Becoming a stay-at-home-mom

This is something we've been talking quite a bit about. DH is the one who really wants it more than me, he says it'd be great if I could just stay home with our kids (I'm 29 weeks pg w/ boy/girl twins and we have a 3 1/2 year old). One of my main worries, and I don't mean to imply that SAHM's are like this or any disrespect, but I worry I will eventually lose myself, if that makes any sense. My identity as who I am right now, if I'm just home all the time. I am a hairstylist and like what I do, although there are plenty of days I am frustrated with my profession! I've just always worked. I started working when I was 13 and always liked earning my own money. I also realize though, that these are my babies and they will only be little for so long, I want to be there and be the one taking care of them the majority of the time instead of a sitter. Right now, my mother-in-law watches dd and I can't stand the bad habits she picks up over there, they let her get away with so much and I'm left dealing with it. There's other things that bug me, but that's a whole other thread! I do trust her very much though, with the well-being of my kids.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is what made you decide to go ahead and quit your job? Are you happy you are home full-time? Do you feel like you don't have enough adult interaction? I've considered just going into my shop twice a week, but don't know if the owner will be ok with that. I'd like to do something on the side if I can, I just imagine it's going to be very very hectic and busy having twin babies. The thing with doing hair is that you get your clientelle built, quitting and then starting up in a couple of years or so I'd have to start from the very bottom again, and my skills will get a bit rusty. Right now, since we have moved back to our hometown and I'm at a different shop, I don't have hardly any clients still. I'm SLOWLY building myself. So I wonder if it's worth staying, even for a couple days a week....

 

I have no good feedback on being a SAHM because I'm not one, but there are many incredibly intelligent, fun ladies on here who stay home with their kids so I'm sure they can tell you how they stay so fabulous.

As far as the side work, though, I do have an idea! My girlfriend's hairdresser works full time in another industry (insurance, of all things) and cuts hair at night. She has a group of 15 or so women who get together in groups of two or three at one home, then the hairdresser comes over with her supplies and does kitchen haircuts! It's genius! She makes a killing by keeping her rates comparable to a salon (the up-sell being that it's at home instead) and she does the full range of services. I think she carries everything with her in a thirty-one bag- dyes, scissors, etc. Apparently she'll do some waxing as well. The girls just email with her during the week leading up in case she needs to pick up some extra supplies.

I'm telling you, if it wouldn't be cost-prohibitive to go back to beauty school, I would totally do this.

 

Hummm where do I begin... when we found out we were having twins we discussed it at length what I would do, but I wanted to really decide when the babies got here to see just how I felt about it all. Day care is just so expensive and to have someone else raise my kids for these precious years was a huge turnoff for me...so I considered staying home. Also, the thought of getting everybody up, fed, dressed and getting to work at a reasonable hour and functioning sounded exhausting on everyone. At the end of the day we would have made a couple of hundred dollars a week after day care costs, the kids would be home for a short time in the morning, and then in the evening with enough time to play, eat, bathe and go to bed. So their lives would be come just as hectic as mine. I would be working all day, then all night too to catch up on lanudry, dishes, meal prep, etc.
Bottom line...I decided to stay home. I offically left my job about 10 weeks after they were born and have been home ever since. My boys are 17months. I miss the people, I miss the pay check, I miss using my brain on a different level...but I would miss these kiddos even more if I had to leave them 40hrs a week. I consider myself extremely fortunate to be able to stay home. Don't get me wrong, there a plenty of days that I count down the hours until DH gets home, or bed time...but at the end of the day/week, I am so happy I get to spend this much time with them.
On the other hand...I do feel like I have lost a bit of myself. I used to workout 6x/wk. I used to be held accountable for large projects at work in which I applied my hard earned college education. It hurts a little writing those student loan checks each month knowing I am not applying myself in that regard...however, I will again in the future. I also recently joined a gym with child care..so I get away atleast 5 hrs a week to work on myself. In addition, have my mother come 1 day a week so I can catch up on errands, and make appts for myself for a bit more 'me' time.
Yes, I wear a ponytail everyday and am usually found in play clothes, but it just makes my new job much easier. I don't think staying home is for everyone and I NEVER imagined it would be for me, but am so happy I have the oppurtunity...best of luck in whatever you decide!

 

I have a friend who has 2 kids and she goes in a couple nights a week to do hair as well as doing hair for friends in her home. She really enjoys it because she can stay home with the kids and she gets time to do what she enjoys and gets adult conversation. She also enjoys doing hair out of her home because many of her clients are parents of kids that are her kids' age so it is a chance to visit with other moms while the kids have a playdate.

I have another friend who feels she is a better mom when she goes out to work because she feels she doesn't have as much to offer her child in the way of activities during the day as her dayhome provider. She also likes to be in the company of other adults and they enjoy some extras when she works.

