46 months old. How many fits/tantrums normal?

People. I've lost it. Officially. My boys are bad. They do not seem normal to me.

They wake up crying about something. "Find my doll! NOW!" And if I'm in the middle of something (when am i not?!), it's FREAK OUT TIME!!! I mean, wIGGGING out. It's always always always always something. I'm not joking. I'm usually in tears by 8 am. No shi^. I don't know what is wrong with them. I really don't. One might be content but the other one is, in turn, in a HORRIBLE mood.

And the other thing is, they don't EVER want to do anything which I find odd.


This morning: "Do you guys want to go to this new splash pad/water park Mommy found? We can meet our friends there.."

Them: SCREAMINGGGGGGGGg guts out! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I want to go to the green park with Daddy..! " and wah wah wah all morning long.

My DH is like "Just take them! You're the boss.. blah blah." And while I appreciate that optimistic thought process, the problem is; they make me PAY the price for taking them. Throwing themselves down all over the place just FREAKING to the pt where people just stare at me as I sweat bullets.

I am honestly getting concerned over here. Oh and I should add, they are extremely smart. Like.. no kidding. That's part of it. But I'm soaked in sweat all day long just deflecting bullets from my kids! And I'm a pretty tough chick.

It doesn't help that i feel totally alone. Everyone else "appears" to have it all together. I never have. Ever.

New baby coming in 4 weeks. That's funny. SOB.

 

Oh and I need to add that IF we do stay home... it's horrible. They swang from my neck and just fight and freak out looking for stuff etc the entire time. We have gone out every morning and usually afternoon since they were newborns so it's not new to them.

 

It sounds like you need to step up the discipline. We all do at some point. And from what I've read the smarter the harder so I feel your pain. One of my DD's is way ahead of her sister mentally and physically--I don't think she is way above average but enough to where I thought I could talk to her more easily and don't laugh, reason with her. NO chance. She is still a child and there are discipline books out there that really do work! I know its hard to find the time, but not harder than what you are dealing with. :grouphug:

Your DH is right, you are the boss but all bosses need managerial training .

 

I agree with the discipline. I know my girls become out of control beasts if they think they are in control (if that makes any sense).

Your boys are probably yold enough to put together a chart with a schedule so they know what to expect and when, and then if they flip out there is a consequence.

What is their currency right now? For mine, its being separated from her sister. So if they start getting crazy I threaten to make them play in separate rooms. We also do time outs, and time outs for toys.

Good luck!

 

Okay. I totally agree with the discipline thing. How do I handle it when we're in public? What do you do about HORRIFIC public meltdowns??

 

I find it depends on a couple of different factors (whether I'm there alone or with DH, what it is we're doing, etc), but generally speaking, if it's a horrible melt down & nothing is working to calm them, I pack everyone up immediately & go home. No negotiation.

 

Depends where we are. I've done time outs in malls, stores, the car, at birthday parties, museums, etc. If it super bad, I will pick up and leave. Only once have I had to pick them both up and haul butt out. Now they know I mean business when I threaten it.

 

My kids couldn't care less if we leave unfortunately...

 

What do you do when they throw the tantrums? They cry they want you to find something, you can't do it right away, they start freaking out, then what? I would start with having some consequence for their behaviour at that point, I'd give them a chance to stop by warning that if they don't stop screaming by the time you count to 3 they will have x consequence. That could be sending them to their room and ignoring them until they calm down, losing a toy/something they like, or a reward system where they have a jar with beans/buttons in and if they have a fit you take one out, then at the end of the day they need to still have a certain number of beans in their jar to get a reward. This also gives you the option of adding beans back in for good behaviour. (Actually a good tip if you/they are really struggling with their behaviour is to start with a shorter time frame for earning their treat. So at first you give a reward at lunchtime and dinner or bedtime, after a week or two you can drop the lunchtime reward and just do one at the end of the day, then eventually move to one a week. You could start with say 5 buttons and they need to still have 3 in the pot at treat time to get the treat.) You could also do a combination-eg button jar plus being sent to their room.
The other thing that's really important is to praise them loads when they do behave. I know that when you're stuck dealing with a lot of challenging behaviour (and especially if you have two children switching off on behaving and screaming) you can easily end up with good behaviour being essentially ignored. Either because when one's being good you're busy dealing with the other one or because you're so relived to have 2 minutes without anyone screaming that you just want to sit quietly. Unfortunately that can very quickly lead to a situation where they feel they need to scream and act out to get any attention, meaning you have less time and patience to focus on them when they're are behaving, meaning they start misbehaving more and you end up in a negative cycle. So any time either of them does something good give lots of praise, you want to get into a positive cycle where they're looking for positive rather than negative attention.

Secondly if they freak out when you ask if they want to go somewhere then I would stop asking. Tell them where you're going that day at breakfast (you can talk it up the night before as well to try and get them more interested), then give them a warning 5 minutes before you leave. If, at any point, talking about it causes a tantrum then follow whatever plan/consequence you've decided on for tantrums.

Are there any activities they really do enjoy (at home or outside)? You said they're very smart, maybe they would like to have some more challenging tasks to focus on-number or letter work perhaps. There are lots of write-in activity books out there, it might be worth a try if you haven't already got some. Do you get a chance to do crafts with them or maybe baking or puzzles or board games, something focused and interactive like that might get their attention. Or perhaps you could find a class they will enjoy going to, you might be surprised at how children's behaviour can change for an outside adult with authority, and it could give them an outlet to burn off steam and be challenged.
Also if they are always loosing/not able to find things it could be worth re-arranging their toys. You could get a bunch of small boxes or baskets and have them help you sort the toys out into different groups. Then make a label (word and picture) for each box so they know where everything goes and they should be able to find things easier.

