new and scared

Hey everyone,

So glad there is this website first of all. And, I have scrolled through this forum and couldn't find anyone with my problem so I'm not sure if I can discuss it here or not...

My problem is I'm scared out of my mind, not excited as nearly everyone else is when they are expecting twins. The biggest reason I am scared is my fiance.

He has 2 children from a previous relationship that are 11 and 13. We have a daughter who is soon 4 years old. This past year we have had a lot of problems financially due to our tenant in the flat that we have below our flat not paying her rent for 6 months and the major problems I have had getting a job, being from England and living in Norway. I have tried applying for office work, shop work, care home work, you name it - Ive applied for it.

Then Thursday before last I found out I was pregnant and then totally by coincidence I had a gyno app for last monday and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant with twins. My fiance was really happy, jumping about but already I had doubts. You see, he travels every other week to work and when he is here he hardly works and has done nothing to promote the business so he doesnt have to travel anymore and when he isnt working he is avoiding doing anything and is invariably in bed asleep or doing other things in bed if you know what I mean. Whilst I am downstairs looking after our 4 year old. So you can see why Im worried about the arrival of the twins. I have tried discussing this with him and he just says you should have got a job and keeps blaming me for not being able to get one. Then says to me today "well if you had just kept your pregnant *** in England then my life would be much simpler" Which really upset me obviously (he means when I was pregnant with our 4yr old.)

He is sooo good and perfect sometimes and I said to him you are that person if you want to be and he said stop trying to change me and I said no, Im not, you have it inside you. He needs to grow up and face reality and stop acting like a teenager. Mum wants me to move back to England but I love him more than anything and cant imagine my life without him, let alone looking after 3 children by myself. Has anyone else had this problem?? need help please.

 

First I want to say congrats on your twins! I am going to tell you about my experience just so you know it can be done and you are not alone. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I was about 7 weeks along, it was around Easter of 2009, my oldest had JUST turned 1 in November, so he was still a baby himself. My now ex wasn't very supportive, he actually told me I needed to abort one of the babies. Anyway I obviously didnt, I thought about leaving, but decided to stick it out. We moved into a bigger place, our relationship got worse and worse. I ended up in bedrest at 24 weeks and felt completely trapped. I couldnt leave because I was afraid the traveling to my mom and dads, which was 5 hrs by car, would hurt the babies. So again I stuck it out. Once I had the boys, my baby B, William, was extremely ill at birth and ended up being readmitted to the hospital when was was 8 days old for 2 weeks. Scott never onced visited him, he was very mean to me and our now 2 yr old. He refused to help around the house, drank all the time and played his PS3 or XBOX. When the twins were 6 weeks old, I was holding Nathaniel he came after me to hit me. I had to tell him 3 times to back off. I made the decision then and there thst I was leaving. I contacted a lawyer, started packing and hiding stuff while he was at work, arranged emergency custody of all 3 boys, packed up and left while he was at work. I moved from Montreal to Toronto, so 500km. The boys were born Dec 4th, I left February 14th, but in those 6-7 weeks I did it ALL alone. My mom stayed with William while he was in the hospital the first week, my father the second. I took Donevan to daycare and picked him up most days, and those that I couldnt my aunt did it for me. When I moved I moved him, and yes my parents help but the work full time, so I am home 99% of the time alone.

The reason I am telling you this is that IF you are thinking of doing it alone, which it does sound like, YOU CAN DO IT. I did it with a 2 yr old and 2 newborns and there are a lot of other girls on TS that have also gone at it alone. We are here for you to vent, talk too, ask questions about things. This is an awesome support system. Good luck in whatever you decide is best for you and your children.

 

Hello and welcome to TS! I'm not sure that I have anything that will be useful to you in regards to your situation but I can tell what I've been through in the past.

At the moment I'm 33 weeks pregnant with twins and am married happily for the past two years BUT 11 years ago, I had my daughter by myself living away from all family and friends.

It was hard especially as I still loved her father at the time and didn't know how I would manage, but through support groups, on the internet and in RL, counselling, I managed. My mum and dad weren't happy with me having a child out of wedlock so I didn't have any support from them at the time either.

Anyway to cut a long story short, through sheer determination and my parents turnaround after she was born, I ended up moving back close to them and I don't regret it - in fact it helped me get over him as well because I wasn't near him anymore and in a different country. I didn't have to 'bump' into him IYKWIM and see what he was up to all the time.

I think you're right in saying he needs to grow up and accept responsibility, he does! It doesn't sound like he's ready to face it though and as much as you would like to bang him over the head with it, unfortunately it doesn't work and just makes you more stressed, something you definitely don't need with these two little bubs growing inside you.

