Im jealous and worried!

I have to say we are so lucky to have a wonderful baby sitter. She is one of my close friends. She is a very nice person. And the best thing is my kids love her and she loves them. They liked her at the very first moment they met her. I am jealous somehow. I am not happy when they give her hugs in front of me. 2 days ago, I had to flight to Boston for business. I have never away from my kids over night. So I did flight back at night. But they were asleep already. So I didnt see them all day that day. Next day, Michelle woke up saw me cried so much and wanted me to hold her all the time. I fed them breakfast. And the baby sitter came. And I left for work. I came home at lunch to feed them. They were find. But they didnt run to me as usual. They looked at me and turned back to their toys!!!!!! I was hurt but I thought 'hm maybe they're mad bc of yesterday'. Then when I came back from work at 5:30, Michelle ran to me. I gave her a big hug and many kisses. Nolan looked at me, smiled but didnt run to me!!!! hurt again. I came to him, gave him a big tight hug and many kisses. Michelle was sitting on her rocking horse, smiled and looked at us with a weird look. Then I said 'Michelle come to mommy' She ran to me but she avoided my arms and turned to her baby sitter gave me a hug!!!!!!!!!!! WTH!!!! Then she looked at me and smiled. I was so pissed. seriously!!!! But I still smiled and said 'Michelle come to mommy baby'. She ran to me again and avoided my arms again and still kept a big smile on her face. I had to chase her to get her. Really a 15 months old girl knew how to get back to me that way!!!!!!!! The babysit realized what Michelle was doing too. She said 'She knows how to get back to you'!!!! It is still freaking borthering me now. This morning, I fed them breakfast and the baby sit came. Guess what right at the moment Michelle saw her she called "ta..ta' (her name is Tasuko). And smiled. Did she know how to call her name!???? really?? I am so freaking jealous. :cry: :cry: :cry:

Since I was pregnant, I put my career on hold. But now I really want to focus on my career. I am in the middle of changing job. My next one requires of traveling. That means I will be away from them sometimes. And I have to leave very early in the morning, wont be able to feed them breakfast and lunch like I can now. And obvioously, They will spend less time with me and more time with the babysitter. This starts being a huge prob to me now. I feel so sad now! I know many of you here are working moms. What do/did you do to slove this prob? Sorry for long complain. TIA!TIA!

 

Honestly, it doesn't bother me. I am so lucky to have someone take such wonderful care of my children, and I know they are happy and safe! When deciding to go back to work, you face the decision of having someone else care for your kids and you read all the time about bad things happening, so if my kids and babysitter love each other-I am okay with that! Oh and as they get older, they start coming to the parents more.

 

I'm not a working mom, but I'd probably be very sad, too. Don't be mad though. At 15 months, they're just learning consequences, how their actions affect others, and so on. They test boundaries, and like to see how other people react when they do things. Getting a reaction, often means they'll do it again. But they're not being malicious. Hopefully you'll get more suggestions for how to help you cope, from people who've been there and done that.

 

I know how you feel, and I think your kids will adjust to you being gone. I'm in grad school part-time. When I started back in January, my boys were 12.5 months. I was really happy that they love the lady who keeps them three days a week for me, but it did get to me a bit when they were SO happy to see her, yet when I would come back home, they didn't seem to even notice. After a couple of months, though, it got better. They are still happy to see the sitter, but they are also happy to see me come home.

I think once your kids know that when you leave, you will be coming back, it will get better - hopefully they will start to realize that soon. I know it may not seem like they understand, but I always tell my boys where I'm going and when I will be back - I do think that helps. For example, I may say "Mommy is going to class - I'll be back after supper". If you leave and they are asleep, tell them the night before that you will be gone when they wake up but will be back in the evening (or whenever), and then have your sitter remind them when they wake up where you are and when you will be back.

 

Kids go through stages of being more attached to one parent or the other, and I assume the same is true for a babysitter. My husband and I both work the exact same hours and spend the exact same amount of time with the kids. Right now, the twins won't have anything to do with him if I am around. It's frustrating for me, and hurtful to him. I keep reminding him that our first went through similar phases. As hurtful as it is, it helps to know it's normal normal normal

 

I think this is important to keep in mind. They didn't turn back to their toys the day after your trip because they were mad at you for going away, and I'd bet that your daughter was just running up to you and then turning away for a game, she probably liked having you keep on calling her over.

