I swear, all they do is cry! (~14 mos)

I HAVE to be doing something wrong.

From the moment my boys wake in the morning until they go to bed at night, they spend most of their time whining or crying. They fight over EVERYTHING...which usually ends up in a wrestling match complete with hitting, scratching, & pushing. We spend most of our days trying to stay out of it until it gets out of hand & then trying to teach to be nice, share, etc etc etc.

They climb. And they aren't tall enough to climb onto the couch or chair, so they whine to get up there....allll day long. Then they climb down & whine to get back up. They whine to sit up in the chair with me but then wiggle to get down, yet cry when I put them down. It's like they just aren't happy anywhere.

Sometimes they cry & I have no idea why. Just downright temper tantrums...throwing themselves to the floor screaming. Nothing I do makes them happy. Other times I pick them up & they're instantly happy...but I don't want them to think that every time they cry they get picked up either!

I spend my days listening to whining, crying, & the SHRILLS they emit when they're fighting over a toy (much different than their other cries). By bedtime, I'm spent. I can barely carry on a conversation with my husband. But then I stare at them asleep in their cribs & it's almost as if all the day's anguish disappears & my deep love shines through. I do love them & we do have good moments, but these days have become endless & my patience is wearing thin. Just yesterday, I had to put Conner in his crib b/c I couldn't deal with him anymore. He screamed bloody murder & I broke down crying outside his room.

When daddy gets home, it does get better temporarily (or sometimes altogether). It's like they're angels when someone else is around, so why do I make them so unhappy? I also think their whining/crying gets to me more b/c I hear it ALL day. My DH can tolerate it b/c he only has to hear it for 2 1/2 hrs til bedtime; same with anyone else not around them much. They spent a night at my parents' this weekend & my mom said they didn't whine til I walked in the door to get them. I mean, I know kids are better for everyone BUT their parents, but to this extreme? My DH tells me I need to get out more often (I work overnights 3 nights per week but have only been doing 1-2 nights the past 2 weeks), but when I'm away, I miss them terribly & can't WAIT to get home. I'm a total nut job...crazy at home & crazy away!

I truly think my duo are twins that should've been singletons...they fight for my attention (and my lap) all day long, they seem to hate to play with each other lately (although will on occasion), & they STILL wake each other. THey've never 'learned' to sleep through each other & we've had frequent early morning risings again lately that result in 2 crabby babies. How will I ever get them to 1 nap when they're both up for the day at 5am? (Side note, they're separated for naps).

So, is this a phase I just have to grit my teeth & endure? How long does it last? What am I doing wrong that my children spend so much of their day unhappy? And why does it seem to be just me?

Thanks for letting me vent (and for have read this far into my vent!). Hoping someone can shed some light on how to make our days better....

 

Mine are the same and the same age!! They are ANGELS for everyone else, but for me, forget it! All day whining and carrying on the second they see me. I think they are just tired of me...lol...Makes me feel terrible, but I think that's what it is. They love to meet new people, see DH, anyone but boring 'ol me. When they go to Grandma's house, they are SO good. My mom doesn't get it when I say they are so whiny at home. No one else can see it but me! It does get to me some days

Hang in there, I am in the same boat! :huh:

 

I'm sure it is just a phase for you. It may be a long one, but I doubt you are doing an ything wrong. I have one like that. :hug: Hang in there.

 

QUOTE(nurseandrea02 @ Oct 8 2008, 09:13 AM) [snapback]1017505[/snapback]
Just yesterday, I had to put Conner in his crib b/c I couldn't deal with him anymore.

I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant insight, but I just want to applaud you for dealing with the situation in this manner. :clapping: I'm sure it didn't feel good to leave him in his crib crying, but when you've reached your limit, that is better than any alternative I can think of. Sometimes you just need a minute, and having him cry it out in his crib is much better for him than being screamed at or worse.

Hang in there, I'm sure it will get better, especially once they are able to communicate better. I imagine at this age they are just so frustrated and can't communicate their frustrations. They'll learn to work it out eventually, and for your sake I'm hoping sooner rather than later! :hug:

Oh yeah, and in case it wasn't clear - you're not doing anything wrong!!!!

 

I have no advice, mine do the same thing. I'm praying it is just a phase that will end soon.

 

We had that at the same age. The whining, the crying, oh my!! It was awful. All they wanted to do was hang on me. They too, were angels for everyone else but me. It was a long phase, but they did come out of it. Now we just have a day here and there like that. Not everyday! Hang in there! :hug:

 

You have just described what my days used to be like... almost to a tee... my boys fought over everything, especially me... and I had seen it happen many times where theywere totally fine until I walked into the room... sometimes I would intentionally hide behind a wall so they couldn't see me standing there... and I have definitely done the "let him scream in the crib" thing... at least a few times that I can recall... so I totally get the level of frustration you are at with the situation... and let me tell you what changed my whole experience as their mother...

"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child"... it's a book that I still use as a reference to this day... it basically told me that I was doing everything wrong, and how to fix it... and you don't have to read through the entire book to get started... there are these little chapter summaries for tired mommies to browse through (which I found very clever) and then you can read it a little at a time in chunks until you get the whole picture...

my boys would wake up grumpy and stay that way most of the day, and what I learned is that a happy, well rested baby will wake up happy from nap time and especially in the morning... and after we got them on a better nap schedule during the day, it resulted in a better night time routine...which resulted in happier babies all day long... I couldn't believe what a difference it made in their behavior... it makes sense that they were just tired, but it took the book to open my eyes to what needed to be done to fix the mess i had unknowingly created... i hope you can have the same success I did... and I'm sorry for such a long reply, but your story is so similar to mine not that long ago... good luck

 

I remember the crying and whining at that age as well. I think they are frustrated that they can't communicate their wants to you. And if they aren't able to do what they want (like crawling up on the couch), they have no way of showing their frustration besides crying. It will get better and then you will enter another stage of life with twin boys. Mine fight like cats and dogs right now over everything from a ball to what movie we are going to watch. Hang in there and take a break when you need to. Going to Target by myself always helped me relax for some reason.

 

Lily wakes up crying and whining and goes to bed crying and whining. Intermittently, she is very happy, but only at the times that she has my total attention. She is only napping for 45 minutes right now so her happiest time is when she wakes and Jack is still asleep and she has ALL of my attention. I would write more but she is standing on (literally) my feet schreeching for me right now.

 

I think its easy to relate, but not as easy to offer advice, because all children are different.
I think the pp's all made good points. If my children were fussy like that all day, I would probably think they were sick/ear infection or something. And if that was ruled out, then I would think they may just be very tired or bored.

If you think they are bored, maybe you should try to set up activities for them throughout the day. I dont have any specific things b/c mine are older, and I honestly dont remember what they were interested in a year ago (memory loss - kids do that to u)
I know if mine start to get too rowdy or unhappy (when i dont think their tired) I take them outside to use some of that energy.
Sorry I couldnt help much.. Sorry you feel like they dont like you, but Ive been told several times that my children are so well behaved (just this past weekend) for other people but they dont act like that at home.. I dont know if I should be glad I trained them to behave and they know how to listen, or if I should be upset that they know how and dont do it at home.

 

I wish I could give you some advise too, but mine are going through the same phase! **Hopefully this is just a phase and that they will grow out of it FAST!!** I feel like somedays that I'm going INSANE!! I hate too that I look forward to naptimes & bedtime. What happened to my happy babies??

Good Luck to you!

 

Sorry I forgot to mention this...
I dont remember what age they really starting talking (unless i pull out a baby book) .. but you could always say 'up, please' when they are whining b/c they want to be on the couch/chair, etc, and then say 'down please' when they are whining to get down. . Or you could just say up, down, please, as one word at a time to help them learn what they want.

 

Andrea- it's becoming scary how much our lives parallel each other. I am going through EXACTLY the same thing you have just described (AGAIN!)

It's horrible. I hate it and I was in tears curled up in a ball by 8:15 am today. DH almost had to stay home from work because I have just HAD IT! I feel like my head is going to pop off when all I do is hear that crying, whining, shrill shriek and then the FITS when I cannot hold them by himself!! OMG! I resorted to putting them on totally opposite schedules today because they literally went ballistic if the other one was near me. It was AWFUL. I thought I was going to jump out the window. It's gotten to the pt now where I dread each and every day. I'm afraid of what the day will bring. No one said it was going to be easy; but no one said it was going to be THIS DIFFICULT for THIS LONG.

They are getting their molars and have been sick but I'm done making excuses. The bottom line is, it's always something.. always a reason for them to be upset and the bottom line is: I am getting to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. As we "type" I am listening to them whine and cry to DH out on the deck.

They also throw HORRID temper tantrums by throwing themselves head first onto the floor and crappie flopping. I am going to video it sometime when I'm not TOO MAD to hold the camera so everyone can see what my days consist of. They consist of me fighting battles to keep my kids happy who seem to be unable to be happy!

