PLEASE, Help me!

I have twin boys that will be 8 months old in a few days. My husband is a railroad engineer so he works in all different areas and his schedule is very unpredictable. He is home for 8-12 hours at a time and gone for a minimum of 48 hours at a time. So he is home 2 sometimes 3 times a week for just that short while. He is on call so he can go to work at any time of the day or night. Basically, he only has enough time to unpack and re-pack his bags, sleep, then off to work again. He usually gets home in the middle of the night so we really do not see him much. Needless to say, I feel like a single parent. Now, my boys are absolutely a joy to be around. They laugh and smile all the time and are rarely fussy and never complain. They have been on a schedule since they were born and eat, go to bed, and usually wake up at the same time every single day. They have always been great sleepers. I could lay them down awake and they would put themselves to sleep and soothe themselves back to sleep if they awoke during the night. Here's the problem, nearly 2 months ago that all changed, literally, over night. They will no longer go to sleep on their own and if they wake up during the night they are awake for good. I never wanted to rock them to sleep bc I never wanted them to depend on it to fall asleep. But, now, that is simply the only way I can get them to sleep. When they first started to not go to sleep on their own I would give them their last bottle at 9pm as always and rock them to sleep holding both of them. That was not the way I intended to do things but that seemed the only way that worked and it was fairly easy. That lasted about a month until they decided to throw me a curve ball again. Now, they simply refuse to be rocked together or even held together. If I try to rock them at the same time they will scream and cry and jump, squirm, arch, kick, pinch, do anything to get away and I can not hold them down with one arm on each of them. They are just too big now. So, I have to rock them one at a time which means while I'm rocking one the other is either screaming and playing, or crying and throwing a fit bc I'm not holding him. Which, in turn, means he is keeping the one I'm rocking awake and making it to where he can't sleep. It is a battle every night and nap time to get them to both fall asleep and put them in their cribs without keeping each other up or waking one another up. Now, here lies my even bigger issue....Once I finally do get them to sleep they have started waking up about every 45mins-90mins. They use to sleep a full 9 hours and now I can not get them to stay asleep for the life of me. The moment one makes a noise, the other awakens instantly. When one cries, the other cries. If their dad gets home or leaves for work while they are asleep they wake up. I have tried letting them cry themselves back to sleep and they will cry for hours upon hours and never fall asleep. If I let them cry and cry not only does it break my heart and I'm in the other room crying just as hard, they will start to choke. They had major bad reflux when they were smaller and they choke very very easily still. Not only that, they will hurt themselves. They will sit up and bounce or get on their hands and knees and they cry so hard they will fall over and hit their heads on the crib. It's terrible, I have also tried running in there and getting them right as I hear them wake up in hopes that they will not wake the other and it never works. They wake each other instantly so then I have to start all the way over and take an hour each time to get them back to sleep only for them to sleep for an hour and do it all over again. I have tried putting them in separate rooms with fans going, music playing, anything and everything so that they wont hear one another and nothing has worked. There have been very few times where only one wakes up and luckily the other stays asleep but not 20 minutes after getting him back to sleep the other decides to wake up and its his turn. It goes the same way for naps. I am lucky if I can get them to take 2,20 minute naps a day. The longest I have slept in the past month has been 2 hours at a time. I am physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted and drained. I feel as though all 3 of us are extremely sleep deprived. Nap times have become such a headache I literally have to hold them down and force them to nap. I have tried just letting them stay awake until they were so tired I figured they'd have no choice but to nap and they just stayed awake the entire day. The less they sleep during the day, the more frequent they wake up at night and the more restless they are. Everything they have faced me with I have managed to work through it and figure it out. I can do everything they demand of me and daytime is a piece of cake. But, I feel as though I have run out of options as far as sleeping goes. I am at my wits end. I feel like I am losing my mind due to lack of sleep and I feel like an awful mother. I am so stressed, I am angry, frustrated, irritable, annoyed, and depressed! I feel so alone in this situation bc nobody that I know has any advice or can even begin to understand bc I do not know anyone that has multiples. I feel as though nobody takes my problem seriously bc they are such happy, healthy babies and are never fussy. PLEASE....help me!! Does anyone have any ideas as to why they are waking so often and will not take naps?? How do I keep them from waking one another up and what do I need to do when they do wake up?? How am I supposed to get them to sleep each night and for naps?? All tips, advice and personal stories are more than appreciated. I am absolutely desperate!!!

 

Hello and welcome to TS! First of all, a great big :hug: because you so obviously need it.


I really don't know what to suggest, I hope you will get some suggestions from someone who's been through it. If I think of anything, I will come back and update as I can't write for long now.

:hug: hang in there and I'm glad you found us - you're not alone, we're here

 

Do you think their reflux is acting up again? Maybe it's bugging them and they're fighting sleep because it hurts them? Are they still on medicine? Maybe the medicine or dosage needs to be changed?

 

at 8 months babies are learning so many things that their little minds have a hard time shutting off...could be any of a number of things

1. Teeth - try a bit of Tylenol or Motrin before bed - or teething tablets (they didn't work for mine but I know some have had much success)

2. Reflux rearing its ugly head...

3. Growth Spurt - around this time my son occasionally started taking a bottle again in the middle of the night - 4 oz and he'd fall right back to sleep

4. Ear ache - have their ears been checked lately?

not sure what else - but we've all been there, done that!

