I'm going to lose it

The boys are 14 months old. And they aren't sleeping. Like... at all. They're miserable wretches all day long, barely nap, and barely sleep at night, when they finally do go down. We didn't want to cry it out. We tried no cry sleep solution. That just meant less sleep and more crying. We tried night weaning and lots of cuddles... more crying and less sleep. We tried ferber style cry it out. That went for 3 weeks, and didn't help. Right now, we're down to exhaustive cry it out. They will go for hours. HOURS. If morning nap "starts" at 9, I finally end up getting them out of their cribs at 11... snotty and snorting while I try to feed them lunch and get on with the day... only to repeat in the afternoon. At night, it's been upward of 3 or 4 hours.

This can't be good for any of us. And it's not just one culprit. Sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other. Sometimes both.

They won't cuddle or relax with us. Nursing is the only way they'll get back to sleep. Trying to rock them with milk or a sippy just makes them thrash angrilly. There is no relaxing at night while reading a book... just frantically trying to get PJ's on before they clamber to nurse.

And sometimes that doesn't even work. Nurse... lay down snap awake... nurse lay down snap awake. I didn't want to wean this early, but if it'd help I'd do it in a heartbeat. But as it is... it's the only thing I can do - I have no other tools. Nothing.

They don't drink much from sippies... if milk gets in their mouth, they just let it dribble back out down their shirts.

I get so mad I just want to run away. I haven't slept more than 2 hours in a row for more than a year. I'm depressed. My headaches are getting bad. I'm at my wit's end. And I don't want to go to the pediatrician to just be told... "It's ok to let them fuss," and get the equivalent of a pat on the head. I need help.

 

I have no advice but just wanted to say-I am so sorry you are having to go through this, no sleep for a year? Yikes.

 

I have no advice but really hope things turn around for you- quickly!

 

Obvious questions to ask but:

1. Have you tried black out curtains
2. White noise generators
3. Do they co-sleep with you
4. Do they share a room or crib

 

We have bad sleepers. We finally caved and they sleep in bed with us now. I know that is weak but it is the only way we get any sleep.
Hugs.

 

I'm so sorry!! I would try cry it out again, but only starting with bed time (once you get success there, it might make the other times easier). Naps are little harder because they aren't as tired. I personally would not do ferber style - I would just shut the door and leave and not come back. It's harder on you, but easier on the babies - they know you won't be coming back so they give up sooner. I would also consider dropping the am nap entirely. They might not quite be ready, but then at least you are only fighting the nap battle once a day instead of twice. I hope the sleep thing turns around for you soon! Laura

 

1.) Yep, blackout curtains, white noise, warm room, etc. We've tried a nice long "nighttime routine" with bath, book, brush, massage, etc etc but it seems to just ramp them up.
2.) We've tried co sleeping. Generally, they're in they're own room. Cosleeping only works if I'm nursing them the whole time. Otherwise, they twist, crawl, kick, arch and thrash - intentionally bang their heads on the wall or on us or each other. There is no such thing as gently cuddling them or patting their backs to get or keep them asleep.
3.) They share a room, in separate cribs. We could separate them, but it'd be a pretty big hardship

 

Can you tell us what your general routine is?
Are they teething? (I know that's the catch all for everything, but at 14 months I had absolute monsters getting their eye teeth)
Are they fussy during the day at all?
Have they been checked by the ped for ear infections? sometimes kids only seem to get fussy when they lay down because of all the pressure on their ears.

If you know your guys have no health issues that might be causing all the fuss, then I would probably do the following.

1) Cut out one nap battle a day and move their nap more toward the middle of the day
2) Put them to bed 30 minutes earlier than you already are to see if that has any effect. It seems counter intuitive, but it often works
3) Set up a solid bedtime routine. Bath, story, brush teeth, tucked in, whatever.. just make sure it's consistent every night.
4) Shut off the lights and don't go back until morning. It feels like it's really cruel, but like a PP said, at least they'll get over the expectation that you're coming back for them.
5) Have your husband go in to check on them if the night waking is unbearable. While I was nursing I could never get my boys to settle down, so my husband would go in and they'd be calm. At 14 months they're nursing at night purely out of habit, and that's causing a lot of grief for you, so just don't let it happen.

