It happened again with MIL...stranger anxiety

Christmas morning went great and the twins were having a great day. They went down for their naps, we kept quizzing them all day as to who was coming over today, and then MIL, SIL, and her boyfriend showed up for Christmas dinner. We were opening the adult gifts as they slept and they woke up early, so DH goes down to get them up. Lily comes running out of their bedroom and sees SIL's boyfriend, stops dead in her tracks, spins around running back to their bedroom, and starts crying hysterically.

I go in to comfort her because she only wants me, I get her to calm down enough that she comes out with me holding her, she sits on my lap with her head buried in my chest, and sobs while they keep opening gifts. She starts to get worse as she hears SIL's boyfriend talking, so I take her to their bedroom to calm her down. As dinner starts she calms down enough to come back to the living room, but will not go into eat dinner. I am not leaving her alone, so we sit and play while everyone eats.

MIL comes out and starts to give her the gifts she brought her. Lily is opening them, smiling and laughing when the boyfriend gets up and comes into the room to sit on the couch leaving SIL in the dining room with DH and Max. Needless to say Lily loses it again. Then MIL says "Lily grandma wanted to get some nice pictures of you opening your gifts, but you keep crying". I scoop her up with the last two gifts and say "Well then you better come to their bedroom if you want your pictures". She is mad that Lily is crying from her stranger anxiety and ruining the holiday in her opinion. Then she starts pressuring me that we need to come to a dinner Wednesday with extended family that Lily has never met. I told her we would see, but probably not.

I am not going to keep putting my daughter through this. My heart just breaks, especially when Lily said to me "Mommy I'm scared. I don't want to cry anymore." I would love to just shake MIL who is a pediatric nurse and tell her to wake up this is normal behavior for her age and she should know better. At least this time SIL was understanding and made a huge effort to make Lily feel comfortable, but MIL is still clueless as well as SIL's boyfriend who works with special ed kids. So these are definitely two people who should know how to deal with this better.

Thanks for letting me vent here and I am sorry it has been repeatedly these last few weeks. If I vent to DH he gets more upset. He is just fuming with his mom right now.

 

Do either you or dh dislike the guy? She maybe picking up on that. :hug: I feel so sorry for her.

 

A year ago when SIL started dating him we were skeptical because she was moving very fast. She was tragically widowed at 32 years old and as 40 approached she started acting like a school girl in thinking that any man that spoke or looked at her must be in love with her which included the minister at her church. On her 2nd date with him he took her to meet his mom and sister and a week later she called to tell us she was bringing him to our house to meet her niece and nephew; she has no kids of her own and sometimes treats DD and DS as her own which I don't mind because I think it takes an entire family to raise children. DH and I said we would like to wait a little while and not in our house for the first meeting. She blew up and got all these family members involved calling me a bad mother and telling DH his late father would be disappointed in him :grr: :catfight:. I am sorry, but these are our kids and we decide what is best for them or comes into our home.

Fast forward to today and they are inseparable, which is good for her since she has had a rough romantic life. He is kind of strange, never really talks to anyone except SIL and MIL (actually kissed MIL awkwardly yesterday in thanks for a gift that even SIL commented on as weird), and stares at the TV ignoring everyone in the room if it is on. He works part time as a teachers assistant with special ed kids and has commented that Lily's crying is just like his special ed kids so we should get her checked. I thought DH was going to smack him and DH is NOT violent or confrontational.

After watching my sister's divorce 4 years ago we have made a point of not speaking negatively about anyone in front of the twins. Kids pick up on more than you think when you assume they aren't listening or won't understand. I am really at my wits end. I have tried everything that the doctor, books, and some web searches have suggested. Lily is a very bright child and I think she is seeing something we don't. She is also just as scared of my Uncle's 2nd wife, but they deal with it better by giving her space and time to warm up at family gatherings. So basically it is two main people who scare her right now, but my IL's don't help the situation at all. I just feel so terrible for her and want to "fix it" so she isn't scared anymore. I guess that is the protective mothering instincts kicking in.

Sorry that was a long response, but I didn't want to leave anything out.

 

My girls are afraid of the father. I would expect more so now that they haven't seen them in a year. Maybe visits of shorter length

 

HI there!
I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this. I was wondering if she has always been like this or does it seem like it could be a phase (even if it's a long one). My twins (they are younger than yours-won't be 2 until the end of Jan.) they went through a time when they would start screaming and crying hysterically whenever anyone came into our house. One time we hosted a playgroup in our house and as each new family came in they started crying even more and wanted to be held the whole time! I was so embarrassed and frustrated. We have a married couple who are very good friends of ours and who helped us take care of the babies from the time they were first born. They would help us by holding them at church, helping us with baths, etc. etc. Then all of a sudden the "stranger anxiety" set in and the kids would start screaming and crying hysterically if they came into the house or talked to them! It was crazy! But we just kept doing our normal thing (getting together about once a week)...they would come over for dinner and they would just "ignore" the twins and eventually they would settle down...but I wouldn't say they warmed up to my friends during that time period...we just tried to give a little bit of space, but not change the plans we had...do you know what I mean? ...it was good though that our friends were understanding about it and didn't take it too personally. This went on for SEVERAL months!

But now things have started to change and they do much better with them and other people too. I'm glad we didn't really change our routine of getting together with them because then they would have really gotten unfamiliar with them and then they really would be "strangers." It's hard when people take it personally or want to "force" the kids to be a certain way. That definitely makes it worse! When the kids were in that stage we would always tell people "Less is more! Just try to leave them alone for a while and they might warm up..they are going through a phase..they are like this with everyone, etc. etc.) By the way, all 4 of my kids went through the same thing, not just the twins. But I do have to say it is just as IMPORTANT not to feed into the kids' anxiety too....we wouldn't make a big deal about it with the kids either...just a quick little hug or kiss and say "You're ok!" and then just try to bring them in the living room and let them sit on my lap for a bit. If you make a bit fuss about it with the kids they are likely to ramp it up a few notches...they might feel like there IS something really to be freaked out about and they get lots more attention and it just keeps reinforcing it (whether or not you intend to) on and on. We just tell them "so and so is coming over today" and then comfort them a bit/if they freak out for a few minutes we just let them and go on with our business and almost laugh it off a bit (not in a mean way) and then everything just settles down. I have no idea if this is all making sense! I think I"m just trying to say if you ALL try to downplay it a bit then it might pass more quickly. You could even let your inlaws in on it...like saying "We know she has going through a big anxiety phase and we are working on it...so when people come over we are just asking them to kind of lay low and not really talk to her until she has a chance to warm up...don't worry, if she freaks out try not to take i personally..we think it's just a phase she's going through that a lot of kids do, so we are just trying to ride it out! Thanks for your help!"

I don't know if that helps???

Shannon