Help with DS's bad behavior!

Hello All, I hope you can help!

I have boy/girl twins who are 2 1/2 right now. My daughter is very well-behaved but my son has been acting up more and more lately. He seems to get frustrated easily and acts out by swatting/hitting (not hard), spitting, sometimes biting, and this is all accompanying by whining/screaming. I'm getting to my wits end because nothing I do to discipline him is working.

For example, this morning when I was taking him into daycare, he was very upset because his sister happened to have a Toy Story sticker she was holding and he didn't. His fit went on for about five minutes after that. We try to play fair between our son and daughter, but if my son doesn't get what he wants, he has a complete meltdown. And, I don't want him to think he's always going to get what he wants just because he's having a meltdown! We have also gotten reports that he has been biting other kids in school, unprovoked.

He also gets really frustrated at meal time at home and at daycare. He sometimes whines and cries prior to eating - like if the food isn't served and ready for him very quickly, he becomes extremely frustrated.

As far as discipline goes, I usually try sitting him in the corner for a time out. Most of the time, he won't sit still so I constantly have to hold him down while he is there. I've tried putting him back in his room, but he likes to go back there and play so that does not work either. Yelling is not a good option because that seems to make him even more mad, or he just laughs at the attention he is getting. He's just not taking me seriously when I try to discipline him, and that is very frustrating.

I've also recently been trying sticker charts for awarding him when he has good behavior. That has helped his behavior a little bit, but but not nearly enough. The problem is, his sister pretty much gets a sticker every day, and he does not. I'm almost afraid this will end up frustrating him even more.

What I'm wondering is should I ignore some of the behaviors? Are there other discipline strategies that might work? I think my best bet is to remain calm with him because I know he likes it when he gets a rise out of me. I am just feeling frustrated and confused right now so I thought I would throw this out there.

Thank you for any advice you can provide!

Michelle

 

I was going to post something similar - we are mostly dealing with the hitting. Mine will go in TO just fine and we have been doing this consistently for 6 months and it just doesn’t seem to be changing the behavior at all, we did try ignoring it but I just can’t let that go unchecked.

I don’t want to start a debate but do want to hear how others handle aggressive behavior - eye for an eye, time outs, ignoring, redirection, what works for you?

 

How is is speech? Is he able to tell you what he wants? You keep saying frustration, and if he is constantly frustrated, the acting out is a result of that frustration. My son behaved much the same way. It turned out he had/has a severe expressive language delay--which means that he can't always tell you want he wants--that is, he can't find the words to express himself. It wasn't that he couldn't talk, he could, it was that especially when he got angry, he would become unable to find those words, so instead of saying what was bothering him, he would act out. Discipline didn't work for him either. But once we realized what was going on, we found that it did help to put him in his room, not as punishment, but so he could regroup and then let us know what was bothering him.

We found all this out when I took him for a speech eval, for something totally different--and then we discovered his delay. It did get him a year and a half of free preschool through the preschool disabled program, and then he was sent on to K with no services at all.

 

I think you are definitely on to something with the speech. My daughter is way ahead of my son in terms of speech, and he does have a hard time expressing himself. I can tell he wants to say something but other, unintended, words will come out of his mouth. However, he does talk, and his communication is constantly improving (albeit slowly).

How did you go about getting him a speech evaluation? Did you contact his pediatrician?

Thank you so much for your response - I definitely think we need to investigate this with my son.

Michelle

 

Check with your insurance. If you don't need a referral, you can do it on your own. I called a local hospital that has a speech department and got an appointment for an evaluation. They were also the ones that suggested I follow up with the school district in terms of preschool. It isn't too bad, just be aware that you will need to find someone to watch your daughter when you go. They wanted me in the room for the eval, and asked that I didn't bring any other children with me.

Jon was very similar, in that he could speak, but when he needed to express himself, he couldn't find the words. It still happens now, but not as often, and he has learned how to remove himself from a situation when necessary.

Good luck, you can always send me a PM if you want/need more specific info.

 

I am sure ours is also a case of frusteration that he cannot verbalize his wants, concerns, etc.

 

Through our toddler group, I recently went to a speaker who talked about "Positive discipline, using firmness and kindness." She emphasized the idea of "connection then correction." She also talked about thinking of discipline not as managing whatever the current challenge is, but instead helping your child develop into the person you want them to be. The talk was perfectly timed for me, because we had been going through WEEKS of hitting, and time outs were not helping at all (and they would sit there for the two minutes and everything). I was going crazy.

Anyway, for hitting or other sort of "mean" behavior, the suggestion was to focus on developing their empathy for other people. Now, when I see hitting, kicking etc. I pick up the kid, sit them on my lap and hug them while saying "You hit me, and it made me really sad." I just keep repeating it in a calm, quiet voice right in their ear, until they stop wiggling around. And then I say "what can you say to make me feel better?" Then they say "sorry for hitting you mama." And then I remind them that hugs and kisses make me really happy, and I usually get a hug.

We also like Winnie the Pooh here, so I have talked to them about how when Tigger bounces into Rabbit or Eeyore, it makes them really sad, and they don't like Tigger very much.

We also got a couple board books: "Hands are Not for Hitting" "Teeth are Not for Biting" and "Feet are Not for Kicking" which we also read often.

In the last few weeks, there has been a HUGE drop in these behaviors, and the kids will randomly say "Hugs make people happy" or "Hitting makes people sad" so I really think it's finally working.