I am sorry.. sleep issues are so hard. I would also talk to your own dr. about what you can do to deal with the depression, headaches and sleeplessness because that is a horrible spiral to get into. :hug:

 

I can only echo what Jen said. I think she hit the nail on the head. Sleep issues are so hard! It wears you out, and for me it made me a better mom once my kids started sleeping better.

The biggest thing that stands out to me, is that you've listed all of these things you've tried, but have you given any of the options (other than nursing back to sleep) a good solid try? Like a week or more of real consistency? I would discuss a plan with DH, including what time is bedtime, what is the routine going to be - bath, books, nursing, into crib, and then what are you going to do when they cry? And do that exact same routine down to the last minute of consistency, so they start understanding what to expect and what is expected of them.

And again, agreeing with Jen, I'd work really hard on night time and once that gets straightened out work on nap consistency too. :grouphug:

 

Great post. I agree with all of this. Mine moved to one nap around 14/15 months. Once they get into a sleep deprived state, it make the sleep cycle so much worse and make it harder for them to fall asleep. I feel for you... I can't imagine doing that for over a year.

 

All very good suggestions! I completely agree about the DH thing - all of my kids know that mommy is more of a sucker than daddy, and will really take it up a notch if I'm the one who goes in when they are crying. Also, teething was the first thing that popped into my mind, if their bad sleep habits have gone from just bad to plain horrible lately. You might want to try (and please don't flame me! ) a little tylenol about 20 minutes before you plan to try to put them down. I know my girls, who are usually pretty good troopers about teething, really seem to be most bothered by it when I put them down to sleep, probably because they having nothing else to think about except how much their teeth hurt. A little tylenol has helped quite a bit.

Lots and lots and lots of (((hugs)))

 

I would give you the exact advice as mommylaura. Extinction CIO--just don't go in. Put them down at the normal time, talk to them about what is expected, and then dont go in. Put them down for nap around 10:30 or 11--only let them cry an hour at naptime. Give that at least a week. Through all the things you've tried, I think you are inadvertently teaching them that crying makes things happen.

 

i just wanted to say i don't think this is weak at all - if it works for you, than it's great! :good:

to the OP - i think you've gotten lots of good advice already. i agree that as much as you don't want to do CIO, right now it's looking like the best option, as little else working & it sounds like most other things are making it worse. it sounds like you are exhausted & at your wits end. extinction CIO will be quick & effective if you are consistent with it.

also, i don't think you'll need to wean (or, weaning may help a smidge, but you would still need to sleep train) but what you may want to think about is disassociating nursing from sleeping. you haven't said what your current bedtime routine is, but i would try for something short & sweet - and i would try nursing in the living room, with bright lights on. then moving to the bedroom for either a short story, a cuddle, or a song & then into bed.

last, but not least, you'll need to expect that things are going to get worse before they get better, especially as you've attempted sleep training before. as others have mentioned, you need to have a very clear plan A, that both you & DH can maintain consistently, and then stick with it, exactly, for at least a week or two before evaluating if you are seeing any progress or not. it may even be helpful to actually write down or chart what is happening so that you can see quite clearly if there is improvement or not. sometimes our perception of what is happening is not very accurate when we are sleep deprived & listening to our babies cry. keep track of what your routine is, what time they are laid down in their cribs, how long they cry for, how many times they wake at night, and what time they wake in the morning. if you can get night time sleep sorted, then i would worry about nap(s). they aren't going to nap well until they've made up some of their current sleep deficit. if there's any possibility of separating them temporarily while you're sleep training it will make tracking who's doing what & when a bit easier.

if all else fails, we had wonderful success with a sleep consultant - the gal we used works out of BC & was great. her website is www.cheekychops.ca if you want to check her out.

 

I just wanted to offer support and say that our boys were the same and we did put them in the bed with us somewhat. We took the side off of their crib and pushed flush to our bed and made a co-sleeper. I couldn't do CIO. Our motto, after months of no sleep was, whatever it takes and having them close, where they could wakw up and see me or reach over and touch me worked just fine. Now they sleep alone in their own room just finr. I'm praying that the next thing you try, work!

