feeling disconnected from the hubs

Since DH and I had our third child in November I have been noticing a continuing feeling of disconnection between us physically and emotionally. He is definitely dealing with some of his own issues right now (depression, work related stress, and the realization that his life now is father of three and husband).

We have been getting into lil stupid confronatations.....not fights, but we seem to be getting on each others nerves. Well he is getting on my nerves and I seem to be pissing him off or hurting his feelings. He is also losing his patience very very quickly with all three of the kids, and one of them is only 4 months olds.

I guess I am wondering if this is really common with fathers of multiples, and especially when you add a third child fairly quickly.

 

I think this is very common with fathers and mothers! Fathers can also have post partum depression, especially if he is prone to depression. On his end, I am sure it is adjustment to be a father of three and then having to deal with feeling depressed and stressed at work on top of it. Plus having a new baby, erratic sleep for both of you is a recipe for you both get on each other's nerves and feel disconnected?
Do you have anyone who can watch the kids for you for an hour so that you and DH can go somewhere...even if it's for a walk around the block (or the mall) and just chat and catch up a little?
I would attempt to try to have a conversation with him (not a confrontation) and explain to him how you are feeling (use I statements and not you...I've been feeling like that I might be getting on your nerves...is this so? I've been feeling stressed out lately and a bit crabby, have you been feeling the same way? Is there anything I can do help? Can you help me with this feeling, etc?) and see if you both can work on this together.
Parenthood can be very stressful on a couple :hug: I don't have three children but I think the few months right after the twins were born were probably the most stressful times DH and I had and we've been through a lot together.

 

I often feel disconnected from my DH, I have 16 m/o twins. I feel like when he is home with us, I just spend my time asking him to do things or help me with this or that, or take one of the kids. I find myself not really listening when I ask "how is work" and end up asking him again later and that makes him mad.

It helps for us to have alone nights once in a while-we try to get a sitter once a month so we can go out to dinner, shopping, or just drive around. Alone. We also try not to talk about the kids much when we are on these alone nights. It seems to help.

There is no easy fix for this. I think marriage is a lot of hard work, and when you are pouring all your energies into your children, it is very, very hard to maintain a healthy and happy marriage.

 

I knew I could not be alone in this. Thanks ladies. We get a break from the twins one night a week when they go to my dad's, but noone wants to keep Audrey for us yet (apparently).

We are getting a break this Thursday away from all three kiddos to go eat dinner and see the touring production on "Rain" (beattles music). Really looking forward to that. And then in March we are going to New Orleans for three nights with no kids.

Thanks

 

I can't believe that no one will take 1 3mo old for you! I would take her in a heartbeat over twin toddlers (no offense to yours- I love babies). You can take your little one to dinner then go to a movie together- she will probably fall asleep right as it starts.

Oh, & I agree you've to remember why you 2 are together. Time without kids is essential for that.

 

My DH and I are going through this too... we just have 22 mo. old twins... but that is enough. I am trying to do what I can to help. I feel so worn out by them, that it's hard to have anything left for my DH. {sigh}

 

I could have written this post, word for word. I am basically in the same situation, except my twins and baby are 21 months apart. I know my DH feels disconnected from me and he struggles with anxiety and depression. We've talked about it some. He refuses to see a counselor or doctor about his mental issues. He also refuses to go to counseling, although I did go by myself for a few months. It's been difficult. I pray to God for guidance and try to connect with DH as much as I can. Sometimes I even have to make a point to greet him when he comes home from work. I'm usually dealing with the kids and I'm distracted. We do have quite a bit of family close, so we try to go out once a month. Please know that you are not alone! I am hoping things will improve, or at least be different, as the kids become more independent.

 

Very recognizable...

 

DH and I are just getting it back together. He had serious depression of our old life and missed everything about us. I went on medication for my depression. I was just so angry at him for being selfish. Get help, have him get help, talk to your doctor.

We have had several changes other than the boys. My job changed, his job changed, we moved, DH was in a major car accident.... Needless the say, the medication has helped us come back to normal!

Jenn

 

Since my husband and I have been married we have been through a ton too.

we got married in May of 08, my mom died in July of 08, he switched jobs right before we got married, i found out I was pregnant and with twins in August of 08, my father flipped out quit his job and got a new girlfriend, he has been trying to sell the house he and my mom lived in since Aug. 08, DHs grnadmother died and his grandfather has had two strokes, we had the twins, three weeks before they turned we found out we were pregnant again, we tried to sell our house, DH switched jobs, after 6 months he was miserable with the new job so he went back to the old company different job, the house is no longer for sale, we added baby number three, and she is having pretty bad medical issues due to her reflux (we go tomorrow to have her upper and lower gi scope done).

Wow, when i put it all down like thatit is amazing either one of us are still functioning at the level that we are.

We sat down and talked the other night and I told he ABSOLUTELY has to start doing something to help myself. Cause it is hard for me to be invested emotionally when he is not doing anything to help himself which in turn would start to correct some of the issues in our marriage. We will see what happens.

Thanks for all the support

 

Wow thats rough!! But you aren't alone. I think that it is probably pretty normal. DH and I are going through the same disconnected thing, except that my DH has a 3 week on and 3 week off rotation. Just as things are getting to normal he leaves for work, I become a single mom of twins, and we only get to talk for a few minutes every day.

One piece of advice that I got for us was .... SEX. It helped us a bit. Every day for two weeks I initiated sex with him and as long as the kids were safe never turned him down when he wanted it. It helped us to break through some of the depression and reconnect with each other a bit. Some nights we skipped it and just talked instead.

 

I feel for you :grouphug: I find just having our twins has changed our relationship (not all bad, but a different dynamic for sure now) I couldn't imagine throwing a new baby into the mix.

I am guilty of being a better mom than I am a wife at time. My DH always has a meal on the table and clean clothes to wear but to be honest I think he'd rather just have sex than have me doing the dishes. Sex/romance does go a long way for making men feel better and helping your marriage. Sometimes men need that to reconnect. It's not going to solve all the other issues that are going on for sure, but it can help to emotionally connect again. And its about the last thing I want to do these days, I never thought being a stay at home mom would be so tiring and all-consuming. Its 24/7 and while its the best job I've ever had, it is taking some time to get the romance back to normal in our house. He now leaves it up to me to initiate because he's been burned a few times. That is something I need to work on for sure.

 

I feel awful about the state of our sex life. It is almost non existent. I am so tired and it is hard to get in the mood to be with somone physically when you feel disconnected from them in other areas. I know I need to work on this. I tell myself all the time that I am going to initiate it, but then when the time comes I would rahter get some sleep. I need to step it up in the sex department.

 

About sex- I've been trying to keep in mind recently that while I don't always have to feel like it, my DH signed up for monogomy, not celibacy. So I'm trying to work harder at getting interested in sex. For me I have to feel good about myself to want sex- this includes being clean, grooming, doing something for myself so I do feel like myself and not somebody's mom. Sometimes this means he does the dishes while I get myself ready - he is more than happy to help out, usually.

 

Well the hubs and I had our first night away from all three kids last night since our bithday night in December. It was great. We had dinner, great conversaiton, a good bottle of wine, went to the Beattles tribute show and sang and danced, and just got to be US for a night. It was much needed.

Cheezewhiz24---For me I have to feel good about myself to want sex- this includes being clean, grooming, doing something for myself so I do feel like myself and not somebody's mom.
I agree completely with that statement. It is just so hard to get out of mom mode sometimes.

Thanks ladies!!!

 

I'm happy you two had a wonderful night out.

 

That's great! Hopefully you can arrange a few more date nights