I stay at home full time. I used to be a teacher, but I don't think I will go back until all 4 of mine are in school. I have 4 under 4 right now so daycare would take pretty much all of what I earn. There are days when I wish I could do something outside of the home but all of a sudden they will all be in school and I will wonder where the time went. Then I will go back to subbing and will have more time again for myself. If you find a group of other SAHM's you might enjoy it more because you can have adult conversation and still be with your kids and you won't feel so isolated. I feel lucky that I can stay at home with my kids, even though it can be so hard at times.
It is a personal decision for every mom and I can understand moms who want to work and those who want to stay home. Good luck deciding.

 

I thought when I got pregnant I'd bring my baby to work- it was a relaxed office and my boss' baby was at work. Ha! Not with twins! Probably my biggest deciding factor was my desire to BF. I personally didn't feel like pumping and nursing was an option I wanted to explore.

My Dh did not want our kids to go to daycare and would actually stay home with them as well- had he been able to lactate. :laughing:

So now with close to 3 under 3, I'm going to be home for awhile. My Mil is contemplating moving to be close to us to be a part time nanny, but I have many issues with her that you have with your MIL so I don't think that's going to work.

I think you have an awesome job to do pt work. As a mom, my stylist comes to my house fairly frequently. I stay sane by reading, getting out for an entire day once/month and now that my twins don't need ME as much, an activity (book club, next is knitting class). Another way to grow your business and keep sane is join a MOMs club or MOPs. Plenty of women can and will switch to you if you make it known you'll come to them or do hair playdates. I would even suggest that you do a free 4 week PP haircut for any of these women. With 4 week old twins I couldn't get to the salon but felt so yucky from being a new mom.

 

For us, we decided I would stay at home with the kids, before we even had kids. I love kids. For a time I wanted to go into a daycare type business. I quit working when we had our oldest, who is now 9. I worked very very very part time from the time he was a year, until he was nearly 2, because my inlaws pushed me into it....only because THEY wanted to raise my kids. Long story short, that's how their boys were raised, by the grandparents, and they thought that now it was their turn to raise their grandkids. I disagreed. I haven't worked since.

For me, being a mom is a big part of my identity. It's not for everyone, my sister says she'd go crazy staying at home all the time. However, I do still have friends, I joined a MoM's club shortly after I had the twins, I'm also part of another Playgroup in our area. We try to go out once a month on a playdate and once a month on a mom's night out. I've invited friends over to our house to play. I get out by doing the grocery shopping or any other errands that need to be done. I wanted to be able to raise my kids myself, with the values that DH and I chose, and I wanted to be there for every milestone when it happened. That was our decision together. And so far it's worked out perfectly I'll have to go to school once my twins are older and figure out what I'm going to do after kids, but that's okay, I have no problems waiting.

I think you are probably in an ideal profession to be able to work part time. As others suggested, maybe not out of a salon, but out of your house, or travelling to other's houses. It may even work out better for you this way!

 

I was also going to say that the woman across the street from me is a stylist and she left the salon world to stay home when her second was born. She cuts hair in her house and does hairstyles. I live in Mexico (I'm guessing from your username your latina?) so it should be no suprise to you she makes a killing on the hairstyles for parties and little girl's school events. Whenever my girls are in a dance at school I have her do their hair. Not only is it way better than anything I could do, but they sit still for her and they never do that for me. I also have had her do their hair when we go to a wedding, baptism or other big party, and I know most of my neighbors use her for that sort of thing too.

 

Could I just take a little aside and say that working moms do raise their own kids? I hate that expression. No one else raises my kids.

That said, my stylist is part time, and I don't think it's hurt her at all. She's as busy as ever.

 

Thanks so much for your personal stories. Cjoy-That's pretty much what I have been thinking, that I just need to wait til the twins are here to make the decision, to get a feel of how it's really going to be.

I really like the idea of doing hair out of my home, or going to other people's homes. I imagine it'd have to be haircuts and styles mainly, it just seems it'd be tough doing chemical services without a shampoo bowl. It's hard standing over a kitchen sink to get color completely rinsed from the hair. It'd also be nice to keep everything I make and not just 50%, or be paying booth rent. I just like being around my coworkers and being in a shop, I get the walk-ins as well. We'll see....maybe I'll do both! Things would be soooooo tight financially anyway if I stay home full-time, we can do it, but there'd be some major sacrifices!

Meximeli-yes I'm latina, and I know what you mean. A lot of those events are very big in Mexico. Everyone gets their hair done for just about every event there is! My parents have been telling me to put up flyers at the Mexican stores in town advertising myself. I just need to actually do it!!

 

I just want to add, I have NO regrets about becoming a SAHM, but I definitely had an adjustment period and that was a little bit tough- it was hard to see DH leaving and going and doing when my days seemed to stretch out endlessly. But that was when my DD#1 was born and I imagine it will be a little bit having TWO infants around lol.

