Giving up Potty Training...

We've been potty "training" for almost 4 months now, I say training loosly, b/c after the initial excitement and progress at using the potty, they have steadily declined and for the past 2 weeks have peed and pooped in their pull-ups every day, so I AM DONE.... I waste so much time having them go potty before we go some where or right when they get up or right before nap, only to have them pee/poop in pants anyway.

Yesterday I kind of freaked out and made them throw out their rewards (M&M's and lip gloss) and packed away their underware and pull-ups and told them they were not ready to be big girls and they would be wearing diapers from now on. honestly, they didnt' seem to care that much.

well DH was mad when he found out. One, that I had made the decision unilaterally, and two, because he thinks they are smart enough to be potty trained. I tried to explain that it's not a matter of intelligence. He does help with using the potty at nights and weekends, but I am the one that does it all day.

his solution is to put them in underware and if they have an accident, make them stay in wet underware for a while and hopefully that would discourage them. If you ask them they say they want to wear big girl underware, but other times they will say that they are going to poop in their pants, and they do... they do not go to the potty any more without me walking them in there, and only occassionally will tell me that they feel they have to go before they do.

they are so busy playing with eachother and all their christmas toys, and I am so busy with the baby and the house that none of us really want to use the potty every hour...

what should I do, how can I help DH see my struggles? Am I wrong here?

 

:hug: :hug: Would it help your dh if you tell him that you'll try again in a month? It's amazing what a month of time can do for potty training!
We've been potty training for 4 weeks today, and I can honestly say that we're basically done. But mine are older and our first time did not go well and we stopped. If they aren't caring then you are right they just aren't ready. I bet if you wait a month and give it another go with new rewards then they might just go for it and really like it.
Good luck, it never helps when you and dh aren't on the same page but compromising helps.

 

I've had similar issues with my daughter. I even had a similar meltdown and made her empty her underwear drawer to give away to big girls who go on the potty! And she did it so nicely that it made me even more mad! I realized after I calmed down that she was just doing as I asked, wanting to please me, and not trying to be smart with me about it.

I decided to go back to pull ups full time and just leave her alone completely. I used to harp on her all the time about wanting her to try and then getting so mad when she'd have an accident 5 minutes after telling me she didn't have to go. Now, all I say to her is that I'm leaving it up to her, she should go on the potty when she feels like she has to go. She's a big girl and I know she can do it, and I'm not going to ask her if she has to go or make her try. I also told her if she's wet, I want her to tell me so I can put a new pull up on but I won't be mad.

I have to say she's gone from me ready to give up on her, to staying dry most of the time. The pullups have really helped me with my frustration levels too. Cleaning up mess after mess was really starting to wear on me. Now I don't stress about where she is or if she has to go because I know I won't have to clean it up. I'm not ready to go back to underwear, I'm just going to leave it like this for awhile and leave her alone.

But, if she had made no attempt this way, I probably would have just gone back to diapers after awhile, and given her more time.

 

This is a tough one because it sounds like you've got a few things going on 1) You and your DH disagree on strategy 2) You and your DH and not around a the same time together and working together 3) The kids and you are probably engaged in a bit of a power struggle.

Personally, I think Pull Ups are glorified diapers, so I tend to agree with your DH on the underwear issue, but he's not there all day and you are. That's kind of why I think your strategy is probably the one you should go with. Unless he's willing to take a weekend (and maybe a few extra days), and stay close to home and ditch the Pull Ups, then I say your way goes.

I think it may also be a good idea to totally give up for a few weeks or a month, so that the power struggle is (hopefully) forgotten.

The last point I think is that it's not just that they are not ready, it sounds like your not really ready to train right now either. I understand that, my son Eli was ready to be potty trained when I was like 8 months pregnant (my DH was not on board with PT at the time either), and the last thing I was ready or willing to do was get up and down off of the floor, so he was actually potty trained the week I gave birth (my Mom and my friend got the ball rolling for me). Then Mark was ready about 1.5 months after I gave birth, and since I had a c-section and was home alone with him, I was not ready. So if they are not doing well with it, and your stressed with the new baby, and not really feeling up to the extra work, I say wait, and don't feel the least bit guilty. I would also explain that to your DH, so he gets where you are coming from.

 

I've kind of tried this over this past few weeks. (although i didn't specify that I wouldn't be mad . As a result they just tell me that they've gone in their pull up time and time again. At the end of the day we end up with a pile of wet pull ups in the bathroom and I'm furious. They do better keeping dry when i "force" them to use the potty but left to their own devices I think they just ignore the feeling that they have to pee so that they can just keep playing.

 

Do they seem to care if they are wet or poopy? One of my girls hated to be wet or poopy. It is kind of gross, but I told her that she couldn't have pull ups anymore during the day. She wore panties with pants. When she peed she would tell me and we would go clean up the mess. She hated being wet. It motivated her to go to the potty. It took her a few days to train. She even night trained herself. The other twin could have cared less. She didn't finish training until last month, except for night training.
If you feel they are not ready don't push too hard. Wait a couple weeks.

