Nighttime battles

I had seriously thought that by 2 I would be beyond asking questions about sleep, but guess not. Here we go...

Recently, Twin A has been waking 2 to 3 times per night. She usually wails and says she wants a parent in her room (usually mom, then dad if I refuse to come in or am not "available"). If we go in, she will keep herself awake to keep us there. If we leave, she has a screaming tantrum. She has also been having major meltdowns that last an hour or longer at bedtime. Our bedtime time ritual HAD BEEN family stories on the couch followed by "quiet time" in each individual child's room (the twins are separated), then one last book with the light on, song with the light off (with back rubs), then the parent leaves the room and the child puts herself to sleep if not asleep already. Usually they would be asleep.

Now, she is still fine for stories and family time on the couch; however, when it comes time for quiet time in her room, she is refusing to stay quietly in her room and the process of trying to get her in triggers the meltdown. She simply refuses to stay in and be calm. It also isn't working if we stay and go straight to book and song without quiet alone time. Even if she's calm and tucked in, if we leave she screams and the meltdown begins. We have also tried waiting her out, but she has amazing endurance and can keep herself awake even though she's exhausted and lying still.

I am at a loss for what is going on and what to do. We admittedly have a lot going on. We had a baby in July. We transitioned to big girl beds about 3 weeks ago. She potty trained last week. The bedtime battles began a few days before the potty training, but well after the baby arrived and about 2 weeks after the transition to big girl beds.

Anyone have any ideas of what might be going on or things to try? Is it possible that all of the change just built up and some small change that maybe even DH and I didn't notice was the "straw that broke the camels back?" HELP!

 

First of all, a big hug to you. If you have a new baby, you are up enough at night and do not need a toddler keeping you up too.

I agree with your idea that there have been a lot of changes in your DD's life right now.

It seems as if she genuinely feels she needs more of mom's - or at least dad's - time and attention than she is getting and tries to make up for that during the evenings and nights. Maybe she also feels pushed to "be a big girl now" even if you are not expressly putting it that way, and she just does not feel ready to be a big girl yet. Is there s way you can give her more closeness, either during the day or at night? maybe the option of a mattress nest on the floor of your bedroom for night-time wakings or a comfortable couch in her room where one of the adults can settle and stay with her, dozing or reading a bit? Mine LOs often want me to stay with them a bit longer at bedtime too; our rule is that I will only stay if they are calm and quiet and that I will leave whether they are asleep or not at a certain time; in our house it is the church bell ringing 8pm next door, but it could also be the end of a piece of quiet music you put on, time for the evening news etc.

Does the baby stay with you when she has to leave you and go to bed? Could she be envious of the baby sleeping in your room (if the baby does that)?

Is she getting enough sleep? For a 2 year-old I think getting too much sleep is rare, but is she still napping and is naptime maybe too close to bedtime or not filled with enough energetic activities to really tire her out? I would try tweaking things just a little, 15 minutes maybe. Mine changed their sleep schedules quite a bit shortly after their 2nd birthday, and I have heard that this happens to many people, so that change of her inner rhythm may be occuring at the same time, mixing things up even more for her and you.

 

I can't see how old she is but if she is less than 2.75 I'd go back to the crib. She may like the security. All of my kids really liked the confined space to sleep in and a few had issues with moving from a toddler bed and rails to twins. Almost like it was TOO much space.

 

Here's the funny part - DS sleeps like a dream. He can sleep through the twins' tantrums, never wakes up when she comes into our room wailing (or if he does, he simply frowns and falls back asleep). I am up all night not because of the newborn, but because of the toddler. An amusing twist of fate.

I have thought about being more flexible about night time sleep, but I have honestly been afraid to do this too much. I realize the need for compassion, but I don't want to reward "bad" behavior or create bad habits that we're just going to have to work to break later. But I do wonder, am I teaching a lesson in an appropriate way or just being stubborn?

The baby does sleep in a crib at the foot of our bed. Twin A's room is the room next door. Her sister's room is across the house (split floor plan). For the last 2 nights and one other noncontiguous day prior, when she has come in at around 4, we have pulled her into bed with us. The first time she came in, she played around for an hour while we dozed, but never fell asleep. The last 2 nights, she has fallen asleep and stayed asleep until a reasonable hour. But the second she woke up, she was back to wailing again.

I totally agree that she needs more sleep. I jokingly call her our traveler for all of the baggage she is carrying under her eyes. I just can't figure out how to get her to sleep and keep her that way. Our schedule is this:

She wakes at 6 (used to be 7)
Lunch at 11:30
stories at 12:00 followed by naps - some days it has taken us until 1:30 to get them to sleep.
They used to nap until 3:30, but lately their naps have ended after 1.5 hours, which yesterday was 2:30.
Dinner at 6,
Playing with parents from 7 - 7:45 (DH sometimes doesn't get home until 7)
7:45 - 8:30 brushing teeth, getting on pajamas, books on the couch with lights low, then to bed. She's asleep whenever the tantrum ends, which some nights has been as late as 10 PM.

in the last 24 bedtime-to-bedtime cycle, she went to bed at 9:30 PM, woke at 2:00 (and was up for about 30), woke at 4:00 (and was up for about 20), woke for the day at 6, napped at 1:00 for 1.5 hours, went to bed at 9:20 after nearly an hours long fit. So, I suppose that adds up to about 9.25 hours of sleep, none of it in a good stretch. She's usually best with 10 hours of sleep at night and a 2 to 2.5 hours nap. This whole thing is so frustrating for both of us. I know she needs sleep, I just don't know what else she needs to get her to sleep or why she's having such a hard time. Perhaps it is that she is just over tired and fried on adrenaline and we need to do everything possible to get her some decent sleep for a few days, then see if the tantrums continue.

