3.5 year old battles

Ok, I am dealing with the terrible threes, full force! We escaped the terrible twos without much incident. But now we are hitting a wall, a VERY BIG wall. Luckily, it is only with one of the girls, but I need some help!!!

D has always been the more strong willed of the two. Since she could walk, she was picking out her own clothes, etc. She is generally pretty easy going, goofy, and fun loving. But this past week has been pure HE**! She has all of a sudden decided to HATE everything that she once loved. Including the color pink...and blue...and white...oh, and anything with any speck of black or yellow on it. And she also has decided that her pink winter jacket is no longer desireable. I don't care WHAT she wears as far as pants and shirts goes...I gave that battle up long ago. But, we live in NY and really don't have the choice to not wear a winter jacket. I have found two other coats in the closet to give her as options...One has too much pink, and the other "is not my favorite" (said it a whiny voice with many tears and foot stomps). This week she has missed out on a few major outings because she would not put on a jacket. My husband works from home, so he has been able to keep an eye on her while I go out with the other twin and run our errands, go to gymnastics, etc. I was hoping this would teach her a lesson, but I just don't know if it HAS.

I feel like we are battling over other things too...all...day...long. What clothes to wear, what toys to play with, the jacket, the food, the bedtime story. She is having an incredibly hard time making decisions all of a sudden. For a girl who DEMANDED that she make the decisions all of her life, this is really stressing us both out. There are TONS of tears, lots of frustration from both of us, and I am at a loss. I find myself wondering if something is WRONG with her or if this is just another "phase". Today she said, after about 20 minutes of trying to choose what pants she wanted to wear "I don't want to grow up, Mom. I want to be 2 again". ???? And she also has been displaying physical signs of distress over making choices that normally are split second. Like, bending over grabbing her belly...distressed facial expressions...raised tone of voice (i.e. whining). And many times she says "I don't know how to say the big girl words, Mommy". Like, she just can't possibly find a way to make the decision of what pants or shirt to wear.

I have tried taking the decisions out of it. Just pick her clothes for her. But she won't LET me. "I don't LIKE that mommy, it has yellow (insert ANY color here), it is NOT my favorite". "I don't want my teachers to see me in my purple jacket, MOM"

Ahhhh.....any advice? Is this just a phase? Should I be concerned? What else can I do to help her get through this tough phase?

We try and try to reinforce that making good choices means that you can do fun things. Her twin sister is even using these exact words to explain to people why her sister is not with us (super cute, mind you, that she is recanting this to anyone and everyone).

Please help!!!

 

In my honest opinion, I think she feels like she needs to show you she is worthy of attention and that its coming from the fact that you leave her out of the activities that you do with the other twin. I think she should be part of your activities regardless how she behaves.
I have exactly the same child. My daughter is exactly the way you describe yours but I took the approach of letting her choose MY choices. For example I would pick 2 dresses and then she gets to pick the one she likes. You still give her a choice and empower her that way. As for jacket, after countless unsuccessful explaining that its winter, I let her come outside without a jacket and she didn't last a minute. After that we have no more jacket problems. I know its hard, but leaving her out will only make matters worse and her being so small, she can't tell you the whole abstract of her feelings but she for sure understands that for some reason, her sister gets to spend more time with you, while she does not.
It's hard and tantrums are the worst especially if you are stay at home mom during winter time and its like a cabin fever for all. I hope this helps. I am just expressing my thoughts and not in any way know ecatly what to do as I find being a mother the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

 

Thanks, Kateryna....I like the idea of having her choose MY choices. I may try that with my clothes for tomorrow.

As for leaving her out...this week is the first time we have ever done it. And we did it more as a punishment for taking over an HOUR to get dressed and then have her pitch a full tantrum about putting her jacket on. So, not something that we normally do. But we HAD to leave at that time, and it was 10 degrees outside. I am afraid if I let her win the battle of no jacket, she will freeze!! of course, she could just do like your daughter and realize that not having a jacket isn't such a good idea.

 

If I were in your shoes (which I have been... 3.5 is such a tough age!) I would give two options for everything. Instead of saying do you want to get dressed? It's "which dress do you want to wear 1 or 2"? Instead of can you put your jacket on it's "do you wnat mommy to help you with your jacket or are you going to do it yourself?" That way your daughter gets control, but on your terms.

And if she refuses to do something let her experience the consequence of her actions; sometimes that is the best motivator. I had the whole jacket battle with my boys, so I let them experience the natural consequence of -20 C without a jacket... they learned in a quick hurry why I needed them to put their jacket on. It was exactly long enough from the door to the car outside.

One of my sons also tells me all the time that he wants to be a little baby and hold him. I think it's just a developmental phase; he's feeling insecure about all of his new big boy stuff that he does for whatever reason. So I try to nurture that, make him feel secure about it. I think sometimes I rush them into doing big kid stuff too fast because I am tired, and I don't respect their need to take their time with it, and that causes some meltdowns. This may or may not make sense!

Anyway, good luck, 3.5 is the toughest age for us so far, so I hear you!

 

I agreed with pps. Also I'd like to suggest give her a time frame (2-5 mins). The faster she moves on, the less drama you 2 will get. And explain to her that "ppl love her because the person inside her is beautiful and nice and happy, not because of what she wearing.

Hope the phase will be over soon for you 2. Gl!

 

I agree, give her choices. We only put weather appropriate clothes in their dresser here so they get to pick whatever. For the jacket, I'd let her go out without but take it with me, she'll ask for it two minutes later believe me. Or just put her in the car without and put it backwards on her. Although not letting her go if she doesn't put her jacket on seems fine to me as well... as long as you have an option B for things she isn't allowed to skip.

I'm sorry, some kids are just much harder than others. Just keep giving her choices and hopefully it will help.