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad over this, I can understand why it would upset you. Try and remember that it is normal and doesn't mean your kids love you any less. I also have to agree with the pp who said it's better to have someone your kids love, who loves them back, to take care of them while you're away. You might hit a bit of separation anxiety in the next couple of months and then you'll be wondering why you ever worried about them being happy to see the sitter!

I hope you feel better soon. :hug:

 

I have a nanny, and I think that for mothers (this could be true for fathers too, but I can only speak for myself) it's often natural to have a bit of tension or jealousy when there is another caregiver involved with their children. ardon: I know that I've had to come to terms with this as well. My boys spend all day with their nanny, and she's a huge part of their life. There have been a few occasions when my boys have gone to her instead of me (to kiss a boo-boo, when they're upset, give hugs, etc.) and it does hurt. I acknowledge it, and try not to resent my nanny for this; it really helps to have a great relationship with her, and show the boys that there are *many* people in their lives that love and care for them.

Keep in mind that toddlers can have strong preferences about who they like, and it can change from day-to-day. For a while after the boys turned 1, Jack would run crying away from me every time I can home. :cry: It was heartbreaking, because he would only go to Dada or nanny, and I had a *very* hard time not taking it personally. I tried very hard to stay neutral and not pressure him, and within a few months, he was running to Mama instead.

Like I said, there will be many people in your LOs lives who care for them, but there will only be one Mama. :wub:

 

I used to be a nanny before I had kids and I have had the same situation but from the other side. The 1 year old became very attached to me for quite a while. She would get very upset when her Mum and Dad came home and would cling to my leg when I had to leave. I found it very stressful and felt really guilt about it. As she got a bit older it became less of an issue thankfully. It was just a stage and I think it was just that I was caring during the most active part of her day. But at the end of the day it's always Mum and Dad who hold the child's heart closest. I absolutely loved the kids I cared for and I would hope that if I ever do have to go out to work I would find someone who would fall in love with my kids too.

 

:hug: We have a wonderful sitter who has watched the girls since they were 9 months old. I won't say I wasn't sad when M took her first steps at W's house, but I will say that I love that she loves the girls and the girls love her. She is part of our family. Also, when I get home and they act like total terrors, I just try to tell myself its because I'm mommy and they trust that my love is unconditional so they can be wicked and still be loved. Or something like that

 

I take my kids to an in home daycare and they love her!! Which honestly makes me feel good. They are always excited to see me when I pick them up so I havent had the same experience as you, but like others I dont think they are being malicious or trying to be hurtful...try and look at it as it being a good thing they are happy and love who cares for them...it would be concerning if they cried and didnt like the person, you know?

On a sidenote, my kids do call me Cass (dcp's name) on occassion and I have been told by my 6yo that Cass's spaghetti is much better then mine-stinker!!!!! :laughing:

 

[quote name='Nate and Jack's Mom' date='08 July 2011 - 04:32 PM' timestamp='1310158948' post='1801590']
Keep in mind that toddlers can have strong preferences about who they like, and it can change from day-to-day. For a while after the boys turned 1, Jack would run crying away from me every time I can home. :cry: It was heartbreaking, because he would only go to Dada or nanny, and I had a *very* hard time not taking it personally. I tried very hard to stay neutral and not pressure him, and within a few months, he was running to Mama instead.
[/quote]

This happened before. There was time they ddnt want to do anything with me. They always ran to their dad. I was heart broke. It hurt!!!! but it happened just couple days

Thank you so much ladies! I do know that I am so lucky to have a wonderful baby sitter who cares and loves my kids so much. Its hard for me to accept that my kids love her so much. But I learn to be happy about that lol. And my husband and I do love her too.

Now I do believe my daughter did not try to hurt my feeling. She likes me to chase her these days. And she keeps running away from me. This made me feel much better

We do tell the kids that 'mommy and daddy have to go to work tomorrow. And mommy will see you at lunch tomorrow' every night when we tuck them in. To me, my kids are number one. Spending time with them is the most important. And after I start my new job, I will have to spend less time with them. That just makes me so depressed and sad

 

I'm so sorry. :hug: It's tough to be with your children less than you want, but I'm sure you'll find a way to make the most of your time together.

