Just need to vent!

So here it is 2am and I'm laying im bed almost to the point of tears bc of the pain from my connective tissue disease (EDS).

Pre-pregnancy I was on topamax for migraines and the pain that comes with the EDS, occasionally having to treat the pain with narcotics. I obviously went off of it when we found out I was pregnant. During the pregnancy i felt fantastic, of course I had the typical aches and pains anyone has in a twin pregnancy but I never had the joint achiness from head to toe at all that comes along with the EDS. Now im 3 weeks postpardum and it's come back with a vengeance.

I talked to my ob last week about whether or not I can take the topamax amd breast feed, he looked up one reference on his computer and it didnt say anything so he told me he would research it amd let me know . Its a week later and I have no answer. And as I said im almost to the point of tears, partially bc of the pain and partially bc I feel like im failing as a mother and wife.

Marshall has had me just go to bed the last few nights and handles all the feedings with the the twins bc he knows I need to rest, which I really appreciate but honestly it makes me feel even more like a failure. He goes back to work in a week, its all up to me after that, and I dont want him having too many sleepless nights.

Marshall has told me if its a choice of me breast feeding or taking the topamax to feel better then its a no brainer, I take the topamax, which I will do bc im almost useless to my children right now, but again makes me feel like a failure with my kids that I can't breast feed.

I really am not liking this!!!! Honestly its been years since I've dealt with this pain and my docs had always told me that if I got pregnant there were issues with the EDS that would come back with a vengeance but they also told me that I most likely wouldn't ever be able to carry a baby to term, id probably miscarriage, id have bleeding issues, it would be too taxing on my heart, etc, and I had none of the problems they said I would so I guess I eluded myself into thinking postpartum would be the same way ... Not so much!

 

I'm so sorry for your pain, it really sounds awful! I'm a big supporter of breast feeding. But I'm a much bigger fan of healthy, happy, pain-free mamas!!! I agree with your husband, it's a no-brainier. You need to do what it takes to function well, and that takes precedence over BFing. Of course post-parting, hormones can really mess with your emotions and contribute to feeling lousy about this kind of thing. And maybe even mess with your body and make your symptoms worse. It sounds like your DH is a real gem! Accept his help, it's what partners are for. And by all means take care of yourself so you can do your best at taking care of those sweet babies! And congratulations on your new blessings!

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I had to stop breast feeding after 5 weeks, because of various reasons. Yes, I felt very guilty, was in tears for a few days, but in some ways it actually helped. My DH could do a night feed with bottles and I could get some rest. They picked up weight. I still bonded with them.

I agree a healthy mommy is very important. I hope that you will soon have an answer. Take care.

 

:hug: I am so sorry to hear of your pain. :hug: You need to be the best Mommy you can be for your babies and if that means you need to go back on painkillers, then so be it. Yes it would have been nice to have breastfed for longer, but in the big scheme of things, isn't it better for them to be with you pain free and enjoying them rather than the alternative of being secluded away resting because you are in so much pain? I agree it's a no-brainer. Not everyone can breastfeed and it doesn't make you any less of a good mom because of it!. These newborn times are so precious and go so quick, enjoy them please, especially while DH is home... :hug:

PS I don't know whether this will help at all but it's just to give some perspective, if I had had the choice of having my babies home straight away or breastfeeding but in hospital, I know what I would have chosen.

 

Have you spoken to Manda about this? Her boys are four now, and she might be the inspiration and the one person with EDS and twins that can mentally help you through this and give you some advice for what worked for her.

Much love to you Alex. Remember, a happy mom is a healthy mom and you have to take care of YOU first in order to take care of THEM.

 

Don't feel like a failure, you need to be helathy and happy in order to be the best mom to your babies. There is nothing wrong with formula.

 

Sorry you are going through this Alex. Breastfeeding is not easy even without a disease like yours, so don't put too much pressure on yourself. I think your husband is right also. I hope you feel better soon, just like everyone else said, I think it's important for you to be well to be able to take good care of the babies.

 

Aw, that is awful! You definitely need to be able to function!

Have you checked out the sticky in the BF & Pumping Forum on medications and nursing? It might be a help to see if your med goes into your milk or not- there are some very good resources in there.

I really hope you are able to start feeling better.

 

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. Please do not feel like a failure and do whatever you need to in order to be the mama you want to be.

Lactmed is a good place to look for information. I just put topamax into it's search and it says that the limited research that has been done says very low levels of the drug are transmitted into breast milk (this is typical for many medications and they often have no effect on the baby) when mothers were taking up to 200 mg a day. Not sure what your dose would be.

From what I read, depending on your dose, it sounds like you could start taking it and just see if the twins have any side effects from it.

Here is the link to lactmed. You can enter topamax and read the summary yourself.

http://toxnet.nlm.nih.gov/cgi-bin/sis/search

Thomas Hale is another source that either you or your doctor should consider following up with.

 

Here is more information I found while googling.

http://epilepsy.emedtv.com/topamax/topamax-and-breastfeeding.html

 

sorry for multiple posts, but I also wanted to say that there are many medications that are not ok to take while pregnant but are fine while breastfeeding because they are excreted in such small amounts into breast milk (versus crossing the placenta while pregnant).

And also wanted to say that if you stop breastfeeding, you are NOT a failure! Like everyone else has said: healthy mom is a priority.

 

Your dh sounds wonderful. I agree with everyone here you have to take care if yourself. My dh took over the 12-5am shift to let me sleep after the girls came home as I was still recovering from serious postpartum complications. Yes I felt guilty because he got up and went to work but it gave me time to recover. I was unable to bf due to my many meds (although I'm not sure I would have anyways). With all my problems it was no surprise that I ended up with ppd and seeing a therapist has really helped my mental state. Best of luck to you

 

I agree, I think at this point, you need to take care of yourself. If you don't, you can take care of them, period.

Hang in there!!

 

Thanks Gals!!!! Y'all are great! And yes I do have a phenomenal DH!!!

So here's the update:

Doc finally called yesterday, it's a no go with BF-ing and Topamax. I think he really wanted me to stay with BF-ing so he just wanted me to take some motrin, told him that I was taking the 800mg motrin he prescribed when I had the csection and it wasn't touching the pain. He then told me he'd call me in some tramadol. Anyway, after being to the point of tears much of yesterday Marshall and I talked and decided that I'm going to quit BFing and take the topamax, my children need me feeling good more than they need to be breast fed, and at least they got 3 weeks of breast feeding.

 

I'm glad you made the decision that is best for you. My sister was never able to breastfeed and ensured that she held her babies for every feeding to increase bonding and now they are both smart, energetic, and well adjusted. Bonding can certainly be done while bottle feeding and your mental and physical health is so important to your growing babies. I wish you nothing but the best!

 

:hug: :hug: I'll just ditto what everyone else said! I only managed 5 wks of breastfeeding my twins, switching to formula I was heartbroken, but you can absolutely still bond and spend time with your babies while bottle feeding. I never once just set my kids with their bottle in a bouncer or something, i held them each and every time, right up until 15 months when we finally completely weaned off bottles :wub: A healthy mom makes for happier babies!! :hug:

 

:hug: Huge congrats on 3 weeks of breast feeding, especially with everything else you've been going through!

I'm just throwing this out there as an option as many people simply don't know that it is one - have you considered using donor milk? If you don't have a milk bank in your area, you can often find mother to mother sharing sites online. Either way, your babies will be fine & loved on by a happy mama & that is what counts.