So my husband and I just got into a yelling match. It was my fault and I am willing to admit it. I'm tired and just frustrated (been a bad few days an nights). Yet some of what I sai is true. I meant them. Ladies how many of you do ALL the care giving for your twins. I do. And my husband doesn't see it at all. Te twins are 11 months old and I have been ye one getting up every morning with them. It's summer right now so I'm nit working but even when I'm working it's me. He has not once gotten up with yuen at 630.he always sleeps later than me. It's my fault because I have never made him get up. I change all the damn diapers. I will ask and he will put it off until I finally get up and go do it. All he says is "I was gonna do it". I feed them all their meals, fix their meals, shop for their groceries, give them baths (my inlaws do help here), and when I actually do get to have dinner friends, I make sure we either plan it for after bedtime, or make sure someone is there to help him (which means he doesn't do anything). He comes home from work and sits on the sofa and watches TV. Sure he plays with the kids when we ate in the living room (heaven forbid he get on the floor though). He will give someone a bottle but then I have to pit everyone to bed. I'm just tired of doing it all. Now he maytirn around and say that he does all the house work. And guess ehat it's true. He does the laundry, cleans the house, takes care of the lawn, and sometimes cooks. I know this and I have made an effort to help folding a load of laundry here an there, making sure the kitchen os clean every night, loading and unloading the dishes. Now this is when I can! I have three babies here vieing for my attention too. I guess I'm just venting. I want to know I'm not alone on feeling like I do the hard work. Believe me I would LOVE to clean the house without being interupted every once in a while. Plus how do I go about telling him how I feel without him taking it as he is a bad dad or husband. Be is actually a great dad. Te kids adore him and love to play with him but he doesn't do it often enough.
I could have written your post (and I am fairly sure I did!) at that age. My husband was quick to jump in on the house chores, but left most of the baby care to me. By about 10-11 months I was exhausted. Eventually I asked my husband to pick a mealtime that he wanted to do and that became his job. He was at home at the time, so he did their breakfasts every morning and that was their time to hang out while I got to sleep or whatever. I also started scheduling once a month girls' nights or something like that where he would have to take over late afternoon while I went out and recharged a bit. As for the getting on the floor and such.. I think dads get better playing with their kids as they get older and they can do more stuff with them. My husband treated a lot of it like a chore and didn't really interact with them much until they were able to play with him and he could start to teach them things. Now he's very interactive with them.. so maybe just give him time to develop that on his own. He has different things to give them and will do it in a different way from you. Hang in there.. it will get better.. just figure out what you really need from him and ask him to do it. I'll be he rises to the occasion!
I get very frustrated too...I do most or all the cooking/dishes/wash/baths/food shopping too. He does help out, but I always feel like he can do more. (He helps out more than my ex-husband and that is why he is an ex!) I work 40+ hours a wk, yet my husband works 65+hours a week. I need a break sometimes from them! It hurts me to say that but all the crying can get to ya! As a matter of fact, I am suppose to be doing work for my job, but I can't get anything accomplished because my husband has been doing "things" he "needs" to do while I try to feed, play, and calm the girls down. We had this planned that I needed time for work, but it hasn't gone far! He is finally going to take them for a walk because he knows that I am so frustrated with him right now that I could burst! He seems to help out more when he knows I'm pist at him. hang in there...it's NOT easy raising two. You really need to express to him that he needs to help more because you are stressed and that will only make you a happier person. Good Luck!
