A little sad today

My brother has a daughter about the same age as my two girls and the contrast has always been big. She was a happy baby and mine were always fussing and crying. A while ago I thought we were over it, but when my SIL and cousin (or is it niece? I don't know) left after their visit yesterday I was emotional, to say the least. Watching my SIL interact with my cousin (or niece, whatever) was an eye opener. The two of them were just so relaxed. My SIL taught the kid things! She played with her, cuddled her, really knew her.

I on the other hand am happy if I've managed to get through each day. You know what I mean? I take care of them, I feed them and change them, I give them a bath and make sure they do not hurt each other too much. But what do I actually DO with them? Nothing, really.

Yesterday evening I told my husband one child would be so easy!

And then tonight, it happened. One was asleep, the other woke up and obviously wanted to play (she had slept in the car on the way back from our shopping trip and her sissy didn't) so I took her downstairs. And honestly, how could I have been so naive to look forward to some 1-on-1 time? It simply doesn't work, my kids aren't used to it. They play alone and sometimes crawl all over me, but that's it. I never really taught them anything. Everything they know or can was self-taught.

I felt so guilty. Again.

I don't know what I am looking for, posting this here. Maybe some recognition?

Any opinions? Suggestions? I'm thinking my husband and I should try to separate the girls every now and then. Not only for the parent-on-kid time, but also (and even more?) because we do not want E&N to feel they are interchangeable.

Oh gosh, I think I do not make any sense, but I'm dog tired right now and I'm off to bed.

 

My husband and I were just discussing trying to do some one-on-one time with our girls. It has been rare that just one goes somewhere with mommy or daddy. I think as they get older this is important. Play is how kids learn, that is their work. We have jobs and they have play. They are learning all the time. I'm sure you interact with them more than you think. I find the best time to do things like colours and numbers and reading one on one is when my husband is home in the evenings. I do try to play with them, but to be honest they don't really want to play with mommy, they just seem to want me to be in the room--they make their own play. And making their own play is very important. Don't compare yourself to your SIL, you live in a different world. Sometimes I just try to get through the day too, you aren't alone :grouphug:

 

Many times I feel this same exact way. I do stay home part-time and I usually will plant myself in their playroom and a lot of the time they will come up and sit with me and I'll grab whatever is closest to me and we'll play.. things like pretending to brush a doll's hair, doing a shape sorter or just being silly (which is usually what they like the most).. most of the time, though, they just want a quick cuddle and they go back to playing. I do find that I feel the same way sometimes when I see my friends with their singletons.. but our kids have an advantage with a built-in playmate and friend. I think the fact that my girls have their twin to play with gives them confidence to try new things or to do parallel play for longer... you are so not alone in feeling like this.. I've always felt like I can't give the girls what they need like a mom to a singleton would... though... that's probably how anyone is when they have more than one child, twins or not!

 

I have no advice for you. Just know your not alone, i feel this way all the time, sometimes i think about just taking 1 out alone and then I think what will the other one think when I take DD and not him! Ugh i don't know, its a crappy feeling sometimes.

 

Maybe some one on one time with the kids would make you feel better, although I'm sure you're doing a superb job with the two of them. One thing DH & I do to get one on one time is for me to run errands on the weekends with one baby while DH stays home with the other baby. The next time there are errands to run, we swap babies. It's nice to have that time with each baby. As pp said, they are learning all the time just by watching and listening. DH will walk the babies around the yard showing them trees, the dog, birds, etc. I like to talk to them while we're shopping about the different things we see.

It's not fair to compare yourself to your sil. You are different women, with different life experiences, who will raise your children in different ways (all of which are right for your family). My babysitter is awesome & I find myself wanting to be like her and do the things she does with my kids. I have to remind myself that I'm doing to best I can.

