't get some solid sleep very soon, I will be in no shape to take care of my girls.

Does anyone know a good resource for dads to get support other than here? thanks!!!

 

Have you looked into Multiple Birth Family Associations in your area? That might be a good place to start. Our local association has a variety of events, including a Multiple Dads Night Out about once a month. My DH hasn't gone to one yet but I am sure it would be a great place for dads of multiples to get together and talk about the challenges (and joys!) of having multiples. Even if your local association doesn't have an event like that, I am sure they have other events where you and he could meet other parents of multiples. It really does help to meet and talk with others who are going through the same thing you are. Wishing you both the best of luck!! :grouphug:

 

FBMc, That sounds SO hard. I feel for you, and I can relate. And the situation sounds pretty serious to me, if he is not willing to even pick up the babies. When I was in a similar situation, it was important to me that DH acknowledge the seriousness of the situation, that something needed to change for the good of the family and for himself. Things WILL get better, but it sounds like he really needs to either see someone and/or start taking medication. Doing those things may allow him to get back to a functioning level so that he can gain a more realistic perspective and see that his life isn't over, that there are lovely parts to having twins, and that YOU need help. Otherwise, you are going to run yourself ragged, and you may find yourself in the same depressive state. It just sounds like he may need more than time to himself and a dinner out. . . Hugs to you. You are a great mama. I know it's hard to feel like you are on your own. Thank goodness for mothers!

 

that disconnection really sounds like he's experiencing some depression. a good place for him to start would be a visit to his primary care doctor.

DH and i experienced similar hardships during the first 6 months of the boys' lives. he said similar things about wishing we'd never decided to have children and feeling like he wished he could leave forever. it nearly broke us. we discussed divorce several times, in fact. i even started secretly planning on how i could support the boys by myself if i decided to tell him to leave, because i just couldn't take it anymore.

it's amazing what sleep deprivation and stress can do to people. i honestly don't think you really know the depths of a person's worst moments until you've seen them sleep deprived.

it's important to communicate now while it's going on, although unfortunately neither of you is feeling in top form when you're short on sleep so that makes communication difficult. however, if you don't keep trying to work on it and communicating it can take a long time to sort things out, even with the stress factors improve. DH and i are a year out from our worst days and we're still work through some of the hurt and damage that happened at that time. it takes a commitment to the belief that it WILL get easier and WILL get better.

please encourage your DH to talk to his doctor about his feelings. temporary treatment of depression could make a big difference in how he feels day to day.