Teachers/Other parents disciplining your kids

Do you mind if other people discipline your kids? Under what circumstance is it ok? Not ok?

 

If I don't see something and someone else does (like at the playground), I'm fine with it. If its not something I discipline AND I'm standing right there watching and someone steps in, I have a problem with that. If its a class I leave the discipline up to the teacher. but if s/he doesn't, I will say something to my girls after class about the behavior I expect (this happened in dance class with a very sweet, very young teacher.. Oh my girls apologized for not listening, but after class ended).

 

Ditto leighann. I leave preschool and daycare up to the teachers. At my sisters we have mostly the same rules but if one of my kids does something she doesn't approve she can out them in time out. My thought is who's ever house (or classroom) their rules. I might disagree but it's not harming my boys. Now just flat out picking on my kids disciplining them for barely anything I have a problem with but luckily so far we've not had to deal with that

 

I don't mind it at all. At school I expect the teacher to discipline my child if they break a rule. Around family and friends, my feelings are if they see something then please feel free to correct my child. This doesn't mean to spank my kid, but if they need a time out for doing something then that is ok. Most of my friends and family are on the same page about our rules and expectations.

 

I agree with everyone else.

 

I had no problem with correction coming from another adult watching my children. I just wanted them to honor our type of discipline. I would not allow them to yell at or belittle my children. When my children were younger I had spanked but I would not allow someone else to spank my children either. I might have allowed my mother to if she were alive but no one else. The only time anyone ever bothered me when they corrected my children as when they were not being (IMO) fair. Do not allow your child to be a monster and then correct mine for a minor mis step

 

At school, I leave it to whatever system the teacher has set up. At a playgroup or a friends house, I don't mind other parents verbally correcting/redirecting my children but I don't think I would be comfortable with them putting my kids in a time out. If the behavior is that bad, I would hope they would come & find me (if I wasn't aware of what was going on).

 

I agree with this. If my child is going the wrong way up a slide, then by all means verbally correct them. If he/she is pushing and shoving, come find me and I will deal with them, and I promise you my kids don't want Mommy to have to come deal with anything at a playdate.

 

I feel the same way; I want the kids to hear the rules enforced by everyone, not just crazy arbitrary mommy. I did have to bite my tongue really hard when a parent got gruff with the rowdy kids at playgroup one day, but in general I don't mind at all when people catch my boys out. Obviously if I am around, I will do the big stuff.

The reason that I ask is that the boys' gymnastics class one of the instructors won't discipline the kids. I know part of this is safety; she can't attend to one out of control kid (not mine for once!) while she has 5 others on a trampoline or whatever. So she takes whoever is being disruptive out of class for the parent to deal with. The way it is presented, and the way that there are all the helicopter moms watching her every move, I kind of wonder if some of the parents have complained about their kids getting in trouble. For me, I expect discipline to be part of any kind of educational process. Once I am comfortable with the instructors and the boys are settled in a class, I disappear and let them handle the situation as they see fit.

The boys' swimming instructor also asked me if it was ok to discipline them when they were getting rowdy today, I think more by way of explanation as I was sitting 10 feet away from the pool. But again, isn't it sort of a no-brainer that discipline happens when they're not being safe and they're being disruptive? I guess I was just surprised that any instructor would even ask.

It is quite possible that I am a very lazy parent who just wants to be left alone for an hour while they are busy getting heck from someone else for a change too .

 

I agree with Jenn and missBossy, but only if the correction is gentle. Don't you dare yell at my kid!!!

 

Absolutely I do,the only people that should discipline my kids. Are grandparents if they are staying with them,and my best friend if they are staying with her. And only those people b/c I know that they will only talk to them. And I also know that my boys will behave and not need discipling of any kind while away. Now if a teacher did NO that is not aloud. They can have them sit down and they can call me. We have had issues at there school (we homeschool now) with past teachers and the principal saying things to the boys that were inapproirate. And saying things we just don't say to them. So from here on out and the boys know this but they also know if they do get in trouble at school and they had better not. That the teacher will have them sit down and call me. But as far as other parents there is no reason that they would ever need to do that. I don't ever just leave my kids somewhere.