 

I meant to also say I'm really sorry you are going through this! I hope someone can help.

 

I hear your pain and feel it too. My guys have not been good sleepers and wake each other up at night. It is rough. Can you put them in separate rooms? We have a pack n play set up in our room so if one is sleeping, the other isn't woken. I don't always do this but it's useful in a desperate moment.

Sorry, hit post too soon. ETA:

It sounds like they might be over tired (btdt) or that they don't know how to put themselves back to sleep when they come into a light phase of skeep (one of my guys is like that). Other than CIO, which I can't bear to do with him, it is tough. We have been using strategies from The No Cry Sleep Solution which, along with some supported crying, has helped one of my guys to put himself back to sleep. The same strategies do not work for the other guy who just wants to be held and BF'd. And so, I have not slept the night through, or more than a few straight hours, since they were born. Even if my thoughts don't help at least know you are not alone.

 

I've been thinking about you! It's possible that their 9pm bed has just been a little too late for them and over time it's accumulated into being too wired up for sleep and of course with the 2 months of waking and fighting sleep they've become too overtired.

What time do they wake from their last nap? Generally at this age, 3-4 hours is about the max wake time before bed. If they are having a late nap, I would consider moving their naps up and starting their bedtime routine around 6.30 for bed at 7pm. Make a new routine of bath, bottle and bed around that time. Try it for at least a week or so before you make any further changes. I'm sure you know that consistency will be key to this working. You've done it before and it will come back to them.

I agree with Bex regarding getting their reflux and or meds checked...

GL! and let us know how you're going

 

Sorry I had to rush off before but I also wanted to share our story: our girls were very colicky so around 4 months of age we moved their bedtimes to 6pm (from 9pm) (as per Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child book by Dr Marc Weissbluth) - it changed our lives. Since then we found that their natural bedtime is 5.30 - since about 6months old, this is the time they like to go to bed, even when daylight savings finished. They have always woken up between 5.45 and 6.30am. We haven't been able to do anything to change their early wake time. To me, it makes sense that if they are early risers, to put them down earlier so that they are getting the sleep that they need. And I have read that sleep before midnight is the most restorative and the trick to fix night sleep issues is most often a too late a bedtime.

A lot of people think we're strange for putting them down so early but it's worked for us, they sleep 12 hours every night (give or take the weeks where they have crib parties- usually a result of overtiredness). One of my girls is a chronic short napper so I like that they can catch up on the sleep at night. It does mean that their days end early but hubby is usually home in time to feed and bath them. It also gives us some family time in the evening.

Our girls don't liked to be rocked or held to sleep. They have always just liked to be put in the crib and they play or talk for a while. About a month ago, they started protesting when we left the room but we leave them and within 5 minutes they're asleep. They have also never really tolerated a wake time of longer than 2.5-3hours - for them if it's longer than that, they get so wound up and tired that I have to literally hold them tight until they stop fighting and fall asleep - this is rare because I work around their routine so that they don't get overtired.

Do you have anybody who can come and help you for a few days around bedtime? Perhaps there is a local church or multiples group who have volunteers? It is very hard to do sleep training on your own, you need support, even if it's just to say, well done, you can do it! I also hear you on them being woken by your DH leaving or arriving from work - this has always been an issue in our house because of the creaky stairs and I am convinced this is why we have early risers but there isn't much you can do except keep being as quiet as you can.
I hope things will improve for you soon.

 

My sympathies for your frustration and lack of sleep. I am also alone in the evenings and it is terrible to feel out numbered. Everything is 3 times more complicated with 2. it sounds like you had some really good sleep stuff going and then somehow it all got off kilter. the fact that you have done it before means you can get it back!
Everything you have described sounds like you are a really 'with it' mom!
First thing, check out the medical stuff AmynTony mentioned. if it was something like that you have an easy fix! most likely not, since they are both doing it, but worth checking.

Frequent night waking, shortened naps are all indicators of being over tired (which you know). my LOs are 8 months today. (they were 6 weeks early though so maybe biologically younger than your guys) maybe in a month i will be writing this post and you can tell me what worked!

Many reflux babies have difficulty with sleep even months after the reflux symptoms are gone. My DS was also a reflux baby. He is definitely ultra sensitive to missed sleep.

there are lots of good books out there about sleep. my favorite is 'healthy sleep habits, happy child' by Marc Weissbluth MD. he provides lots of information about sleep patterns and problems in children.

it sounds to me like they got overtired which made falling asleep difficult so you rocked them. they haven't caught up on sleep but instead have become dependent on you to rock them to sleep. because they are over tired they wake easily and because they are now dependant on you to fall asleep they don't return to sleep.

so there is the catch. they can't sleep because they are over tired, and they are over tired because they can't sleep.

you have to decide which problem concentrate on the needing sleep or the needing to be rocked to sleep.
i would start with the needing sleep and put the needing to be rocked to sleep problem in the back of my mind to be worked on, hopefully soon, but as opportunity presents itself. (do you know techniques for teaching them to sooth themselves?)

