Visitors after you give birth?

Hi everyone,
Just wondering what you are planning for after you give birth. With DD, MIL, FIL and BIL were waiting in the waiting room and came in probably less than two hours after I gave birth to DD (as soon as I was done getting stitched up and nursing her!! they were literally knocking down the door). FIL left and came back a couple hours after that with his daughter. The next morning the grandparents came...

The hospital and the first two weeks after we came home were an endless and exhausting parade of relatives (all DH's, because they ALLL live within an hour away) who came with zero consideration as to whether it was convenient for us or not. It's quite possible my mom will already be here when I give birth, which means she will already be at the hospital, see the babies, etc. I would like to put my foot down this time, especially with regard to the hospital visits, but don't want it to come across as me vs DH's family. I forgot, MIL's new husband with also be thrown into the mix this time around. GAAH!

Is it horrible if I say 'no visitors' till the day after I give birth?? Because that is what I would really like to do!! What are you planning on doing/did you do? I need some advice!
Thanks!

 

I'll do you one better- my boys were the first grandchildren and we live 1200 miles away. I put a 2 week hold on visitors! I knew I wanted to have it be just DH and I and I wanted to establish nursing without interruptions. People were a bit annoyed but I was firm and it was fine.

If I were you I would schedule a 'baby holding party' where all the relatives can meet the babies at once and you aren't bombarded with visitors. We did one with friends and it was a blast and not exhausting like a steady stream of people would be.

 

Boy do I remember what it was like after I had my boys! Never again! Put your foot down! NOW!

I went into the hospital. It was a scheduled c/s. My mother worked at the hospital where I gave birth. My MIL must have gone to work that day. I had the boys at 12:57 and 12:59 pm. I was in the OR until almost 2 getting stitched up, then I was brought directly to recovery. This is my first ever surgery/hospital stay. I was high.as.a.kite. And EXHAUSTED. Oh my lord I could NOT keep my eyes open in the recovery room. Could.NOT. In the recovery room-my mother in law showed up, my father in law, my mother, my sister, my sister in law. Granted-they didn't stay too long. I was able to rest. As much as one can with twinfants....

I finally am wheeled up to my room around five. Where-I have a welcoming committee. Now-the boys were the first grandchildren for the inlaws. Oh-and the family is all within 20 minutes of us....So-I had major surgery that day, gave birth to twins-and had a CONSTANT stream of visitors until 8pm!!! Now, I was excited-everyone was excited. It was : my parents, his parents, my sister, my sister in law, my godmother, her husband, my godfather, my mom's best friend, and dh's aunt. So from recovery room, to my room-I had visitors. Not two seconds of peace with my boys.

Fast forward to day 2-a CONSTANT stream of visitors from 12-8. I remember trying to get up to shower-and every time I did-someone else showed up! I was still high as a kite, and having a hard time remembering what baby was who(darn drugs!). Day 3-SAME THING.

Fast forward to baby #3. I was adamant about no visitors that first day(grandparents/aunts only). And-about my boys being the first ones to meet their new sibling. MIL/SIL took time off to watch the boys. MIL brought the boys to the hospital, and waited outside while the boys were introduced to their new sister. My mother met her, my father came after work(8 p), my FIL came after work, as did my SIL. And dh's aunt. Grr...But that was it. It was a lot better. I told everyone else to give me at least 24 hours. So all the other family members came in the following days.

All that to say-YOU are the parent. You make the rules. If anything-say you can have immediate family members and that's it. And you can tell the nurses-and they will tell the family members that they can not see you, that you are resting, etc. Don't feel bad putting it on the nurses! I'm sure they don't mind! Or-you can say you want to enjoy the babies, and would appreciate people coming to visit the following afternoon. Your birth, your babies, your rules. And don't be afraid to put your foot down!!!

Most of all-congrats and good luck!

 

Not horrible at all! You need the time to recuperate & bond with your new babies. It's not a want but a necessity. With Emmett I started talking early on in my pregnancy about how I wanted a babymoon this time & that I wasn't planning on getting out of my bed for the whole first week. I just made it clear that I was planning on taking it really, really, really, really easy after he was born. And that seemed to do the trick. The only people outside of my birth support team who came to see us that first week were my MIL & FIL and that was because the girls stayed with them for 4 days after Emmett's birth but they brought them to our place each morning to have them here & getting to know him. I would nurse Emmett in the bedroom & then hand him off to DH & sleep. He took care of any "entertaining" that needed to happen (which wasn't much since they were his parents ). We also had a PP doula who ran a lot of interference for us for those people who just "dropped by". She would thank them & explain that me & Emmett were sleeping but she'd let me know that they had dropped by. Friends who emailed or called I just let them know that we were taking it easy but we'd love to have them by for a short visit the following week. :good:

Figure out what you want/need & then figure out how to set that boundary - get your partner on board. It won't hurt anyone to wait a day (or more!) to see the new babies.

