Are you harder on one more so than the other?

I am. And it is breaking my heart. He just pushes the limits. And dh and I both are harder on him. When it's just me, there's no one here to tell me to lay off. When it's dh and I, I tell him to lay off of him.

Tonight I told them to clean up. Then brush teeth. He and Annabella are fooling around, running around, screaming, etc etc. I lost it on him. Not her. Him. Is ot because of his age? He knows better and she doesn't? I don't know.

The worst part is the last two days he has had really good days(don't get me wrong-he is a good kid), and he knows it and I praise him to the high heavens. But tonight, I yelled and screamed, and with his quivering lip he tells me but he had a good day. Ugh.

I don't know why I am so much harder on him than the others. I want it to stop but I don't know how. When I stop and think ahead, I realize and I try to stop myself. Tonight he said before bed, that hopefully tomorrow would be a day of no yelling.

I just want to crawl into his bed and hold him.

 

I don't have any good advice, but I'm with you in the guilt I'm having a hard time with my two year old lately, not being too hard on her and remembering that she is only two, and it just...sucks

 

I am a little. I'm harder on Anna. She's more like me, and that's good and bad. It means that I get her, but it also means she pushes my buttons more and I understand exactly how her negative traits can limit her. She's also more emotionally mature and just requires a different discipline style. So I push her more. But I try to be cognizant of what I am doing and why and whether it's productive. And Rick tends to be harder on Jack. So I think we even out.

All you can do as a parent is try every day to do your best.

 

I think I can be at times. Right now my son is giving us a challenging time. He's our more stubborn one, more likely to talk back and get angry when he doesn't get what he wants. He can easily push my buttons (and my DH's). Don't beat yourself up over it, I just think of it as a phase he is going through and once he's out of it, it will feel more like an even keel around here.

 

This exactly. I am much harder on Alice, because she is just like me and I totally understand her and get her and because she is so much like me, she drives me insane when she doesn't listen or even worse, acts like a five year old instead of like a 35 year old (sarcasm). So I'm meaner to her, both in words and in actions. And I know this, so I totally hate myself for it sometimes. But OTOH, she is much more mischevious than Royce. Maybe if he acted out as much as her, I would be equally mean.

 

I was going to ask if he's more like you bc like previous posters Jack not only looks like a mini-me...he acts like it! I feel like I yell at him more, lecture him more, spank him more, everything more!! The other night I was in tears telling Andy that I was goofing around on the couch with him and he was all smiley laughing and I said "Jack! Your so smart!" but when I said Jack in my serious tone his face just totally went to this face that was sad, not pouty sad, but like "here we go again, I'm being bad".....it broke. my. heart
I told DH that we need to lay off him a bit bc he's just more everything than the other 2. Hannah's still little enough if she's having a fit to say "Hey whats that!?" and distract her, JT I can reason with, but Jack...he pushes, and pushes, and pushes some more! We keep saying someday he's going to be an excellent lawyer or salesman I'm reading "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and it has some great ideas and I've also tried to just grit my teeth and let things slide a bit with them and notice he calms down on his own. Like your night last night, I would have tried to hold my breath and just let them get it out of their systems...easier said than done I know! :hug:

 

I am and it makes me feel like complete poo. But like others have said, Rea is just like me. She is my mini-me and sometimes she just drives me insane. I try really hard to balance it but I don't know if I'm always successful at that.

 

Aww thanks ladies! I don't think he's just like me. Lol! Anthony is. Anthony is quiet, solitary play, shy, etc etc. Nicholas is the polar opposite. Both dh and I are the quiet types, so maybe that has something to do with it. And Annabella is a bit like Nicholas as well.

Is it because he's older??? By a whopping two minutes?!? We ask a lot of him-Nicholas-help your sister. Help your brother. Get this. Get that. He's taller by a good amount so he does more to help out because he physically can.

Maybe I will look into that book. The guilt kills me I feel awful.

 

My kids are 2, so I can't really have meaninfull conversations with them yet, but I notice just like all the others that have boy/girl twins - Vanessa reminds me so much of myself , the fun that we'll have when she's a teenager ... She also looks a lot like I looked at her age. I try not to be too tough on her, but she seems to go through a mean phase - I hope it's just a phase.

 

I am much harder on my oldest than the twins. I read this tonight on the Celebrate Calm facebook page and it made me stop to think about how I am quick to criticize him because I expect so much out of him. I think it applies to this post also.

https://www.facebook.com/CelebrateCalm




Want to change your child's view of themselves tonight? Want to change how you view your child tonight? You know how intense you get when you're upset at or disappointed with your child? This evening, praise your child with that same intensity.


Think about those traits that irritates you. Those traits are going to be responsible for your child's success in life.

Tonight, when your child is being obstinate about doing chores or homework, stop in the middle of what you are doing. Your child will be waiting for the lecture, for the shaking of the head from dad, for the disapproval. It's what they are used to. They have internalized, "I'm a bad kid. I don't fit in." So instead, walk over, look your child in the eyes and say with conviction, intensity and absolute certainty:

"Trevor, know what I love about you? I love that you know what you want and what you don't want. I love that you aren't afraid to voice your opinion. I love that you are assertive. I wish I was more sure of myself. I wish I had learned to speak up for myself.