That being said, it does sound like you have an ideal job for part-timing or working privately. Especially if you are just getting started in a new place, maybe you can prep your clientele that you will be leaving but would be thrilled if they 'followed' you.

 

I have to say that with my singleton son i decided to go back to work 8 weeks after he was born and i ended up missing SO much of his very firsts. When i was pregnant with the girls i kept asking my husband if i should quit. I wasn't happy there and after 6 years really haven't moved up anywhere as there really isn't anywhere to move to. I have actually been on maternity leave and am going to back about the first week of January. I have decided though that i will go back only for a few months and then im going to quit. We can't afford day care and we are actually going to be paying a friend to watch the girls a few hours a day while my son will stay at home with my MIL. If my MIL could take care of both babies and my almost 3 year old we would have her but that would be WAY to much on her. I am excited and nervous to quit. But i have enjoyed being a stay at home mom so far. There are things i have gotten to wittness and i love the fact that the girls recognize me right away when i had my son my hubby stayed home with him so he is a daddy's boy for sure. Don't get me wrong i worry sometimes about my sanity but luckily i do take time right now for myself and my hubby helps on the weekends.

 

Thank you.

 

I have stayed at home since my oldest who is 3 was born...I have 4 kids under 4 so no way would I ever make enough to pay for daycare...but we have NEVER considered it anyway. NO WAY would I put my kids in daycare at these young ages. I Love being a stay at home mom...I love raising my own kids...If they were in daycare they would spend more time with them then me and I can't stomach that.

I do not think I have lost any part of myself I am still the same exact person...I have grown as a person for sure and my kids teach me way more then I could ever teach them. There are a ton of different things you can do to get out and meet other parents and to get your kids out there. Meetup.com is great to find playgroups, your local MoMs club may have playdates (ours are weekly), and you could always check out MOPS if you have one in your area. Before it got cold we were going to things 2 or 3 times a week..plus getting out and going to the store and things. There are also a TON of blogs out there with kid activities...I never run out of fun neat things to do with the toddlers. I spend 6 days a week alone with my kiddos....it is a LOT of work being on with them full-time...is there times I think to myself how much easier it would be if they went off to daycare so someone else could take over and do some of the raising...ya but I would miss out on way to much of the good stuff.

In your line of work you have a wonderful oppertunity...you can really chose to work a little on the side or even part time in the evening or something like that. I like the idea of going to other moms houses...I haven't had my hair down since the boys were born. I would hire you!!

 

That is the part I want to avoid. I just feel like if they are in daycare and I'm working full-time, they would spend just as much time (if not more) at daycare or with a babysitter than me, and I don't want that. My MIL was the one to discover dd getting her 1st tooth, and that still bugs me today. I want to be there for those little things. It's just a tough choice for everyone! I don't think it's as easy these days being a SAHM, seems like moms get criticised (sp?) if they go back to work or if they don't. I've had comments made already about staying home, that I am giving up my career and who I am, stuff like that. I guess you just got to go with what works with your family the best.

 

You are exactly right. There is no universal right decision. Only the right decision for you and your family. I jut wish we could have this type of conversation without judgment on either side.

 

No one is judgeing...just stating how they feel and why they do or do not SAH.

 

Not buying it. You made a point of talking about how you wanted to raise your own kids and would NEVER put them in daycare after I politely asked people to remember that working moms raise their own kids. I could make judgmental statements about SAHMs too, but I don't because it isn't appropriate or correct either way. You can talk about your choice without using language that has been pointed out in this thread to sound judgmental. You are actually the only person on this thread who I think is intentionally being judgmental. Everyone else posted before I made my comment, and I'm sure it didn't even cross their mind. You made a conscious choice. It says more about you than me, but there you have it.

 

I am sorry i didn't read all the comments...my computer was locking up...I just replyed honestly...I have had many conversations about SAHM both before and after having kids and this is how me and my DH feel. Others do not feel that way and that is great...I know their are wonderful day care centers out there and we have used them in the past for our older foster kids. Do I think personally that my daycare providers would be helping raising my kids of course...how could they not? They would be with them for hours and hours a day....That is why you have to be so careful to find a provider who believes in your parenting style. For us we want to be the ones who soleing guides or mentors or kids at this age. And it is very TRUE we would NEVER put our kids in daycare(at this age range)...how is that offensive when it is the truth for us...I never said NO one should ever put their kid in daycare because it works for some...doesn't work for us. You seem to be taking it personally and I am sorry but like you said parents parent different and make different choice and have different views on things.

