I am completely and utterly out of my league

So I have 2 very easy going and easy to predict children who like to please so for the most part, they are easy to parent. Then I have Henry. I love Henry as much as I love his brothers but he is giving me a run for my money these days and I feel like a minor league player in a major league game. When Henry doesn't get what he wants, he makes life bad for everyone. Yesterday, I did pick up at daycare and the teacher said (and believe me, I am thinking of strangling her for it) "Why don't you ask your mommy to play with you?". Umm mommy wants to get the 10 minute process of getting everyone in the car and the 45 minute process of picking up big brother started so we can get home. Henry didn't get visibly upset when I told him it was time to leave but when I tried to put him in his carseat he threw the tantrum of all tantrums and would not stop kicking/thrashing/screaming long enough for me to get him buckled in. After 10 minutes, I finally convinced him he needed to be buckled or he wasn't coming in the car with us. Last night at bed, he decided he wasn't going to bed without the balloon he had been playing with (it was deflated and I didn't want him falling asleep with it in his mouth because he had been carrying it around that way) so he opened the gate on the door (yes, I know we just need to remove it) and protested by sitting quietly in the hallway (i left him and did laundry). If I tried to get him, he threw the rolling/kicking/hitting tantrum so I had to walk away. In the past month, Henry has also stripped at daycare in protest (I am not kidding) and thrown other knock down drag out tantrums. It all seems to stem from if something is not the way Henry thinks it should be (no lollipops for dinner, having to go to daycare, being told to share), he is going to explode.

I will take any and all advice on how to handle him because giving him choices and warnings does not seem to help him.

 

First thing, I'd stop making threats you can't go through (like the 'he will not come in the car with us'). Then, personally. I just ignore. DD had a huge tantrums after we put them in bed because she had been very difficult all day and got mad because hubby didn't give her a second hug (she got plenty of hugs). She screamed and screamed for probably 30 minutes and eventually fell asleep (and they still can't get out of their room). When she doesn't want to get in her seat, I used to hold her down and do it, now I just go in the front seat, turn some music on and whatnot and tell her we won't go anywhere until she's in her seat (which obviously sucks when you're in a rush).

Mostly though, I ignore. If it's really bad and we're at home, she goes to her room until she calms down. I did groceries one day with her screaming in the cart, oh well, what can you do (I've left before too but really didn't want to have to come back that day).

 

This is my son exactly. Except, luckily he never does it in public. I'm exhausted and out of ideas. We have an appointment with a child psychologist next friday, because I fear there may be some underlying issues. So I'll keep you posted if she has any good ideas when it comes to managing this behavior.

 

That sounds like my Liam. And he's sooooo stubborn. I swear sometimes when he's refusing to do something that I know why some parents beat their kids. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! But sometimes I get so angry and frustrated I just have to walk out. Warnings, bribery, time outs, spankings, distraction...none of that works.

He's pretty good and he's such a sweetheart, but if he gets tired, or just decides he doesn't want to do something, it can be terrible to deal with. :hug:

 

This is a long shot, but have his sleeping habits changed recently? I see a HUGE difference in my daughter when she tired vs not tired. When she's tired she's crazy. Also, maybe if you track it for a week or so, I know how hard it is to do that on top of everything else, but you may see a pattern. Maybe it has to do with being hungry, thirsty, tired, or just over stimulated. Again with my daughter, when she's hungry she's a pain in the butt, I honestly think she gets hypoglycemic, because as soon as she eats she becomes a different kid.

 

This is what I do.

When my boys were around 2 1/2, it got so bad that DS1 was evaluated by EI and was appointed a social worker. They were already receiving speech and developmental therapy so he was already in the system.

If I was speaking to ANY adult, he would start to scream and yell. Asking him to stop would only make things worse If things did not go his way, he would fall to the ground with a full blown tantrum.

When she was there and he threw something, she would tell him very calmly "I guess you don't want this anymore" and would put it away and would continue the session.

This worked for awhile until we were camping and he threw his sippy cup. I did exactly what she told me, took it away and put it in the car and he started running after me. With him behind me, I did not see him trip and fall into the fire pit. We had a fire the night before and there was still hot embers. He ended up having 2nd degree burns on his leg. I remember her asking me the following week what happened to his leg and I explained that I did exactly what you to me to do.

At 4 1/2 things are better, but he still has his moments. It's very rare he has a fall to the ground tantrum, but I've noticed for the past few months, he attitude has gotten really bad. He'll stick his tongue out at DH, tell me he does not want me around, and will call his brother stupid.

But other times he's just a joy to be around.

Every now and then my thoughts go to ten years from now and I :gah:

Edited to add that DS2's teacher started last week using "We'll do ______first, then we'll _________". I started doing the same at home and it has seemed to help understand his day and has made it a little easier around the house.

It's just funny because now he'll do his entire day when he wakes up:
"First I'll wake up, then I'll eat breakfast, then I'll watch PSB Kid's, then I'll have lunch, then I'll go to school, then I'll come home......" :rotflmbo:

 

I agree with one of PPS advice on trying to detect a pattern when the tantrums occur. My DD gets like this when she is tired, hungry oder just done with stimulation, having to function the way we adults want her to etc. which means that I have this scenario most days on the walk home from pre-school. I have been working hard to teach her to insert calm alone times into her day for breaks, "take a break and draw me a picture" or "take a break and do a puzzle"; some days it works.

My DD does not respond well to ignoring, for her it makes the tantrum worse. She needs help from me to deal with these powerful feelings. So when she is on the verge of a tantrum or in it, I will hold her fairly tightly (so she cannot hurt me or herself), even if she is not always keen on that, until I feel the tension leaving her body and then I can start comforting her and talking to her.