1st birthday, inlaw problem, what would u do?

My DD's first birthday is March 9th which falls on a Friday. We are going to have a "party" for them on the 10th with immediate family, my aunts, my DH's aunt and uncle from GA and some close family friends. We didnt send out any invitations but we did tell everyone that it was going to be on the 10th. We have had plans for this day since the beginning of January. Well my MIL calls my mother yesterday while we were up for a visit and asks her if we can change the date b/c my FIL wants to go to a swap meet thats out of town! My brother and my father are also going to this swap meet but the next day. My mom told her that my dad changed his plans and she said that my FIL doesnt want to go on Sunday b/c he doesnt want to see his brothers who he doesnt get along with.

What would you do? There are already close 15-20 people coming on the 10th, would you change the date? My DH says no way but I am afraid that his father wont come to the party and that will really upset both of us.

 

How difficult! I would not change the date, especially if you have had these plans since Jan. You already have that many people coming on the 10th I would keep it the 10th. If your FIL chooses to go to the swap meet instead of their birthday party, that's on him.
Enjoy yourselves! your babies only turn 1 once!

Good Luck!

Keri

 

Well my DH just called his mom to see what was going on and he isnt going to be there for their 1st birthday!!!!! I am so angry right now and in tears. How could anyone not want to be a part of these beautiful little girls lives! I just dont get it. My DH is in tears as well...what a freakin jerk!

This shouldnt surprise me b/c his father has never been a part of their lives since they were born. He only sees them on holidays and if we go over there, which we dont very often. Why are some people this way????

 

Im sorry he is such a jerk. My ILs didnt try to see my girls when we lived 15 minutes away from them. I dont know why people would be this way. How is a swap meet more important than a 1st birthday party??!?!?! Im sorry but its his loss.

 

I think it's rotten that the FIL is putting you in this position. Did it ever occur to MIL that he doesn't WANT to come to the party? Maybe this is how he gets out of it and seeing people he doesn't want to see. Picking a swap meet over your grandkids first bday? That's just something I can't get a grasp on personally!

Edited to add..... NO!! Do NOT change the date for ONE person. If more people couldn't make it then, yes! But not in this case!

 

This is such a special birthday for them. Not just b/c it is their first but b/c they were born early and we werent even sure that they would make it and now they are turning 1 and are perfectly healthy little girls....I dont know what to do. My DH wont talk to his father about how upset he is, his mother mediates, always has. I on the other hand am the type of person that lets people know when I am upset with them and biting my tongue right now is really hard. What am I suppose to tell my girls when they are older looking at pics and ask "where is grandpa stewart?" Am I suppose to tell them that he chose a swap meet over their birthday?? Geez, that makes them feel important. Next year will be the same thing again so he is going to miss their first 2 birthdays. I am so angry at him, I could just SCREAM! This isnt only going to hurt us, but my girls too when they get older.

I told my DH today that we will NEVER go over to his parents house again. If his mother wants to see them, she can come here. No way do I even want my kids around him ever again. I dont want him to have the chance to hurt them and I dont want to go out of my way so he can see them when they arent important enough for him to change his plans for a swap meet of all things. My MIL comes over twice a week, has since they were little, and I guess that is the only time she will see them. That might be harsh but I cant stand the thought of my FIL. He has always been "weird" but it is fine to do that to me, but not my kids and his first grandbabies.....

 

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. My FIL and step-MIL decided that they would rather hang out with friends then come to the boys' 3rd birthday party. They live less than three hours away, and come up to see step-MIL daughter quite a bit who live about 15 minutes from us, and never bother to stop by or invite us over. It is all about my step-MIL kids and nothing about my FIL kids (there are three siblings and he never sees any of them). It hurts us a lot that they do that, and I am sorry that your FIL is doing this to you.

After the way that they treat us, I will only go down to my FIL's house one a year for Thanksgiving (everyone comes). Although after the way there treated the boys when we were there last Thanksgiving and the stuff that they hav been pulling recently, I am not sure if we will go this year. I just do not understand how grandparents can ignore their grandchildren like that sometimes.

I hope that your girls have a great birthday!!!

 

Angie, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Its horrible and he should be shames of himself. Family is more important, and he should be so selfish. If I were you I would tell him exactly what I thought, but I can be a bit of a hot head .Don't change the date, you have a lot of people who are going to be there and are going to celabrate your little miracles. Regardless of your FIL your girls are going to have a fabulous day. I hope you feel better and heres a little hug .

 

my IL's live next door, could be outside standing on the street and if I walk outside with one/both the kids will waive and get in the car - they don't come over to see them - they see them once a week on Sunday's for an hour when we go over to their house....

anyway not to hijack your thread but if that is what is important to your FIL then the girls will understand when they are older that grandpa just isn't wired the way the rest of the family is...

oh and there is no frickin way I'd change the date for one person - I didn't do it for my wedding and I certainly wouldn't do it for their birthday party...

