How to handle a five year old PITA!

Seriously, my son has become a handful. :gah: He's so lovable and full of hugs and kisses and then turns around and is unmanageable. He has started hitting, spitting and yelling at us whenever he doesn't get what he wants. His anger gets the best of him and he even tells us that he can't calm down (and he's usually crying) and he's so angry. When he behaves this way we put him in time out and we take away toys but it's only helping things for that minute... he then goes back to the bad behavior. I do praise him on his good behavior but all that is out the window when he gets upset about something. Quite frankly it's becoming embarrassing when he does it in front of others and it's ruining our days when we he gets all crazy. I'm not sure what to do... help a mama out!!!

 

We are dealing with a little bit of this from Tyler. Time outs dont work for the most part and just make him more and more angry. I try to be consistent and I dont give in to what he wants. It's embarrassing when we are out in public. I have googled it and gotten some good advice and I bought this book on Amazon just recently. Its got some good ideas for older kids, but I can tone them down and use them for what I need. HTH. You are not alone.

 

Thank you. :hug: I have been feeling very alone on this and like I'm failing him somehow. ardon: I will definitely look into getting that book, I will take any help that I can. :good:

 

Completely agree. Its super hard. One of the best pieces of advice that I am working from is that you need to disassociate yourself from the tantrum/unwanted behavior. Dont get upset. And know that his behavior is NOT a reflection of your parenting. He just needs to learn how to control his behavior. (This is my mantra in my head on a daily basis.) :smilie_xmas_116:

 

I just started reading this book
http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0547085826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310555129&sr=8-1

I am going to try to implement today so don't have much to report yet. It is scientifically based on research methods proven to work with kids which a lot of partenting books are not.

Main thing is to identify the positive opposite (i.e your DS is having a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. You want him to calmly deal with disappointment and frustration)
Then set up a rewards chart with a system for easy to achieve and harder to achieve toys. He should be able to earn a small prize the first day so he sees the benefit.

Next set up practice/simulations for him to practice good behavior. So tell him we are going to pretend, he tells you he wants to go outside and you are going to tell him no and you want him to react without screaming or tears. Then go through the practice. He gets a point for doing well. Praise like crazy! Any time you catch him not freaking out when he normally would, give a point and praise enthusiastically.

He talks a good bit about punishment and how if you are having to punish multiple times per day every day for same thing it is not effective.

Sort of reminds of me of potty training in the early days - praise like there is no tomorrow, offer rewards and as behavior becomes more consistant the rewards decrease in frequency.

Good luck!

 

When my oldest gets like that I find that holding him close makes the tantrum subside quicker. He seems to need the extra validation/reassurance that I still love him despite the behavior. I would suggest you start giving him verbal reminders about how you expect him to act in different situations "When we go to the store, we are only getting what's on my list so don't ask for something special because mommy isn't buying it." This age is hard because they want to be independent but get a little scared about that independence. Good luck.

 

:good: Thank you!! I have to take myself back there. :lol: I do praise him alot but I'm guessing at this phase of his life he needs more. Let me know how this all works out for you and your kid. :good:

:faint: Amen! Hard indeed!! I thought this age should be easier but it's not in some aspects. Thanks for the advice, I really like your suggestion of reminding him what I expect beforehand. :good:

 

I wish I had an answer for you. I know it is no comparison, but Jake has been doing this. He gets so crazy mad when he doesn't get his way. Diverting his attention does help at times, but not all the time. The worst is he had a meltdown in the library because he didn't want to leave (we were there an hour, it was time to go!). I was trying to check out and he took off. The twins went after him and before I knew it, they were trying to carry him back to me by his arms and legs. he was FLIPPING out! Talk about embarrassing! Now I put books on hold on-line, and have the girls go check them out, lol. He stays in the car with me. I swear his picture is up on the wall with a big X across his face, lol!

 

There was a similar thread a few weeks ago and this is what I wrote:

I also found "The Explosive Child" to be helpful with Amy (the one who is more challenging at this point!). Both books have a heavy emphasis on problem-solving ahead of time, which we are not good at -- it seems like we never have time to sit down and talk about things, and when we do bring up difficult subjects, half the time it just sends her back into a fit! But I think it's a good idea if we can just figure out how to get it to work.

