2/3-year-olds in daycare or preschool

Amy & Sarah have been at a wonderful daycare center, with the same kids in their class, practically since they were born. Right now they consider all the other 10 kids in their room to be their "friends," but I can sense that they're starting to have preferences for certain friends. And I assume that means the other kids may have preferences between the two of them, too. I'm surprised by how uncomfortable this makes me.

I've had one mom ask me if I would be willing to have a playdate with just one twin. (She didn't say which one.) I said yes, and we haven't gotten around to scheduling it yet, but I do think it's going to be hard for whichever twin is not invited.

I also wonder how to handle Sarah's speech issues. The teachers insist that the other kids do engage with her and seem to understand her for the most part (and when they don't, they look at Amy for help), but I still think it has to be challenging. And I get the sense that the other kids, while they're friendly enough to Sarah, are more engaged with Amy. (Amy is also more group-oriented, at least among people she knows -- Sarah tends to do her own thing a little more.)

Maybe I'm just borrowing trouble. But I guess I'm just looking for experiences or insight on how you can foster and support individual friendships, without always treating your twins as a unit, and yet without slighting one of them -- especially if one seems to make friends more easily.

 

Great question. My boys just started preschool so this issue hasn't come up yet. Peyton tends to be more outgoing though, so I can see that happening as well.

Maybe if one goes on a playdate, the next day take the other somewhere special...or if possible the same day? That has got to be hard. I am curious to see other responses.

 

I have no experience or insight (my boys are only 21 months) but even though they are still so little I worry about this type of stuff in the future. I have issues with splitting them up for almost anything. It has only been done a few times, but I find myself telling the cashier or whoever comments on how cute my "boy" is... that he is a twin I always want everything to be fair, and am not looking foward to the day when one is more popular then the other, or better at a sport then the other, etc. etc. Having their own friends, and playdates, well that makes me a little nervous too. I want them to be individuals, don't get me wrong, but I don't want one to develop a sense of inferiority. Ahh.. I have a few more years, but I still think about it

 

Oh, that breaks my heart just thinking about it. I guess we all just want our kids to be happy and never feel left out or sad. But life is life. Are you thinking that it's not Sarah that's invited? You seem to be concerned about her.

I mean, it's not like you can FORCE someone to invite the other child too, but as a mom, I don't think I could've asked for just one child to come to a playdate. I would think that I would just automatically invite the two of them, knowing that they're very young and one might feel left out. I think if one of the kids didn't want to go, she wouldn't. Rather than just not being invited. Also, I wouldn't want to put the mom in a predicament, such as you find yourself now. I'm not trying to say that she was wrong, I'm just extremely soft when it comes to kids and these situations and I know I would just automatically invite them both.

Again, I'm not trying to be judgmental. And it's true that they need to be their own people. And this may be because mine are a good bit younger than yours, so it's hard for me to imagine "splitting them up", so to speak.

I don't know. I just am not looking forward to these days. I'm curious to see what others say. The best of luck with this.....

 

We had similar issues last year in preschool. They have been out for the summer, but when they go back, the girls are repeating the same class as last year, the 2-3 yr old class, and the group they were with is moving up to 3-4 yr old. I don't think anyone else was staying behind. I know, that was a whole other issue, but anyway, to my point. I imagine we will have some of the same things, maybe a bit more now that they are older.

Bea is like Amy, in that she talks much more and tends to play in the group. She's shy with adults, but seems to do well playing with other children her age. Ainsley doesn't talk much, at least at preschool, and at home she talks less than Bea. New development is saying "Don't talk for me! I talk by myself!". Ainsley likes to be off doing her own thing and can be kind of oblivious. I remember last year, one of the moms told me that her little girl came home and said "Mommy! Ainsley talked today!" and her mom was like "Well of course she talks." and the little girl went on about how Ainsley never talks and it was so amazing that she said something. The preschool has an invite everyone policy for birthdays, so we didn't have the issue of one getting invited and not the other, and in the playgroups I'm in, this hasn't really come up. The moms always invite both of them.

Sorry I know this is getting long, but I was just thinking that even with different-age siblings, at this age (like under 5), it's pretty normal to invite all the siblings for a playdate. Maybe this is because I'm mostly around SAHM's, but what would we do with the siblings? I'm sure this will come up once they are school-age though and it's the kids that are doing the inviting.

