12mo parenting question

My sweet, adorable daughter has started really bullying her brother and I'm not sure what to do about it. She has been real grabby with toys for a few weeks and I've tried to intervene and tell her no, hand him back his toy, etc, but I've noticed since their birthday, she's gotten really aggressive with him. Yesterday when he wouldn't give up the toy, she JUMPED on his back and started screaming and pulling his hair. Then in the afternoon, she did it to ME! I was looking at a magazine and she started pawing at it. I told her no, put the magazine down and tried playing with her. She completely ignored me and kept grabbing for the magazine. I put the magazine out of sight and she went NUTS! She screamed at me and started slapping at my face. I picked her up, told her no and put her in her crib for a minute to cool off. She threw everything out of her crib and was literally stomping her feet, screaming. Did I mention she's only 12mo... AYE, AYE, AYE what is she going to be doing to me when she's a teenager?!?!?!!?!??!?!?! :icon_eek:

I've tried telling her no (so much so that as she's attacking her brother, she's shaking her head no), distracting her, removing her, putting her in a different room, and picking Ben up, turning away from her and lavishing attention on him (snuggles, tickles, giggles) after she attacks him. I think this does work somewhat, she cools off and is back to my snuggle-bunny within seconds, but won't this build hostility between them over time?

Stacy

 

SS! No advice to impart - I haven't gotten there yet. But, I hope you find a good system to change that behavior!

 

QUOTE(Stacy @ Aug 2 2007, 10:38 AM) [snapback]354290[/snapback]
My sweet, adorable daughter has started really bullying her brother and I'm not sure what to do about it. She has been real grabby with toys for a few weeks and I've tried to intervene and tell her no, hand him back his toy, etc, but I've noticed since their birthday, she's gotten really aggressive with him. Yesterday when he wouldn't give up the toy, she JUMPED on his back and started screaming and pulling his hair. Then in the afternoon, she did it to ME! I was looking at a magazine and she started pawing at it. I told her no, put the magazine down and tried playing with her. She completely ignored me and kept grabbing for the magazine. I put the magazine out of sight and she went NUTS! She screamed at me and started slapping at my face. I picked her up, told her no and put her in her crib for a minute to cool off. She threw everything out of her crib and was literally stomping her feet, screaming. Did I mention she's only 12mo... AYE, AYE, AYE what is she going to be doing to me when she's a teenager?!?!?!!?!??!?!?! :icon_eek:

I've tried telling her no (so much so that as she's attacking her brother, she's shaking her head no), distracting her, removing her, putting her in a different room, and picking Ben up, turning away from her and lavishing attention on him (snuggles, tickles, giggles) after she attacks him. I think this does work somewhat, she cools off and is back to my snuggle-bunny within seconds, but won't this build hostility between them over time?

Stacy


I don't have any great advice. But I do sympathize - my boys fight like this too. Colin tends to be more aggresive, but every so often Gavin lashes out. Probably in retaliation for all the times Colin knocks him to the floor, pulls his hair, pokes at his eyes... We always tell whoever the trouble maker is no and then separate them to different parts of the room. That works most of the time. Sometimes a "timeout" nap is warranted. Looking forward to other suggestions...

 

Same here... I can relate. My daughter is the one prone to fits at not having her way and she, too, is real "grabby" with toys. I have noticed that my son has been grabbing them back over the last week and that seems to 'squash' some of her aggression. Maybe it is leading to all out fights, though I hope not. I am looking forward to seeing how others have handled this, so I am sorry I am not much of a help.


Cat

 

I'm laughing but not at you, with you. I have one just like your DD and his name is Cooper He is such a bully- pushes, bites, takes everything away, hits. The boys are 15mos old and it just started to get a little better. I just kept correcting him for what he was doing to Eli. I would tell him No, re direct and sometime do just as you did and put him in his crib. You would have thought I cut his finger off. He screamed bloody murder, throws his self down and also throws everything out of the crib. After 2 mins I get him out and he hugs me(the only time he will hug me), stinker! When he bites I say louldy, NO and then give Eli all of the attentiong but he doesn't really care. The only thing that gets his attention is a pop to the butt or a time out in the crib. The past few days it has started to get better and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Eli is fed up with it! He has started fighting back and taking up for himself.