:hug: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Try to remember that even people who 'appear' to have everything together will have some area they are struggling with and stressed about. I hope things get easier for you soon. I'd also add that if imposing firmer boundaries and consistent discipline doesn't help and you truly feel their behaviour is way out of the norm it can't hurt to talk to your pedi about it. :hug:

 

As for the public meltdowns normally I would say the same as pp's; pack them up and leave. However if they are screaming because they don't want to be somewhere and you do then leaving is no good because it's just giving in to the tantrum. In that case I would take them to the car/stroller and strap them in their seat until they finish screaming, then go back to the activity. If you can't get to the car easily then I would take them as out of the way as possible and hold them, facing out from you, until they finished screaming. Sort of like a modified time-out.

 

Ditto this. Mine still have timeouts. They know I mean business -where-ever whenever.

At 5, we still have tears.

I would check ands see if they are getting enough sleep, snacks, etc. Also try a daily schedule. Giving controlled choices (milk or water?) ( park or outside?). We ,now, have each kiddo have a day (one gets even days and other gets odds) to pick movie, place to go, book, etc. It eliminated the battle for control for 80% of the time.

I also make sure I do a lot of positive praise so they know what they are doing right.

Yes, we have days....after all EVERYONE does! Being 34 weeks pregnant probably makes it 10x worse, but you may face a regression after the baby is born- just so you are prepared, it is very common and the biggest complaint of my preschool parents (behavior post new=baby).

 

I can totally relate. I feel like mine can be terrors as well and I blame myself for not being more strict with them this past year. I was so tired that I know I let them get away with too much, and obviously that was not a good thing. My husband was off this summer for 2 months so we tried to work on it and while we saw a big improvement in my daughter my son has actually gotten worse. He has always been the laid-back, "easy one." He had a major meltdown in public a few weeks ago. I was meeting up with my husband at the mall because he was returning a rental car. As I was waiting in the car with them they said they needed to use the bathroom. We were parked outside of Sears and I don't know why I didn't just go into Sears and find their restroom; instead I went right outside of Sears where I knew there was a restroom. The problem was, right outside of that restroom was the play area. He wanted to go there - BAD! My daughter did too but she was okay when I told her we couldn't stay and play. I tried to pick him up and he was pulling my shirt up, pulling my shirt down, hitting at me, screaming and shrieking like a banshee. I put him on the floor and he laid on his back & was pushing himself across the floor with his feet. I called my husband and told him to get in there asap and get "his kid". I barely held it together until I got to the car, where I started sobbing. If my husband wouldn't have been there I honestly don't know what I would have done because he was not going to go with me, or at least not without showing everyone my whole stomach & chest! Utterly embarrassing.

 

The others have good advice, but I just wanted to let you know that we got a nice reprieve when my girls turned four. It was seriously like they (particularly Amy) just woke up as a completely different person one day. It doesn't last forever, but it gave us a breather.

Also, don't underestimate the effect of the impending new baby -- I bet it's having a BIG effect on their behavior.

I don't know that I agree that it's rewarding their behavior if you leave someplace because they're screaming that they don't want to be there. It depends on where you are and why, but sometimes the screaming is their way of telling you that they just can't be doing what you want them to be doing at the moment. It may seem like rewarding them, but in a sense you're also rescuing them (and all of you) from a situation they just can't handle that day.

Which still doesn't answer the question of how to get a flailing, tantruming preschooler into a car or stroller. I've been in tears many times over that one. When all else fails, I remind myself that even the hardest day does eventually come to an end. :hug:

 

I will also add that you need to be consistent in your discipline. Once you set what the punishment is for bad behavior, consistently follow through with that punishment. It will be tough, but they will figure out quickly that you mean business. A pp mentioned it, find out what your kids "currency" is. That was a big thing for us. Timeouts did not and still don't work for my son, but if I tell him he is going to lose one of his stuffed animals if the behavior doesn't stop, that brings him around. My daughter is more affected by timeouts.

 

I completely agree with praise when they are being good too. It might be difficult in the beginning, but look for those little moments of calm and kindness and get super excited about them. Good luck!!!

 

Thanks girls. I'm taking a lot of your advice. I set up a time out room where they now know they will go. I'm also getting the fit to STOP before it gets too bad. So far, it has been better.

No. Taking them home would not be a problem for them. They'd like that. So, that doesn't work.

Oh and if I say something like, "You guys are not going back to Just Jump for a while. You were quite naughty." They'll carry on with this type of thing from the backseat... "And we can't go to Lookout Ridge, or the park, or Target.. or restaurants.. MOmmy will just cook at home from now on!"

You get the idea.

We do books and numbers and letters and all of that so I don't think they're bored. They're just very strong-willed!

 

Just wanted to let you guys know that they have strep throat! Dx yesterday and God only knows how long they've been feeling crappy but it NEVER fails that I post something on here and 3 days later--- illness. They're still no walk in the park but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better now. Thanks for all of your help!

 

I hope they are feeling better soon :hug:

 

YEP. THis is pretty much it except my husband is NOT there and it's just ME! Ugh! The thing I cannot understand is why we feel soo embarassed by it and why people stare like they've never seen a kid have a tantrum before? I mean, have tantrums not been going on since the beginning of time or have mine started a revolution? That's the part that guts me!! STOP STARING! It's truly not MY fault so don't make it harder on me, people! I swear. If people didn't gawk at us, I would just ignore it and carry on! It's the stares, shrugs, shaking of heads that gets me going!