Need advice on dealing with a holder!

Background: my twins are almost 3 1/2, tried the 3-day method a few months ago and it was a big giant fail because they weren't willing/ready.
We started potty training 2.0 with my daughter this week. She has been resistant in the past and actually agreed to put undies on/sit on the potty, so we decided to run with it. The first day went great. She went a few times, had no accidents, and was all excited about her sticker chart. The second day was ok, but she definitely seemed less excited and it took her a little more coaxing to agree to go sit on the potty. On the third day, she started holding pretty much all day. We would sit on the potty and she would say she couldn't do it. She spent ALL MORNING sitting on the potty with not a drop. So, we decided to stop the pull up at nap time since that seemed to be her escape. We put a potty chair in their room and right before she went to sleep for nap she did finally sit on it and pee a whole bunch. Yesterday, more holding. I refused to spend an entire day in the bathroom again so I told her we could try for a certain amount of time (3 books read) and then stop and try again a little later. She stayed dry through nap and finally had a dribble in her undies around 4 PM (so no pee from 9A-4P even though we were pumping her full of liquids) so I took her to the bathroom and after crying, carrying on, saying "I can't do it" she finally unloaded and darn near filled up the little bowl on the potty chair. Today they had gymnastics class and we were out and about all day. I decided I would ask her if she wants to go but not insist, thinking that the holding was a power struggle. Every time I asked her if she wanted to go/had to go she said no. Stayed dry ALL DAY but refused to sit on the potty. Then in the evening started asking my hubby if it was time to go put on PJ's yet because she knows she will get a pull up for overnight. He could tell she was getting squirmy but she flat refused to sit on the potty.

So, I don't know what to do. It's nice that she can stay dry for activities but holding all day is not healthy. I don't know why she is having difficulty and she can't seem to verbalize it. If it was poop I would understand because I know constipation can make kids hold, but pee doesn't make any sense to me. She is pooping regularly (saving that for the night pull up, but I figured I would tackle that after we got her peeing during the day.) I am afraid if I go back to pull ups/give her a break she will get what she wants since that is easier. She does not seem motivated by what other kids do, being a big girl (I even tried to play the "you're a big kid and your brother is not" game for motivation purposes), etc. She enjoys the sticker chart and gets excited to put stickers on it, but does not seem upset if she doesn't get a sticker. Same with candy or toy rewards. Do I take away the nighttime pull up and just let her figure it out on her own? I thought about some sort of incentive chart that requires pottying certain times of the day, but I just don't know what will work with her.

Anyone else have a kid who did this? Any advice on what might work with her? I have never met a kid afraid to pee and I am stumped!

 

My advice? Give her the control she wants to go at her own pace. Don't put her in diapers or pull ups during the day but stop with the extended periods in the bathroom, reminders, questions, etc. She is exerting control by holding it. You are never going to force her to go and this is a battle she will always win. You can set a timer that reminds her when to go but take yourself out of the equation. Also, stop giving her the choice to say no to going because that automatically turns into a battle of wills. Instead, tell them "hey we are going in the car, go to the bathroom and put your shoes on" or "it's lunch time, let's use the potty before we sit down". If she doesn't go and has an accident? Ok, she will learn from it. When you start to relax about this, it will make her more comfortable and less afraid to fail and she will start paying attention to the task of going to the bathroom, rather than not having an accident. Sorry if this sounds harsh but you are in the middle of one of the biggest power struggles there is when it comes to kids and there is no way for you to win without conceding.

I would not take away the night time pull up until you get days figured out.

 

I have a daughter who did damage to her bladder from holding. There were also other problems (like urinary reflux), but we're still working on getting her over-stretched bladder back down to size.

I would start re-phrasing. Instead of telling here "it's time to go potty", use "it's time to go try". My daughter, when she was very little, told me she didn't want to make me sad if she couldn't go so could I ask her to try instead. Somehow, that slight change of wording made all the difference to her.

The other thing I would do is just make pottying part of the routine. Before we went outside, I would go, Sarah would go, Timothy would go. Before we got in the car, all 3 of us would go. It just made it seem more normal to go. It helped Sarah because she finally started getting the point that everyone goes the bathroom.

Marissa

 

These are excellent suggestions. We also "try" to go potty (everyone, including mom and dad) before certain things happen, leave the house for any reason, go somewhere in the car, sit down for a meal, have a bath, etc. I never asked them to sit for long to try. If she can't go, don't make a big deal out of it. Just say "well done for trying" and move on.

 

Thanks everyone. I have always focused on the "try" part of it, even made it so they still get a sticker on their chart just for sitting on the potty. Yesterday I didn't say anything all day. She never asked to go to the potty and about 5 PM she came to me with her pants/undies soaked and asked to be changed. Today I tried to just use the routine "we're leaving for gymnastics, lets all sit on the potty, " "it's nap time, lets all sit on the potty." The first time she refused. The second time, she did sit on the potty for about 30 min and nothing happened so I told her we were done trying and she could try again after nap. While in there we read her potty book (she asks me to read this several times a day, which makes me think she wants to do this...) and I asked, "what do we do when we wake up dry?" and she responded "sit on the potty!" Fast forward 2 hours when she woke up, and she refused. So frustrating! It seems as though even bringing up the potty causes her to start pouting, giving dirty looks, and acting out, but she still excitedly picks out her undies every morning. I really don't understand this kid. How long do I have to let it go and watch her hold all day before she finally starts asking to go? Do I stop talking about it all together? Do I come up with some sort of incentive system for not holding? Part of the problem is her brother is not trained and has no desire to sit on the potty, so the "lets all go to the potty" involves him and the 1 year old tearing apart the room while Zoe sits and she gets so distracted she never goes. Also, I work nights, and in the afternoons when I know she has to go it is right when I am leaving for work so she refuses to do any trying before dinner or before bed since my hubby is home alone with them, nor will she try when she wakes up in the AM.

Please, anyone else with any advice??? I would take 100 accidents but willingness to try over this!

 

This may be a totally weird idea, but it's possible that there's some sensory thing bothering her. Maybe she doesn't like the sound of pee hitting the potty chair, or the feel of it if a few drops splash up and hit her legs, or something like that.

 

My son was a holder. We tried PT-ing him and he started off well and then just stopped. He was put back in diapers, had a day where he held it for 12 hours and then would only go to the bathroom during nap and bedtime. That was when we PT-ed him and it finally took the second time around.

I do agree with Holly and wonder if it is a sensory thing. I am wondering if it would help to back off of the PT-ing with her for a bit and put her back in diapers & retry later?

 

I agree with may be taking away the big girl underwear for awhile and at least allowing her bladder to relax a bit. With our son we tried and he would do the same thing your daughter did finally we decided we were tired of fighting and just went back to diapers for awhile. We would still ask him if he wanted to go potty every now and again. Eventually he wanted to start going potty and kinda basically did it on his own. You can't force a child to potty train every book will tell you they will do it when they want to. And holding her pee all day is not good. I would talk to the pediatrition just to make sure that there is no bladder infection. Good luck to you!!! I know how frustrating and irriatating it can be.

 

This may sound weird but to train my brother my mom moved the potty into the living room and every time he needed to go potty he would get to watch tv. We had a movie called "the potty movie" and he would watch it while he tried to go. Maybe having her watch one of her favorite shows while she sits on the potty would help. We would leave him alone and just let him do his thing. I think it helped take off the pressure of us hanging over him ready a book waiting for him to go because he knew he could get up when the movie was over. After and week or 2 we moved the potty into the bathroom and he transition really well since he was already used to going.