planing for their arrival

Since I delivered and lost one of our twins at 28w 4d weeks our last pregnancy; this twin pregnancy has been such a struggle with trying to decide when to plan and prepare for the new twins arrival. So, to play it safe we haven't done much and now I am on bedrest. I am now 3 weeks away from when I delivered last time and I am starting to feel anxious. Hopefully I have serveral weeks left but you never know and once you have been where I was then you always tend to think it will happen again.

A couple of nights ago I approached my husband with the notion of helping me pack my bag for the hospital and he wants nothing to do with it...cause it is too early! My thought is that we are 3 weeks away from last time, things have not much is different with this pregnancy except they are di/di instead of mo/di, and it was miserable being in the hospital without anything that I needed to make me feel a little bit more comfortable (if that was even possible). How do I get him to help me without "forcing" him to or being "the crazy pregnant" women?

Another challege I am facing is that I DO NOT want the hospital full of family/friends when I am delivering. For one I don't want the pressure of feeling like I have to entertain a bunch of people right away (husbands family is huge and doesn't understand boundaries) and I have a 2.5 year old son and don't want him hanging out in the waiting room for hours in the middle of the winter in a hospital full of germs. The dimielma is that my husband will not understand since he doesn't see it as a "big deal" AND his parents have helped us out a lot since I have been on bed rest so I feel obligated to let them come which means my son will be there too. Any suggestions? How did you handle these situations, I can't be the only one.

It is a shame that when have this idea of what we want things to be like and in no way will it be that way! This will be a scheduled c-section which I hate..but don't really have a choice so I can't even "catch them off gaurd"

Thanks for any tips you can offer!

 

I am sorry you are having such a rough time with all this, and given your circumstances, I think it is completely normal to have some anxiety. I know you say that he doesn't really want to hear it, have you explained to him why you need to get stuff done? Maybe write him a letter, sometimes it's easier to get out what we need to say by writing it down, even if you don't end up giving it to him. As far as visitors, I didn't want any either and most people get caught up in wanting to see the baby and forget about mom and having just given birth to a baby or babies and that we need that time for bonding and rest before mass chaos starts at home.

 

I see the main problem is your DH doesn't get why you want your bag packed nor why you don't want a bunch of visitors. As to the bag packing, I get it. You had a bad experience and would like to control what you can- whether you have your stuff or not. :hug: Can you call up a girlfriend who will come over & help you pack it? Assuming that your DH doesn't mind it being packed and is more in the camp of not wanting to do it? As to the visitors, I completely get that. I would broach the subject again and try to put it in terms he can understand. This surgery isn't just about the baby- it's about you & you do deserve to not have visitors or have as many or as few as you like. Perhaps a baby holding party a couple of weeks PP could be arranged- that way family gets to celebrate the babies yet you get to bond with them/establish nursing if you're going to. :hug:

 

I love Michelle's advice above, couldnt say it any better. :hug:

 

You might also check with the hospital about your son being able to be at the hospital. He might not even be allowed to be there. If your in-laws need to care for him then that would take care of them. I hope everything turns out the way YOU want it. :hug:

 

Ditto above posts ! And also just want to add, that I didn't want any visitors either, my compromise was that no visitors until Day 3 to give us time to recover and we told everyone well before delivery. Not sure how it sat with the IL's but DH respected that my decision, after all you are going through major surgery! We also said that the main reason for this was for mum and bubs have some quality time together especially as we wanted to establish breastfeeding and I didn't feel comfortable doing it in front of his family etc...

Babies ended up NICU and then that was a whole different scenario to deal with.... GL though and I totally get where you are coming from!

 

Thank you all for your advice! I am going to try and tackle the subject again this weekend when we have some time alone. It should prove to be interesting; I'll keep you posted!!!

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Having had a similar experience, I must say it was one of the toughest experiences in my life and has changed me as a person.

I don't think it's about playing it safe. It's just fear that holds us back from doing any planning.

I think this points to the differences between men and women. My husband was the same. It's so darn frightening for them to hope. They can totally be in denial because they aren't lugging around those precious babies and as such, can cut off emotionally whereas you, as the mother, can't do so.

Practically, can you have a friend/sister/mom come over and help you pack? Leave him out of it. I know with my husband, he refused to discuss names because he was so scared.

Regardless of how your husband sees this, you are the mom and as the patient/birther, have a right to choose whatever you feel is right for you. End. Of. Story. You can, and should be open and honest and simply say (or perhaps send an email) that this birth will be an emotional time for you and as such, you request very very respectfully that people give you your space and time that you deserve to process this experience at your own pace, with only the immediate family (husband, kids etc...). That you would love for everyone to see the babies and celebrate this long awaited event, but it won't do you any good to not have time to process the emotions surrounding all of this. I think if it's written well and clearly, people should respect it. And if they don't, well then, they don't deserve to be there IMO.

As an aside, the anxiety I experienced was so great and someone on TS recommended acupuncture. It was a LIFESAVER for me. I went from having full blown panic attacks to no panic attacks. Perhaps see if you can do that. But make sure you use someone who specializes in prenatal women.

 

I also want to add that if his family is resistant to your request for privacy, you can put it onto the hospital staff by giving them strict orders not to allow anyone in until a specified time. They can say she isn't ready yet blah blah blah.

 

Oh, and I also want to add that every pregnancy is SO different and hopefully you'll be as pleasantly surprised as I was. The first time, I was on bedrest with PTL for weeks, on the terbutaline pump, and in and out of the hospital. I had a long, complicated and traumatic labor and delivery. The second time around, it was so smooth with no bedrest (except for spotting in the beginning), almost no major contractions and no real scares. Labor was fast, smooth and SO beautiful and surreal.

I hope you're as lucky. :grouphug:

 

Tonight I will broach this subjuct with my husband. We need to come up with a plan will work for both of us. I never did think about talking with the hospital staff about keeping people away until I say it is time. The problem I see with that is that the hospitals done here are pretty lax so the patient rooms are not locked behind doors and normally you do not have to check in at the nurses desk prior to. It is something that I am going to stongly consider.

I think that next week when my girlfriend comes over for our weekly lunch "date" I will ask her to help me get some things together for my hospital bag. I just hate to have to ask for something that my husband should be helping me with.

I understand he is scared and does not want to entertain the idea of the babies coming early but that is reality that we all have to face. I am like most of you and won't feel comforable until I have both babies safely in my arms.

Thanks again!

 

Update:
I broached the subjects on Friday night and we came to a compromise. Really the first time since we have been married that we have reached a compromise without one of us feeling totally jipped.

He is going to start helping me back my bag, hopefully this week. I am going to make a list so that we can just go off of it and I won't have to keep getting up.

AND....as far as the hospital goes we agreeded that whoever wants to be there for the delivery (in the waiting room) is more than welcome but NO ONE and that means NO ONE will be welcomed back to see us until I am ready. I think that he was able to see my point that I want the time to bond with the new babies before we get over powered with company. I missed the bonding stage with my first babies due to being swept off to the NICU right away. It was a great compromise since I see his point of wanting family there and he sees mine of wanting time to bond/nurse.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks for the support!

 

I'm so glad you had a talk and things seem to be working out.