 

QUOTE(cathmar @ Aug 8 2008, 12:22 AM) [snapback]919561[/snapback]
Are you thinking that it's not Sarah that's invited? You seem to be concerned about her. ...
I would think that I would just automatically invite the two of them, knowing that they're very young and one might feel left out.
... And this may be because mine are a good bit younger than yours, so it's hard for me to imagine "splitting them up"


Yeah, I am more concerned about Sarah. Between the fact that she's more of a loner by nature, and that she doesn't speak as well, I just worry that the other kids don't bother with her. I haven't done much direct observation, but I usually see the kids playing more directly with Amy. That's my main reason for hoping Sarah starts to catch up on her speech soon, because it's only going to get harder as talking becomes more and more important in their interactions with other kids.

As far as the playdate thing, the funny thing is that splitting them up didn't bother me at all when they were younger. They just didn't seem to show much awareness of whether the other twin was there or not. They seemed to consider each other as just another friend, albeit one that they happen to be with 24 hours a day. It's only in the past 6 months or so that I've felt they have a really special bond and understand that they are sisters and not just friends.

And in fact, it was several months ago that this mom asked me about having a playdate with just one child. At the time I assumed it was because she didn't want to deal with inviting two toddlers over -- not that her child had specifically wanted to exclude one of the twins. I have no idea what the case was.

QUOTE
I was just thinking that even with different-age siblings, at this age (like under 5), it's pretty normal to invite all the siblings for a playdate. Maybe this is because I'm mostly around SAHM's, but what would we do with the siblings?

Since we all work FT, there's not that "what would I do with the other child(ren)" issue -- I think we assume that each parent can take a child or two on the weekend.

So, I guess in theory I still don't have a big problem with having just one twin go to a playdate (assuming I can figure out something to do with the other twin) -- it's more that I'm worried about a potential imbalance. Sigh. Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I'd love to hear more.

 

QUOTE
Yeah, I am more concerned about Sarah. Between the fact that she's more of a loner by nature, and that she doesn't speak as well, I just worry that the other kids don't bother with her. I haven't done much direct observation, but I usually see the kids playing more directly with Amy. That's my main reason for hoping Sarah starts to catch up on her speech soon, because it's only going to get harder as talking becomes more and more important in their interactions with other kids.


I have the same concerns with Ainsley. She is a lot harder to understand, and Bea often interprets for her, even though I know what she's saying. I have no idea how or if other kids can understand her. They also act like they are a unit, and if you call one in a group setting, the other comes too. I don't know how they would handle just one of them going on a playdate at this age. Bea had a meltdown because I only took Ainsley to the store once.

QUOTE
And in fact, it was several months ago that this mom asked me about having a playdate with just one child. At the time I assumed it was because she didn't want to deal with inviting two toddlers over -- not that her child had specifically wanted to exclude one of the twins. I have no idea what the case was.


I am going to bet this was the case. At least in my circle of moms, the playdates for the preschool-age set (and under) are more about the moms getting together and getting the kids out of the house. The kids aren't really the ones saying "I want to invite Jane over". My life seems to revolve around playdates, and it's not uncommon to have like 10 kids running around your house of varying ages. Usually I just tell A&B that friends are coming over and they have just started asking "Who?".

 

We don't start preschool until next week so I haven't run into this problem with friends (yet), however sometimes they do separate. Occasionally my MIL will take one or my sister will take one. In general they take Troy. He is the more social kid. Jet is the loner and loves to play by himself. It's not that they aren't aware it's just they enjoy different things. Troy enjoys going with other people to different places and Jet doesn't. Once my MIL decided to take Jet (because she felt bad that she always took Troy) and he barely got out to her car before he started crying to come home. She immediately brought him back in and Troy jumped at the chance to leave and everybody was happy again! I guess my point is until it happens you won't know if Sarah will be upset by the separation. I have also found that my reaction plays a huge part in how they react.

I remember wishing my singletons came with instructions but this applies even more so to multiples. Motherhood is tough to figure out! :umm:

*edited to ask:
On the playdate would they expect you to be there and find other care for the sibling? Or just have one twin over by themself?

 

maybe you can invite someone over to your house for Sarah while Amy plays at someone else's house....that way both are getting social interaction....just my $.02

 

I think we are all concerned with how to allow our children to be individuals yet still nurture the twin bond. My boys are pretty much in seperatable in any setting. I was hoping when they started preschool that they would branch out and play with other children since they go to our church. This has not been the case though. I watch them on the playground and they still only play with each other.

I would love the chance to separate them for a playdate to give the other child some one-on-one mommy time but to be honest, it terrifies me! We tried it once. My husband took one boy to the store and the other stayed home with me. Both boys cried and kept looking for brother.

