need advice on handling a situation

My 10 year old is the epitimy (or however you spell that) of middle children. She is the peace maker/keeper, the giver, the go-alonger, etc. She is that way in our family (unless she is sick or just plain cranky), and really like that with her friends. Plus, she is incredibly shy, so she would never, ever do anything that would intentionally draw attention to herself. She would back down and walk away from anything when given the choice...just because "people are looking".

That said, she was playing "hot potato" with a group of friends with a basketball in school yesterday morning. I really like 2 of the friends, and one of the friends isn't my favorite, but they are in all the same classes, plus she goes to church with us so they have sunday school, vbs, etc together. This is friend has been known to be incredibly nice at church, and sometimes not so nice at school. However, in the 3 weeks since school has started, she has been fun and nice.

Anyway, during the hot potato game this child (I'll just call her friend) looked away right when Izzy was throwing her the ball. Well, it hit her on the side of the face (although it seems to have been really close, Izzy thought she caught it, but her friend Aubrey couldn't tell if she caught it or it hit her), and she was the one out. Well, friend got really made, ran up and slapped Izzy in the face, threw the ball at her face, yelled at her and ran away. Izzy, of course, cried and let it go. The friend ran away and told all her other friends that Izzy hit her...at which point they called friend a liar because that's not who Izzy is (and they aren't really Izzy's friends, they just know she wouldn't do that).

So, my question is...do I let it go? Do I bring it up to the counselor because obviously this child has some anger management issues? We have talked about forgiving her and being nice, but not out of your way friends for a long while again. Do I talk to the parent...I would want to know if my child did that. I know the parents well, they go to church with us. Or do I just let it go? The hard part is that this really isn't a "bad" child, but she seems to be heading that direction and I'd like to see her caught before something really bad DOES happen.

Maybe I just needed to vent...but I do want opinions on whether I let it go or bring it up to someone (parent, counselor at school (who actually goes to church with us both and is friends with both of us as well)).

 

:woah: I don't have a 10 year old so I cannot say yet what I would do but OMG! I would be so mad!!!!

My instinct would be to talk to the counselor. She SLAPPED Izzy. That is NOT okay. As for the spreading rumors thing, that stinks and it hurts and it's just how mean kids act. And she is definitely a mean kid. (ETA: And thankfully she has all the others to back her up because they know she's not like that.)

Ugh, I am disgusted that she treated Izzy that way. :cry: I'm hoping some people with older kids chime in because I'd love to know how people would handle this situation. :good:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

I would start with the teacher who was supervising when this happened. For all you know, discipline was given at school--many times it is handled in such a way that unless the kid actually apologizes, no one knows any action was taken. Since it happened during school, going directly to the parents can create even more problems. My son was once hit at school, and he is similar to your Izzy regarding attention. I actually found out that something happened when the principal called me--and she was quick because he was punched in the eye, and she didn't want me freaking out when he got off the bus. This happened in K, he is fine now, and is friends with the other boy.

 

I, like you, would be tempted to go to the parents since you go to church with them. Do you know the parents well at all? If you were friends with the girl's parents, I'd maybe bring it up and see what that girl's take on it was? If you're not friends with the parents, then it might be best to not talk to them. KWIM?

As for school, I'd talk to the teacher/counselor/principle, because, yeah, she HIT Izzy. Izzy's so sweet...I've met her, so I know what I'm talking about! I'd definitely see if something was done that morning...if the teacher caught the issue or not. Otherwise I'd just bring it to their attention.


But yeah, continue to have Izzy forgive and forget. I probably wouldn't let that particular girl be too close to Izzy any more.


:hug:'s Heather. I'm so sorry that happened!

 

I would definitely talk to someone at school. Teacher, counselor, principal, whoever you are comfortable with. They need to know, not only for discipline purposes this time, but in case it happens again with Izzy or with another child. Huge, huge :hug: 's to Izzy and to you. She is such a sweet kid & I know that had to hurt her feelings, and I know as a parent it is hard to hear about something like that happening to your child.

 

I would go to the teacher first. Sorry this happened to her, I'm sure that she's really sad because of it.

 

OMG, I'm so sorry this happened to Izzy. :hug: :hug: :hug:

I agree with the others and I would go to the teacher. :good:

 

I also would go to the teacher and/or principal.

We had something happen to our 10 yr old when he was in kindergarten at recess time. He's much like Izzy, very quiet, very shy, never one to stand up for anything, and he'd rather walk away than fight. Another kid pushed him down and held him down with a stick to his temple, told him if he told anyone about it he'd kill him. Another kid stepped in, pushed the other kid off of Sean and helped him up, dusted his back off for him. Teachers didn't see a thing. The only reason we found out is because Sean had a scratch on his temple from the stick.