 

now there taekwondo insturdor does do his discipline. The boys are well aware at this point (green with strip) and age 10 1/2 so its not as if they are tiny and can't comply with what is expected of them. It may be laps of course if they are getting way worn out he stops. It may be kicks or punches etc. My boys even when they were young have always been told what they were expect to do. And I ment what I told them,at 3 they were to sit in chairs with no toys and this and that and not be yelling and screaming while I was talking and so on. Many said You are hard on them. But in the same breathe they also said your kids are great I wish they all acted this way when they came in here. I didn't allow them jacking around,or bringing toys in etc. I expected them to sit or stand quietly. I never expected other parents to mae my kids to mind, I really would find that offensive if someone said something. In play groups I really didn't pay much attention to the conversation. So that I could pay exact attention to what my boys were doing and those they were playing with them. By the way the teacher did admit that her and K just didn't get along and their personalities didn't mesh. So that is partly why the issues we had with discipline last year.

 

What Leighann said.
I tell my kids, when they are in school, the teachers are in charge and the teachers will discipline as they see fit. When they go to someone else's home (and I am not there or maybe I don't see it) it is that person's rule and they can discipline you as well. Usually though, if we are at another person's home and if my kids do something they shouldn't be, usually the other person tells me and I handle it.
If I am right there, I would rather the person tell me what they saw and let me handle it. If I am not there, then the person in charge has the right to discipline them but I do want to know about anything that they've had to be disciplined for, so we can talk about it.

 

I think my kids react better/listen better when someone else corrects them.

 

I'm generally speaking, on my kids --- when we are out in public, be it a friends house, playground, play area, etc. My eyes are always on my kids and I correct them immediately if need be. I our circle of friends, my friends can correct my kids. I've done it to some of their kids. As for school, extracurricular activities-that's fine by me if the teachers/instructors deal with them. Then, we will talk about the said behavior and why it was wrong, etc...

What I *don't* like, is people reprimanding my kids for being...kids. Mainly this is SIL's fiancé. His nephew is a free for all. The kid lost his father as an infant, so now he has 265214 fathers/parents and the kid just doesn't listen. They are on him like crazy. It's maddening. Enter my kids and if they are too loud( three of them!), he starts up with them. Gets me every time. I chuckle a little bit because I'm like...just you wait! Ha! But that-really gets me every time!

 

^^ this

kids need to know rules are important and that different rules apply in different situations. IMO, correction for young kids is more effective when done in the moment. I wouldn't leave my kids with someone i didn't trust to be fair and use good judgement. I think it is a shame that adults in authority positions don't feel they have the right to discipline. In the end, i think we will pay for this as a society.

 

This gets me too; I have a very close friend who doesn't have kids and while she's great with kids, she gets on their case about weird stuff. For example, we were at a restaurant with epically bad service and the kids were great until they started getting ansty because everything was so slow. My friend got really worked up that the kids were playing musical chairs, but I was allowing it because I knew if I tried to impose order there would be more chaos. I know for a fact that I felt the same way she did before I had kids, so I understand where she's coming from. I think it just lacks the knowledge that things can get so much worse! :lol:

 

I totally agree with this.

 

I am a believer in "it takes a village", and I don't have an issue with someone disciplining my kids when they do something. The only time I am quick to intervene is around DH's sister and his family when her son is involved. He is very quick to say "Jon pushed me", but doesn't say that Jon did that because he had been hitting his sister, and they had been telling him to stop, so Jon finally pushed him off his sister! Evidently, he can do no wrong, and everyone else gets in trouble. So, I make it a practice to find out the whole story before saying anything. He magically doesn't get pushed or anything when an adult is around to witness

I have actually told Jonathan's teacher to be tougher on him. Jonathan is great when he has a black and white line, but not so good if you have a grey area. And like others, mine tend to listen better to others

 

By "discipline" I am thinking of a verbal reprimand, reminder or redirection.