 

Its hard to leave them. I know! I get weirded out by how upset the boys are when my parents (who watch them all day) leave. Its hard to see. But I have to work to give my family what I want to be able to provide.

The key is to remember that its the quality of time, not the quantity. My parents do the naps and the lunches and the day to day stuff, but every night I get them and we get to ply and cuddle and its nice. There nothing better than seeing a baby smile that you're home!

 

I am going to get blasted for this I know I am and maybe I am reading this wrong but you say you are "choosing" to focus on your career now? So you could stay home with them more if you wanted? So maybe if it is a matter of being painful to you that they are bonding with the person with them most of the time you could put off this big step in your career until they are a little older and understand better that mommy is leaving for work but she loves you so much and misses you the whole time she is gone and will be back soon. Wouldn't have to be forever but a little longer. Again maybe I misunderstand what you are saying and you have no choice but to work and then its just going to have to be a matter of spending as much time with them as you can and understanding that they are not trying to hurt you or plotting to make you sad or that they love their sitting more than you, kids bond with who cares for them. I worked in day care from the time I was 18 until I had my first child then stayed at home with her until kindergarten then went back into the classroom until the twins were born and now again I am blessed to be a stay at home mom so I can say this from both sides as a caregiver and a mom, It used to break my heart when a child would reach for me and scream for me when mom would come to pick them up but I had to remember they were with me 10-12 hours a day 5 days a week and most of them would get home, have dinner, bath and maybe a story the bedtime. however this almost always stopped when the kids hit 3 1/2 to 4 years old. They would RUN to mommy and get so excited to see her and want to tell her about their day. When they are this age they don't understand where you are and honestly they don't care. They just know you are not with them and they want you to be with them but after a while they latch on to the person who is caring for them. The one who is there playing and holding and hugging. They grow out of it but for the meantime its a matter of learning how to deal with it or putting your needs on hold for theirs.

 

Balancing family and paid labor force work is such a challenge. I think it's very easy to get the grass is greener kind of feeling no matter what you are doing. Right now, I'm not in the labor force, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how rewarding my career was, but it was also killing us financial due to the relative inflexibility of where I could live. I am happy to see my kids growing, although being with them nearly 24 hours 7 days a week is very draining and I long for the times I get to myself.

It is really tough, and I hope you are able to find a balance that works for you in relation to your kids, your career, your family, your finances, and any of the ten thousand other things that we have to balance as mothers. :grouphug:

I also wanted to say that I think others are right, these kinds of things run in phases. My Dh was home with our kids during the first 2 years, and I definitely think the twins were closer to him in that time frame.

 

Personally, I tend to reject the use of the word "choices" when we talk about many of these mothering decisions. It's so easy to act like people just wake up one day and make a decision about their careers or their families, but there are so many social forces out there greater than us. Maybe we are in career fields where you can't take time out and jump back in (I know my field is very much that way. What I did in walking away from a tenure track professor job is almost unheard of.). In many families finances dictate two working parents or one stay at home parent. The parental leave policies here in the US are very stingy relative to other wealthy countries, and we don't have much government subsidized child care.

You throw all of that into the mix, and it's much more complicated; it's not just a "choice."

 

I do choose to pursue my career with passion. I reject the notion that there is something wrong with that. But I'm also not upset that my kids have lots of people in their life who love them and whom they love.

 

I agree with you 1000%. I also love my career and my children, and we have a situation that works for everyone. In fact, I feel like we now have even more family because our sitter and her family are now part of ours.

 

also too it is a sign of being secure - they KNOW who mommy is and they KNOW that at the end of the day you are going to be there - so they will go to other people because they know eventually that mommy will be there...

as far as choices are concerned, some think that career and children can't be concurrent - that it has to be one or the other...and the US perpetuates this with inadequate family leave time, inadequate paid time off and the ever constant threat of job loss because at times your kids DO need you more than the sitter (sickness, etc)...

take it as a sign you are doing a GREAT job as a mom - that you are raising secure loving toddlers that are excited about the world around them!