Anyway, I'm commiserating with you, AGAIN, Andrea. I'm sorry you're going through it too. I know someone, 0r everyone, is going to say "it's just a phase and it will pass" but I think I can't hear that anymore cuz even if this particular "phase" passes, a new one will pop up in it's place so it doesn't matter.

Had a terrible day today. Today had me seriously doubting my ability to be a mother. It was, and has been really really hard around here lately but today takes the cake.

Good luck. You are SOO not alone.

I just read pp's now and I also saw that you said that they are good for EVERYONE ELSE and that other peeps said the same thing. SAME THING HERE! And same thing w/ me walking in the room. I literally walk into the room and they start to cry and whine and just be awful! I also crib mine when I can't take it anymore.. it's the only option when it's THIS bad.

I don't blame myself for it tho. They're just miserable and it's not my fault or anyone else's. I don't think it's anything YOU are doing, Andrea. Anyway, it sounds like there are a lot of us going through this exact same thing which doesn't "fix" anything but does validate that what we are going through is normal. Makes me feel no better but whatever, we'll live through it, right:?

 

I think mine were right at that age when I posted. Each day since has gotten ever so slightly better (says this as they are fighting in the background). I am trying to tell myself it is a phase. But they are definately better today then they were when I posted a month or so ago.

 

Aaaawww...I wish I could hug you. It can be exhausting, and overwhelming. I don't think you are doing anything "wrong" but I do think there are some things you can do, to make things run a little smoother. One suggestion is on the toy fighting issue. I know there is a school of thought that says stay out of it, but I have always felt like...I want them to have the same rules at home, that I would expect them to follow in a playgroup or at school. Well if I was at a playgroup, and my kid stole a toy from another kid, that would not be ok. I think it also really frustrating for kids, because there isn't anything they can do except scream and fight. The rule we have at our house, is while you are playing with it, it is yours. Period. You can play with it for 1 min or 1 hour, but as soon as you put it down, it is fair game. I implemented this rule at 1 year, and I was amazed how quickly they understood it, and how much it decreased the toy fighting that was going on. If they steal a toy from their twin, they go to timeout, and have been since 1 year old.

As for the up and down issue, I would just set some limits. If they want up, prompt them to say please. If they wriggle down immediatly tell them, I don't care if you get down, but if you do I am not picking you back up. Period.

Hang in there girl. I promise you it gets better as they are able to communicate better, but you really have to start at an early early age setting appropriate limits, and sticking to it. Otherwise it will get worse not better.

 

Oh, I hate those phases! Big big hugs to you! :hug: It's not you, it's them - definitely THEM!

Are they teething? Mine were total monsters for a while, and then they EACH got 4 molars simultaneously! No wonder... Have you tried throwing some drugs at the problem? If they get a lot better after some Tylenol or ibuprofen, you'll know something's hurting them.

 

I wrote an almost identical post a couple of months ago. But then my boys started to develop a bit of language and that helps a lot. Also, I just gave into the fact that they need me right there playing with them a lot of the time. I fold my laundry, etc. after they're in bed - I can't get anything done during the day and I'm okay with that. Also, I invite people over for coffee and we visit friends a couple of times a week. That helps a lot. The boys like to interact with people other than me. Don't worry - it feels awful and never-ending but it's just a phase. I recommend putting away 1/2 their toys and rotating every week to keep things new and interesting - that also helps. I used to think my boys would have been happier as singletons too, but lately they have become loving friends and it's great to see. You'll get there!

 

I cried reading your post because I got on to post the same thing. Yours was top on the list when I logged on and I swear it was a sign from God. I am listening to them scream themselves to sleep (as they do almost every night) right now. I try to make sure they are never overtired and am so stringent with TRYING to make them take naps and go to bed at a decent time but they won't sleep anymore ... it is like they are just wired all day and then overtired at night. I have heard it is the age and it is a phase ... and mine have colds and are cutting molars ... and I have a cold, too ... and I just feel like I am about to explode ... it does NOT help when my husband gets home if he is home late (which is almost always b/c he is a medical fellow and the hospital owns him right now) b/c by then they are just ticked off at the world and tired and afraid that I will leave them. It doesn't seem to matter if they have done one nap or two or if I put them down at 7, 8, 8:30 ... no matter what, they cry. When he came in tonight to the nursery when he got home, I was rocking and reading to them before bedtime and they both screamed bloody murder when they saw him. They have started waking at night the past few nights and they do the same if he goes in to help me. So, I just end up rocking one while the other looks at me and screams, then put her down, rock the other, put her down, rock the other until they are both alseep ... I am a big believer in CIO but not now that they are sick and cutting molars. It hurts his feelings as he is a great and loving (if absent sometimes) Dad and it stresses me to no end to know that I am the only one who can ease their angst. Speaking of, she has been screaming top of her lungs for 20 minutes ... maybe I will go in now and make sure she didn't drop the blankie ... AHHHH! Sorry to hijack your post and I may pm you b/c it sounds like we are going through the same thing right now.