 

All I can say is- It is his loss and someday it will hit him how much of a bleep he is. I would let him know how you feel. You will feel better and he will not get away with being so damn selfish.

 

First I would like to introduce myself I am angie's husband and the father to Alivea and Kaytlin.

I don't understand why my dad is acting the way he is and not going to try to make any excuses for him either. I just know that I have the three most important ladies in my life and myself included that will be hurt no matter the out come of this situation. If he comes or doesn't come. My wife and children are very precious to me and I never want their feelings hurt in any way shape or form. I just hate the fact that I am being torn between all my girls and my dad. Our little girls have been through a lot in that last year with being in the NICU for two months, on monitors when they came home, I just hoped that this would be a very special day for all of the families to come together and congratulate these little girls on such a great accomplishment. But now with all of this happening like it has their day will not end up the way it should have and that just sucks for them.

As my wife stated I will try to avoid conflict at any cost. She is the strong one in this relationship. I wish I had it in me to call and just go off but for me that is just impossible to do. And it is not like my girls are not important enough or I don't love them enough. They mean the world to me and have never loved two things more in my life....

I just don't know what to do?

 

I'm sorry you are both suffering over this, especially after such a difficult beginning w/your little girls.

in terms of not wanting - or feeling able - to 'go off'; have you thought about writing a letter? Just being really clear that you don't understand and are disappointed about his priorities and that it makes YOU feel badly. And I'd keep the focus on how his behavior makes you and your wife feel, not on what he is doing.

At the end of the day, he makes his own choices and has to live with them, and so do you. Maybe if you send a note and don't hear back you can follow up w/a phone call.

As for worrying about what you will tell your girls when they look at pictures, you don't have to mention what he did, just say that he wasn't able to come. but - that's not really teh point; the point is, how do you express your needs/anger/frustration and disappointment in a way that works for all of you?

I hope you don't allow this to impact your special day w/your girls and all of those who choose to be a part of it.

 

After a long day yesterday and a huge fight that DH and I still arent talking, he called his father. He told him that he needed to be there and it was like our kids werent important to him at all. His father said he will call his friends today and change the day so he could be there. Nothing set in stone yet so he might still be going to the swap meet. I frankly dont care if my FIL doesnt want to be there, he needs to be there for my girls.

My DH left today for 4 days b/c of business and we arent talking...going to be a long week.

 

Im sorry you two arent talking but this is something that needed to be addressed. After awhile of being treated like crap from your ILs, you will blow and it would be alot worse so its important your dh stood his ground now. I know alot of times, my dh does it too, they dont want to hurt their parents feelings, but you and your girls are his family now, you are whats important, even your dh stated that in his post. It more important for you, the mother and wife, to be happy than his parents, his parents had their time with him, and now they have to make decisions on what is best for them, and if those decisions happen to be a swap meet being more important then they are really crappy people.

 

I would just tell your MIL that her and your FIL can have a separate one-on-one party, but because of the number of people coming you really can't change it and that "she understands...right?"

 

I have huge inlaw issues also...not enough room on this website for me to tell you everything. The biggest thing I have learned from all of this is to not let it come between myself and my husband. My husband is similar to yours...would rather "keep the peace" and not saying anything. I am like you...tell them what you think. I have learned to respect the way he wants to deal with his family...as long as it does not affect me personally. I don't see them often thank goodness(they live 20 minutes away). I know you are very upset with his father right now, but put that aside for a minute and think about how much fun you are going to have with all of those other people that WILL be at the party. That is the way I think all the time. I keep saying to myself "It's their loss". Find some peace inside and make up with your husband. That is more important than worrying about your FIL. I'm not telling you that you are wrong by any means. I have been through similar (and worse) situations than this and always try to keep my marriage more important than my IL's stupid decisions.

PS - I am ALREADY worrying about how my IL's will try and sabotage my girls' first b-day and it's still 6 months away!

 

After a short, sarcastic email from my MIL, my FIL is going to the party... Still not happy that this situation went down the way it did, but I am happy for my girls that he will be there.

 

I hate to say it, but you already had it planned, and have told everyone. If he can't make it, so be it... he can look at pictures and see what he missed. Maybe even have a celebration at their house on another day just yall and them?

 

I don't change dates for the inlaws. None of my fils side of the family came to the girls 1st b-day because they wanted to have their own party and as many of you know me and dh had been having problems at this time so refused! I want to offer the girls a united front that all of us can come together and have their birthday together(dh's parents are divorced my mils side came). I will continue to have only 1 party and they are invited but I do not cater to them.