 

I feel like when there is just one around life is a little dull. :tomato: I literally have a sense of- this is too easy! That being said, I am right with you that mine need more time with just one parent. I'm going to join our rec center which has a daycare and sign each boy up for baby swim class just so 1x a week it's just me and him. I also plan on sending my DH out with 1 each month to go on long walks and maybe hikes as the weather gets warmer.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
I know exactly how you feel.
Sometimes its hard to put a name to the feeling.
I have 2 older kids as well, and count it as a good day if they're all in bed without too many dramas at a reasonable time. i get soooooooooo jealous of friends and others with 1 baby at times, do they realise how 'easy' they've got it?!

My babies are just 1 now, and I feel this sense of guilt because I don't feel I've done the same things with them as I did with my 2 singletons. EG: I'm sure by now I had my dd eating with a spoon - I haven't even tryed much with the twins. Even things like swimming lessons have been neglected - just not enough time and to hard with just me. (DD went from 4 months old).

The only thing I feel like I can put a tick beside is that I take turns taking 1 baby shopping for groceries with me. It would be far easier to leave all at home, but I make a point of alternately taking each twin with me so that they both still get out and about at least some of the time.

 

I know how you feel too with comparing to a family member's own family dynamics. I know that comparing families can be like comparing oranges and apples, but it happens.
My SIL's family jsut seems to get along so easily. The kids respect each other and their parents, they get along, any arguments are resolved quickly. And the kids SLEEP. I feel like I try and do the right thing for my family and children continually but it's such hard work. Each and every time they've visited or we've stayed with them, I can't help looking at my family and wondering why it has to be so hard. What I am doing wrong. Don't get me wrong, all kids are healthy, well adjusted and the twins are generally happy, healthy babies. I love them soooo much and look at them in wonder every day, but I can't help having a touch of the green eyed monster sometimes

Hmmmmmmm, maybe I'm a bit tired and stressed too!

 

I don't have much advice, but I agree with the pps about not comparing yourself to your SIL, or anyone else. It's comparing apples to oranges and unfair to yourself. I have had moments of guilt because I don't send my kids to daycare and my friends who do tell me all of the things their kids do and learn there. I don't know how or have the energy quite honestly to do all of those things. But they are playing and discovering and have the rest of their childhood to be in school. So I do the best I can. I am sure you do the same. :grouphug:

 

I agree with the PP's, do not compare yourself to your SIL. It can never hurt to schedule one on one time with each parent for each child, but if you don't-that's okay. They will thrive, grow and learn without it. DH and I do one on one time with our kids very rarely. Mainly because he's working all week and barely home, so when we are together as a family we like to spend time together as a family.
Do not beat yourself up and do not "should" on yourself. I did (and still do) a lot of reading with my twins, it's our favorite activity to do together. And it was the one thing I could do that could calm them both down, especially when they were 1.

 

Having TWO is just different than having one. It is not better or worse...just different! I often feel the same way...with my first I (or my mom while I was working) spent one on one time with her all day long. We taught her everything! She talked VERY early and knew all letters, colors, shapes, etc. by two. At three she is now reading! Yep...really reading! And my boys...well...I just don't have the same amount of time to devote to one-on-one talking/playing. I know they are boys, twins, and born 5 weeks early...but I still HATE that they are not talking near as much and don't know near as much academically as she did. She was also eating WELL with a spoon by this point...and iwth them I've hardly even tried. It is just different!

BUT...my boys are super happy...they always have their best buddy around to play...they are super social and independant...which are fabulous things!

To be honest...your sister may be thinking similar things about you! She may leave thinking...gosh...how nice that her kiddos are so independent...that they don't need her to be playing with them every moment...that she doesn't have to be in the floor all the time. She may very well wish her daughter was better at playing alone and figuring things out on her own.

Try not to compare! I'm certain you are doing a great job! It sounds as if they are safe, cared for, and LOVED...and that means you are doing well!! Hang in there!

 

Just so you know, I could have wrote this post! With my first born singleton I taught him everything, read to him every night etc.. Now soooo different!!! but I will say that mine are now 2.5 and I do feel more connected to them then I did. I seem a little able to sneak in moments with them one on one. Usually a 5 minute hug or snuggle here and there. Just a long look in the eyes and I tell them I love them. No it is not the same, but what are we going to do?? Just do the best you can and know that I totally get what you are saying!!!!

 

I think this comes with time. 12-18 months, our babies were insane and it was just survival. Now, I am able to spend one on one time with each of them. We know Henry is more timid and Jacob while outgoing is sensitive. I agree that you should not compare yourself but be prepared to change your circumstances when you have the chance.

 

I think what you're feeling is normal guilt for any mom with more than one child. I don't necessarily think that you have to spend one on one time for them to learn things but it may make you feel better. Mine are always together because they don't want to be apart, but I make it a point to sit on the floor with them when they are playing and read to them, talk to them, etc. Mine are 22 months and know colors, some letters and some numbers and I have never formally taught them anything. I just talk about everything I see and name things as they point to them, etc.

My advice is to just find ways to enjoy yourselves and learning will happen.

I think what you're feeling is normal guilt for any mom with more than one child. I don't necessarily think that you have to spend one on one time for them to learn things but it may make you feel better. Mine are always together because they don't want to be apart, but I make it a point to sit on the floor with them when they are playing and read to them, talk to them, etc. Mine are 22 months and know colors, some letters and some numbers and I have never formally taught them anything. I just talk about everything I see and name things as they point to them, etc.

My advice is to just find ways to enjoy yourselves and learning will happen.

 

HI there! I very often feel like I'm never able to give "enough" to my kids. I have an 8 year old, 6 year old and 2 year old twins. And in reality, it is never enough!!! They always are craving, demanding more of me...my time, my attention, my affection, more, more, more!!!! The more I give the more they want!!! I guess it's a blessing in disguise!! But hard to deal with nevertheless.

Take my oldest...she had to write a story about a "special day" in school. (Now we have done so much with this kid, my first born: museums, hiking in the woods, trip to NY, beach every summer, etc. etc. Many things that would make wonderful, interesting stories! You know what she wrote about? The day she came to my allergist appt. with me. The teacher asked her why and she said because it was the only day she got to do something with me all by herself. Ouch. Talk about guilt!!!

My second born is a "classic" middle child...constantly craving my attention....talks my ear off from dawn to dusk....fighting for attention over our twins who have taken away her position of "baby" in the family! If course, I love her dearly...and she sucks the life out of me!

Then my twins came along...as you have mentioned, survival is our daily goal. It's amazing they have learned anything because I don't think I've ever explicitly taught them anything!! My friend came over one day and her 2 year old was identifying colors, letters, numbers, and speaking in sentences...and I had a bit of a panic about it. My little girls were just saying individual words and didn't know the difference between blue and red! I felt so bad that I hadn't taught them any of that yet. (My older children had learned all of that stuff at an early age.)

But then I thought.....I am only one person!!!!!!! Being the mom to twins is so different than being the mom of a singleton. I have lived it. As someone else said, it's not better or worse. It's just different. I am certainly guilty of comparing my life to others...but it only leads to frustration. The grass is always greener on the other side. So now I try not to do that so much and just try to give my kids what I can. On some days, meeting their basic needs is just about as good as it gets. And they have to learn that there are other members of our family that have needs too and they can't get what they want every single time. (Which isn't such a bad lesson in life) And most days, I do try to give that one on one attention to each child...even if it's just some extra hugs and kisses or a "chat" when they get older. As for the babies(they are 2 but I call them my babies)....they have begun to learn their colors, etc. now too and I love to see how they learn from each other...it may have taken them a little bit longer but I get a lot of joy seeing how they learn from each other and from their big sisters every day.

So try not to be too hard on yourself. (People tell me that all the time so I thought I'd pass the advice along to you!) You are doing an amazing job!
Shannon

 

Thank you very much ladies, for all of your responses. I have copypasted them and it means so much to me to have people actually understanding my daily "struggles" with my lovely twins.

 

pretty much the same sentiment that everyone else said. I've wondered sometimes how my twins would be a) raised as singletons, or b) raised by different parents altogether... I love them, but truly sometimes raising twins+ (and larger families) is just harder. I actually quit reading to the kids at one point b/c all they did was grab at the book... yeah, mom of the year! well, they are better now and still love to read so we're still good with that.