 

Traci- My name is Meredith, so I have to say "Nice choice of name there dude!"

And HOLY CRAPOLLA.... You just described an hour in the life of ME! I scream at the top of my lungs on a regular basis. I pound my hand as hard as I can against the wall and scream "J*SUS, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!" on a regular.

You are TOTALLY not alone. When I come to this site, I have to admit that 98% or maybe even 99.9% of the time it makes me feel like I am the ONLY one who EVER has problems with my kids. It always *seems* that everyone is just sailing through Motherhood with a flower in their hair and wanting more kids and I'm just sitting here with the gun cocked about to fire.

Right now: it's 7:08 am. They've been awake for LESS THAN AN HOUR and I've already had to crib them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are screaming at the TOP of their lungs right now and my heart is going mach 10 and I'm just thinking... ELEVEN MORE HOURS OF THIS!!! And then repeat the next day and the next and the next.. It just feels awful to know this.

All they do is cry, whine, yell, complain, fight, scratch each other to the pt where it looks like Freddy Krueger got them and what can I do? NOTHING!

I thought the newborn stage was bad. It was. I thought 9 months was pretty bad. It was. But this: ONE YEAR OLD--- getting molars---- etc--- takes home the gold. This has been HORRIBLE. It is indescribable to the casual observer and the people who are sailing through it. It can only be understood by people who are suffering. We speak our own language.

Anyway, YES. I hate the entire day now. I didn't used to feel this way but I do now.

NEVER will I have anymore kids. EVER! I'm to the pt now where when I hear someone is pregnant I just think "by the grace of God, go I."

Yes, that's how bad it is right now!

I'm going to PM you Traci. Just so you know I'm out here!!

 

Oh, boy. We have days like that. It's tough, because I can't help but automatically compare my little ones to my older DD -- and I swear, she was some sort of angel toddler. (Of course, she had my undivided attention, and she had no one to fight with.) So, this behavior is all new to me.

I usually go through a mental checklist.

1) Hunger? Throw them in highchairs and provide cheerios or cheese.

2) Thirst? Straw cups of ice water to carry around, which is a treat, because I hate puddles all over my house.

3) Teething? (Seems they're ALWAYS teething.) Motrin or Tylenol if I feel it's warranted. Sometimes I try a homeopathic teething med or refrigerated teething rings first. (Of course, that ends in a screaming match over who gets which teething ring.)

4) Tired? This is rarely the issue as we're on a good nap schedule. Nadia goes to bed at 8pm, and the little ones not until 9:30pm, but I've been known to start their bedtime routine immediately after big sis is down, if they're just being monsters. I've also put them down for nap at 1pm, an entire hour early, if they need it.


It's interesting, because Kevan is not as good a sleeper, and will sometimes wake disoriented at night and need a lot of soothing. Karina *never* does this. But Karina deals with more separation anxiety and is just more high-strung during the day, and will often follow me around screeching for no reason. If I pick her up, she's unhappy. If I put her down, she's unhappy.

The solution to this is to put her in the high chair in a "time out" -- seriously, not as a punishment, but because she actually calms down there. She sits and sucks her thumb, and recollects her thoughts, or whatever. Kevan is then free to roam and play with all the toys unperturbed, LOL.

We have a Super Yard set up around the corner in the front hall, and I've been known to put one baby in there, with some coveted toys, because they often just need some space from each other. (Okay, Chicago blaring in my head...."Everbody needs a little time away...")

When all else fails, I put on a Signing Time or the Baby Babble video, and it distracts them enough that they forget to fight.

Good luck! I sure hope it's a phase....

 

Oh yes, I remember that stage. Fortunately, it IS just a stage, so you guys will get through this. You will. Every baby's different, but here's some suggestions that worked for me. Like, Becca, I did the mental checklist. First, hunger? Surprisingly, my girls accepted food a lot of the time and calmed down. Then, teething? Hylands Teething Tablets were my best friend. I didn't resort to Motrin much, but every once in a while it helped. Third, boredom? This was usually the case in my house, so I started a list of things we could do to break the cycle. Signing Times DVDs were great, as were trips up to mom's room to pull books off the bookshelf, trips outside to paint the house, 15 minutes in the pantry taking everything off the shelves, etc. These are all things we didn't do on a regular basis until my girls hit that whiny/unhappy/clingy/needy phase. I also took about half of their toys away and found that they were happier to play with what was left. It was almost like they had too much to concentrate so if I simplified the environment they could focus. None of this is a magic pill, but hopefully at least one of my ideas will give you 10 -15 minutes of peace! Good luck, and hang in there...