here is my brainstorming......
Do everything possible to get them as much sleep as possible
--- start with moving bed time earlier... 5 or 6:00
--- i would definitely separate them to sleep for now
--- maybe if they were swaddled you could hold and rock both of them?
--- or with an earlier bed time and separate rooms could you put them to bed individually? maybe leave one (twin A) in an exersaucer or somewhere else he is usually happy. then concentrate on putting down twin B. twin A could go in a crib or pack-n-play with the door closed.. so that if he cries he does not disturb twin B. i know this is difficult for any mom. remember, his crying is temporary and he will benefit also, if you can get them back to sleeping. it is so hard with two. keep repeating to yourself, it will not hurt him to cry.
--- is there someone you could ask to help you for 1 hour at the end of the day? if you put them to bed at 5 or 6 maybe there is a neighbor who would come hold one while you put the first one down.. if you can think of anyone, ask them! most people would love to help. long shot but just thought i'd throw it out there.
--- naps.. plan your naps for the earlier part of the window. example if first nap is usually between 8:30 and 9:30, make 8 your goal.
--- they maybe to old for this, but my DS still occasionally needs what i think of as a 4 month old schedule. he does great with 3 naps daily for about 5 to 7 days then he gets overtired (difficulty falling asleep, short naps). I spend 2 days putting him back down after 1.5 hours of awake time. i ignore the clock and just keep putting him down. these days he usually only sleeps short periods (but what the heck, he is already waking up after 30-45 min). this way he gets an extra nap in -total 4. then i put him back on the 3 nap daily schedule and he is good again. it is a lot of work, because it means their schedules are completely different but it the only thing that helps him. (i have never read this anywhere just what i found helps him, may not be useful for your guys)

you are not alone. you are a good mom.. look how hard you are working to help them sleep! that qualifies as great mom!
you will figure this out! hang in there!

 

That is definitely something to think about. When I say their reflux was bad I guess it actually wasn't that bad. It was never bad enough that their doctors thought medicine was nessecary. It just seemed very bad to me! They still gag and choke a lot and very easily. However, they hardly spit up anymore. I took them to 2 different doctors over it and I was just told it would gradually go away..I think I'm going to keep a close watch on it and talk to the pediatrician at our next visit. I guess I just assumed that since they are no longer spitting up that it wasn't an issue anymore...but that definitely could be a contributing factor to their sleep issues. Thanks for bringing it back to my attention.

 

That is definitely something to think about. When I say their reflux was bad I guess it actually wasn't that bad. It was never bad enough that their doctors thought medicine was nessecary. It just seemed very bad to me! They still gag and choke a lot and very easily. However, they hardly spit up anymore. I took them to 2 different doctors over it and I was just told it would gradually go away..I think I'm going to keep a close watch on it and talk to the pediatrician at our next visit. I guess I just assumed that since they are no longer spitting up that it wasn't an issue anymore...but that definitely could be a contributing factor to their sleep issues. Thanks for bringing it back to my attention.

 

My husband is military, when the twins were born he was stationed over 2 hrs away so he would be home a few nights a week, if that and most weekends, but again, field exercises, the range, conferences, etc. I actually had surgery for a lump when I was pregnant, he took me to surgery, and the following day had to go back to work, I was left with the 2 other kids, pregnant, told to bedrest for a couple weeks by myself.

Our twins did not sleep through the night until about 1 yrs old. They were up every couple hours, all night and it is exhausting. All my friends are military and they unfortunately moved so I was really on my own. I still am as now dh is stationed 8 plus hrs away and commutes home on free weekends. He hasn't been home in 3 weeks right now. So, I 100% know where you are coming from.

The plus side for me is that we have kids from 22 yrs old down to the 2 yr old twins and because I am older, the crying doesn't bother me too much, I know it is a stage which will pass. But, I was exhausted between not having sleep and then having 2 school age kids that was all on me.

It does sound like your boys are over tired but I wouldn't wait for their well check-up, I would get them in now and just have them checked over. Sometimes if a baby has an ear infection they act ok but when they lay down at night they cry and are just more difficult in general. It certainly won't hurt to take them in, talk to the Dr about their sleeping pattern and make sure nothing else is going on.

It is possible they are teething so like others said a little infant motrin and some baby oragel on their gums before bed may help. I'd also try a pacifier. My oldest kids I was so particular about taking it away from my oldest, never letting the next couple kids have one. But, I have to say, it does help sooth them to sleep usually and if you only give it for naps or bed then, in my experience, it isn't that hard later on to remove. I think it may be worth it so you could get some sleep. It certainly can't hurt to try it.

 

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I have started feeding one of my guys in the middle of the night to get him back to sleep. I have come to the realization that one of my boys is still a great sleeper and the other is just having a hard time winding down. They just recently learned to crawl so he is constantly trying to sit up, crawl, and climb in his crib. I think the excitement of being able to do something new just hasnt worn off yet. Also, like you said, GROWTH SPURT, he seems hungry before time to wake up. As long as I can get to him before he wakes up his brother I can feed him and put him right back to sleep.