I do all of the laundry, dishes, housework, and diapers. My DH does cook, but I fix all the food for our boys (they are soy intolerant, so they can't eat most of what we eat still). I will say, though, that he is really good about helping me feed them, give baths and put to bed, and he does play with them. He also does all the yard work. BUT, he is SO clueless about some things....my boys are climbing, running, etc. now and he will go to bed and leave about 10 things sitting around for them to get into or fight over or get hurt with (shoes, nail clippers, glasses, coasters - you name it). He also does NOT know how to clean up after himself - he doesn't put any of his clothes in the hamper, and he leaves huge messes in the kitchen for me to clean up, in addition to cleaning up after the kids. And sometimes he sits down on his email or laptop and just totally tunes them out - they can be hitting each other, jumping on the sofa, etc. while I am trying to make them food and he won't even say anything (but other times he jumps all over them about those things). The inconsistency drives me bonkers! Oh, and he NEVER gets up with them in the mornings. He is a teacher and off for the summer, and if I'm lucky, he's up by 8, whereas I've been up since 6:30 or 7 (not to mention he does to bed at least an hour before me most nights!). When I DO get to go out, I either have to have someone else here to help him with the kids (because heaven forbid they have a poopy diaper and he might have to change it) or I go after they go to bed (which isn't until 8pm now, so not much time there), or I make a mad rush out and back to grab something. And yet he turns around and tells me I need to get out more and have more of a social life (ummm, how?!?) and he goes out all the time and leaves me alone with the kids. So, I totally hear you! I'm telling you, when my boys are older and potty trained, my best friend and I are going on a cruise and leaving him home on daddy duty for a week! I think I deserve at least that. But despite my complaints, he is a really, really great father to the kids, so at least it's me that's getting the short end of the stick and not them.
Poop isn't rocket science. I don't know how you ladies tolerate that- seriously. :huh: I'm not trying to be mean, I really am confused. My being a mom doesn't make me superior at wiping butts. If my DH hems and haws about a diaper (it's rare) I hand him the diaper, wipes and baby and leave the room. When there is more than 1 thing to be done (a meal to be made and baby baths, etc) I am quick to offer him a choice- this or that so that we get things done quickly and can all relax together. *** I've just read this thread to my DH- this is his take. There is no difference in ability between men and women's ability to take care of children, it's just individual desire. Men have to get over their lack of desire- it's F*ing hard work to take care of kids and way harder than most people's jobs during the day. If the men don't understand how hard it is to care for kids they may not help. If they never take care of them alone they'll never understand how hard it is.
I've had a ton of success with this approach. When there's a lot to be done, I run down the list with DH & tell him to pick what he wants to do - then I do the rest. I've also had a lot of success with saying "Such & such needs to be done by such & such a time" - and then leave him to it. He usually gets whatever the thing is done on time, even if he's scrambling in the last 5 minutes. Simple & direct seem to work best. When I straight up ask for what I need, with a bit of flexibility thrown in for him, it usually happens. When I get to feeling as frustrated as you sound, I take a step back & take stock. Often, what I realize is that I'm my own worst enemy. I'm so quick to jump in & DO things, that DH simply doesn't have time to recognize that something needs to be done, let alone do it. I find a good solution is to just go out. Don't leave a list of what or how to do things - let him figure it out. Yup, the babies might be cranky. Yup, the routine might not be what they're used to. Yup, you may come home to more of a mess at first. But the only way he's going to learn is to do it - without anyone hovering over him or "teaching" him. I think the primary caregiver tends to think they know the right way of doing things when really, we've just figured out a good routine that works for us. Our partners need the opportunity to do the same. We also split weekends for sleeping in. One weekend, I simply told DH that I was sleeping in the next morning & it was his responsibility to get up with the girls. Since then, we've each taken one morning. Hang in there! Figuring out how to co-parent is a work in progress, with a lot of experimenting & tweaking. Keep working at it until you find what works best for both of you. :hug:
I too could have written your post. My twins are about to turn 5 months and aside from occasionally holding a bottle or carrying one upstairs, I do everything! My DH just does not want to do it. We have a 4.5 yr old as well and he is great with her and helps put her to bed. I think in some ways he is resentful of the twins for taking away our life as we knew it, he also just cannot handle crying and ours cry all the time! So you are not alone, and thanks for your post, I am glad to know Iam not alone too