 

The day the twins were born my parents, who drove 5 hrs to see them, were there and the boys father's Mom was there. I really wanted no one but my mom and dad, but at lest my Ex MIL was fairly "normal" that day. I had the boys on a Friday morning, so on Saturday my Grandfather drove in to see them as well as my 2 aunts and great aunt, and my parents. His side of the family came up on Sunday, nieces, nephews, brothers, parents and SIL. My mom is the one that stayed with me at the hospital over night. Had I had it my way, his side of the family is very pushy, only my parents would have been there. Do what YOU feel is necessary.

 

I agree with PPs - protect your babymoon!

We were in hospital for a week, on the day after the birth my parents came for an hour, two days later my parents-in-law drove 3 hours to spend an hour with us and then drove back the 3 hours. No one else asked to come and no one else would have been allowed to come. After we went home I asked for no visitors for the first six weeks or so, the only exception were my parents who came to help half a day a week and the future godparents of the children who came for an afternoon. The rest of the family was introduced to the babies at the baptism when the babies were 10 weeks old.

It did not cause hard feelings in the family, but some of our friends were not happy at the time.

 

I had the same thing happen with my twins, a zillion visitors showed up! It's nice that everyone came, but at the same time I was in no mood to entertain. With baby #3 I told my mom and dad when I was being induced. My mom made the three hour trip to stay with the twins while I was in the hospital. I made my husband swear he wouldn't tell his parents because I knew they would come down uninvited. We kept visitors to a minimum over the first few weeks. It was such a relief!

 

If you don't want visitors, speak up! It is so completely overwhelming and I was a mess of nerves because of all the people who came.

Our girls were born by emergency C section at 30 weeks at a hospital two hours from home (we were medevac'd). Despite the distance and my girls being in the NICU (and Samantha recovering from surgery) we had my MIL, FIL, sister, mom, and dad present at the midnight birth. Over the next two days my three best friends came (they were invited), three couples that lived in the area (uninvited), my SIL and her husband, and a college buddy (uninvited) show up. I was in pain, my girls were so small, and I was so exhausted by the visitors. Especially hard was explaining that the NICU isn't just a younger baby nursery- it is an ICU. Everybody wanted to see the girls and I finally had to just say no. Ugh.

If I had it to do over, I would just tell everybody to wait until we were discharged. The worst part for me was that all those people came and crowded my hospital room, but during my three weeks at the Ronald McDonald House (alone, hubby was back at work) nobody came to see me. I could have used a friend more during those weeks than any other point in my life.

 

Thanks everyone. Sometimes you know you are right but just need some reassurance. I told DH today that nobody can come to the hospital till we say they can, and am leaving it at that. I don't think there is any way to tell everyone not to come but at least this way the parade will be somewhat under control and we can easily say no visitors till tomorrow or something like that. Now I just need to figure out what to do about all the visitors when we get home. Maybe I will pull the immune system card and do one quick visit with everyone like someone suggested. Ugh so not looking forward to dealing with this.

 

You can also leave a note on your door that says something like "Thanks for visiting! Mom & babies are sleeping right now so we can't come to the door. Please give us a call & we can arrange another time." Then don't answer your door. :good:

 

That is why I love the hospital I had Easton at- the door to L&D was protected by a desk with a receptionist and no one got by her without consent from me. They also had a no visitor rule between 12-2 p. It was nice! Also you can tell the nurses you don't want visitors and they will be the " bad guys".

 

That's what we did for our first birth. We had two visitors (SIL and her daughter) the day after and it was wonderful. Second birth was at home, and not a single person bothered me since I was ordered by my midwife to stay in bed and bond with DS for two weeks. Nobody dared invade my bedroom. It was awesome.

This time, I'm not sure what to expect. All of our families are on a completely different continent, and nobody is planning to come until months after the babies are born. As for friends, I don't think I'll have a problem putting my foot down - I am going to need a good two weeks to start getting used to breastfeeding two babies, letting my two sons get used to having two new siblings, and a million other things. I don't care who I offend - my sanity and my family's happiness is far more important than letting someone hold a couple just-born babies. However, I do suspect that with lack of family nearby to help out, I'll be having ladies from church knocking down my door with food and offers to clean my bathrooms and such. Those visitors I will welcome with open arms.

My mom taught me the importance of time alone with the newest family addition when I was pregnant with DS1. I was so scared and convinced she needed to be there when I got home from the hospital, which she flatly refused to be. She said every new mom needs time alone to get used to the baby and she would not come visit for at least two weeks. Maybe some women do want to show off the new baby immediately, but in my experience, Mom was right. I wish more people would be as practical about it. Good luck!

