20 Months Old and the S... Hit The Fan

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies (and the occasional gentleman)
I have read and re-read all of the posts about tantrums, not listening, the terrible 2's, 3's, 4's, and so on. I would read them and think "oh, how aweful"
Well, HERE I AM.

OMG!!!! These kids are getting the better of me, they are stronger than me and I am setting us up all to fail.

The girls will be 21 months old at the end of this month.
Lately Aviva is having complete melt downs at everything. You give her something she wants, she cries. You say YES to her, she cries. You don't want to read the same story for the billionth time in a row and she cries. You don't get her in her booster seat fast enough and she cries. You get her in her booster seat too fast and she cries.

Aviva USED to be our mild-mannered, quiet, loving prestine little girl and NOW, she is a MESS!!

Here is the worst of it.
She has gone in the street 2 days in a row. The first time she just stepped in the street. TIME OUT.
The next day she went RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET.
I picked her up marched her right into the house, up the stairs and into her crib. I said in a lound voice 100 times NO STREET!! I left her screaming in her bed for 20 seconds just for me to re-group and went back in and did the same thing NO STREET!!!
I wanted her to have to stay in the house all day today for punishment (if you are going to run in the street you will not be allowed outside) but it is not fair to punsih Delilah for something Aviva did.

She used to brush her teeth with NO fight and now, forget it, we fight every night.

Nothing has changed in our house, we have not moved, we have the same babysitters we always did, we both work the same hours we always did, they still have their snuggly's, puckies and are still in their cribs.

I am talking mostly about Aviva but Delilah is hitting and pushing her sister more. We give them one on one time as much as we can (at least once a week) and respect their "own space" when they need it, especially Delilah.

My brother (who has two girls 8 and 11) says that she is going through something simular to when we were teenagers hormonaly where her body and mind and world are changing so rapidly that she does not know how to react and this is her way of figuring it out. That makes sense to me BUT, I can't help but feel inadequte. (here come the tears, I feel like such a failure)
I am 41 years old and I work full time, girls, I am tired, I feel beat down and I can't handle them. I don't want to be one of those homes where Super Nanny comes in and says that the kids rule the house and there is no control.
I was raised in a house where there was ONLY yelling and I am trying so hard not to be that kind of mom but no matter how firm I am or how many times they are in time out I can't get them to listen/learn/adhere I don't even know what to call it.

I have read Dr. Sears discipline book and I have read 123 Magic, I have read and read and read and have really tried to implement.
Is this how it is going to be till they're 4?? I don't think I can do this for that long...
Please help us.

 

All I can say is GIANT HUGS being sent your way. This is a tough TOUGH time. I have and do battle these issues all the time.

If it helps at all I find that it goes in phases where we have HORRID days/week etc.. and then suddenly they are back to being the (mostly) happy go lucky kids that I am used to- Its tough though but hopefully this is a relatively short lived stage for you guys.

The only advice is to be consistent (and I need to work on this myself) but whatever disciplinary strategy you decide to follow BE CONSISTENT with it and they will learn that what mommy says GOES.

Again huge hugs it will get better and you are doing a GREAT JOB even if you don't feel like you are, YOU ARE

 

Ditto this. You are not inadequte or a failure. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. :hug:
I don't know if this helps or not but I found the 16-22 month age to be one of the most challenging. All my kids had a period of a month or two (starting and ending at different times) within that age range when they were just really hard to deal with. I think it's because they now know what they want but are largely unable to express what that is to you, and a lot of times they don't understand the reasons why they can't have/do something. That makes for high emotions and tantrums. They are also getting into the 'help me/let me do it' phase where they need help, but don't want it.

I think the best thing you can do is to carry on being consistent with your methods. It will get better. :youcandoit:

As far as the running in the street thing, when is that happening? Are you playing out in the front garden or something? Or is it when you're getting out of the house to get in the car/go somewhere? If it's happening when you're on your way somewhere I would start either strapping her in the carseat/stroller the second you get outside or buy a harness and put that on her before you even open the door, so that you know she can't run off. If you're playing out front I might still consider a harness (maybe a wrist harness/link), you would have to move everywhere with her but you would know she's safe. Another idea would be to have their stroller outside with you and if she runs to the road then she gets strapped into the stroller (like a time out). That way Delilah can still play outside. Otherwise I would try and find somewhere else to play outside, that is more secure, until she can be trusted not to play in the road.