I know that at some point we will have to teach them how to be independent and how to entertain themselves with out brother but i will probably put it off as long as i can without being unfair to the boys. Maybe next year!!

I am not sure if I helped you in anyway. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your concern.

 

I think it's rude of the other mom to ask you to bring only one twin to a playdate!

 

I think you should plan something special for the child who isn't going on the play date, perhaps a play date of her own with another child or a trip to the library with Grandma (or something). Honestly, I have to say that I think it's a GOOD thing for twins to create individual relationships. I try not to think of Evan and James as a unit - although they're only 17 months and they go everywhere with me so we are actually still kind of a unit! As for how your daughters socialize at school, it sounds as though one might be a "group" person whereas the other might prefer a close relationship with just one or two other kids. I think it's a personality thing. One of my brothers is Mr. Social and the other prefers one-on-one activities - they've always been that way. I fall somewhere in the middle. Good luck.

 

QUOTE(fourznuff @ Aug 8 2008, 08:58 PM) [snapback]921034[/snapback]
On the playdate would they expect you to be there and find other care for the sibling? Or just have one twin over by themself?

I'm assuming I'd be there (there's no way Amy would stay if I weren't). But it would be on a weekend (since we all work FT) and DH would be with Sarah.

QUOTE(spinhermie @ Aug 8 2008, 10:26 PM) [snapback]921158[/snapback]
maybe you can invite someone over to your house for Sarah while Amy plays at someone else's house....that way both are getting social interaction....just my $.02

That's a good idea -- can't believe I didn't think of it!

The other concern behind my question is that when we are hanging out with other families (whose kids are about the same age), Amy and Sarah are pretty cliquey. I guess that's understandable since they are one another's best friends. But I feel bad about it sometimes. The little girl next door (who is exactly their age) has been very friendly to them, but when we all had dinner together, they barely even acknowledged her (though they were happy to play with her toys).

So, I struggle a bit with figuring out how to encourage them to let other kids into their charmed circle. They did at least do better the next time we got together with the neighbors -- so maybe it's just that they're slow to warm up. Having been in daycare with the same kids for their whole lives, they don't have much experience with meeting new friends.

 

QUOTE
I am more concerned about Sarah. Between the fact that she's more of a loner by nature,


As an adult loner/introvert, I would urge you to let Amy go on the playdate while Sarah has down time at home. If Sarah is truly an introvert, she will recharge with some time away from her sister.

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I think it's rude of the other mom to ask you to bring only one twin to a playdate!

I don't think it's rude at all. Why do twins have to be a package deal? Why should another child have to play with A in order to be friends with B?

 

We haven't gotten completely to that point yet but I can see that certain kids/parents favor one twin over the other.

My boys didn't start daycare til last September and have stayed together in daycare for the entire time until about 6/7weeks ago. They were having lots of issues and doing a lot of bullying of other kids. They were acting out a lot and not really talking like they should be. Cooper was having the most trouble(biting a lot ) and we think it was one b/c he was bored with the kids his age and 2 he had his brother there by his side. We moved Cooper up to the 2's/3's room and at first it made me really sad to separate them but they are doing SO much better. They are both making their own little friends, talking like crazy and no more bully issues. They still see one another at daycare and do certain activities together(Wiggles music, stretch and grow) but they have their individual time. At the end of the day when the classes start to get smaller they end up together again. I also think it keeps the teachers from treating them like a unit. I know they try not to but lets be honest it's hard not to sometimes. Now instead of being referred to as "the twins" they are Eli and Cooper. I also have noticed their relationship at home has gotten better and they don't fight as much. There are another set of twin boys(1day younger than mine) that just started there about 2 mos ago and they were just separated this week too b/c they each relied on one another all the time and wouldn't socialize with the other kids.

 

QUOTE(stephe @ Aug 11 2008, 06:26 PM) [snapback]924692[/snapback]
I also think it keeps the teachers from treating them like a unit. I know they try not to but lets be honest it's hard not to sometimes.


I know -- I get annoyed when I hear the teachers and other kids calling them "AmySarah" -- but I catch myself doing it too sometimes. :blush:

That's really interesting that your daycare will actually separate twins. I never thought to ask, but I'm pretty sure ours would think it was highly unusual. Good for your daycare (and you) for being open-minded about it!

On the whole I still think it's better for mine to be together at this point, but I know I'll be thinking hard about separating them when they get to K. That's still 3 years away though. Plenty of time for Sarah to figure out how to pronounce the "K" sound.