 

Thanks everyone! That's another thing I'm struggling with- is it ok to let the helpers in and tell the people who just want to hang out to go away (lol)? I guess I'm not in a typical situation because my husband is one of the rabbis at our synagogue and while I expect many people from the community will want to help out, I'm sure there will be just as many who are going to want to come over to 'see the babies'. If one baby is a boy we will be doing a circumcision and the whole community will be invited, so hopefully the 'just to visit' problem will be mitigated, but if they are both girls I will have a big problem on my hands!! Either way, that still leaves the problem of DH's family, who will feel entitled to 'family time' to see the babies. And I would feel REALLY guilty telling DH's mother or grandparents (the babies' great-grandparents) 'Don't come over for X amount of time.'

Sorry to keep dragging this out, but I'm really not sure what to do when I get home from the hospital. I really don't want to go through what I went through last time (MIL and FIL separately, plus two sets of grandparents, dropping over constantly and being completely inconvenient) but I don't want to be rude.

 

That's just it though. It's not rude to clearly state your needs & boundaries. They may take issue with it but then it's *their* issue. I guess you'll need to decide which is worse for you personally - the unhelpful visiting or the possibility that they may be hurt about not getting to see the babies on their schedule? Then you'll know what to do. :hug:

 

I agree with this approach. I know it is contrary to common advice but once DH was back at work I needed to be alone with the babies to get to know them, to figure out their personalities and needs, and to find my feet as a mom. Up to a point that included coping with basic household chores too, although I did not refuse offers to go shopping, drop off a meal or other help that did not mean having people in the house. My parents came over for an afternoon once a week, that was it. It was hard but I believe I became confident as a mom going through these weeks and it also made DH see from the beginning that his involvement and help was essential.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with having hold on visitors until the day after the children are born. You have to do what you feel is best for you and your babies.
In your situation, I think the baby holding party/get together might be a good idea. That can be for the people who just want to see the babies but have no intention of helping. And those who wish to help, you and your DH could work out a schedule with them. After our twins were born, we had several offers of help but they all made sure they did not overlap. Our twins were our first and last though and as newbie parents we took all the help we could get. Good luck!

 

My parents and my MIL were at the hospital when the babies were born via a scheduled C-section and were actually waiting in my room when I got there. I was still totally knocked out from the surgery and the nurses realized this and asked everyone to leave for awhile while they got me settled. After that it was a steady stream of family while in the hospital. It wasn't bad, but my nurses were great at recognizing when I was tired/overwhelmed and would ask people to leave for a while so DH and I could have time withe the kids. Do what you are comfortable with in terms of visitors and hopefully people will respect your wishes. If they don't, let the nurses be the bad people and kick them out. Once home, people were very good about calling before coming over to see if it was a good time. Good luck.

 

I like this blended approach. There are websites where people can sign up for what they'll bring and when and it'll email them a day before to remind them.

 

Thanks everybody. I am definitely not going to have anybody at the hospital till I say so, I'm going to be firm on that for sure. KJS I think I would have had a heart attack in your situation!
As for when we get home, I think I'm going to take a few ideas from here and do one family thing and then make everyone hold off for a few days plus hope there is a boy and a brit to deal with the community issue, and get someone else to coordinate the help. Here's hoping it all works out!!!

 

I love the idea of having a calendar to organize everyone. Although it seems overwhelming right now, you'll probably really appreciate a steady stream of meals and help once the babies arrive. If you can just organize ahead of time so that people are bringing meals and maybe have an assigned chore to help out with, you'll be in great shape! Maybe you can talk to someone at the synagogue about organizing that, I am sure that people would love to help you feel comfortable.

I also agree that having some space those first few days is a good idea. You should not be expected to entertain anyone and there's so much adjustment going on.

 

I'm glad to see I'm not alone in feeling this way about visitors! When we had dd, it was non-stop family coming by and I was exhausted. I was mad at my dad because I had told him that only he, my mom, and my in-laws would know when I was in the hospital having the baby. He was so excited when he found out I was in the hospital in labor that he called my aunt, who called a ton of other relatives.

I just felt obligated at the time to entertain everyone coming in. And I felt rushed, as silly as that sounds. To hurry up and have the baby because there were visitors waiting. I think dh and I had about an hour or so alone with our dd before letting our parents into the room, then everyone else.

I spoke to the nurses about the constant visitors, and they put a sign up on my door that said "no visitors at this time". We even did it at home, put a sign on our front door. I felt bad because at the hospital, my younger brother showed up and left because he saw the sign, I would have let him in had I known. And at home, my mom also stopped by and left when she read the sign. The sign was mainly meant for non-immediate family. I AM putting my foot down this time, from the beginning. I remember laying on our couch SOOOO TIRED and laying my head on the pillow, that pillow felt sooooooo good I was ready to just doze off for a nap because dd was napping. As soon as I layed down, there was knocking. It was my second cousin with her husband and two daughters. I am grateful that people care and want to meet my babies, but I'm not going through all that again. I was thinking I may even announce something on fb, about when we'll start letting people come visit the babies. Good luck with however you handle it!