Quitting activity because her twin is better at it

Amy was taking gymnastics all spring while Sarah did soccer. Sarah loves soccer, but she likes gymnastics a lot too, and was looking forward to doing it when soccer season was over.

However, Amy just moved up from the regular class to the pre-team, and Sarah now says she doesn't want to do it after all. It's partly because she would be "alone" (though there will be other kids she knows at least slightly), but I think it's mostly because Amy is now so far ahead that Sarah will never catch up.

Should I just let Sarah quit? If she doesn't want to feel like she's competing with Amy (which isn't a fun position to be in -- Amy is VERY competitive), I understand and want to respect that. And I'm happy for her to focus on soccer if that's really what she wants. But I feel sad for her, because I know she really likes gymnastics.

She is signed up for the class but we can still cancel with no penalty because it hasn't started yet.

What would you do?

 

That is a tough one!! My girls struggle with that and they are 5 years apart. Is there a way (although it would be a pain in the butt I am sure) to take them on different nights? Maybe give her a chance, if she makes new friends and doesn't have to "watch" her sister doing new skills/routines she will be more likely to try something new. I know for McKenna, even though they are 6 levels apart from each other, she LOVES to go to the gym when Josie isn't there. She doesn't have to compete being "Josie's little sister". I really think it would be much harder with the same age, but give her a chance. She may surprise you and herself!

 

They actually would be doing it on different days anyway. Amy's new class is on Tuesday and Thursday evenings; Sarah's would be Saturday mornings. I'm sure she would enjoy the actual class, but the problem is that Amy does gymnastics all over the house and yard (and the playground at school), so the comparison is right in Sarah's face.

And Amy provokes her -- sometimes she is really mean and tells Sarah her cartwheels stink (we're working on that behavior... <_< ), but even when she's being "nice," she tries to be Sarah's teacher, which Sarah hates almost as much.

I can totally understand why Sarah wants to focus on something Amy's not interested in. I just hate to see her give up something she likes.

 

Aw that stinks!! My girls do the same to each other, and Kenna hates when Josie corrects her. Hope you find something that works out!! Hopefully as she takes classes and picks up more stuff she will gain more confidence and get better, or maybe get her into cheerleading so its similar but she will learn new stuff too?

 

Does your town have a nother soccer season? In some places there were ways to play soccer year round. Spring and fall regular seasons, indoor in the winter, and skills camps in the summer.

I think it's fine if she wants to focus on something different. I struggle to convience my girls that they don't have to do everything together. :unknw:

But before the final decision is made, you might sit down and talk to her about what skills she will get out of gymnastics and just talk about it as a fun activity. Staying flexible and learning poise and agility will acutally help her to become a better soccer player as well. She might even learn to do a "chilena" some day based on her gymnastics training!

 

Hi: I think the book "Siblings Without Rivalry" has some words of wisdom on this issue (but I note that the whole twin dynamic really exacerbates the sibling competition issue.) I check this book out from our local library every so often -- I should just invest in it!

I really don't remember what the book says, only that it addresses this very issue. I think it may have suggested that there is a life lesson in encouraging siblings to pursue the same or different areas of interest based on what is enjoyable and what is fulfilling (i.e., not whether her cartwheel looks good, but how she feels when she is doing the cartwheel).

Note: We have a similar issue at our house given that our twins have very different reading levels -- the stronger reader was really squelching the confidence of the weaker reader (sometimes on purpose, but sometimes inadvertently by trying to "help"). We had to strictly separate them for reading both in terms of time and location (which was a royal pain) and encourage their different styles/strengths. It's not perfect, but it is much better (but, of course, there isn't really a choice about reading, like there is with an activity like gymnastics.....)

Good luck with this!

Meg

 

Timothy can get just plain, old rude about things sometimes. I didn't step in soon enough on bowling and now my Sarah won't bowl if Timothy's bowling. It's been 3 years since the initial incidents, but she still won't do it unless it's a really special occasion. We do Kids Bowl Free in the summers and I should have done something drastic earlier.

The position I've had to take with my kids is that if they get too competitive, bossy, or whatever about something, they will be the one dropping the activity. The other will get to keep doing it. Timothy can get domineering and bossy with Sarah about things like a new wii game. In those situations, he has lost the privilege to play that game while Sarah gets to play that game. Things have gotten much, much better. For my Timothy, if I'm not drastic the first time, he'll keep pushing till I get drastic with him. He wants to know where the exact boundaries are.

It sounds like Amy's behaviour towards her sister is the bigger problem. I would start thinking of ways to nip that. And if it meant sitting out of gymnastics a month, I would do it. A month of sitting out gymnastics might be a valuable life lesson in how to treat her sister that will endure much longer than that month. I would also have her explain to her coach why she has to sit out. Timothy hates being wrong and having to admit to an authority figure that he was wrong and has to take a punishment. It goes an extremely long way for him. I know it's harsh, but Sarah needs to see that she is worth standing up for.

And if Sarah really enjoys soccer, let her play.

Marissa

 

I've been reading this thread avidly because I'm starting to see beginnings of this with my two. I love your advice Marissa.

 

I love your advice marissa!

 

I think Marissa has great advice!

at their age, I would probably "encourage" her to go ahead and finish her commitment to gymnastics. even though you can cancel without penalty. it will teach her to follow through even when things are difficult and maybe when she gets back into it she will come into her own and remember how much she loves it.

good luck!

 

Update -- I let her quit. She was very insistent on it. Of course, yesterday evening they were both doing cartwheels in the backyard and Sarah said she wants to take gymnastics again. It's too late for this session, but I'm glad she is willing to jump back into it (if we can manage it -- the nice thing about the summer class was that it didn't conflict with soccer!). I'm sort of feeling like we shouldn't have let her quit, but oh well, she made her decision. That's a valuable lesson for her too.

I've read this book a few times too (I finally bought a copy), but on this subject, it's more from the opposite angle -- that kids should be allowed to pursue an activity even if the sibling is better at it. For example, don't decide that only the musically talented kid gets the piano lessons and only the more athletic child does a sport. Although that's great advice, I wasn't sure how to apply it to this exact situation....

This is a great point, and one that we need to pay attention to. But in this case I think it would be too drastic for us, especially since Amy has her own self-esteem issues (which is partly why she can be so mean to Sarah sometimes). She's actually in counseling for it already, and her counselor was thrilled that she got invited to be on the pre-team, because it's such a boost for her confidence.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback! These emotional issues just keep getting more complicated....