Good luck, I hope this phase ends soon for you.

 

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Yes, it is testing time! Never, ever fun, I don't care how many times you go through it. You are doing the right thing...putting her in her crib, giving her a natural consequence (no outside), etc kind of thing.

The only thing I can think of to help you at this moment is the "warning ahead of time stuff". I think at this age I would take them out of the car and immediately say...No street. Stand right here and wait for my hand. Then walk her to the grass, or whatever. Just lots of telling what is going to happen...what her expectations are.

And unless it's dangerous stuff, it's ok to just ignore the tantrums. And, I still believe in "bribery". Brush your teeth without fussing and we can have an extra bedtime story kind of thing.

These are all just suggestions. Unfortunately, each child is different and different things work for each one. You'll make it through, I promise :hug: Feel free to vent anytime you need to...we've been there, done that, and it's no fun!!

 

I can't help you much with the running out on the street stuff but like other posters said, my boys started tantrums around the same age. The absolute best way I found to deal with it was to ignore them. After about a week, they stopped. Really. They very rarely have a tantrum anymore.

My guys have also bested every strap made. They can get themselves out of their car seats, strollers, high chairs (I don't even try anymore with the high chairs). I basically use a deathgrip on their hands so they can't wriggle away and I don't let them play out front, only in the back where there is a gate.

I also played a stop/go game to get them used to stopping when I say "stop".

 

Did you spank her?? I'm NOT trying to cause a debate, but when it comes to safety, we DO NOT mess around in our house. We live on a cul-de-sac, and we will spank their little butts AND put them in time out if they run off of our sidewalk/driveway. People still drive like maniacs even on the cul-de-sac.

As for the tantrums, we have one of those. During the week it's REALLY hard (we can't get out every day after work) but on the weekends we TRY really hard to do something to divert that anger/energy whatever it is she has built up inside. By that I mean we will go to the zoo, the farm, the aquarium, sometimes just to the mall to shop (mainly window shopping! LOL) and walk around, or maybe even just a looong car ride to get them out of the house for awhile... Just depends. Even activities like coloring or fingerpainting seem to control it for at least short periods of time. My problem comes in that I can't keep coming up with different activities for them to do constantly throughout the day. And,eventually, everything ends up in a fight with them in some way shape or form.....

Good luck, and, dare I say, welcome to the wonderful world of toddlers??

Oh, I just remembered too while reading the other posts... One thing we do with our kids (at daycare, mall, etc) when getting out of the car is to tell them to touch the car (tires, bumper, etc) to keep them from running around the parking lot. They are not allowed to move until Mommy or Daddy say so. We've been doing that since they could walk so they're used to it. I like the idea of the "stop and go" game to get them used to stopping when you say so.

Another thing I was going to say, punishing her the day after is a little much. Kids' memory is so short that she would probably be wondering why she's being punished. That's something that really needs to be done in the immdediate here and now (Go inside RIGHT NOW, you will not be allowed to play outside if you run in the street) type of thing....

 

More Hugs!!!

Kids are funny little people always testing limits in some form or fashion. You are doing your best and with that you are not nor will you ever be a failure or inadequate mother.

Now as for your firecracker DD as others have said be consistent and show no fear. I am serious about that last part. They can tell when you are defeated and feed on that. Be confident in your punishment whatever you choose (i.e. spanking, time outs, crib stays).

A mommy once wrote in the first year board that when she was feeling overwhelmed she would go brush her teeth. She said it always felt like a fresh start. If it's brushing your teeth, screaming into a pillow, or running, find a release or some time to yourself so you can regroup. You deserve it!

All the best,
Lindia

 

Thanks Everyone, I appreciate all of your words of wisdom.

We are working on being more consistant and "showing no emotion"

Aviva had a time out yesterday and as soon as it was over she went and gor her teddy bear and gave HIM a time out. Makes me think she is "getting it"

Thanks again for all of your help, you ladies have come through again.