I don't trust dh with the kids

I feel bad saying this, but yeah, I don't trust dh one bit with the kids.

This morning he took the kids downstairs, and never closed the upstairs bathroom door... I was downstairs the whole time so I had no idea, then I heard them upstairs and went to check, they had got rid of some bleach powder and it was all over the floor, and DS was holding a windex bottle... The bathroom is closed for a reason... I'm glad I make sure that everything is closed (I didn't even know there was bleach powder up there!!!! dh put it there...) and they didn't swallow anything... I might have to take all the cleaning stuff downstairs now, making it a PITA to clean, but it's not the first time he gets the kids up and leaves the bathroom open (not like it's hard to see as there is light in the hallway when it's open).

Yesterday I went to take a nap (2 hours), woke up with dh still lazying on the couch, the kids drawers dumped (it's what woke me up), the living room a mess, train table totally disassembled, and I found 6 yogurt smoothies that the kids helped themselves to on their little table... 6!!!! And they climbed on the hutch and got the extra Christmas tags and tape and made a mess.

Seriously? I can't even ever get a break because I keep worrying the kids are going to get into something they shouldn't and dh won't even notice! We keep the house mostly baby proof with nothing dangerous in range but still... I'm home with them all day and yes they get into stuff too but I check on them when it gets quiet... he doesn't. I don't let him go anywhere alone with them because I just don't trust him... We lost DS in the store a month ago when he was supposed to keep an eye on them... of course he's saying he only looked away one second.

Is anyone else in this situation and any suggestion on how to improve it? He always makes excuses and gets defensive if I make a comment. I know he has attention issues and always forgets where he puts his stuff too but it's really hard. I feel that even when he's home, I never get a break, because I'm still the one who has to check on them most of the time...

 

Yikes! He needs to to wake up! :faint:

I don't deal with this problem, but the only thing I can think of is that maybe if you made the house as toddler-proofed as possible, even when doors are open, you will feel more comfortable. We have all of our cleaning supplies on the top shelf of a pantry, so even if someone forgot to the close the door - they still can't reach them. Knives are on top of the fridge - which totally eliminates anyone forgetting to put a lock on a drawer or not pushing the block far enough away from the edge of the counter.

And, if they made such a mess with the toys and drawers under his watch - it should be his job to clean it all up (with their help). That's crazy! Can you move the yogurt smoothies (and other favorite foods) to a higher shelf in the fridge? We have a rule that no one is allowed to get anything out of the fridge without asking us. They will open the fridge and look around, but then ask us if they can have something. Or get a fridge lock maybe?

I don't blame you for being annoyed and frustrated! You should be able to disappear for a nap or something for a few hours and not come back to your house being destroyed and your kids getting into dangerous things like bleach!

Good luck! :hug:

 

I know, right? I swear I spend my day picking up after them, I just wish I could have some help sometimes! I will probably end up putting the cleaning stuff on the top shelf of the linen closet... knives are out of reach already. For the fridge they can reach every shelf as it's one with the freezer on top I was looking at locks but they all have pretty bad reviews I'm trying to get them to ask first but it's a pain... they figured out how to open the fridge two weeks ago.

 

Maybe if they get into something of HIS that is really important to him and destroy it he will start paying a little more attention to what they are doing? I know it's evil, but I'd be awfully tempted to enable a little michief with something that mattered to him...

 

We have had similar problems in the past. My DH would fall asleep while watching the kids at home and I came hom 3yr e to some pretty interesting things. One time I found my 3yr old standing on the kitchen counter eating his multi vitamins and had his omega 3 gel fish all over the counter. I completely freaked out!! I have had many many conversations with my DH about responsibilities and I will keep ragging on him until its right! One of his other biggest problems was trusting everthing our 3yr old said. He used to be so gullable and so lazy but now he checks on everything and has learned that the boys cannot play in another part of the house without supervision. My oldest once ate half a tube of pollysporin because DH didn't think anything of him playing alone in the bathroom.
Even though things are way better than they were I child proofed like crazy to make sure that nothing happened while I was gone. All the plugs are covered (I came home once to a scortched wall and plug)There are locks on everthing including the fridge, cupboards, pantry door and closets. I also put a door nob lock on our front enterance because I fear that my oldest may one day let himself outside without his dad knowing. Now when I leave the house for anyreason I feel much better because there really is nothing they can harm themselves with and my oldest has to make it over the gate and past two doors with locks before he can get outside. My relatives think I am nuts but at least I have some piece of mind. Best of luck

 

My husband has those kinds of tendencies too, but you have to be careful. I didn't want to become the parent who does everything while he became the parent who did nothing. The more I over-do then the less he does. There have been LOTS of times when he "watches" them by lying on the couch while they make a mess, and I have to just let it go. I will say that whatever they get in to when he is watching, he is responsible for picking that up. And I don't monitor the way he picks it up. I can't be the one who does everything, I need him to co-parent.