For the most part, my kids are great kids. They listen to me really well, most of the time. They make good choices, most of the time. They know that when I give them a direction of any sort, I mean it. They know what our house rules are and what behavior is acceptable in our home and out. But they're kids and sometimes act like kids. I cannot imagine telling their teacher they are not allowed to discipline them when they are not following the rules. My kids go to their friends house to play and I do not go with them. If my kids make a bad choice at their friends house, the parent is allowed to reprimand them or tell them to change their behavior/choices. Likewise for Sunday School, sports or piano lessons. I would hope that anytime that type of situation would occur, the other parent or teacher would let me know so we can also deal with it at home.

I cannot imagine any of my three making a choice that would require more than a verbal reprimand, reminder or redirection (at least not at school or someone elses home!), but if they did, I would expect the adult in the situation to call me, or come get me, and allow me to deal with my child myself. I would have a problem with any adult spanking my child or verbally berating them. But I don't think any of the adults my children have relationships with would react that way anyway.

 

I expect teachers/instructors to discipline. To me that's part of their role.

And I'm also of the mindset that it takes a village. There are a few people that more strict than I would be and some that are less. I'm okay with that. They learn what to expect from certain people and in certain places. They learn to adapt and I think that's good for them.

 

^^I should have added that as well. I completely agree!

 

I will say that at Cub Scouts they expected the parents to stay in the room with the children to discipline them as needed. The scout leaders did not want to have to be punishers. That said, there were more than a few times I bit my tongue because a few of them were regular hellions.

I can also see the reasoning in a gymnastics (or similar) class for bringing the kid to mom (also how my gym handles it for the regular classes, team is different). From across the room a coach making Johnny sit out a few turns might look bad if the parent missed the fact that Johnny was misbehaving in the first place. I know that the coaches give several verbal warnings before they remove a child from class.

 

Bingo.

I feel it's important for us to back up the authority figure above anything else. Undermining the authority figure is NOT a good practice and I see it ALL of the time and I just think to myself.. "What are you doing??!" For example, if someone's kid is kicking my dog in the face and I say "You are NOT allowed to kick dogs in the face!" and his mom quickly snaps back at ME in kid's defense.. "Well, he's tired and he thought he was going to bite him."

It's things like this that drive me nuts. And I see it soo often, it's scary!!

I always support the authority figure unless it's something completely ridiculous in which case I STILL wouldn't openly undermine the person.

If my child is doing something wrong I want to know about it and I want him to stop.

 

I wonder if these instructors are just afraid of being accused of abuse or something like that. I mean if parents are right there watching she or he could be just being very cautious. They could have been accused of embarrassing a child or of over reacting to a certain action and they are just over it. They could also just want the parent to deal with it because discipline has in the past taken time away from the class that is squeezed into a short time and expensive.

 

I agree with everyone above, just wanted to clarify my comment that I'm fine with other people disciplining my kids in an appropriate way, if I'm NOT RIGHT THERE. I'm not ok with people trying to discipline my kids when I'm there or discipline in an inappropriate or excessive way, and I'm never ok with yelling (my right only )

 

I'm the oddball. If someone sees my kid acting out they need to come tell me and I will handle it. I do not want anyone correcting my kids if I am there. Of course, in school or with a babysitter then yes, someone better correct them!

 

It depends...situations with teachers etc. are usually fine, I feel the girls need to listen to adults that are authority figures anyways. Same with if they are being watched/babysat, they need to listen and if they are doing something wrong I don't mind them being corrected. No yelling or things like that though, it's important the way the discipline is delivered. I do feel there is a limit too though. There is an indoor playground we take them to and granted they do have rules like no running etc. Awhile back the supervisor there was a complete witch (don't ask why she had a job working with children) and she was mean and really seemed to relish snapping at the kids every 2 seconds and telling them "Don't do this! Stop doing that!" I mean it's a playground for crying out loud and a lot of the kids are only a couple years old. She got the nickname of the Playground Nazi. Thankfully she isn't there anymore.

 

^^YES.
One thing i really hate is a child who informs an adult they do not have the right to correct them.

I may not agree with how something was handled but i would not tell that to my child. I would take action to insure it doesn't happen again... discuss with the adult or remove the child from the class.
One undeserved punishment never did lasting damage to a child but believing they have the right to question authority sets up them up for an attitude that will not serve them well in the future.