But other than that, I think the whole idea of being "kind but firm" is really useful. Also, in Positive Discipline she talks a lot about how you can't necessarily decide what your child will and won't do, but you can decide what YOU will and won't do. For instance, "If you spit at me, I'm going to go into my bedroom and shut the door. I don't like being spit at." Or "Now is not a good time for me to help you with that, but I will be happy to help you after breakfast."

Good luck -- mine are 5y8m now and it's a tiny bit easier than it was a few months ago, but still hard! I got screamed at for 30 minutes this morning.

 

seriously? take his electronic toys away...he is a gaming addict at 5...if that doesn't work, time out in his room and if THAT doesn't work he gets a crack on the a$$...

unfortunately I've tried positive discipline on Ian and it simply doesn't work...I have to get drastic and if that makes me mean mom - so be it...

 

:hug: Lizzie. I have been thinking about this for a few days, I honestly think you are seeing the effect of the impending change in your family dynamics. Not only are you having a baby, but you are having a new baby boy. Up until now, Tony has been your only baby boy. Five year olds are not really very good at expressing how they feel or handling their emotions & these things will often come out in bad behavior and tantrums. I agree with most everyone else about the positive reinforcement. Of course he needs timeouts for bad behavior but, even then, afterward I would talk to him & let him know that you don't like giving him timeouts, it makes you sad too, that you would rather be doing something fun with him, but he needs time to get control of himself. And I would also try extra hard to give him more attention (I know he already gets tons, but maybe a little extra one on one time?) and maybe have a talk with him about the new baby & how you will still love him just as much. I don't know, those are just my thoughts. I know he is a really good boy & you are an excellent mom, so I know things will work out. :hug:

 

Unfortunately he doesn't "love" anything that much. His games or toys being taken away only has an affect for a few minutes but he's alright without them. Time outs in his room (well, I did them in the guest room so he wouldn't have toys) work 1/2 the time and I just can't spank him. :blush: I did it one stinkin' time and the look I got made me feel worse then the action that got him that spank. I don't think being drastic to get them to behave is being a mean mom at all!!

:cry: This all made me tear up because it's SO true, it has to be because (and yes I know kids change) but up until recently he has never acted out so much. He'd have his moments but it's gotten to the point where I feel like giving up on him and that feeling is not fun at all. :blush: Thanks for your wonderful words my friend.

I've also noticed he feeds off of me. Since last week when I felt I had hit rock bottom with him I've really tried to alter my attitude around here and towards them. Plus I've started reading that book that Rachel suggested and between the two and it only being a few days, I've already seen him listening a bit more and less tantrums. :good:

He is most definitely a mama's boy and I'm so scared that I'll ruin our relationship with the birth of the new baby. I know it sounds insane but if just the thought of a baby does this what will happen when Alex arrives? :unsure:

 

I am having similar issues with one of mine, too. I have read a lot of similar ideas as what everyone's posted on here but haven't had a chance to really enforce them. I like the idea of ignoring the bad behavior and fit throwing, to not show him that negative attention but man is that HARD to do!! Plus my husband is not on the same page with this stuff and that's adding more difficulty. I wish I had some advice, but all I can offer is you are not alone! I have to say, though, he does behave himself in public for the most part. He gets crazy and rambunctious, but he doesn't throw his fits in public so thank goodness for that!

 

He will adjust. :hug: Tess was a bit older than Tony when L&L were born (she was 7, only 6 when we told her I was pregnant) but she was absolutely devastated when we told her we were expecting babies. She was the baby & just the thought of not being the baby anymore was awful for her. It was a difficult time for awhile, but with lots of talking & attention, she came around. She loves those two so much & probably spends more time with them than anyone else. They adore their big sister & the feeling is mutual. Once Alex is born, you can get him involved with being "big brother" and, eventually, he will come around. Don't worry, I think his feelings & behavior are all really normal. :hug:

 

Lucky for him, for the most part he's good in public too. :aggressive: :lol: Thanks for listening. :hug:

Thank you for sharing. :hug: I'm not happy Tess felt that way but I'm happy there is a happy ending. :good:

 

Ya know, I remember talking to my 'problem child's' kindergarten teacher because they just loved him, said he was so well behaved, and I just couldn't believe we were talking about the same child! She said to me that's how you know you've raised him right, when he behaves in public and when Mommy isn't around. I just keep thinking of that when he acts the fool at home! :lol: