One twin being invited to a party other one not

This website helped me survive my first year of twins. I need help again... My girls have always been in the same class because their school is so big and all of their teachers said there is not any problems with them being together. Ok, they have the same friends and in their class from last year. ( 1st grade and they just started 2nd grade this week) There is five girls that are friends and one of the girls is having a birthday party. Her mom sent me a text and told one of my girls is invited but did not want to hurt the other's feelings. I found out that all of their friends were invited but not my one twin. They are going horseback riding and told her she could invite four girls for financial reasons. I have tried to talk to other people about this but they do not understand. I could understand if they were in seperate classes but they both think of her as a good friend. I am so hurt and could never imagine pulling up to drop one off and my other one seeing all of her friends riding horses and telling her she wasn't invited. Has this happened to anyone else?? I just really want thoughts I am must beside myself.

 

This is a hard one....Quite possibly, given the circumstances (that they are both good friends with the birthday girl/same class, etc.) I may just decline the invite altogether. If it were another circumstance - like, they were in a different class or only one of your girls was friends with or knew the birthday girl then I'd say have her go of course. But your situation is tricky! Yes, I would probably just decline, honestly. Are you good friends with the mother? That may also make it harder as well. If you are going to decline, let her know ASAP so she can invite someone else since only 4 girls are going, though. Good luck!!

 

I have b/g twins, but this has still happened to us a few times. I guess I'm just one of those people who doesn't want or expect both my kids to always be invited just because they are twins. ardon: So, it doesn't really bother me when they are not both invited and I don't make the child who is invited miss out. If it were me, I'd let the child who was invited go and explain (even though it's hard, I know I have been there) that they are not always going to be invited to the same things and there will be a time when she is invited to something and not her sister. I simply explain that this happens and it's life. ardon: Like I said, I know it's hard, I have been there, but life's not fair. You could always let the girl go who was invited and do something else with the girl who was not invited.

 

I personally only go to close friends bday parties and we never have a tradional party. To me all those brats are ungrateful and id rather take the girls out of town for a fun weekend than spend all that money on strangers kids. We do cake and such at home and invite a few of their friends over to play. I wouldn't go because as mentioned its a money constraint not a friendliness issue.

 

In most cases, I let the girl invited go to the party and the other does something else. I have no problem letting them do their separate things and go to parties solo, with their separate friends. In this case though, if both girls are good friends with the child, all in the same class together, and all the other girls except one of yours was invited, I might decline. Mine understand different classes and different friends, but if someone close to both of them only invited one, I'm not even sure the one invited would want to go. Tough situation, so sorry.

 

I agree with Lou on this one. Usually I let one attend & just explain to the other, but because they are all close friends and only the one girl is being excluded I might just decline this time. Do the girls already know? How do they feel about it?

 

I'm not quite there yet with my twins, but I agree with Lougood and Tina. I can gaurantee the excluded twin is going to feel even worse because she's the only one in the group of friends that can't go. I'd probably decline and then take the girls out for a special afternoon the day of the party. Different classes/different friends is understandable and going to happen. But same set of friends, 1 is invited 1 isn't...that's hard

 

My girls are being separated this year and I fully expect them to be invited separately to parties. But in this situation, I'm also on the same page as the others...if it were all their friends, and one of my girls was excluded, I might keep the invited child from the activity. In all other cases, I would totally send the invited child.

 

No, I never told the girls about the party. I told the mom a week ago when she sent me the text that the one DD would not be able to come. I told her that I understand that they are two different people and sometimes one will be invited and the other not. But, that I didn't not think that my other DD would understand why she was not invited since she considered (her daughter) to be one of her best friends. Well, I just found out last night that the mom went up to my girls and said to them "don't for get about xx's birthday party tomorrow" REALLY???????? I was so mad. Now, that is all the girls keep talking about is going to xx's birthday party. Should I just tell them that one was invited but the other was not. I just wish I could explain how close these girls are. I just thought I had a couple of years until the cattiness started. I am starting to think it is more of the mom than the little girl.

 

Yeah, it seems like it's more the mom than the girls (cattiness). She sounds like a drama-starter. Maybe you should be glad you declined for your one girl after all

 

Honestly this is why I don't like having twins in the same classroom... you always end up having one of them hurt because they end up hanging out with the same people. Sorry it's happening to your girls... been there.

I would definitely decline. And split them up next year.

 

I would tell my girls we already had another committment.

Why would she say that in front of BOTH girls? I'd be tempted to call her on it. ardon: "My girls said you reminded them about the party. It was my understanding only soandso was invited. Since you reminded both of them about it, did I miss the invitation for the other?". Maybe she meant to invite both?? ardon: If not, then that is sort of catty.


Never mind, I just read your OP again and see she said she didn't want to hurt the others feelings. Yeah, that was mean to say it in front of both.

 

the catiness of the mom aside I see it that just because twins gestate together doesn't mean they're a package deal...