You just have to be careful that you don't fall into the pattern of doing more and more, which makes him do less and less. It's an easy pattern to fall in to and the only solution is to let him do things his way. I read that you are saying it is dangerous to leave him alone with your kids though, so it's not exactly the same thing as my situation. I agree with Jori, what if you totally toddler-proofed the house? I wonder if the reason he is so absent minded with the kids is because he knows you are there to be the responsible one?

I've also noticed that the more I thank him and am appreciative, then the more he will do to help. He likes to feel like he's helping and not be criticized. So another idea would be to thank him a lot and show appreciation for little things that he does that actually help with the kids, if there is anything.

My husband dressed our baby today, and put him in an outfit that does not match and is way too big. But at least he got the baby dressed, so I didn't say a word even though I totally noticed. I'm just glad that he let me sleep in and took care of the baby. The ugly outfit isn't a hazard to the baby's health though.

:hug:

 

I think Aimee's post was excellent.

Baby proof your house to make sure that safety is taken care of. Then realize that DH may do things differently and it is OK, but safety would be the number one concern. Put baby locks on the fridge, bathroom etc. I watch my two fairly carefully and well...they still get into stuff! Baby proofing really helped (I felt I could at least go potty w/o a disaster happening when they were toddlers) ease my safety concerns.

I would try to be specific and encourging your DH. Nagging or reminding him will put him on the defensive and you really really need him to co-parent. The more you 'mother' DH AND the kids the more it will be a cycle. Start small, check for safety concerns, make sure DH is clear on expectations (no sleeping while watching awake kids), and then step back. If the concerns on your DH attention are really serious= have him talk to his Dr. The Dr. may be able to help if it is interferring w. his life on more than parenting.

:hug:

 

That's a great post Aimee--you make some great points.

I definitely trust him to take care of the kids on his own. My DH is the worry wart parent in our house; that does not make me trust him more, especially in emergency situations. However, our I'm much more inclined to let the kids explore (though not bleach or window cleaner), and be independent of my watch. We argue a lot about this, and in our case it generally boils down to our parenting styles.

 

I can completely trust SO with the kids' safety.

Just not with a neat house! :lol:
I went to the store today and was gone almost 2 hours. When I came home the living room was completely wrecked. But Aimee made some very good points. I didn't say anything except that it all had to be picked up before nap. Chris helped them while I put away groceries.

We have toddler-proofed almost the entire house. And I'm comfortable for them to play in another room, especially since it's usually their bedroom. We also have a small house, so I'm sure that's much easier.

 

My DH was like this and when we went through a tough patch financially I went back to work on the weekends. He had no choice but to do the parenting and initially he would come to pick me up and the kids would be half dressed, food all over them and the house would be a pit. Now I don't work but have been off on a few girls weekends. I have no problem at all waving goodbye and letting them enjoy their time together. He is an awesome Dad. All he needed was the time and space to create the Dad he wanted to be. I am very proud of him now but could have written your post myself a few years back. As pp said childproof like mad, then let him step up and be a Dad. (Even go out for a long walk...then he can't call for your help!!!) Good luck.

 

I agree with Aimee. I wonder if you haven't unconsciously given your husband permission to be irresponsible by being the responsible parent. At some point, you agreed to this arrangement without meaning to. I'd remove all dangerous items and leave him to it. If they make a mess, he has to clean up but otherwise you have to let him parent in his way.

 

X2!! I just read your post and was going to write something just like this. Without meaning to, you've given your husband the freedom to be the "bad" parent. He doesn't have to take responsibility because you do. To fix this, I'd do like everyone else said... child proof your house so that you can relax when DH is in charge, and then let him take over from time to time. If it's too stressful being in the house when he's in charge, schedule times that you'll leave to do groceries, or have lunch on the weekend with a friend. And tell him in advance that you trust him and expect him to pick up if he lets the kids make a huge mess.

Good luck - it's not easy getting people to change, but hopefully if you create opportunities for your DH to step up, he will.