We went straight to the principal the next day, since the principal was someone my hubby went to school with. She said they would take care of it. But, they don't tell you what they do exactly. However this boy wasn't allowed to go near Sean anymore, he was kept out of the same group in the classroom...so I assume something was said/done about it.

 

I would mostly let it go but would tell the school (teacher/counselor) in case the incident wasn't picked up by anyone, just so that there is an official record of it should anything happen with this girl again. Hopefully it will be a one off occurrence.

As for the other girls parents, if you are quite friendly with them you could try bringing it up in a casual way to see if their daughter mentioned it to them. I'd say something that doesn't imply blame on either side like "Izzy told us she and friend had a bit of a falling out on Friday." and see what their response is. If you are more of acquaintances than friends then I'd probably not say anything to them at all.

Slightly OT but I don't think it's fair to brand any child a "mean kid" on the basis of one incident. I totally agree that this girls' behaviour was unacceptable and an overreaction but she was hurt and angry and is only a child. If you look at it from her point of view she did not necessarily know that Izzy hitting her with the ball was an accident. Telling others that Izzy hit her was not, strictly speaking, a lie or a rumour. Now was her reaction to being hit unreasonable? Yes. Does she need help learning to deal with her emotions? Probably. Does lashing out in a moment of hurt automatically make her a mean person? I don't think it does.

 

Thank you everyone for the responses. I agree, I need to go to the counselor/asst principle/principle...all of whom I know well, who all Izzy and myself/family well and know that I wouldn't make something out of nothing, but I should look out for my kid. I talked this morning with the teacher on playground duty at the time (who is another friend of mine) who said she turned when she heard it happening and only saw the ball throwing and the yelling/accusation part of it. The hitting had already taken place before the friend threw the ball in her face. She recommended talking to the counselor to see what should happen next. I will do that Tuesday. Thank you all so much...I've never had to deal with this before.

I think that this poster's comment was in reference to the rumor spreading part of it rather than her "reaction" part of it. I agree, totally inappropriate reaction, but the hitting incident doesn't neccessarily make her a mean kid. However, it was the intentional lie/rumor part of it that does head that direction. Fortunately the girls she told didn't feed into it...that could have been a bad beginning of the school year.

 

But it wasn't a lie. You said in your OP that the ball your daughter threw hit this girl on the side of her face. So-although it was an accident-she did hit her, her telling that to other girls is not a lie or a rumour. It sounds most like the girl was trying to get some sympathy from the other girls or just play up the drama a bit, more of a how 10-year-old kids act thing than how mean kids act.
I agree it's good that the other girls didn't feed into it at all (things can escalate pretty quickly at that age), and how nice it must be to know that other children see your daughter as such a kind person.

 

Actually, I didn't. I based the comment on these statements:

 

I have a very hard time not saying anything. I have learned to def go to teacher first bc like other's said sometimes things are handled but not everyone knows that an aide or teacher did talk to "friend". I know there are many times I have probably overstepped my bounds by saying something to other parents or teachers, but I do like for my child to see that you can't just sit back and let people treat you like that. There is a proper way to take care of it. I like my kids to see that its okay to go to the teacher about things like that (or me so I can go to the teacher). There have been a couple of instances where I haven't said anything bc I just dealt with it at home (maybe it didn't sound as bad or something). But this one I would def just mention to the teacher that you were concerned at how upset your daughter was because of something that happened and you just wanted her to be aware and have some clarification that someone is out there watching the kids for these type of behaviors.

 

I would contact the teacher, and let her know what happened. Like Sharon said, it may have already been taken care of, or not. Either way, you will bring it to her attention if she doesn't already know, or you will find out it has been attended to.

 

I hate little girl drama. We have one little girl that is so mean to A&Z for any reason. Whenever I have an issue I email the teacher and CC the counselor on it. I try not be do it for ever little thing but I just get so sick of it. I have learned you do not talk to the parent becuase they always seem to get defensive.

 

Thanks guys! The more I think about it, the more I am sure that I will go to the school rather than the parents. I will probably talk to the asst principle, she is a friend and a classmate's mom. Like my husband said, if MY child had been the aggressor I would be totally ok with her not having recess for a long time, and perhaps that alone would be a decent consequence. I think my point was, I would want to know if it was my kid, but from the school, not the other parent. And I would expect my kid to have a form of consequence. So, I don't think it's unreasonable to push for that.

 

last year a little boy punched Abby in the back - school took care of it before she ever came home and I probably wouldn't have known about it except for the bruise she had! I did email the teacher after that and she assured me it had been taken care of...

sad part is the boy plays football with Ian and per his mother (and I quote) "he's such a good kid at home and such a demon in school, I don't know what to do"?!?!?!?!?

anyway I would email the teacher...