tantrums! whining!

My twins are almost three. One of them is CONSTANTLY whining. From the moment she wakes up -- it starts with a whining, I'm huuuuuuuuuuuuuuungry. I want a cooooooooooookie. And on and on. Things that she knows the answer to will be no, she whines about. Then when she doesn't get her way, she continues to whine until it turns to screaming and tantruming. I get frusterated and have a very hard time keeping my cool and ushually end up yelling which I know is wrong. Afterwards I feel bad because she always seems so upset. She also constantly does this in the car when we are driving and it is impossible to get her something, like we set her up in a seat with a snack and drink she likes, but she breaks it the wrong way or dropps in then freaks out and we have to pull over -- but even when we do pull over, 30 seconds later something else happens or she wants something else that causes another outbust and again it's very frusterating and sometimes gets me yelling again. Or today for instance it was raining and we drove by a park. Even if it wasn't raining, the truth was our plan was not to go to the part today. The whole ride there was I wan't to go to the park - crying, whining and screaming and then later on the way back home, the same crying whining and screaming again.

I need suggestions on what to do when this happens - how to keep my cool and get her to stop the constant whining and tantrums and being ok with not getting her way -- it's like always asking us to do the impossible and freaking out when we say no. I have tried to ignore her but it is so hard!!
Anyone go through anything like this? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

I've had some luck with saying I don't understand them when they whine, please ask nicely. Or telling them that they're hurting mommy's ears, please ask nicely. If the answer is no to whatever they've asked and they continue whining or escalate to a tantrum, I'll tell them I've already said no, please don't ask again or you'll get a time out. And then I follow through.

As for the car, I tell them I can't help them, they'll have to wait till we get to where we're going & then completely ignore whatever tantrums ensue. Now, they're usually quite good at waiting till I can help them.

If I find myself losing it, I usually take a second to look at what's happening - usually I realize I've been trying to reason with them or argue with them to get them to agree to my point. Once I see that, I go back to a simple if you do this, then the consequence is this and leave it for them to make a choice. And follow through with whatever consequence I've set. I'm not adverse to explaining things to my children most of the time & assuming they'll be reasonable, but there comes a point when reasoning with preschoolers is like banging your head against a wall & only makes the overall situation more frustrating, so at those times, I just try to keep it simple.

Worst case scenario? I'm a big fan of mommy time outs! :laughing:

 

I remember when my girls hit this stage. Very frustrating!! I started saying, "no means no" I still do it to this day and now that usually squashes it. I know it is extremely frustrating, but I would just have to repeat...please use your words no whining, and no means no. I also used time out. If something was continuously repeated and I had already said no, then to time out they went. If time out didn't work, then taking their favorite toy most certainly did the trick. It's a hard stage, even harder for them to go through the consequences of learning what isn't allowed.

 

I just want to add that it's ushually just one who does this.. so I feel like I'm constantly yelling/scolding at one and not the other.. which also makes me feel guilty and I think they are picking up on it, like the one who ushually does not whine will also "scold" her.

 

I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing for siblings to scold each other. Sometimes peer pressure is a good thing. She has to learn, and sure you feel like crap constantly getting on to her, but sometimes that is just the way it goes. Just be sure to give her extra praise when she asks for something without whining. Positive reinforcement is often times the best thing for kiddos. If she begins to ask for things correctly or without whining then give an extra high five and then have her sister (or brother sorry don't know what your other child is)give a big hug and high five as well.

 

Whining is the worst!

Here's what I try to do to keep whining under control. It doesn't always work - especially if they are tired or hungry...

-I try not to give my kids things they are asking for unless they ask "nicely" - this means no whining and saying please. It has kind of become a habit for them so every request is now "may I please have xyz..." If they forget, I can usually raise an eyebrow and they'll say "please".
-I try to give them options - along the lines of "you can stop whining and we'll continue whatever fun thing we were doing/planning OR we'll go home (or I'll put the toy away, etc.)". When I do this, I make sure that I am ready and willing to carry through on the second option. This is surprisingly effective - maybe they'll get wise to me when they get older (they are 33 months right now).
-I try not to retrieve things for them when they are in the car - I just tell them that it's dangerous for me to reach back and get things while I'm driving. They don't realize that I could actually pull over and get something for them because I've never done it. The only time I stop for a toddler request while we're driving is if someone says they need to go potty.
-My DH will give them time-outs for whining. I used to do this when they were younger and it worked, but I don't do this as much anymore as I try to save time-outs for more serious things. (Plus time-outs are difficult to do these days by myself because the one not in time-out always wants to join the one in time-out because it seems fun and she misses her sister. So, I'm trying to get one kid to sit in time-out and trying to keep the other one out of time-out. Seems like too much trouble than it's worth sometimes...)

All in all, on days when everyone is rested and healthy, we have very little whining considering we have two almost three year olds in the house. On days when someone misses a nap or gets up too early, it can be non-stop whine-a-thon and nothing seems to help...

 

thanks for the advice. Again this morning, right away waking up to whining. In her crib before even going in, she whines, Wakes up whining, Does anyone else have this with any of their kids?