I can totally understand the financial stress as I wasn't working when I fell pregnant with the twin this year and will definitely not be able to now with the bubs coming and childcare being so expensive, so with just one income coming in, it's been stressful at times. But the Australian Government are pretty good with giving parents a 'baby bonus' so at least I know for the next 6 months we'll be alright.

Do you get any benefits from the Norwegian govt, even though you are from the UK? I have a friend from Norway and she said that they are very good to new parents? Also have a look at what support groups are out there for new parents in your local area.

I've been buying just about everything second hand on ebay mainly and I have so many things now which are either new or almost new, that I've got at a fraction of the price!

Anyway, I hope this helps in some way at all :hug:

 

Thank you so much guys, it helps to know that you guys care to reply. It is really hard because I believe that he is the one for me and always imagined us growing old together but as I said, he is just blaming everything on me. I cant imagine my life without him and the thought of him being with someone else tears me up inside....on the other hand, there has to be a limit and even if I said to him right you have to change or I'm leaving, he would just say leave.

Slipper, he hasnt gone to hit me or anything, just gets really angry and claps in my face and stuff like that, but maybe if I got in his I dont know, maybe it wouldnt go so well. Im not a confrontational person but these hormones are making me get angry really fast (feel sorry for my daughter, keep snapping at her). You are one brave and strong woman, you should be very proud, he was obviously a complete loser. My fiance is a Chiropractor if you can believe that, very responsible at work, great with his patients, great with just about everyone but me, I always get the worst side.

Twinkler, yes the norwegian government will give me approx £6000 for the twins but I have to give birth to them here. Then I would get child support but thats only maybe because if I moved back to England I'm not sure I would be entitled to that. They also have a good benefit system for single mums but again, if I move back to England I dont think I would get that and they are not nearly as generous there. But he might even help me get around that to make sure that I had enough money for the kids, he means well but just never follows through.

I dont know what to do....I will keep you updated! thank you again xxx

 

No worries Claire, make sure you keep us updated with how you're going.. I'm finding this forum so useful and helpful, I'm pretty new here and I love to check in and feel part of the community...

 

I want to :welcome: you to TS and give you a :hug:

This situation is not ideal, clearly. What I guess I'm confused by is this: He wants you to be his wife (you are engaged) but live in another country (England) so his life can be simple? :huh:

Twins are not simple nor easy, I'm afraid. I suggest both of you get to a counselor ASAP to work through both of your roles before the babies are born. Or at the very least start discussing how you'll both handle the babies and your older child.

Whatever you decide to do, we'll be here for you. :hug:

 

I second that!

 

I third it!

 

He wont go to a councillor, has vetoed that idea. and says if I left then he wouldnt chase after me or basically do anything to change.

I havent spoken to him since Sunday, tried ringing him today but he keeps rejecting my calls. Have texted him numerous times but he wont reply, I know he is at work but it would only take 2 mins to send me a message. Been crying and rang my sister who said he is not worthy of our daughter and I and should treat me better. Im going to England for 3 weeks on Monday and she told me just to pack my stuff and come over and then think about staying. Just so scared.

Thanks ladies for your support.

 

Oh sweetie, that's terrible! I feel like doing :aggressive: :aggressive: to him! You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity!

Your sister is SO right and I am happy to hear that you are going over there to be near support - you need it right now!!! :hug:

 

It sounds like he wants you to take responsibility for ending the relationship. That way no one can say he ran out on someone who was pregnant with twins. I don't know the laws in Norway--if you leave does it make it easier for him to avoid paying support? Investigate all this before making a final decision. From your limited description it seems to me that for him the relationship is already over, he just wants you to do the difficult part of ending it. Go to counseling without him if you need to, and possibly see a lawyer (or whoever would handle custody/support in a case like yours in Norway). Get all your ducks in a row and have all the information you need before you tell him your decision. You didn't get pregnant by yourself, no matter what he says, and he does owe all three of his children with you at least financial support.

Remember: even if it is scary to go it alone, you would not be doing your daughter(s?) any favors by teaching them that it is all right for a man to treat a woman this way, even if he doesn't actually hit you.

Good luck and :youcandoit:

 

I think your right ruby...he always said I will never end it, if this ends it will be you that leaves me. He has been expecting it from the start which doesnt help, his ex was a cheating nightmare, and he had so many members of his family die that its almost like he is commitment shy....Im so tired now...just been stressing all day.

 

I am sorry, I know it is hard, but your sister is right. You can't make him into what he isnt or what you want him to be. I say pack some extra things and if you decide to stay, you dont have to go back to get your stuff right away. You can also take the important things and leave what can be replaced behind, that's what I did. Whatever you decide to do, we are here for you. Good luck and big hugs from Canada

 

If I were you I would stay with your sister for longer than he expects you too - and let him miss you. If he does then good if not, I would stay in England and hit him up for child support. I am so very sorry. I hope things straighten out for you guys.