 

Just want to mention that I'm not judging anyone, and when I made the comment about raising my own kids, I meant that *I* wanted to be there for everything. Every moment. Every second most of the time. I didn't mean working moms were foisting their kids off on someone else I know with my sister, her babysitter did the majority of the potty training. The babysitter saw her kids first steps. That sort of thing. That's undeniable, there's a very good chance, being a working parent, that you are going to miss something. You also have to be sure your babysitter/daycare follows a similar parenting style to you, or you are constantly going to be at odds, your child may be allowed to do something at daycare that you don't approve of at home. These are some of the reasons we chose for me to be a SAHM mom You definitely need to do what's going to work for you and your family and what you are comfortable with!

 

I never planned to be a SAHM. I was a teacher and since part-time teaching jobs are few (at least around here), I always assumed I would go back to work full-time, either after 12 weeks, or maybe take one year off. But I ended up quitting teaching and going back to grad school before the kids came along, and now I am back in school part-time and home the rest of the time. I am SO glad that I have been able to be at home with my boys so much now. We have a friend of my SIL's who is wonderful with them, and keeps them on my class days, so they stay at home and not in daycare. I am very happy with how things are for us right now.

Had I not been doing grad school, though, I would have really, really needed something else to do other than just being home because I get bogged down and overwhelmed after awhile, especially when there's nothing to look forward to (meaning I know that there are at least a few days a week I get to leave the house and do things for me, and not just for or with the kids). And I know lots of people do it, but now I can't imagine trying to balance full-time work with the kids - my hat is truly off to WOHM's with kids of all ages, and especially those with really young kids!

With being a hairdresser, you can basically set your own hours, so maybe the right balance for you would be to work part-time, or evenings like some of the others have suggested. I would think you could work something out that would feel like the right balance to you. If it doesn't feel right for you to work full-time, then explore the options for working part time or staying at home. There is no one right answer, so you have to find what works best for you.

 

I assumed you had read all the posts, so I took your post as deliberately making a point and a point directed at what I had said. I apologize for the mistake and my reaction. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM, and of course daycare does assist me in the process of raising my children. I just always bristle at the "someone else raising my kids comments."

 

Interesting how people's wording can shift the tone one way or another. We do not use daycare only because for us it was cost-prohibitive, but I am the one who works and my husband stays home. When women stay home it is referred to as raising their kids, but when people refer to him they often talk about him "watching the kids" or babysitting. Hello, they are his kids too and he is raising them just as much as I am. I also work long shifts and thus only have to work 8-9 of them a month, so we are often coparenting and get a lot of flack for that (they think my husband has it too easy and isnt doing anything because when I have a day off I assume the "typical" mommy role). We all find the balance that works for us. I initially had more of a traditional schedule and when the twins were born I reevaluated and found something that worked for us.

 

I went back to work 12 weeks after my twins were born. That time I had no choice. My husband lost his job. And to be honest, I didn't like my job that much. Everyday woke up and went to work were huge efforts to me. When they were over 1 yr old, my husband went back to work. I thought about quoting my job and staying home. But I didn't. I found new job. And a lucky star shined on me. I make double now and work from home. I hire my old close friend to be their baby sitter. She is awesome with kids. He watches them when I work. They totally love her and she loves them. I totally love what I have now, love my job, love to spend time with my kids.
The reason I never quit my job even I hated it, was I couldn't let it go. I came to this country 12 yrs ago. I worked 2 jobs through college. I worked from the bottom to the position I have now. I just couldn't throw my career away just to be stay home mom. And the most important reason was I was not born to be stay home mom. It's very different if you think you have a job or a career.
I plan on sending my kids to daycare 2 days/week next yr after this winter is over. Daycare is not the best. It has good and bad things. Those good things are that kids will learn to blend themselves into community, new things, to improve their confidence,.. Many good things. Parents jut have to pick the best day area for them though. Good luck with your decision! There is no right or wrong with stay home or working moms. Just make the best decision for you and your family.

 

Now it's a SAHM's turn to "bristle".

You couldn't "throw away your career JUST TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOM!!!???"

THAT is offensive. BIG TIME!

I generally just read these threads and move on but this one is something I have to comment on. Everyone is always real fast to correct people for disrespecting WOHM, but it's fine to degrade the SAHMs. I don't get that!

I don't care what anyone else does. Never have, never will. BUT.. I do despise comments like this. And I hate the fact that it's just accepted that people say things like this.

 

I dont think my post was offensive. I just stated my personal experience. Being a mom is very hard but wonderful. And its a very important part of me. But it doesnt make the whole person inside me. Working hard and achieving my dreams give me a huge satisfaction. And its a huge part of me as well. Without it, I wont be me anymore. People valuate things differently. There is nothing wrong about it. That doesnt mean I dont respect SAHMs. I respect people when they earn my respect, not because they are working moms or SAHMs. I have friends who are staying home with their kids. And we always stay good friends. lets face it we all have to sacrifice something to be SAHMs or working moms. So why do we have to look down on each others?