 

It is the age! 3 was really tough for us! I sooo remember the freakouts over every little thing, seemed like everytime I turned around to do something... Hang in there! Take a deep breath and a Mommy time out when you need to! This is a rough year and you will need to take some breaks from the kids if you can. It will help! It's a phase and it does get better!

 

Thanks for the advice. Is it the age or is it something I'm doing? I know I am not doing enough to help because I get frusterated myself. The strange thing is, one twin really does not do this much, unless she is feeding off her sister. Obviously she sometimes has her moments but for the most part is not whinie/tantrumie. Then her sister constantly whines - this morning between waking up and getting to camp at 9:15, she must have had at least 5 tantrums - a couple of which had us putting her back in her crib so she can calm down. It started with breakfast and being hungry in a whining way and not wanting what was offered.. even when we offer a couple things to pick from. Then picking something and after making it wanting something else ect ect ect. I think she whines, I react, which makes it worse, and too often just give her want so she'll stop/calm down, then she learns if she whines/cries hard enough, she'll get it. Then when I don't and just ignore her, or worse yell, I feel so guilty. Like why does she wake up every day in a bad/cranky mood? I feel bad ignoring her or yelling so early in the morning, but how can I better react when she wakes up whining then tantruming and continues throughout the day and after camp too?

 

So, I would say this is the crux of the matter right here. She's realized it's a powerful tool in her toolbox to get what she wants. The tough thing now is that to change it, it's going to get worse before it gets better. You'll need to really stick to your guns & be consistent - decide how you want to deal with whining BEFORE she starts up & then do it. For example, if she whines for something say "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you whine. Could you ask nicely please?" If she whines again, say "If you can not ask nicely, you will need to go for a time out". If she whines again, don't say anything at all, just put her in time out. Repeat as necessary. Obviously, it doesn't need to be this exactly, but whatever approach you pick, make sure it's simple & straightforward & something that you are going to be able to do a million times a day, because when you first start, she's going to push back. She's not going to believe that you mean it & will whine/tantrum longer & harder to see how much it'll take to get her way. Just keep going back to the plan. When you start to feel yourself getting angry/annoyed, just go back to the plan. Ideally, if you can do this when your partner's going to be around for a day or two, that's great because than they can take some of the brunt of it. Give it a few days & than evaluate if you're seeing improvement or not (don't just try it for a morning & think she's been in time out all morning, this clearly isn't working - at that point, you haven't even made it past the she's-testing-the-new-plan-phase).

As for why she's waking up cranky, it could be that she's not getting enough sleep, or maybe she's teething (unless she has all her molars already)?

For the breakfast issue, I would offer her two choices & let her pick what she wants. If she then chooses not to eat it, that's fine, she can eat at the next scheduled snack/meal time. Again, this is going to make things worse before it makes them better, but if you're consistent with it, she'll figure it out pretty quick.

 

Thanks I'm going to try something like that. I have tried stuff like that at breakfast and then she doesn't eat it and whines I"m hungry... I want a snack.. ect and I feel bad sending her to camp hungry, but I do put cheerios in her backpack so know if she really is hungry she has soemthing.. They are at camp now, I know this is something we need to work on, as it's a constant battle.

 

What about when she whines, for something that answer is no - like I want bubble gum for breakfast - do you say no bubble gum or no whining, and what about if doesn't whine and just asked nicely for bubble gum then you say no and she tantrums.

She whines about everything - sometimes about things she can have, like milk, and something things she shouldn't have. How do you deal with the whining, and on top o that when the request itself is not propper and will turn into a tantrum when you tell her she can't have it?

Sometimes if it's something she can have, we'll say so ask nicely, and she will and get it.

What about when it's something she can't have? Asking nicely for a bubble gum for breakfast won't mean I can say yes...

 

Good question. The way I deal with it is to get them to ask nicely first (sometimes we never get past the whining so they never get an answer :laughing. If they ask nicely, but I have to say no and it escalates into a tantrum, then I deal with the tantrum (in our house it's simply "Do you need to go to your room to calm down?" Usually the answer is no, but if they don't actually calm down, I tell them I will count to 3, if they haven't calmed down by then, they'll need to go to their room until they are calm. At that point, a lot of the time, they ask for a hug & that'll be enough to help them calm down. But if not, off to their room they go).

 

I think this age is just the worst. I feel like I sailed through toddlerhood, and now my guys are whining, throwing, willful monsters!! :gah: We manage the daytime pretty well, but bedtime is miserable. I've found the only thing that gets me through it is to get into a Zen state where I'm perfectly calm with no affect, no matter what they do. It's very tough, but being implacable and unruffled really makes an impression on my guys. Once they realize that the whining, crying, etc. is getting them nowhere, they do settle down. ardon:

 

Wow. how do you stay in the zen state through the whining/tantrums?

 

Drugs. Seriously, one day I was so tired and down (about a lot of things) that I just went through bedtime without reacting to anything; I just didn't have the energy. And they didn't fight me! So the next night, I just took a deep breath, tabled all of my frustrations, and focused on the task at hand. Of course, since my problem is bedtime, I know there is an end in sight, so this might work better for me than for you! Once I get them in bed, I can fall apart.