I will say that if your two do play well on their own... your sil may be looking at you with a bit of envy... mine play well on their own, and I don't know how I'd get anything done if they needed all my attention...

Just try to enjoy all the "double the fun" parts! and know that you are doing your best to raise your sweeties!

 

I have the same feelings. We were totally different parents with our first. HOWEVER, that being said, just as your twins are missing out on things that single babies get (particularly single babies with no older siblings), they are also getting amazing benefits from being a twin. They get time to sit and learn to play alone without an adult in their face all the time(it took my five year old years to learn this), they get interaction with each other, they learn independence earlier, etc. Who is to say what experience is better or worse? It's different, for sure, but different is not necessarily worse. But really I do have the same fears and feelings as you. IT's hard.

 

Oh I could have written this post too :hug: you are not alone! With 4 kids life here is all about survival too. The 3 youngest are all very high maintenance and it really is still all about "putting out fires" vs intentional parenting. Add to that the fact that my twins are developmentally delayed and the guilt is overwhelming. Was it my fault they are delayed? Did I not do enough? My almost 3 year old was quite slow to do things yet was light years ahead when compared to the twins. Sigh, all I can do is try to put those bad thoughts out of my mind and realize that I know that I have done the best I could and that I love my kiddos so very much. I am also very jealous of friends with singletons for what they can do and how easy it seems for them, but I still wouldn't trade my kiddos for the world! You are doing great, try not to let things get to you!

 

Amen! I was just going to log on and post something very similarly. I have a 5 year old and 19 month old twins. I struggle every day to make time for my 5 year old who needs me too...but the twins now often "suck the life out of me" and I try not to resent them for it. I love them...individually, they are aweseome, but together...I'm pulling out my hair. They consume so much of my time that I often find myself struggling internally with my feelings. I love them, but hate that I can't "enjoy" them as much as my first and I often feel cheated (and they are cheated too...) that I wasn't able to have and enjoy "baby" time with them. Now they are toddlers and very damanding. I feel guilt for not being able to give them the devoted Mommy time.

Know you are not alone. I'm just trying to figure out how to function in a way that makes everyone happy.

 

Whoa, it is so good to know we're not alone.

As for those with older (or younger!) children: my hat goes off to you!

We all deserve twin mom supremacy.

 

I totally know how you feel. Except I have a 2 and a 1/2 plus id 15mo girls!!! I always feel guilty, sad, mad and sometimes angry. It is so hard to spread the love! I constantly feel like I am a mean mom for always yelling "NO" and arguing with my husband. the twins are always pulling each others hair or climbing on things on each other and with my 2/1/2 yr old in the mix it is a circus!!! I don't have any advice except that know you are not alone.

I totally know how you feel. Except I have a 2 and a 1/2 plus id 15mo girls!!! I always feel guilty, sad, mad and sometimes angry. It is so hard to spread the love! I constantly feel like I am a mean mom for always yelling "NO" and arguing with my husband. the twins are always pulling each others hair or climbing on things on each other and with my 2/1/2 yr old in the mix it is a circus!!! I don't have any advice except that know you are not alone.

 

I feel the same way here...I still get jealous of the people I see with only singletons...both for the parents and the kids. Everyone keeps saying there will come a day with the parents of singletons will be jealous of us but I'm so in the thick of it right now I can't imagine getting there!

One of the things I always ask adult twins that I meet is if they felt neglected as children and the answer has always been "NO!!!!" so this gives me hope. I think we're all doing the best we can and hopefully our kids feel that .

 

if you have the time, you should definatly set aside some time each day for some interaction with the kids!!!
one on one or not.

my boys have a plastic table and chairs sets (with an extra chair for me)
we spend so much time each day there! mostly drawing (they each have a scrap book and we will draw loads of things in there)
we do puzzles, we have tea parties!

i have VERY recently given in to play dough, its messy, but sometimes we do that.
we paint!

pull out some pencils with your girls, give them some paper and sit with them and draw for however long they are both interested! if one leaves the table to do something else thats fine!!! stay with the other until she is done too... their imaginations can be wild!