The hard part will be doing that for the next few days because we have (wait for it) MORE CHANGE!!! DH left for a rare business trip and will be gone for 3 days. Thankfully, my mom is coming to stay with us. I swallowed my pride and called and begged for her help. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Granny has endless patience and isn't opposed to rocking the girls to sleep. Maybe I can get Twin B and the baby down and let Granny work her magic on Twin A.


Sorry for the rambling stream of consciousness - I am exhausted. This conversation is, however, hopefully helping me work things out in my head.

 

Sorry about that. The twins are 28.5 months.

I hadn't thought about going back to the crib - technically taking off the toddler rail and putting the side back on. We moved them into beds because twin B wedged herself between the wall and the crib side trying to escape three days in a row. We figured it was safer for her to be able to wander the house than launch herself out of the crib. Twin A did not, however, try to climb out. Maybe she wasn't ready.

 

At this point I wouldn't go back to a crib personally.

What I'd do is get rid of quiet time (honestly it would never have worked with my kids anyway, so it's a bit hard to put myself in your shoes there), because it just seems to set her off... Then I'd to the normal routine of story and song, and tell her you'll be back in 10 minutes to give her a last kiss. I know it worked for someone I know. By the time she came back, her DD was asleep. Even if she's not, go back in after 10 minutes, put her back in bed, sing another song if needed, then tell her you'll see her in the morning... and stick to your guns.

Both my kids had phases like that (and we moved when they were that age too), but they quickly learned that we meant business and it didn't last long.

 

I agree that it may well just be her reaction to all the changes you have had lately. I also think it would probably help if you could up the amount of attention/hugs she gets in the day (not saying that she doesn't get them already but seems she's craving more) and try to get some 1:1 time with her, even if it's only 10 minutes.

At bedtime what I would do is stick to your routine as much as possible. When it comes to the 'quiet time' if she does not want to go in her bedroom then, instead of making her and triggering the tantrum, I would suggest that you go into her room and sit quietly. As she clearly wants to be with you she will most likely follow, at which point you can sit and cuddle with her or she can lie in bed if she wants. That way she will still be getting her quiet wind down time. After the normal amount of time that you would leave her for 'quiet time' you can tuck her into bed and continue as usual with your last story and song.

I think this is a great rule. While you are going through this phase I would make the concession to her that you will stay sitting by her bed after her song, providing she follows the rule of lying nicely and quietly. Make sure you explain this to her before bedtime and again when you start the bedtime routine. Hopefully that will reassure her enough that a tantrum won't start and then she'll be more likely to fall asleep faster. If you get to the point where you have to leave the room (I'd give it 20 mins after finishing her song) and she's still awake tell her that you will come back again in 10 minutes.

As for putting her back in her crib; if you still have the side you could try it. If it doesn't help then you're really no worse off than you are now. Or you could try asking her if she wants her crib back and see what she says.

Good luck!

 

I think having granny to stay is a great opportunity. If granny "spoils" her a bit at bedtime, she can maybe catch up on sleep and you will have the option of saying that doing whatever you might not want to continue was granny's treat, so whatever habit it may take to get her to sleep more for a few nights might be easier to break.
GL!

 

We had parents stay after my baby was born... be prepared to switch and focus on her, and let the others soak up granny's love. After a while mine were fed up with other people and really only wanted me or DH.

 

Well, Granny came and saw and had a lot of thoughts about the behavior. She sees that from sun up to sun down, Twin A is basically never alone. To keep her in her bed at nap time after we switched to toddler beds, the nanny would take Twin B into her room, stay with her until she fell asleep, then go to Twin B's room. The end result is sleep regression. We need to retrain her to be comfortable alone - including during the day.

Granny also thinks that since the nanny and I are both here all day right now, everyone is catering to her demands - before she had to wait. Now, she asks for things and at least one of us is readily available to comply. This may be flowing into her night time behavior. Since we give her what she wants the rest of the day, she expects that if she screams loud enough at night, we'll cave again.

I also have come to realize that I am letting a lot of things slide behavior-wise since the baby's arrival, especially when I am here alone. I can't be everywhere and intervene every time because there's three right now. That sometimes results in me yelling empty threats because I can't immediately follow through. Or, I am just too plumb tired to "fight the good fight."

So, bottom line, while Twin A is not blameless, a lot of the problems are the adults in her life letting things slide. It was a humbling visit, but probably much needed reflection that my sleep deprived eyes aren't seeing. Stay tuned.