 

Pull ups are diapers. If you're going to go on w/ it, then I wouldn't use them. GL!

 

I agree with PP's, I would explain to DH the difficulty you are having and suggest waiting a month to see what happens. I had to shelve it with my son and then a month later did the 3 day PT program with him and that worked wonders. 4 months later, he is pretty much PT-ed. Good luck with your decision!

 

What she said. My oldest ds, I tried 3 times (all 3 times I went straight to underwear), and finally, just a couple months before he turned 3, he made the decision that he wanted to pee on the potty...and it went far far better when it was left up to him.

My oldest dd was 2.5 when the twins were born, prime pt'ing time, and there was no way I was going to be able to pt her any time soon. So when the twins were 6 months old, and she was 3, I tried, and it was a horrible power struggle. I quickly gave up, but kept reminding her that big girls go on the potty, she needed to be potty trained before she could play baseball in the spring...etc. Finally, at 3.5 yrs we tried it again and it was so much easier when it was more her decision.

I'm so ready to be done with diapers (I had 3 in diapers at once before dd pt'd), but I'm letting the babies take the lead. I'll have the potty's and undies ready for them when they start letting me know they are ready. My dd already hates being dirty and will tell us when she needs a diaper change, I just need to dig the potty out for her and start trying her on it

 

the trouble is they don't care about being wet or dirty, they would stay in it for hours. They are just more interested in playing than using the potty. I briefly tried the long term goal idea. They want polish on their toe nails again and like to help give the baby a bath, I told them repeatedly that only big girls get polish on their toes and big girls help give the baby a bath so they just kind of said, okay.. and stopped caring about those things.

I know this is one of those issues, like sleeping through the night, that when you're in the middle of it you think it will never end and it feels so hopeless to ever be resolved. but all kids eventually wear underware, i just wish it was my kids, right now.... sigh....

 

so sorry for the pottying issues... as some of the others said, I would go to underwear full time... I'd also buy that 3 day potty training ebook. I did this in August, in fact, I remember the day, Aug. 20th... we started the next morning by packing up the diapers and never going back. the book reallly explains a lot of her theory and thoughts, which really helped me. It also explains, like other posts here the words and phrases... basically you don't remind them to go, you don't even ask them if they need to go. you just keep asking if they are clean & dry and if they are, you prais them, and tell them to let you know when they do need to go... it really puts the ball in their court. of course with underwear you can catch the accidents quicker and model that they should rush to the potty.

anyway, being diaper free is so nice... I hope you have success soon.

I would try to find a time when your dh can help you full time for at least 2 or 3 days, like a weekend, and just bite the bullet, and don't plan on anything else. keep the play time low key and focus on the potty.

 

We tried right at 3 y/o, and it just didn't work. It stressed them and us. So we went back to diapers. A few months later, they brought up the topic. That time it literally took a few days to train.
Most kids will train themselves in a few days.

 

I think they just aren't quite ready yet. No big deal, put all the toilet stuff away for a few weeks or months and try again down the road when you are both ready. I dont know why people are in a rush to toilet train, I personally would prefer to have mine in diapers - that way everytime we got out I am not constantly in the bathroom with them! I am always looking for bathrooms, using bathrooms or wiping bums. Mine were showing they were ready and that is when I did it - they knew when they were wet/poopy and they would tell me they were peeing, they didn't like to be in wet or poopy diapers, and they watched us a lot, and got excited at a sticker chart. I do think when they are ready and there is ONLY positive reinforcement is when they will pt. Good luck, hang in there, and try to take a break from it, they will get the hang of it down the road.

 

I didn't realize the book said to do this, but so far it's making all the difference! I know everyone agrees that pullups are just like diapers, and I was dead set against them when I started training. My son went first and he only wore them at night for a month, and I still called them "underwear" and told them he needed to keep them dry. But with my daughter, it's the one thing that was able to take the total frustration away on my end at all times and allowed me to leave her alone, which in turn I think has helped her. It was my last resort before going back to diapers. But if she had continued to pee in them without caring all day long, I would have probably been just as frustrated. It sounds like it would be easier to take a break and start from scratch in a month or so, rather than trying to force the issue now and continue the power struggle.

And if it were me and my husband and I was dealing with it all day while my husband was at work, I totally would have decided on a whim too without consulting him, after I was at my wits end. I would just ask him to trust you on this.

 

My pedi said that you can start at 2 and it will take a year to be fully trained, start at 2.5 and it will take six months, or start at 3 and it will take a weekend, in general, of course. I tried the 3-day program at 2 and with the baby it was chaos, so I'm shelving it until they're 3 and will do it when I have DH home and MIL in town to all to the 3-day program. Mine will ask for panties now and I tell them to put them over their diapers and when they feel the need to go, to take the panties off, take their diaper off, and go, which they do occasionally. They'll also go on the potty at bath time and bedtime regularly, but that isn't too hard on me as they're naked anyways. I just can't deal with the accidents and 50,000 trips to the potty with three babies and don't want to introduce any negativity with PTing, so I'm waiting until this summer.

