In-law rant

So all 3 of the kids have been sick with a stomach virus since last Saturday. On Wednesday and Thursday MIL was over on her way to do errands. Then on Thursday she asked if I wanted her to come yesterday. I said no, I am ok. they are getting better. I was looking forward to a lazy day with them. So what happens yesterday? She comes over anyway! My FIL was going on and on earlier on in the week about how worried about them and how he was going to take them to the doctor if we didn't. Does she think I am incompetent or does she need control or what? I am always getting unsolicited advice or criticism, like if I say we are going or doing "x" she'll say something like "ooh, don't you think that is a little _____ or _____. I have had enough. She'll drop by and then if I had plans I have to stay home. I never get asked if it is ok to come over. By the way,my mom lives in the same city and if I wanted help I could ask her. My mom and dad don't behave like that. They call and ask how they are doing and they asked if I wanted them to come and help and respected my answer. Anyway, I guess if any of you have this sort of problem what do you do?

 

How does your spouse fit into this? I know my DH is always more than willing to make sure his mom knows that our household and all that it entails, is run by me. That means I can decline unwanted help, visits any of that, without fear of any negative feedback.

 

He is kind of defensive. Says she is just trying to help, loves to be with her grandkids, etc. I do feel bad but I would like to able to do what I want when I want without worrying about changing plans if she pops by. She is great with the kids but it feels like she tries to take over when she comes over.
How do I tell her it is too much and that I need some space?

 

Don't change your plans for her. You wanted to go out... tell her you've made plans and that you're sorry she came for nothing and go. If you keep canceling your plans for her she'll keep coming...

 

I agree 100%. If she starts coming over and you leave because you have plans, maybe..just maybe she'll get the hint.

 

this is what i was going to say. also, i found that generally speaking, i can't hang out with my MIL & the kids. if she's arranged to come over & visit them, i make plans to be elsewhere, even if it's just downstairs on the computer. otherwise, it ends up feeling like too many cooks in the kitchen.

 

oh my, the drop by would put me over the edge. I think it's appropriate to ask her to call ahead. If you have plans to go out you shouldn't have to cancel, and if you have plans to stay home and be lazy it's your right to do so...

do you have any specific set times that they do come over?? if not, that may help them to feel like they have a time to come... my inlaws come one afternoon a week, and it's great to have them help. anyway, hope it all works out!

I haven't really had to deal with that issue with inlaws, but on other things, I try really hard to be polite, but I will address the issue... hopefully you can get her to call ahead.

 

Oh I feel for you. I know EXACTLY what you are experiencing and in my my own experience it doesn't get better until you take the reins. My husband was the exact same way, just saw the 'good intention' while I thought it was plain rude. It took a lot of work on my part and dealing with him to see change. I agree with previous posts, don't change your plans for her, if she shows up you can tell her nicely that you have plans and that perhaps next time she should give you a call ahead of time and then you will be happy to have a nice visit. I'm sure her approach will change naturally if you are consistent.
My MIL tried to act like super mom in my home too with our twins, and I started out polite about it and then I started seeing things I didn't like...her judgement is very poor and she can actually be very unsafe at times. I had to talk to my husband about this many times until he started paying more attention and realized that she's not an attentive caregiver. By this I mean, letting them play unsupervised on the high playground at 13 months!!! I nearly had a heart attack! Giving them glass bowls on their high chair. Trying to get them to walk down stairs with one finger when they are still learning to walk period. The list can go on and on and on. I think I would feel more comfortable if she was a safer, more communicative person but she's not so I accept that I get very little useful help from her and I tend to always be present when she is around.
But don't give in to it and let them learn your rules and boundaries, and you will be happier in the end

 

I like a lot of the suggestions here - if you have plans, then just let her know you guys were heading out, and maybe she could come back tomorrow (at least that way you can suggest a time that works for you).
And, I would also suggest a set time when she comes by every week, and also perhaps you can leave the house or the area when she comes over - that way you can really get a break from her and the kids!