4 year old girl says she is a boy

Could I please survey a few of you guys about a child development question. I have twin girls almost 5. One of them says she is a "boy". I think that started partly because role play is normal at this age, partly because when her sister butched her hair, my husband made fun and said, "now I finally have a boy"! Whatever the cause I think it is fair to say that it must be fairly normal at this age, afterall she wants to be a dog too! I am running into a little problem because my mother-in-law (who watches them during the day) has taken it fairly literally and has begun to treat her like a boy (says she looks "handsome", wants to buy her male gendered toys etc). My husband and I consider ourselves fairly liberal when it comes to these things and have always bought them spiderman underwear etc if that's what they like at the time, but I am now concerned that if she is treated differently she might face larger problems later on in life or at school. While I am aware of people who have gender identity issues sometimes know there is an issue very early on in life, I don't want her to go through anything unnecessarily either (ie: I worry that if she goes to school next year and tells the girls and boys that she is a "boy" that she will have some serious social issues) So, my long question for all of you is, is her saying over the past 6-9 months that she is a boy normal and should I sit her down to clarify with her that she is in fact a girl, or should I blow it off while I meanwhile tell grandma that we cannot raise our daughters as different genders? For some reason I feel like I need to have proof from other twin mothers that this is normal since my previously talking to her about this issue has not resolved it. Thanks for listening! Melissa

 

I'm assuming that you are offering her girl options too? I think it is normal, but I think at some point, it's important to not take it so seriously that she can't get out of her role when/if she's ready. Do you know what I mean?

 

I personally would sit her down and talk to her & make sure she know that it is ok to pretend to be be a boy and like boy things, some of the time. Then emphasize (sp)nicely that it is ok to have fun and play and pretend you are a boy but you know you are really a girl. I would not want Grandma to keep encouraging being a boy. To me it might make her become confused about her gender. (The reason I say this is because young children especially like to please the adults in there lives.) I did something like this with one of my girls. She was fine with it. I felt better once I knew she knew it was for pretend only.

 

I am actually having some of the same issues with my DD. She is obsessed with boy things. Whenever we get dressed, she wants to know if she's wearing a boy shirt or girl shirt. We have talked about it to her and have agreed to let her wear her boy shirts to bed, which is really a batman shirt or some other hand-me-down from her big brother. She also requests toys that are more for boys and some things I'm okay with, others not. Like for Christmas, she is obsessed with batman right now and asked for a bat cave toy, so Santa will be bringing her one. I don't want to confuse her in any way and think she's just going through a phase. When she tells me she's a boy, I tell her she's the most beautiful boy I have ever seen.

 

When my son will say this is only for boys or only boys play this, I always say that both boys and girls can do this -

I try not to make a difference between the two sexes yet - I want him to see everybody and everything has equal and that all can play with any toy and wear whatever color they want.

Of course, I wouldn't send him out in a dress but he walks around with his sisters purses and plays dress up with the neighbor girls.

 

Melissa, I don't have firsthand experience with this issue. But my first thought is that I would ask her what she thinks a boy is, and also what makes her a "boy." If she's saying she's a boy b/c she wants to wear pants and likes to play sports (or engage in stereotypical "boy" things), then you'll be able to lead her in that direction. A lot of children cling to gender stereotypes to help them define who they are.

If she's insisting she's a boy because she "feels" like a boy, you might talk to someone in your area who knows about gender identity issues.

Whatever you do, ask your daughter for as much information as she's able to give you. And if the conversation isn't going anywhere, drop it and come back again later. She might feel more talkative another day.