2 year old testing at bedtime & "NO"

CALLING ALL MOMS WITH EXPERIENCE WITH 2 YEAR OLDS' TANTRUMS! HELP!!!

Twin A has started throwing some major tantrums and I am at a loss for what to do. For instance, last night, she woke at 12:30 screaming for someone. DH went in. She then threw her rabbits and blanket at him and demanded that he leave (yes I said 2, not 12 - can't wait for the tweens). The second the rabbits left her hand, she began screaming to get them back. He put them back. She screamed. "NO" and threw them out again, then instantly screamed for their return. He gave them back again, she again screamed "no," threw them out, and began howling for the missing rabbits. Or, she will ask for something (like her blanket) and if you offer it or repeat her request ("so you want _____"), she says "NO" and/or swats at it. The second you take back the offering, she screams for it again. You offer, get a "NO," then get a demand for what she just rejected. Continue the cycle. If you leave the room she screames for your return, if you re-enter the room, she screams "NO. leave." You leave, she screams "come back!" And so on - you get the picture.

She has done this for over a week now. When this started it was before bedtime and, for the first few days, DH was addressing it. He eventually walked out in frustration and left her to cry it out. She screamed for hours each time. Now, sometimes the tantrum comes before nap time. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of her night time sleep to have the tantrum. Sometimes, she wakes from her nap to the tantrum. Last night she threw one before brushing her teeth (about an hour before bed) then went to sleep quietly, only to waken to throw another tantrum. For the most part, the tantrums aren't happening outside of a 1 hour radius of sleep .

After DH's cry it out approach failed the first few nights I took over. I have been giving her "rules" (EX: If you want the rabbits back, lay down and stop crying. If she tells me to leave, I tell her I can't leave until she stops screaming.) I have also had to swallow a lot of anger and frustration and make my reaction as neutral as possible. She seems to pick up on any hint of frustration in my voice and feed off it. If she says "no," I simply say "OK," then reiterate the rule when she makes her demands. This has cut the tantrums to about 30 minutes - but they're still there. And it's not like the first time I explain the rule there is success. Instead, I have to repeat the rule calmly and neutraly at least 20 times before she gives it up.

Admittedly, we have a lot going on. We're expecting #3 any day now and I think she feels the change coming. The tantrums are also very close in proximity to sleep, so I wonder if there's a sleep connection (she sleeps 10 hours at night and naps about 2 hours in the day). While I think that there are some considerations she should be given, I really need to get ahold of these tantrums.

Anyone dealt with anything like this before or have advice?

 

Alice acted like that (possessed) when she was either getting sick or not getting enough sleep. Oh, or going through a growth spurt. It'll get better, then get worse the next time or it'll be the other one.

 

Sounds like she needs more sleep. If she's waking up, it's messing up her sleep schedule. Can you try putting her to bed a little earlier?

As far as her asking and then changing her mind. For me, I did it ONE time. After that, I let them CIO. It's turned into a power struggle and she's trying to win.

 

Another thought I had: Does she have her two year molars? I know for my boys, the two year molars were MUCH worse than their one year.

 

We also had these changing my mind every second-tantrums between 2 and 2.5. What helped for us was that I told her that I would count to five and if she had not made a choice by then I would make the choice for her, and specify what the choice would be in advance: "You can choose which blanket you would like. I will count to five, if you have not decided by then I will give you the yellow blanket". I found that helped mine because she really did not know her own mind at times and get all worked up with the feeling of having to make a decision and take that responsibility when she could not. It did not eliminate the tantrum but the intensity went way down.

Another tanrum-coping strategy that worked for us was holding the tantruming child really tightly. For one of mine, walking away or letting them CIO their tantrum never worked but the feeling of being left alone with these overpowerful feelings made it worse. The child would fight being held for a bit but then subside gratefully into my arms; I always told them that I am there to help them and will not leave them alone when their world is so out of order.

I also agree with PPs: lack of sleep, getting sick and a big developmental step around the corner made the tantrums worse.

 

Unfortunately, the girls have all of their molars, so it's not teeth. They are growing (we just bought size 8.5 to 9 shoes for 27 month olds - they're puppies!) so it could be that. I also totally agree, lack of sleep is not contributing because she keeps losing sleep iover it. For example, last night it was from 2:30 - 4:30. I had her calmed down pretty quickly when it started, but I goofed and stayed by her crib hoping she would fall asleep quickly since she hadn't gotten that worked up. Unfortunately, she was WIDE awake and I couldn't sneak out. I ended having to start over again. I did better the second time - I sang her a song, then told her I would be back in 5. The first time my 5 minutes was 5 minutes, then it was 10, then I didn't go back in. She wasn't asleep, but she was quiet.

So, I suppose we're doing a bit of a modified CIO, but like Happy June, walking completely away just doesn't work with her. She's the more emotional one and she hasn't learned to deal with it yet.

HAPPY JUNE - Thanks for commenting. It sounds like yours went through exactly what mine are going through. And, like yours, mine just don't seem to be able to workk it out on their own. It is reassuring to know that someone else has dealt with this and survived. I will try the hug approach.