 

Wow, I feel your pain, and I only lasted until 6 months before we went to a pediatric sleep center to get help. If you have something like this in your area, get yourself there as soon as possible!! It was a lifesaver. The sleep specialist there sat with us for three hours and listened to everything we had tried (our babes were sleeping in 1-1.5 hour stretches and would not nap. It was painful and we were about to lose it. I'm impressed you've made it this far.) The sleep specialist gave us an incredibly detailed plan. Every plan is individualized, so I don't know if telling you the basics of what we did will help. You likely have concerns or things that are specific to your situation.

Anyway, it was a three step plan.

The first step was teaching them to fall asleep on their own. I had to leave the house 2 hours before bedtime because they can apparently sense mama near them and that can keep them up and make them want to continually nurse. So this step took place over the course of three nights or so. They exceeded our expectations. All we had to do was get them to fall asleep on their own, and then the rest of the night was the usual stuff--up every hour to nurse or rock or whatever. So my husband would put them down, and they would predictably cry, and then he would go in at timed intervals to reassure, never actually picking them up. We were really surprised that it didn't take them long to get this step. They were falling asleep on their own, without nursing or anything! Once they were asleep for a reasonable amount of time, we continued with the rest of the night as though it were a "normal" night--lots of nursing and crying.

The second step was mama taking over. This, apparently, is to get them used to a different parent putting them down so that they don't know what to expect when the third step happens. By this time, they were getting used to falling asleep on their own. But they would still wake up throughout the night and only I was supposed to tend to them.

The third step was getting them to put themselves back to sleep throughout the night. This, again, was my husband's job. I had to leave the house for bedtime (I ended up staying the night at my parents. and it was heavenly). Then, when they cried during the night he would do graduated extinction, so he would go in based on the type of cry and pat them and reassure them and NOT pick them up for anything. The first night of this my son woke 23 times, and my daughter woke 11 times. Yikes. But every night the waking times decreased, and it only took them 5 days or so to sleep through. I felt like I had gotten my life back. It was heaven on earth.

A couple of things. First, our sleep specialist says that there definitely should be a limit on crying. She has studied sleep and kids for 20 years or so, and her studies showed that kids need to know that parents are there, even if they are not coming to pick them up. This actually helps the process along. Before we went to the sleep center, I tried extinction with no reassuring, and I let my son cry off and on for three hours for several nights. I was SO desperate for sleep, but it just didn't work. It made me feel terrible, and he was no closer to sleeping through. I know, though, that others have tried this with success.

Also, like I said, this sleep plan was very tailored to our needs and circumstances. I'd try to find a sleep center in your area to get a more individualized plan. Our visit was covered by insurance, so all we had to pay was a $20 co-pay. Well worth it.

If you have questions, please let me know. I just gave you the bare bones of our plan so that you could get a sense of what a sleep center might suggest.

I really hope things get better for you soon. Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst, and it can be dangerous. Those babies need sleep, and so do you!

Good luck--
Katie

 

Hugs to you!

Mine went to 1 nap at 14/15 months and would wake up at 7:30 am and go to nap at 12pm to 1:30pm and bed 8pm. It was hard switching but it seems like your babies are protesting their morning nap and maybe ready to switch.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through such terrible sleep-deprivation! :hug: You are obviously made of sterner stuff than I am; when my boys night-wake more than about 3 days in a row, I become a total whiny mess. I think you've gotten some really great advice from the PPs. I just wanted to add that what really worked for me with my night-waker (Jack) was to talk to him and tell him about what to expect at night. I give them a "pep talk" before bed, telling that it's night-time, time for sleeping, close your eyes, dream good dreams, and if they should wake we're right here but they need to try to go back to sleep. If they do wake in the night, I rock them for a few, and tell them that Mama and Dada need to go back to sleep, and so do they. This really works for me, and might work for you too! Your guys are old enough to understand what you're saying, so you might give this a try along with whatever other sleep methods you use.

I really hope you find a strategy that works for you; you need a break!!! :hug:

 

I think I could have written the same post when we hit the year mark for our twins. I finally scheduled a sleep consult. We were all sleep deprived and I couldn't even think straight. She gave us a concrete plan, and we both stuck to it. It helped tremendously. We never wanted to do CIO, but ended up doing a "check in" version. We also needed to wean them off of night bottles in the process. If you want me to post our plan, just let me know. Our second year was so much better since we weren't miserable sleep deprived parents. I'm sorry you are having the same experience.

ps-I agree with moving to one nap, too.