2.5 year old always wants to be "first"

A few months ago, DH and I started encouraging our girls to "race" in certain situations (brushing teeth, getting their clothes on, etc.). It caught on pretty well, and for a while, it helped us avoid some of the infuriating dawdling. But now I think it's backfiring on us, because Amy can't stand not being first. Even if Sarah genuinely gets there ahead of her, Amy has a fit because she wasn't first.

DH wanted me to ask you whether it's an age-appropriate lesson to try to teach Amy that she can't be first all the time. It wouldn't be that hard to structure things so that she's first most of the time, if not always. (She moves faster than Sarah, and also tends to be a little quicker to realize there's about to be a race -- so Sarah is often left in the dust, but she doesn't seem to mind that much.) It would avoid some tantrums if Amy could usually be first, but I feel that's unfair to Sarah, and we'd just be caving in to tantrums if we did it.

Thoughts? Have you had this dynamic with your twins, and how did you deal with it?

 

Can you have them alternate being first? One is first on even days of the week (2,4,6, etc) and the other goes first on odd days (11,13,15 etc). I figure I will have to go to that soon.

I also stress how great it is to be "next." "Joey's brushing her teeth first, but you're NEXT! Isn't that great? It's great to be next!" That also pays dividends when you have to wait in line and they get antsy. "Look, one more person and we'll be next!"

 

Yes, I think it's pretty normal to want to be first, just like it's normal to not want to share. As parents we need to teach them to share, and we need to teach them it's ok not to always be first, and that they won't always be first. That said, in some instances (like when they are exhausted or whatever), it's ok to avoid the tantrum and allow her to win.

Instead of focusing on who won, focus on what they did good. For example, wow you sure climbed right up on that stool so well. Or, hey, you did it all by yourself! Or whatever kind of thing.

 

Yep, very normal. DS throws a fit when he isn't first or he doesn't get to 'do it.' I just try to calmly explain to him that he can't always be first or do it all the time. I hope it sinks in soon!

 

I don't know what a "fit" is to you, but I don't enjoy when my kids cry, whine, and stomp their feet. So if they do those things they have to leave the room. When they stop, they come back and we talk about other ways to handle their frustration, disappointment, etc. Kids this age like routine and some predictability, so your DD may think that she should always be first for those type of reasons. I would just keep reminding her that her sister likes to be first sometimes and like the PP said, talk about the benefits of being next or second. Did you ever think you would spend so much time talking and reasoning with a 2 yr old?!

 

I love the idea of making her leave the room if she has a fit. (this could turn into a stall tactic) I use 1-2-3 Magic. So if there isn't cooperation we start to lose privileges, like Music or the Lightning light or # of books. We start at 3 books and if there isn't cooperation we lose them.

I hope you figure out a solution, but I do think it's time for her to realize that she cannot always go first!

 

I think it's a perfectly good age to be taught that she can't always be first. I wouldn't pre-structure the race just to get her to win all the time.

BUT, I do think that racing one another to get things done is a first step toward fostering sibling rivalry. We used to do this too ("Let's see who can put on his shoes faster!" etc.), until we realized the kids were spending alot of energy on sabotaging each other's efforts and taking too much pleasure in the other child's failures. Now, they each get a sticker for completing a task or they race against the clock.

 

We do evens/odds. It works very well. It applies to everything, although I do allow them to work out things like who gets a shot first themselves if they wish. If they can't come to an accord, it reverts to evens/odds.

I even do this with the boys in terms of who gets the front seat in the van, now that they are both old enough to sit in front safely.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions. Glad to know at least it's not just my kids who have this issue.

I'm a little wary of the even-odd thing, just because we have so many "rules" already, I can't keep track of them all. Also, I can just imagine myself trying to remember the date while keeping two preschoolers from throwing each other off the hand-washing stool!

I do like the idea of having them race the clock, but with no reward for actually being first.

I've also been starting to make her leave the room if she has a fit, but that tends to escalate things. She really, really hates being left alone when she's mad (especially right now -- she seems to really need Mommy a lot). So I do it if the situation seems to be totally unsalvageable, but I don't do it at the first sign of a tantrum. Maybe I need to have more of a zero-tolerance-for-tantrums policy....

 

The being first, I think is an issue all kids deal with at some point whether they are twins or not. Somewhere along the line, some of them pick up on the idea that first is good and not first is not good. I agree with the advice about pointing out the benefits of being next, and not making such a big deal out of being first.

The companion issue is "winning" when things become a contest. Winning is good, not winning is not good. My girls became interested in family board games starting around age 3/4, and we have had a lot of lessons on sportsmanship. One thing that has helped is playing the type of games where there is an advantage to being last over being first (such as memory or concentration).

It might help if you make sure the one that is not first gets equal attention and praise (or even more) than the one that finishes first. I think sometimes we inadvertently set this situation up by appaluding the "winner", and some kids just have the type of personality that thrives on that attention.