 

We're going through the same thing here too! When I can't take it anymore, I strap them into the car and head to Target/Walmart/the park. If they are distracted, they seem to be happier. They love going everywhere and love the car so I'm lucky that way. I am going to dig out my Healthy Sleep Habits book (though I hated it months ago, so I'm not hopeful). I'm also going to try teaching some baby sign in hopes that they are able to communicate a little more. Lots of hugs and thank you for making us all feel like we don't have demon children just normal ones!

 

My boys can have their moments, too often. I have to say, I got a membership to the YMCA and I take them to the child watch every day, religiously. They love it and I get my break. I blow off some steam and gain a new, fresh perspective to tackle the rest of the day. The change of scenery usually does wonders for the boys as well.

Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend if she were going through this same scenerio! You would tell her that she is an amazing, attentive mom who loves her children so much. Don't be hard on yourself or doubt yourself, because you are doing NOTHING wrong!

 

I wish we all lived near each other so we could meet over drinks & commiserate together in person .

As much as I hate that others are going through this, it's amazing to see that it's happening to so many at this age group. Makes me feel like I'm not a failure as a parent & that there may be hope for us afterall!

Today they went to daycare while I slept (I worked all night last night) & it was refreshing. I looked forward to seeing them when I picked them up & have had a lot more patience dealing with them after being away for about 20 hours.

I love the idea of a gym membership & may look into it. It's not like I look like a supermodel, so a gym couldn't hurt, right ? I have a lot of friends who swear by it, so I'll look. I'm just not sure we can afford the membership...our daycare is more than our mortgage per month & it's only part time!

As for some comments from the previous posters, we're trying to teach them the sign for "help", "up/down", & "please". We also re-iterate it EVERY time they want up or down. I MAKE them sign it (by taking their hands) any time I allow them up or down or to help them with whatever they're freaking out over. It hasn't sunk in yet, but they do totally undestand what it means. If they're whining to get up on a chair across the room, I'll sign "help" & they'll stop whining and smile. Now if only THEY'D do it!

I also rotate toys every few weeks. I try car rides, which only temporarily work. I love going to the store, but they don't tolerate the stroller long. They throw any toy I give them & then cry for them (which makes me crazy). I'm not brave enough to take them to a park or a play place thing by myself (especially since Aiden runs & Conner barely toddles---he usually crawls, so they're 2 totally different skill levels). I've tried movies, but maybe I'll get the Signing Times or whatever everyone else is recommending. I offer small snacks (temporary fix), they always have water sippies available, & I try to treat teething symptoms if I feel that's the issue (teething tablets & orajel...I try to avoid Ibuprofen unless I KNOW they need it b/c I had too much Tylenol as a kid & it doesn't work at all for me anymore). Aiden, however, had 2 molars come through before these behaviors started, so I don't think it's teething in his case, but I do know Conner is teething. I stay consistent in discipline (although now I've added that they have to give a kiss for sorry until they can SAY sorry too---I do make them sign it, but they haven't done it themselves yet). I try to 'mix things up' during the day for boredom issues & would LOVE to do outside time but our yard & our weather aren't very conducive for that at this age. I have discovered that they love coloring with markers, so we do that for a few minutes until they're 'done' with it (tried finger painting & that was a disaster).

So, thank you again for the multitude of suggestions & replies back. Reading them has really made me feel better (but, like I said, I don't like to think of others going through this). You ladies have been a huge support system for me & your replies have meant the world to me. Thanks thanks thanks!

 

Then you are in good copmpany. My two also fight all the time and whine about everything. I have learned to ignore the whining if it is about "nothing" they are now finally getting the picture... well sort of

 

QUOTE(Michelle B @ Oct 9 2008, 03:57 PM) [snapback]1019590[/snapback]
My boys can have their moments, too often. I have to say, I got a membership to the YMCA and I take them to the child watch every day, religiously. They love it and I get my break. I blow off some steam and gain a new, fresh perspective to tackle the rest of the day. The change of scenery usually does wonders for the boys as well.


This is SUCH agreat idea! I did it and OMG it was the best, most relaxing 2 hours of my day... and it helped me to get back in shape... not too many people are there during the day either... do it... it's worth every penny... i would drop off all 3 and jam to my music and relax my mind... it was great... now i work again, but oh do i miss those days