 

As a general rule, I agree with you completely, Amy. But I don't really see this as a twin issue so much. If my daughter has a group of 5 good friends that she hangs out with & plays with all the time, I would never plan a party & say she could only invite 4 of the 5. I get the financial constraints of parties, but I would either cough up the money for the 5th child or I would plan a different party, regardless of whether or not twins were involved. We have definitely had parties over the years where the whole class wasn't invited (I actually don't think we have ever had one where the whole class was invited), but I would never leave out 1 child from a group of good friends. That is just mean & hurtful and leads to needless hurt feelings. As for the twin thing, Lila is best friends with both girls in a set of identical twins & I just cannot imagine inviting one of them to a party & just saying, oh sorry, can't afford to have the other one. That would be stressful for Lila and horribly hurtful to her friends.

 

I agree with Tina. I think we all stated that none of us have an issue with separate friends and parties. Mine have been to several parties with out their twin. One party in fact, the little girl was friends with both, but only in one's class so only the classmate twin got invited. Since the parents had no idea they were twins the other wasn't even an after thought (it was an invite to the whole class). They swore the little girl said they were BOTH invited but I specifically said unless I hear it from the parent (and I wasn't calling), the other was not invited...and didn't go. This is a different situation regarding a very small group of friends and singling out one friend.

 

Yes, this is how I see it too. More of a friend situation than a twin one.

I can not imagine leaving out one friend of a small group of friends for an activity - twin or not. It seem mean and in no way could it end well in regards to the friendships between the girls.


As Michelle said-- I would say we had another commitment (and do something fun that day).

 

My girls were in separate kindi classes and more than once one was invited and not the other. In that case, given it was different classes different friends, we just took the other one to do something fun while the party was going on. I have had a parent tell me to bring the other along when I RSVP (twice now, actually).

In your case though, same class and all friends, I would decline for the one invited twin and just take them to do something fun that day.

 

I agree with the previous posters have said that you should probably decline the invite. I think excluding one, when both are friends with the student is very rude. Mentioning the party to them was not cool as well.

My Audrey was invited to a girl's b-day party and Clayton was disappointed but he was NOT invited and NOT in her class. She had invited all the girls in her class. Turns out the mom did not know she had a twin. If she had, he would had been invited as well. When we did class invites for the twins' b-day party, we did same gender in their classrooms. This classmate of Audrey's brought a gift for BOTH! (Both their names/pictures were on the invite.) That was not expected but very nice. I did make a point of inviting the 'other twin' of all the twins in their grade.

 

Honestly, the whole situation breaks my heart. Like, I could TOTALLY feel your pain. Without a doubt, I would decline the invite for the one invited. We as adults may understand, but the kids don't and that is just...well, it's plain effing mean and heartless to do that (in this situation). And she had the audacity to say something to your one daughter in front of her sister knowing the other wasn't invited? WHO DOES THAT??? Ugh. Sorry, but wow. Some people...

This is why I did not put my name/number on the class list last year and won't be doing it this year. I don't need to be dealing with it and honestly I can't afford to have my girls both going to a gazillion bday parties every year. I just can't afford it. Sorry if that sounds mean or cheap, but I don't know any of these parents, and the parent I do know and have become friends with, my girls have BOTH become friends with their son/daughter because we have playdates with them after school/weekends, so there's no worry about both of my girls not being invited to a bday party.

 

The girls have had situations like this before and the other always goes to the party. I will just do something special with the other while the 2nd is at the party. Siblings that are not twins have these situations all the time.

 

These girls have the same friends. It's not the same at all.

I hope it went well and you managed to distract your girls!

 

I totally agree with Lou. Mine went to separate parties last year so I have no problem letting them do their own thing. But if all the other girls are invited and one of your girls isn't, I would just decline. :hug:

ETA: I just read the whole thread. I can't believe that mom would say something in front of both of them. Even my 5 years olds know that its rude and hurtful to make a big deal out of a party if everyone isn't invited. I would call her out on it too. I like what Michelle suggestes... clarify if both are now invited.. something like that. :grouphug:

 

My girls have the same friends too and are in the same class. It really made me think about what to do but I did end up letting the other go.

 

I don't know, I guess it depends on what you mean by 'friend'. These are good friends they hang out with a lot. Not just other kids from the class. There's no way I'd only let one go in that situation. You say that 'siblings that are not twins are in this situation all the time', but really they're not. If you think it's the same, I'm guessing your girls don't have common friends they are really close to, so it's really not the same thing.

My sister and I had 3-4 good friends in common when we were kids, and some kids we both liked more or less in our classroom. I wouldn't have cared if any of the other kids had invited my sister and not I. I would have been really hurt if our close friends had only invited her though. I think all situations are different and if OP was upset enough to post here, they're probably close friends.

 

My girls do have friends that they are both close to. They have been in every grade together except 1st. They have been in the same girl scout troop and done almost everything the same.

If a friend calls to have one spend the night (and they are both friends with the person) the one goes. I do not make a big deal out of it and certainly do not expect the parent to take both my kids for the night because they are all friends. I flip the situation into a positive, I will let the other have a friend over to play or spend the night. I hate seeing my kids upset but they also know that if one of them get to do something the other will get an opportunity at a later date.