I got the recommendation on here for the Potty Power DVD and it is awesome, the No Cry Potty Training book is insightful, the 3-Day program e-book is great, and we take them with us every time we go, etc. If you're with them all day I also agree that you have the majority vote on PTing strategies.

After I had some negativity with my initial 3-Day attempt at 24 mos, it was recommended to put everything away totally, go back to diapers, and "detox" for 1-2 months. We didn't watch our Potty Power DVD, we didn't read any PT books, we didn't mention it. That worked wonders and when I brought the potties back out, they started going on their own at bath time and bed time. Like the 3-Day book says, I never ask them if they have to go, I just talk about staying dry, how good it feels to stay dry, and I tell them that when they're bigger they'll be able to make it to the potty every time, etc.

 

I think your pedi is definitely wrong. I guess it depends on if you are talking day and night trained, but I know someone who did the three day right after her kids turned two and they are day and night trained. We trained Eli at 23 months, he was day time accident free within a couple months, and even the accidents he had involved things like not being able to get to the potty in time. Mark was day trained by 26 months, and it took about another month to not have accidents. Now I guess the night is a different story because they are not yet night trained, but I plan of taking away the pull ups fairly soon since they are sporadically waking dry and waking during the night to go pee.

This is just my opinion, but to me a couple weeks of intense training followed by about another month of occasional accidents is much better than changing diapers for another year. I guess I'm one of those people who just isn't bothered by cleaning dirty training pants.

Now I do believe that your pedi is probably right abut one thing. Training probably is quicker when they are older, but I personally would not have left my child in diapers for another year just so I could have everything done quickly. I did wait a few months, but I definitely worried that it could have been much harder if I decided to let him pee and poop in his pants even though he didn't want to. There probably is a window of opportunity, and if you start too early or wait too long, the potential for problems goes up . Some kids are ready before they are two, and some kids are not ready at the age of four or even later. When the child is ready and willing, it will work as long as the parent is also ready. It sounds like the OPs kids are not in that window yet.

 

I agree, that maybe most kids will train quicker the older they are... but all I know is that we haven't had to wash any diapers (yep cloth diapered) since the kids were 27.5 months... and for those who use disposables... that would mean extra MONEY in your pocket... I thought disposables cost $50-100/mo... that's a lot of moooooolah in your pocket.

anyway, I'm not trying to create tension with this post, just to say, that for me and my famiy, it has worked out great to put in extra effort for a couple of months and now, we haven't had hardly any daytime accidents in a long time. (my boy is doing great night-time, my girl not so well... but no biggie). And they hold it a lot longer than they did when we first started too. I still take the portable potty with me to park playdates so that I can keep an eye on both kids and get them "peed" quickly and without them touching the bathrooms... but it's so much easier than dealing with diapers.

I have a triplet mom friend who just did the 3 day program with her 3 yr 3 mo. boys and they did awesome! Basically sounds like they really caught on quick... but her boys were in diapers a full year longer than mine, and we'll be fully potty trained for at least 6 to 9 mo. before 3 yrs 3 mo.

anyway, good luck with your decision!

 

DH and I are not on the same page when it comes to potty training either. One of the boys basically trained himself and we had very few accidents. He does however absolutely refuse to wear underwear and DH refuses to let him run naked so he's been in pull ups for 3.5 months and counting!
I want to do 3-day training with the other twin and DH says he's completely on board (Woohoo!) as long as he doesn't have to clean pee and poo accidents (WTH?). DH has the kids by himself for 6 bours a day M-F so I feel I need to either compromise or completely give in to him.

 

I'd say try a good 2 to 3 days and see how it goes... at some point you'll want to PT... and you might as well see how they do... though I hear what you're saying about him being with the kids during the week... yes, seems like he should have some say in it. though have to laugh at his being on board comment! gotta love that!

 

This sounds to me like they are not ready. If you keep trying, it's going to be pointless until they decide to care about it. I've BTDT, and I strongly suggest shelving the idea for a month or two and then trying again with no pullups, just underwear or cloth training pants.

 

I honestly don't think they are ready. We trained my oldest from the time he was 2 until 3 when we quit diapers. We slowly introduced him to the potty. Then we started him going right before bathtime. It wasn't until he could communicate wet/dry/need to go that we decided to yank diapers. We tried underwear at 2.5 but wet didn't phase him so we decided he wasn't ready.

Yes, this is one of those things where your children need encouragement but it is also one of those things where your children need to want to do it. You can train them all they want, until they want to do it, they really aren't going to get any better. I would suggest you take a break and put them back into pull ups until you see signs of them wanting to use the potty.