Good Luck!

 

My DD does this. She is 13 months. I have a pack n play that I use for her "timeouts" that has no toys in it at all. Anytime she starts throwing a fit she goes in there to cool down, and it really has seemed to help. I think whatever you do, just be consistent. So she understands that a particular action will always have the same result. I steal from brother, I get put in time out. Over time it is not worth the fight, because she isn't getting what she wants anyway. I think right at this age they are just starting to get frustrated at not getting their way all the time, and they are trying out some new tactics like hitting, tantrums etc, to see if that produces the desired result. When it doesn't they will move on.

 

It sounds like you've tried alot of different options. Time outs, re-directing etc often does work... but then sometimes their little strong will just doesn't know when to stop.

Personally I don't like to do time outs in cribs. I like to have a special chair, stool, futon or something and the offender sits there with NO TOYS until the time is up. I do one minute per year in age. If they get up, then they get additional time or discipline.

I know all won't agree with me. BUT In our home, we have chosen to spank for willful defiance and disobedience. This behavior started surfacing around 10 months. Now I just have to remind them what it means to obey. "Do what you are told when you are told". I also point out, you are not obeying, and they usually change their behavior. It might be time for her to be corrected for this.

Have you tried role playing with her? Example. She sits & watches you and DS (or you and dolly) role play. You show how to ask for the toy, by signing and saying "please", then hold your hand out. Then have DS give you the toy. you play with it for a second then give it back to DS. Practice this several times and have DD practice with you. You could then exaggerate the wrong way to behave with a doll. then you say, naughty mommy. then re-do the correct way with the doll. Say please, then the doll gives you the toy, etc. Role play this several days in a row. When she starts biting/hitting/bullying, say, "DD, We don't bully our brother. We behave kindly. Biting is not kind. What should we do? (remind her to say please may I have a turn?) " Give her a chance to respond appropriately. if she doesn't, then put her in time out, or whatever. The consequence has to be fairly quick after the offense for the association to stick.

You will have to be patient and consistent on this for at least one week before you start to see small changes. I've been working on this for about a year, and still I have to remind the girls to say, "Please may i have a turn", or "please don't " or "please don't take it from me". Just persist in this and you will have more peacefullness in your house. IMO, You can't allow her to throw tantrums while in time out or like you said, you will have a nightmare on your hands when she's a teen.

 

know all won't agree with me. BUT In our home, we have chosen to spank for willful defiance and disobedience

1st I don't agree with the above I don't believe 1 year olds can be willfully defiant - just my opinion and I don't agree with spanking, that being said.........



I went through this with my two, its just a stage. Just repeating "no" a lot "hitting hurts", be gentle showing how to be gentle, biting hurts etc... it will get better I promise, although I know u do feel so bad for the one whose getting bullied

Good luck

amanda

 

We went through this big time around 12 months. Bea was the bully and Ainsley the victim. In fact, I remember posting about it because they were both so entrenched in their roles. Yes, Bea was bullying Ainsley, taking toys, pushing, etc, but Ainsley was totally playing up the victim role, bursting into tears when her toy was taken, etc. I don't even know what stopped it really, but over time, it has gotten much better. Once they got the concept of taking turns (which has been recent, past month or so) that improved things dramatically.
Bea also went through a stage of hitting me. The only thing that solved that was to deny her attention for a few minutes. Not exactly time out, still a bit young, but if she was sitting with me and hit, I would calmly and firmly say "No hitting, that hurt mommy" put her down, and not pay attention to her for a few minutes. She would make a big show of hitting the floor or couch and look at me, I did and said nothing.
With the toy stealing and stuff like that, taking the toy away from Bea seemed to make it worse. I would say "give it to mommy", and then give it back to Ainsley. This didn't upset her as much as if I took it out of her hand. Or sometimes I would encourage Ainsley to go play with something else. She did need to toughen up a bit. If Bea hit or pushed Ainsley, I would put her in the PNP for a minute, sort of like a mini-time out.