 

for the most part my dh is a great dad... but I hear you on your complaints! my dh can be sitting 5 feet from the kids and not be paying attention... sigh! I hate that I feel like I'm the only one setting rules in the house... like keep your toys off the furniture... like the plastic shopping cart doesn't belong on the new leather chair we brought out into the room... I'm not so worried about that shopping cart, but what about the heavy pointed new Tonka truck... that would cause some damage...

anyway, just an example from today to show that your dh isn't the only one.

someone mentioned vitamins, yep, I had to move all those to a cabinet at the top of our pantry so that they would be out of reach. I keep trying to teach the children then they can't just reach for everything they can reach for... they need to ask permission. I think that day is a long ways off... but it's wishful thinking for me!

 

Another one who found Aimee's post excellent!
I won't say that my DH is irresponsible with the children, far from it but he does do things differently then I do with them and when he's doing his thing with the kids, I know they are safe and I let him be. I do agree that perhaps it's time to provide your husband with opportunities to be in charge (while putting the unsafe stuff out of the kids reach) and see how it goes from there.

 

Another point for Aimee! I also think you need to talk to your DH when it isn't the heat of the moment. When you are calm you can calmly talk about ways to make the house even safer for toddlers. Present it as a team project to get him involved and really thinking about all the new safe-guards you need to make because your kids are older. If you work together on this 1) he can't be the 'absent' parent, and 2) maybe he is thinking about things that you aren't. Good luck!!! It must be so stressful to feel like all the responsibility is on you. :hug:

 

You've gotten some great advice and Aimee said it so much better then I could!
Good luck!

 

The thing is, it's not like that... he does help. He changes diapers, helps with cleaning (just usually not toy pick up), dresses them etc... so it's really not the issue... it's the issue of not actually looking after them, being careless etc. I know it's not his fault because he has some form of ADD, but it doesn't make it easier.

 

Oh my goodness! Sounds like you definitely have your hands full! For the most part my DH is very good with the kids. He did fall asleep once and they got into my Wilton color gels and painted the fridge, floors, walls, and carpet with the stuff. By the way, those are dyes, so we still have a permanently dyed carpet in our living room that a recliner now sits over. But to his defense, he had it all cleaned up when I got home. There's only been a handful of times where he's not, but no more than me. I would really hate to be in your shoes and have to be on constant look out.

 

I debated about whether to say anything...but, my dh is exactly the same way. He does ALOT to keep our household running, laundry, cooking, etc. BUT when he watches the kids it seems so "absent" to me. He falls asleep and doesn't seem engaged with them the way that I am. It seems like not much of a problem to have when it could be so much worse. But, honestly, it is very taxing for me. I may be paranoid and a worry wart and all the things I've been called, but it it very stressful to be the responsible one and the only one who is paying absolute attention all the time. I feel like I can't mentally take a break and it is wearing me out.

I am working on letting go, but I is certainly not easy not to worry about what goes on in my absence. I think it would be irresponsible of me not to keep his way of "watching" them in the back of my mind and taking appropriate measures to limit my time away as much as possible while they are this young.

 

I hesitate to say anything because it's so easy to misinterpret over the Internet... but I don't think that ADD should be an excuse for not watching your children. I do understand that ADD makes it harder to concentrate, but if it's so bad that it's affecting the safety of your kids, your husband should get himself a prescription for an adult ADD medicine. But I don't think that's it. Tons of people with ADD can competently care for their children... don't let your husband (or even in your own mind) let it be an excuse - you need to help him hold himself accountable for being responsible.

For what it's worth, my younger brother has fairly severe ADD. He took medicine until his late 20s. And he's a great caretaker for my kids. He's just as overly obsessive as I am about everything!

 

Right now I'm in awe of my DH. I co-hosted an out-of-tow babyshower last weekend. My DH had the kids all morning and afternoon, by himself in a town he barely knows. DS started complaining that his ear hurt. DH hunted down an urgent care, waited 1 1/2 hours with two rambunctious 2 1/2 year olds (one in pain) got seen by the doctor, went to the pharmacy to fulfill a prescription, chased them around the drugstore, fed them lunch and brought them home. Does he leave the bath water in the tub and kids clothes strewn all over the place when he gives them baths? Yes. Does the house get messy because he doesn't clean up after them the way I do? YUP!

I can absolutely see why you're frustrated and I do think as your kid's primary caregiver, you do an amazing job and have your own routine that works for you. The episode with the bleach and bathroom appliances is frightening and I can totally understand why you are upset with him. I like the PP advice about toddler-proofing. And AimeeT's advice about praising your hubby for what he is doing RIGHT. It's AMAZING how happier our home is when I do this too. I get irked ALL the time by things he doesn't do...but then I think of what he does do (the start of my post) and how much he loves our children, and I realize how blessed we all are.

 

It sounds like you got to sleep in or take care of other things while he was watching them AND take a nap so, if it was me, I would baby proof and be happy that you get that much of a "break!"