"I love that you're not afraid to wear the same sports pants, hoody sweatshirt and sandals to school every single day. I wish I had the courage to do that and not care what other people think. You're your own person. You are true to yourself. Do you know how rare that is?

"I know I get frustrated sometimes at your obstinance, but one day that is going to turn into persistence. I love your persistence. I admire your persistence. You know why? Because you're a fighter. You don't give up. I know you have to work 10 times harder than your siblings just to make it through the day at school. No one marks on your report card how much self-control it takes to sit all day and follow instructions. But you do it. When you want to get to the next level in your video games, can anyone hold Traver back? No! Because when you care and believe in something, you can do anything you set your mind to.

"Know what else I admire about you? Your big heart. I know you're emotionally exhausted at the end of the day. And yet you still walk over to Mrs. Crawford's house to check on her dogs and see how she's doing. You sit with an old lady that everyone else ignores. Because you have a big heart that cares and feels the pain and loneliness of others.

"Don't you ever allow anyone to tell you that you aren't going to be successful in life just because you struggle in school. Because they don't give grades for that big heart, for that purposeful, fighting spirit you have. But in real life, that's what is going to enable you to reach those big dreams you have.

"So, Trevor, you may not see it now. You may think your life is always going to feel like a struggle because that's how school and chores and building friendships feels to you now. But you have a great future ahead of you. I can see it. I can feel it. It makes me proud. I'm glad you are my son. I like you just the way you are."

(Then walk out of the room, go cry in privacy and allow those words to sink into your child's heart).

 

Me 2. I'm harder on Michelle. She is sturbborn, rebellious, talking back, hot temper, fearless, mean, doesn't listen, her way or noway. But everybody says she is my image. It's so easy for her to push my button. The way she talks, acts just like me. Sometimes, I found out that I was playing power control game with a 2.5 yrs old!!! I felt like if i let her get her way, she would get her way all the time from now. Properly, she thought the same way. And I hated myself so bad.

You know what.. She never says please, thank you or sorry when I ask her to period. She thinks if she says it, she will lose herself or dignity or whatever. She rather not get food or toys...and never say hose words. However, she always acts like that when I order her, when she thinks ok now it's a battle between me and mom. Normally, she is a lovely girl. She loves hanging out with me. I really have hard time with her.

 

Sometimes it's hard to remember when we're in a powerstruggle with a little one that their brains are NOT wired the same as ours is, not for many years actually. Yes they may be very stubborn, yes they may seem to be a mirror reflection of us, but they're not thinking all the same kinds of things that we are. They're just exploring consequences, learning about control in their little world (that really doesn't give them very much control), reflecting back some of what they're getting from those (especially adults) around them.

I'm not saying that I'm always perfect about doing this. But just a thought I need to remember more often.

 

I totally agree with you. But sometimes when we have zillion stuffs to do around the house 40 working hrs, and a stubborn kid ready to fight with you all the time. You just lose yourself and forget all of that. Most of the time, I got very patient with her. But sometimes, I just got so upset and scream at her. I feel very bad though. After 2.5 yrs being a parent, I just realized I have learned so how about being patient!!!! But still can't be 100%. Being pregnant and giving birth are so easy. But raising a child is so tough. Raising twins Is even tougher. 33 yrs of my life, motherhood is the toughest job I have ever had.

 

Yep it certainly is! And I definitely have a couple of kids that are great at pushing my buttons, too. I super hate that feeling of losing my patience and yelling. I'm much, much better now than I used to be, but it's still somewhat of a work in progress. And now I have a teenager and boys who can't seem to help themselves from picking fights with their siblings over the STUPIDEST things.

 

the girls both have a lot of my traits, but when it comes to head-butting, it's me and ivana. she very much has the "i will make my point and get the last word" like me. so i feel like i'm harder on her. she's a better listener (in school/dance/tennis/etc) than her sister, more compliant at dr. appts... but seriously, when she gets pissed about something with me, there's no going back lol... then yell at her for disrespecting me (yelling at me, trying to tell me what to do, etc). i'm trying to remind myself that she acts like that cuz she's out of ideas on how to get her point across, but it's hard.
anyway, i have no idea if that made sense, but yes, i'm a little harder on one

 

Oh, that is a beautiful tidbit. I've never thought of it like that before.

 

It can be tough. I think I am definitely harder on one than the other and it is mainly because their personalities are total opposites. One is shy and for the most part obedient, listens and does what we ask. The other is independent, headstrong, half the time does NOT listen and can be flat out defiant. I am harder on her and she also gets punished more. I do feel bad about it sometimes, like I am being unfair but I have to remind myself my kids are 2 different people and you can't always be exactly the same with one as the other. If my daughter listened and didn't act out so much I certainly wouldn't yell and get upset as much. I do wish I could be patient all the time though and not let her actions get to me so much.

 

My mom just sent me a book called 'siblings without rivalry' It has a whole chapter dealing with this topic. Its a really easy and enjoyable read and I'm learning a lot. Highly recommended!