Have your little ones seen you cry?

Hi Mommies,

My twin boys will turn 4 on April 3 and they already started going to school. As I work from home full time, and handle the kids when they come back from school, it happened 2 times that I cried in front of them when I tell them to calm down and they don't...this seems to have affected one of my son, who tells me "don't cry mum dad will come soon, don't cry" when my DH is still at work. The other day, when DH took the kids out and I was home because I had some work to finish, my son told me: "don't cry mum, don't cry...", even today before going to school he said dad is going to work, mum will stay home, "don't cry mum, turn on the TV", I replied to him smiling "No dear, I am happy, I am always happy".
This issue is driving me CRAZYYYYYYY.I feel sooooooo bad to breaking down in front of my twins. Life is full of dualities, sometimes we laugh and other times we might cry, but obviously this has greatly affected one of my son. How to remedy that? H.E.L.P I don't want my son to worry and feel insecure because of that.

Thanks in advance for your input.

 

Sure, they've seen me cry. And that's ok. I don't want them to think that moms (or anyone) have to be happy all the time. We never tell the kids not to cry, and I try to make a point of telling them that it's ok to be sad/upset/frustrated/angry/whatever. As long as it's not crying + neglect, or crying + abusive, erratic behavior, which you're certainly not doing, it's ok for them to see your feelings. It may help to just talk about what you're feeling in ways they can understand. Like in your case, maybe telling them that you were crying because you were tired and frustrated, just the way they do sometimes. Also never hurts to remind them that you love them all the time, no matter what, tears included.

 

Absolutely agree with this.
My two have seen me cry on many occasions, especially after my Dad passed away and one of our cats passed away. I just always tell them that sometimes Mommy gets sad and has to cry too and it's not them that makes me sad, just different situations.

 

Bearenstein Bears and Too Much Pressure talks about parents crying. I'm a crier so yes they've seen it. The last time it happened I was reasonably pleased that they were very empathetic- I don't normally see that side of my rough little guys.

 

Oh, yes! And they'll see me cry again, I am sure. I agree with Holly- it's important that they understand that all of our emotions are normal and healthy. Heck, THEY cry all the time, why not a little bit from mommy?

 

Yes my kids have seen me cry. They are sometimes confused, but I just tell them that Mommy is sad. They usually then give me a hug and tell me it will be okay. I think it is important for them to understand the range of emotions and realize that we all have feelings.

 

My kids are 2 and sometimes when they are really bad and I feel I've had enough I break down and start crying in front if them. This happened maybe like 4 times. What they do is stop their bad behavior and hug me and ask me not to cry. It's the sweetest thing. So after I explain to them that when the girls are bad mommy is sad and she cries. Etc. it helps a bit with their behavior lol but I def don't want them to see me crying all the time. It happened a few times when I really didn't know what to do anymore

 

I'm not a big cryer, except for sappy movies or occasionally when I'm pregnant and hormonal. So mine haven't seen me do it very often. But I think it's ok if they do. I remember when Trey was about 2 1/2 and was a little Houdini. He got out of the house while I was getting a shower. When I came out and realized it, I panicked! I found him out in the front yard, but I was a wreck. He just didn't seem to know what to do with me crying. It had a huge impact on him, much more than if I'd yelled or spanked him, I think. I imagine my other kids have all seen me cry for something other than a movie, but I can't think of specifics... and actually, I'm not sure Spencer has.

But I totally agree that it's a healthy thing for kids to see adults having the full range of emotions. I just don't happen to cry much.

 

I think it is very healthy for your kids to see you cry. They need to know that emotions are okay and that it is safe and normal to show how you feel.

Personally, I don't think i would tell them you are crying because of them. To me it just seems like a big burden for a little kid. I think i would say something like... Mom is really frustrated right now, work stuff is hard and I need you to help me out. Can you be REALLY good so i can finish my work and then we can all do something fun. Maybe then you can help cheer me up.

That would make them the solution to the sadness rather than the cause of it! And demonstrate how when you get discouraged everyone chips in and does their part and then it is better.

 

I agree with everyone else - it's normal & healthy & good for your kids to see a full range of emotions. I also think it's a great opportunity to model positive ways of coping with strong emotion. For example, when I feel myself about to blow my stack I put myself in time out and I explain why to my girls (often loudly) "I am really really angry right now!! I'm going to my room by myself for a little while till I calm down!!! I'm so angry!" And then I go. And deep breathe or whatever. I think you could do something similar with crying "I'm so frustrated right now!! When I'm frustrated, sometimes I cry. I'm going to cry until I don't need to anymore." (Or whatever narration is most comfortable to you)

I would also hesitate to say that the emotion is your child's fault. For me, no one can *make you* feel anything. Each person is responsible for their own feelings. I feel very strongly about teaching that to my children so am careful to describe feelings with "I" statements.

 

Hi Mums,

Thank you sooooooooo much for your replies. I no longer feel that bad. It's normal to cry in tough times, yet I think it's better to avoid that to small kids, maybe I should have retreated to my room. Seeing my small son worrying about how mum feels and wanting to make her avoid crying is not a healthy way to raise a kid I guess. I now try to exercise prior to them getting back from school so that I feel less stressful and devote my whole afternoon to making colouring activities with them, rather than to my freelance work, with them watching TV.

I will try to express my feelings to them, maybe helping them express their feelings accordingly as they tend to be rather aggressive with one another when they disagree.

Thanks you so much again for sharing your experience that really helped a lot.

 

Yes my kids have seen me cry. I don't think it's really a bad thing...everyone gets sad/frustrated etc. and needs to let it out at times. In counseling I learned that we are always trying to shelter kids from things and worry about how they will handle it but things like this aren't bad and that they show kids it is ok to be upset and cry about things sometimes and also that mom and dad are human and have the same feelings as they do.

 

My boys have seen me cry. I'm OK with it. It's good they practice empathy and sympathy towards other people and it's a great opportunity to learn. Of course, I don't purposely cry in front of them, but it happens. I may be an adult, but it's OK to cry. It's an important lesson for them to experience. I cry when it's appropriate. I don't cry when I spill my drink, or DH has something I want to use, or if I don't get my way. I cry when I'm sad about something or I'm really hurt (such as a car door slamming on my knee. OUCH!! That knee was already hurting me from a possible torn meniscus I had ignored form years ago). To see their parents cry comforts them a little to know it's normal to cry under certain situations and how to not cry during others. Crying has nothing to do with being weak, being babyish, or being a sissy. Crying isn't only for girls either. It's for anyone that needs to let out some strong emotions such as fear, pain, sadness. Crying can express happiness. DH doesn't cry much. He's not hiding it from them, he just doesn't cry over much. He has cried, but he hasn't had to in front of them. I'm hoping if the time ever comes, he won't hide it from them. I'm happy he hasn't had to cry though.